Story of a love
by Annabella Pritchett-Dornan
Summary: A forbidden fruit... after all these years someone captures her heart but he's taken... what would she do? A story of so many broken heart being healed by love... a passion... a future... a love... let's see where their fate would take them...
1. Chapter 1

The farewell

"James! What the hell are you doing here? In my bed!"

He gets up and says

" I'm sorry! I just... Millie and I had a fight! I came out and went walking around and I found myself here."

I sit on the bed next to him and say

" You had a fight? Why? What did you do? You didn't hit her or anything?"

" No... I never hit anyone!... I called her Amelia! I never call her that! Since the first day we met I always called her Millie... and... I was thinking... I couldn't talk to you for several days since I left Arizona and I was preoccupied... then I called her Amelia cuz that's what you call her... and then she flipped out... I've never seen her like that before!... she started screaming and shouting and saying things but I couldn't understand what she was saying... she started throwing fists at me... I was worried she hurt herself so I just came out of the house!"

He puts his head in his hands. Oh my God! This is worse than I thought.

" Please tell me that your kids weren't home."

" No, they're at Millie's mother's."

" Oh thank God."

" So you're back now?"

He looks at me with longing in his eyes.

" No, I just came back to put an end to all of these things. I will put this house in the market and give up my practice here. I will go back to Arizona to my father."

He takes my hand and says

" No, Anna you don't have to!"

I look at him through my tears and say

" No James! I do have to! I'm not gonna break up a family for my own happiness... I'm not my mother... I lived twenty eight years doing exactly the opposite of what she did. I'm not going to do the worst thing she's done like her."

He looks at me with incredulous eyes but he remains silent.

" Go home! Right now... don't talk about anything... just go home and hug her and kiss her and make love to her... let her know how much you love her... how much you love your family... do what you're good at... make her see that she's the one you will spend all your life with..."

I stroke his hand and say

" I'm nothing James... believe me... I'm just a midlife crisis... at the end of the day it is her you go to... it is your family you want... Go!... Go home and let her know how lucky you are to have her..."

He stands up and wipes my tears with the back of his fingers and says

" Will I see you again? While you're here?"

I do my best but I can't not lean to his touch. I close my eyes and say

" Go James... Go and forget about the time you knew a girl named Annabella! Go home to your loving wife and your beautiful kids..."

Tears are running on his face and we both know that this is it... this is the end... he makes me stand up and hugs me hard... I cry like I never ever did in my life... if I don't make him go he won't go... so I have to be the stronger one... I put my hands on his arms and push him away... he's crying too... those beautiful gray eyes are red and puffy... I kiss his eyes and his forehead... he kisses my tears and says

" I won't forget that I knew a girl named Annabella and she has the biggest heart ever... I won't forget the things she taught me... I won't forget that she saved me... I won't forget that I loved her..."

He kisses on my lips... one swift and sweet kiss... and he goes...

I fall into my bed and start crying out loud like I've never ever did before...


	2. Chapter 2

Well... I'm in a beauty salon which is owned by one of my dad's friends... I always wanted to have my hair dyed... but I never had time for that...  
" Think about all of the things you always wanted to do but you didn't have the time or the courage to do them... Give yourself a break... do all those things..."  
My dad's words come back to me...  
So I'm here ... after having a long relaxing massage and a facial... I have been manicured and pedicured... and been waxed all over my body which was very embarrassing... now I'm here sitting next to my over enthusiastic father and he's choosing a hair color for me...  
" Danny, what do you suggest? I think wine red or something in that tonnage will look good on her... what's your idea?"  
I gape at him... he looks like he knows what he's talking about... how did he get this knowledgeable in this area is a subject I don't want to dwell on...  
Talking about wine reminded me of a conversation I had not so much long ago with James...  
" I can't believe you don't have any wine at your home! How can you not have any kind of drink here? Don't you get thirsty?"  
I was running on the treadmill and listening to him nagging for the thousandth time and having me telling him that I don't drink alcohol... he makes me laugh all the time... he came to me because they had a fight and he didn't know what to do...  
" I mean why does she want to change the things? I love our family like this. Just the four of us... she wants another kid and I don't understand why..."  
I come down the treadmill and take the two kilos and start doing sit ups... it's always like this... he comes in the middle of my exercise and starts talking about his problems... I just listen to him without giving a slightest comment... he just talks and talks and talks... then when he's finished he asks me...  
" what should I do?"  
I pick up the bottle of water and drink it right from the bottle... he used to make fun of me for doing this but now he's get used to it...  
" Tell me one thing... do you like your daughters?"  
He looks at me offended...  
" Of course... I adore my kids Anna... you know that!"  
" Do you like your wife?"  
He eyes me suspiciously and gives me a where-are-you-getting-at look and says  
" Well you know that too!"  
" So why don't you want to have another kid? You don't have any financial problems either! So what's your problem? What's bugging you?"  
He looks at me and I know he's lost... I know something's off but I can't put a finger on it... I take a deep breath and stand up and make my way to the bathroom...  
" Go and figure out what's changed? Why don't you want another kid!"  
I come to an abrupt halt in mid way and turn around to face him... he eyes me quizzically...  
" Isn't she pregnant? Maybe she's already pregnant and she just puts all this up to know where you are?!"  
He gapes at me and weighs my assumption for a moment and then says  
" No way! There's no way she could be pregnant!"  
"Are you sure?"  
" Oh believe me I am!"  
" Well, back at you ! Go figure! I'm gonna have a shower. It won't take long! Maybe we can order pizza and watch football game, eh?"  
He smiles at me and says  
" sounds like a plan!"  
" Okay then!"  
My dad's touch brings me back to present time... he runs his fingers through my now nicely dyed and brushed hair and says  
" Honey, you look beautiful! I'm so happy to see you like this. We're so going clubbing tonight."  
I look at my reflection in the mirror and don't recognize the girl who's looking at me... her face is artfully been waxed and her eyebrows been plucked and she is wearing a very light and pretty makeup... she looks radiant... she looks like me…


	3. Chapter 3

It's another lame Monday... I enter my office and have a short greeting with Margaret, my assistant. By the time I get settled in, she comes in with a cup of coffee. I can say she's about to tell me something but she doesn't.  
" Spit it out Margaret! What's eating you?"  
She smiles at me sweetly and my mind goes on an Uh-oh way.  
" one of my friends is a screenplay writer and she said they want a psychiatrist office for doing some of their scenes. She asked me to ask you. I told her you don't want to have anything to do with these things. But she insisted."  
She gives me a please-do-this-favor-to-me look. I know she's crazy about actors and she can't shut up about her favorite ones. I take a deep breath and say  
" What the hell! Tell her they can do their plot here!"  
She screams and comes round my desk to hug and kiss me.  
" Thank you thank you thank youuuuu... I love you."  
I laugh at her enthusiasm. She bolts out of the door to call her friend. I don't have many appointments today. Just turning my chair to face the street below and drinking my coffee brings back some of my equilibrium back to me.

Had I known what I was getting my self into, never in hell I would have agreed to this shit. It's a total chaos around here.  
" Dr. Pritchett can I have a word with you?"  
A tall blonde man in an at least half a million dollar worth suit asks me.  
I try to be not cranky and smile at him.  
" what can I help you with?"  
" It's just that our shrink couldn't make it for today. But we have to take this scene today. So I wanted to ask a very big favor!"  
I know what he wants so I cut to the chase.  
" You want me to fill in for the shrink?!"  
" That would be perfect. Can you do that?"  
If it was any day but today I would have given him a flat no. No discussions! But today... I have to do something new... something that gives me thrills. I look him in the eyes and square my shoulders.  
" Ok fine. What are my line?"

I am sitting on my chair looking at a very attractive man who is the main role in this movie. The man behind the camera gives me a notice and I start talking.  
" Andrew, you have to learn to let go... you can always think about your past and be sad about it and cry your eyes out... but one of the most important factors of growing up is learning to let go... leave your problems be... give them time... they will solve eventually..."  
" Cut! Very good... excellent Dr. Pritchett... that was incredible... thank you so much..."  
They all stand up and start to pack their things. The attractive man comes to me with a beautiful smile on his well sculptured lips and says  
" Hi... I think I know you from some where but I can't remember where exactly... I'm James Dornan... people call me Jamie..."  
There... the penny in my mind rolls round and round and round and falls down with a deafening sound in my head... That's why he's so familiar... he's James...  
" You look familiar... have we met before?"  
" well I think about ten years ago we've met in Arizona. I'm sure you don't remember me though."  
I tell him with the sweetest smile I can manage. He smiles back and says  
" we're going to have a drink with the crew at one of the local bars. Would you like to join us?"  
" Sure."

When I woke up this morning I never even dreamt of hanging out with some of the most popular actors and actresses in the US in the evening... they all are so friendly and kind to me... Margaret, my assistant came too... she is talking animatedly to her friend and this is the quietest I've ever been in my whole life... it seems impossible but I kind of feel shy... well I've seen my first crush ever for after like ten years... It's funny that how I feel after all these years... I never had a fruitful relationship because I was looking for this feeling and I never felt it with anyone...  
" Hey Anna, I hear you saved us a good trip to downtown finding a shrink! I want to thank you for that..."  
A handsome blonde guy named Eric Johnson sits next to me. I smile at him.  
" I think I've seen some of your movies. You're a very good actor."  
"Oh! Thanks so much Dr! I'm so glad to hear this from you."

He gives me a lady killer smile and says

" You look like one of those people that are easy to be friendly with. I like you!"

Well I don't know what to say to that so I give him a smile and say

" You look kind of friendly yourself too."

Suddenly there is a hand on my shoulder. I turn around only to James standing behind me. He takes out a bar stool and sits on it.

"why haven't you drink your wine, Annabella? Don't you like it?"

"I don't drink wine and please call me Anna!"

He smiles at me kindly and says

" what do you want to drink then, Anna?"

I smile at him and say

" Some juice maybe! Thank you."

He waves at the bartender and asks for orange juice for me… Eric starts to talk about one the movies that he and James used to work on with… it's named fifty something… I remember that movie going viral but I never had a chance watching it… they both seem surprised… Eric's phone rings and he goes out to answer it…

" So tell me about yourself Anna! You said we met in Arizona years ago but I really can't recall it… when was it exactly?"

"you have every right not to remember me! I've just started college and you were doing a scene around my house… we met and went out a couple of times… we never contacted each other anymore… end of story!"

"Oh! I remember some vague memories… well it's very nice to see you again… we can keep in touch now!"

My heart rate increases a bit but I keep a straight face… I see his ring… shit he's married!

" Yeah, sure! You're married! Do you have kids?"

"yes, two girls! God I love them… they're the best thing in the world!"

It's nine in the evening when I arrive at my apartment… I had a fun night after I don't know how long… I take out my phone and dial my dad's number… it's ten o'clock in Arizona so he must be at home… a woman answers his cell...

"hello?"

"excuse me! Is this Dr Pritchett's cellphone?"

" yes he's not available now… can I take your message?"

I frown at her tone… she doesn't sound like his assistant… and he would have told me if he was seeing someone… so who is she?

" Please tell her Anna called!"

"ok!"

And she hangs up… how weird and rude… I shrug and take out a bottle of water from the fridge and go to my room… I fire up my laptop holding James's business card in my hand… Jamie Dornan… well I prefer James so I'm gonna keep calling him that… I open the browser and go to YouTube and type "James Dornan" in the search tab… I start watching and totally lose track of time…

I glance at my watch and see it's already 7:30 in the morning… Shit! I've been watching James's movies and interviews for eight straight hours… I can't believe I haven't slept all night… I don't know how I feel… but I know that I have to go to my office in an hour… if I sleep I will never make it to work… so I decide on taking a shower...

When I come out of my apartment my phone starts ringing… it's my dad…

" Hey daddy! I called you last night!"

" Hey pumpkin, yeah Lucy just told me… how are you honey? Everything ok?"

" yeah everything is fine… who's Lucy?"

" She's um… I wanted to tell you this… we started seeing each other a couple of weeks ago… I'm sorry honey!"

"Dad! Don't be sorry… I want you to be happy… daddy! Do you remember James? Ten years ago there was this actor guy who took me out a couple of times?"

" You mean your first crush James? Of course I remember what about him?"

" I saw him yesterday…"

I give him a brief summary of yesterday and he listens patiently… when I'm finished he says

" Honey… he's married and you seem to have kind of feelings for him… will you be okay?"

" Of course dad… he's just a friend… all of them are so nice… I became friends with all of them."

" I'm so happy to hear this sweetie… tell me something when are you going to come and pay your old man a visit, huh?"

" As soon as I can daddy… I miss you so much."

" Oh honey, I miss you too. Stay safe!"

" I will… kiss kiss…"

" kiss you darling…"


	4. Chapter 4

I am in the kitchen reading one of the psychological articles about DID patients. I hear a knock on the door and then it opens. There he is again...  
" Hey, anybody home?"  
" yeah come in intruder!..."  
He laughs out loud and comes in. It should bother me but it doesn't. He enters the kitchen and says  
" Are you reading another one of your scary novels?"  
" No, not this time! And my novels aren't scary... they're mysterious... They are a lot different..."  
He opens the fridge and says  
" whatever... potato potah-to! Since when you started drinking beer?"  
" I don't... I went shopping last night and I remembered you always nagging about no liquor in my house... so I picked them out for you..."  
His head whips at me and gives me a breathtaking smile.  
" You're the best; you know that?"  
" Yeah! But it doesn't mean I changed my mind about beer! You should stop drinking too much too!"  
He takes one out of the fridge and passes me my favorite apple juice. Wow! It's my own house and he's offering me drinks... why don't I get mad at him? I give him a sour look and ask  
" what is it this time? You don't look like you had another fight with Amelia, so what is it?"  
The oven alarm goes off so I stand up and make my way to it. He suddenly looks serious, very serious which gives me goosebumps ... I take the lasagna out of the oven and put the sauce on top of it... I kind of thought he might show up and hopefully made enough for two. He helps me with the plates and starts to talk  
" you remember my friend John? You met him at the party... in Daniel's house!"  
I don't like his tone... it alarms me that I won't like what he's going to say...  
" No I don't think I remember him... what's with him?"  
He fidgets a little and starts to put lasagna in the plates.  
" You know he's tall, black hair, hazel eyes, full lips, nice body..."  
" Honey, Are you trying to tell me that you found out you're gay? Or you're trying to set me up with someone?"  
He laughs out loud for a couple of minutes... well these kinds of laughter is so rare for him... like very rare... I drink a gulp of my juice and wait until he cools down... he grabs a chair and sits across from me at the bar stool... giving me a what-the-hell-am-I-going-to-do-with-you look, he says  
" I was saying, he's a great guy... he asked me to introduce someone to him and I thought of you... Go on a date with him please, Anna! He is a really nice guy... and I think you will look good together..."  
I start to eat my lasagna... hmm it's delicious...  
" You know I hate it when you guys try to set me up with someone... the last guy Andy introduced me to was a total jerk... he wanted to get in my pants since the minute he saw me..."  
He starts eating too.ĺ.. A dashing smile crosses his face and says  
" God I love your foods... I started putting weight since we met..."  
I give him a stop-with-the-nonsense look and he gets the message... he eyes me ruefully and says  
" Believe me he is good... he broke up with his girlfriend last year and hasn't been dating since then... we met on Friday and he asked me to introduce him to someone. Please just go on one date! Just this one and I stop badgering ever again."  
I leave my food halfway through. Unlike him I started loosing weight since I met him again. He puts me out of my food.  
"Do you think I like living like this?"  
My voice cracks... I feel the lump growing in my throat...  
He watches me frightened but keeps quiet. That's wise of him...  
" You think I don't like being someone? Loving and being loved? You think I like it whenever I go to see a friend they say "are you still single?" Like it's any of their fucking business! ... No... I don't like being this way either... I, too, want a marriage... I wanna have kids... lots of them... I want to have a life ... but I'm tired... tired of waiting around for the perfect guy in a shining armor to come and give me a red rose... I'm tired of being a twenty eight year old maiden... but that's it... I want a baby! I want to have a baby and I don't need a guy for that!"  
He shakes his head in horror and says  
" No...No,no,no,no! No Anna don't do this to yourself! You'll find someone! I promise you… please Anna don't do this!"

" I've been keeping telling my self the exact same thing but when? I only once met someone I really liked but I was a teenager back then and I was scared so I never told him about my feelings. And like always things didn't go the way I wanted to! But that was it! I never ever had any kind of feeling for anyone else… not even once I met a guy who I could see myself grow old with… so I give up… I want a family I'm gonna make one… I'm going to the sperm bank tomorrow!"

"You're not doing such a foolish thing Anna! I won't let you do this?"

"It's not up to you, You know! You're not my father or brother or anything!"

I know I'm way above the line… he looks at me hurt but he doesn't back down…

" I am your friend Anna! A very worried friend… I worry about you all the time… when I don't see you for a day I miss you… it's like I lost something… you are a very valued friend for me… believe me it's like this for the other guys too! We all love you… you always help us out… in any kind of situation…"

And then it's like he remembered something…

" who was that guy?"

" Who?"

" The one you like when you were a teenager! Who was that?"

He eyes me suspiciously… Uh-Oh! I don't like the way this conversation is going…

" you don't know him! He's married and has kids… that doesn't matter!"

" Okay he doesn't matter! But don't do this Anna please! Let's just eat our dinner and then go for a walk, eh?"

I look at him and say

" Where is Amelia? She's going to kill you if you go home and don't eat her food! We talked about this… this may not me important for you but it's important to women... even if say otherwise!"

"Don't sweat it! She took the girls to visit her mom… they will stay the night!"

"Okay! But never tell her you were here! That would only worsen your situation. And besides she hates my guts!"

He laughs and says

" Not like that! You're not her favorite type, that's all!"

"James, let's be honest with each other! She hated me since the moment she laid eyes on me. I don't know what exactly did I do or how I hurt her but she's like that and I accept it! She sees me as a sexual predator sucking on married men's blood. Well it's not my fault that most of you are married and I seem to have a good relationship with you guys! But I can't change it. So I'm gonna live with it! And so do you! Don't feed her imagination… a woman's imagination can be very wild and destructive… which you know very good yourself!"

"yeah I do! And I won't tell her anything. Don't worry!"

I give out a long heartbreaking sigh and go back to my food. Well he has a point! He is a really good friend for me! And the thing is that fortunately he doesn't know the guy was himself. And he can never know that… not ever!


	5. Chapter 5

So it's a Saturday night ... like other Saturday nights but with a slight difference... some of the guys and girls from the crew and my assistant are at my house... we are having a really fun night... actually I never had fun like this. I wanted to make dinner but Eric insisted on buying everyone pizza... so we had pizza and we played poker and we danced... James played some piano for us... I did too... I sang a song in Korean and they all loved it... I had to drink two beers because I lost two times in poker... James had seven... Damn Eric had only one... Daniel and Andy are totally wasted.  
We start to play truth or dare... I spin the bottle it stops on Margaret and Daniel...  
" Truth or Dare, sugar?"  
Says Daniel with a wicked smile. Margaret gives him a grin and says  
" Truth!"  
"When was the last time you slept with someone?"  
I am shocked by his audacity... Margaret by the way isn't shocked at all... well it's my first time playing this game... so what do I know?...  
"August 23rd... it was my birthday... I was so sad and I went to a bar, picked up a guy and had a one night stand..."  
Every body gives a comment and claps their hands... I look at James... he's sitting across from me... he winks at me and gives me his crooked smile... I suddenly feel warm and start to fan my face with my hand... Margaret spins the bottle and it stops on me and Andy who's sitting left to James...  
" Truth or Dare, Anna?"  
" Truth!"  
He gives me a dangerous grin and says  
" what size are your bra cups?"  
My jaw drops... he is a complete jerk... everybody starts woo-ing... I can't believe he asked me this! Well I have big boobs everybody knows that! But to point it out like this is ... I don't know... so hot! I give out a long breath...  
" 34-C!"  
Everybody claps their hands and some of them whistle... I cover my face with my hand and start giggling... I always saw girls and boys playing this game at school but I never was interested in these kind of things... now I understand what I was missing... this is so much fun!  
I spin the bottle so it stops on Eric and James... Eric grins and asks James...  
" Truth or Dare, pal?"  
James narrows his eyes at Eric and says  
" Dare!"  
Eric gives out a loud laughter and says  
" You made my day man! You have to make out with Anna for three minutes!"  
My head whips at him and I stare at him blankly... what the fuck is this? Why does he want this?  
" Why?"  
" Because it was fantasy to see you guys kissing! Oh, and you have to use your tongues too!"  
Oh My God! I can't believe this... I look at James but he looks at ease... he stands up and walks over to me and gives me his hand... I take it and he yanks me to my feet... I stand up in front of him and look him in the eye and swallow... he looks at me and tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear and touches my face with knuckles... his touch makes me shiver... he dips his head and starts kissing me... wow! It starts like a murmur but it grows more fierce as the seconds tick by... It's like I've been electrocuted... I opened my mouth and started kissing him back... his hands found their way in my hair and I throw my arms around his neck and tug on his hair... his stubbles burn my face and I weirdly like the feeling of it... for three minutes I let myself forget about everything but his kiss... I let myself forget about that he's married and has two kids... I let myself forget about everything but his mouth on me... suddenly I'm aware of people counting from ten to one... I get the feeling that these are my last seconds... his lips grow more urgent... he kisses me harder and deeper...  
" five... four... three... two... one! Woooowww!"  
He stops and lays his forehead on mine for some moments and kisses me one more time on the lips... a sweet soft kiss... and then lets go of me...

It feels so hot inside that I can not take it anymore. I come out into the balcony to get some fresh air... I feel kind of drunk... Eric made me drink two more beers... that bastard... but I like him... he's funny and friendly... I smile at my memories of him taking off his pants in a dare… I love these people… they make me happy and laugh… I love them… specially James… oh I love him so much… I squirm when I remember our kiss… it was better than the one we had ten years ago… I vaguely recall how it was back then… he was the first boy I really wanted to kiss and he made my wish come true on my graduation night when we went to the bar with the girls… I always had a crush on him and seriously what are the odds to meet the actor you have a crush on in a bar at your hometown… I couldn't concentrate and the girls knew I had a crush on him… they dared me to go and tell him I liked him… I still remembered how scared I was… I walked over to their table… they were all this guys I guess they were the crew and I asked to speak with him in private… he followed me and we went outside… I was so nervous my heart was in my mouth… but he was so nice and didn't tease me… he knew what I was about to tell… I was looking at the asphalt under my feet and twitching my fingers together…

" Hi, my name is Anna and I want to tell you something… I like you… like really like you! I always wanted to see you and tell you in person… It's my graduation night and I think God wanted to give me this present…"

He put his hand under my chin and made me look at him in the eye… he smiled and me and said

" you're a beautiful girl… well, it's your graduation so I have to give you a present I think!"

His eyes were shining with something and he looked really drunk… he ran his hand through my hair and I got goosebumps all over my body… he lowered his head and said …

" Happy graduation Anna! I wish you have a very good time in college!"

And he kissed me… I didn't know how to react… I tried to kiss him back but I wasn't a good kisser… so I failed… He kissed my forehead and gave me a card and said…

" Here's my card! Give me a call maybe we could go out on a date or something! Good luck beautiful Anna!"

And he walked back to the bar... I told him this a while ago...he says he remembers but I know that he lies… he doesn't remember at all… maybe if we had slept together he could remember… Hmmm… there is a dark voice inside my head that says: " No he couldn't remember even then!"

" You get cold here! Why did you come out?"

I turn around and see James flushed face and his tousled hair… I smile at him and say

" Hey, you look hot!"

I wink at him and give out a foolish laughter… wow! I AM drunk! He laughs and says

" well, there is a good reason why you don't drink alcohol! You are so drunk!"

I keep smiling at him and suddenly feel shy remembering his mouth on mine… I never felt so good in a kiss… that was hell of a kiss! He comes near me and says

" I remember Anna! I remember the bar… I remember the shy blushing girl who walked up to me… I remember you having your head down and telling me so sweetly that you liked me… I remember our kiss… I remember everything… I told you I remembered you but I lied… all these past months I was thinking so hard to remember you… but I couldn't! But tonight… the moment I started to kiss you… It all came back to me…In my head there was a place I always thought about that girl… I couldn't remember your name but I recalled that I gave you my number! But you never called… I always thought that you didn't like it when I kissed you and that was why you never called me… I was always in the dark… I always had this vague memory of you and I couldn't remember your name! But now I know… why didn't you call?"

I look at him in total shock! I didn't expect him to ask me this… what should I say?

" I was shy! I thought if I called I would interrupt you and you were gone so I couldn't see you anyway… so there was no point in calling!"

He touches my face with the tip of his fingers and says

" you know I liked you back then! Really really liked you! I wanted to sleep with you but you were too young and fragile! But when I left I regret it that I didn't sleep with you! I didn't even mention it to you, cuz you were so innocent! And I didn't want to see me as a pervert. They all came back to me tonight."

He touches my lips and his lips parts… I look at his pretty mouth and say

" You want to hear a secret?"

He nods…

" I wish we did sleep together… you would be my first… but we didn't and I'm still a virgin!"

I start giggling like a high school girl. He gapes at me in disbelief… he swallows hard and says

" Really? You never slept with anyone?"

" No!"

" Why not?"

" Cuz I had to be in love and I have never been in love with anyone!"

 _Except for you_ … I continue in my head… he shakes his head and says

" Can I kiss you again?"

" how drunk are you exactly?"

" Drunk enough that I know I want to kiss you like really bad!"

" okay then!"

As he dips his head to meet my lips… there is a sound inside… we rush through the balcony doors and see that Andy and Daniel tried to make a tower with beer bottles but they failed… and there is glass every where… I shake my head and they rush through the kitchen to find the mop and clean up the mess! I look at James through my lashes and catch him looking at me from the corner of his eyes… we both know that the moment's gone and we will never kiss again… it stings… the truth is that he's married and has two adorable kids… I make my way through the salon to give these morons a hand…


	6. Chapter 6

The girl in the mirror looks nothing like me... she's wearing a black sapphire evening dress... her hair is beautifully done and her makeup makes her look flawless... I haven't ever felt less like me... ever! ... but Eric is throwing a masked ball for fundraising for a charity named All-Together charity and invited all of us... and for some unknown reason he insisted on wearing a dress... I've never even once wore a dress... even in the highest class parties I would be wearing a pant suit... but this?! I think I look hideous...  
" You look stunning Anna! Don't frown!"  
Andy is standing beside me... it was only two days ago that he called and asked if I could be his date on this ceremony... well not date, date... just go with him to the party date... and I accepted... my senses haven't been attuned to mother nature since the party at my house... since our truth or dare game... since... since James and I kissed... and I haven't seen the guys for almost three weeks ... so I accepted his proposition as a date...and now he is here in the beauty salon which he has reserved for me to get ready... oh Eric! I hate you man!...

There are lots of cars parked when we arrive at the party... we are in a black limo... I am wearing a black mask that covers half my face... Andy gets off quickly and opens my door... I stumble into his arms... shit! For Pete's sake! I am tall enough without any kind of additional options! Now I have to wear heels... oh God I know every second of this evening would be like death to me... I always wear sneakers and converses...  
" So sorry baby! Come... take my arm and lean on me!"  
I look around and see lots of cameras around us... shit! I haven't thought about this... there are a lot of reporters here... I think I'm gonna throw up... Andy takes my chin and says  
" Look at me... you're not going to faint! Trust me... just come! Ok?"  
" Ok!"  
I take his arm and we go inside the house...  
" why didn't you tell me about the press? They're all gonna wonder who I am! I don't wanna be on the news!"  
" Don't worry about it! I will have it covered. Just try to enjoy tonight ok? I really want you to be happy; tonight and every other nights..."  
I look at his pretty face and smile at him...  
" Why didn't you ask your girlfriend to come with you?"  
"We broke up last week! It was for the best of both of us... And I knew James would come with his wife and other guys had their own plans so I asked you!"  
" Hey! Look at you! You look heavenly, dearest Anna!"  
We turn to our left and see Eric and his wife...  
"Hi, Eric, Adria! Nice to see you."  
Eric kisses both my cheeks and gives Andy a quick hug and they start to talk animatedly about the game last night... Adria just shakes hands with us... she doesn't like me... well it's no news for me... she and Amelia are kind of best friends so no wonder she is looking at me like this... I shake my head and tell Andy that I am going to get a drink...  
Eric really knows how to throw a party... I pick up a glass of honey colored drink which I have no idea what it is! But before I start drinking a hand stops me in the middle of the air and takes the glass from me... I look up and my hearts stops beating for several seconds... then it starts to beat crazy fast...  
"This is brandy... you haven't drunk anything stronger than a beer so this will ruin you!"  
James puts the glass down and picks up another one and hands it to me...  
" Here... this one is white wine... you can take this!"  
How can he be so at ease while I'm dying inside?!... I take the glass from him and say  
" Thank you!"  
He smiles and says  
" You look lovely! I've never seen you in a dress before... it suits you!"  
"That's because I've never wore a dress before!"  
I take in a deep breath to calm myself... he's in a black tuxedo and he has a bow tie around his neck... I can see his eyes through his black mask...  
" How have you been, Annabella?"  
I gasp...  
" Don't call me that!"  
He rises his brows and says  
" Why? That's your name! You've been avoiding my calls and texts and emails for three weeks... I thought... I thought you didn't want to see me ever again… I was worried about you… I didn't even know that you would come to this party or not! But then Eric said that Andy asked you to come as his date! Then I figured maybe I am the only person you don't want to talk to!"

Oh my God! He sounds so hurt… I was wondering how to react when I see him but I can't say a word… nothing… I take a deep breath and take a sip of my drink…

"My name's Anna! Just Anna! And I wasn't avoiding your calls or texts or whatever… I was just so busy these last three weeks… I wasn't in states since that Monday after the party at my place… I had lots of seminars lining up that I had to attend to… some of my articles have been published recently and drew a lot of attention… you can ask Margaret she will tell you… I haven't checked my personal email for so long and… I couldn't take your calls because whenever you called I was asleep or I couldn't answer and when I had time to call you back… It was too late to call…"

He shakes his head and says

"Everything you say makes sense… like always… but I have a feeling that it's not all the truth… why do I feel like that?"

I look deep into his eyes and say

"maybe it's because you expected me to avoid you… which I'm not… I missed you… all my trip I was thinking about you!"

Wow! Where did that come from? My tongue has come out of its leash… _Shut up Anna!_ My mind shrieks at me… then I see it… the look in his eyes changes… he lets his guard down and takes my hand…

" I missed you so much Anna! I haven't feel like this ever… I was going crazy thinking that you don't want to see me…"

"I'm sorry! You are my friend James... a very good friend… our friendship means so much to me…"

" Me too. I don't want to lose you."

We both are startled by a voice coming from our left…

" Oh, here you are Jamie darling! I was looking for you all over the place."

Amelia! I take out my hand from James grip and turn to her… it's obvious she hasn't recognized me yet… she smiles at us and says

" Don't you want to introduce us honey?"

He looks at me and says

" Millie, you know Anna! She's just changed so much nobody recognizes her."

I see her eyes cool down… I smile at her and say

" it's nice to see you again Amelia!"

She gives me a probing look and says

" Yes, It is nice to see you Miss Pritchett!"

I realize her emphasis on Miss! I can't help but keep a straight face… she eyes me and James suspiciously and says

" Jamie can we go for a dance? Eric said the first dance is for couples."

She is literally peeing all over him and she has every right to! But I'm dying of laughter and my whole body is starting to shake… suddenly there are hands on my shoulders…

" well look who is here! The Dornan Couple! Missed you Millie… How are the kids?"

Amelia looks his hands on my shoulders quizzically and says

" They're fine… they miss you too! Did you come with Anna?"

Wow… I'm Anna now! I take a quick look at James who is eyeing Andy not in a good way… Andy gives my shoulders a fine squeeze and says

" Yes, Anna accepted to be my date for tonight! And the first dance is for couples so I'm gonna take my date back!"

He looks at me and says

" Shall we go on the floor, sweetheart?"

I know what he's doing… I put my glass down on the table and smile at him…

" Yes, Let's dance!"

Well, dancing never has been my area of expertise… especially not in heels… but Andy really knows how to dance so I just lean on him and let him make the moves…

" Thank you!"

He gives me a puzzled look and says…

" for what?"

"For asking me to come with you! If it was up to me, I would be working out or watching TV or something like that! Cuz it was weird for me to come alone!"

He gives me a kind smile and says

" I knew if nobody asked you, you would have never come! And I knew Eric wanted us to all gather together… Anna you are very dear to us… all of us! We all want you to be happy!"

Tears prick in my eyes and I hug him… He kisses my hair and says

" I don't care what anyone would think Anna!"

We continue dancing to the song… and for the first time tonight I let myself feel some joy…

I take a glass of orange juice and go outside on to the porch… Andy is inside talking to some old friends and other guys are busy with their partners… I keep remembering what James told me… to be honest I was avoiding his calls… because I didn't know how to react… but seeing him here tonight with Amelia… it put all in place… I have feelings for him… for the first time in my life I have feeling for someone but it's for the wrong person… I loved him back then… one of those love at the first sights… I always thought of it as a crush for an actor… but now I know it was more… I always had this feeling… that's why I couldn't feel anything for anyone else… James was the one… I have to get over this stupid feeling and get on with my life…

" It's so cold out here… are you not having fun?"

Eric puts his coat around me… I smile at him and say

" Thanks… This is a really nice party… Thank you for inviting me!"

"Sure… Anna I wanted to talk to you!"

His tone makes me gather my wits and listen to him carefully…

" About what?"

"About you and Jamie! he seems lost… he talked to me while he couldn't find you and… Anna! It's obvious that you two have feelings for each other… Jamie doesn't know how you feel but I do… I can tell by the way you look at him or him at you… I know you won't act on it… and I know he wouldn't go for you… because he's married but he's miserable… he's miserable in his marriage… he's miserable with you… he can't express himself well because whatever he does makes Millie think he's leaving her for you… Millie knew he cares about you since the first moment she saw you… you're a woman yourself so you should know better how women's instincts kick in when they see some other girl has captured their mate's attention… so they become territorial… I know all these because Millie apparently talks to my wife…"

He takes a deep breath and looks ahead…

" I'm not telling you this to sour your mood or anything… I'm merely telling you what's going on… These last three weeks have been hell for him… he was drunk that night and couldn't remember much about what happened between you two… he was going crazy until I called to let him know that Andy said he would take you here to the party… he was both relieved and shattered… He came to me and he was a mess…"

I gasp… Oh my God!

" that was the first time I saw him like this… Anna! I myself don't even know what is right and what is wrong anymore…"

He takes a deep breath and I realize how deep the problem is…

" Honey the auction is about to start…"

Adria calls from behind and we go back inside… Andy comes and takes my hand… I give Eric's coat back to him and go to our table… my mind is wandering around the information Eric bombarded me with… I have to do something… This can't be like this…


	7. Chapter 7

James is at my office… he's been in therapy for like four months or so… I keep telling him coming to this sessions alone doesn't do much benefit for his marriage… his wife has to attend too… but he doesn't want Amelia to know about this…

" Anna… I feel like she doesn't love me anymore… and I don't know if I love her anymore either… It's killing me and I have no clue what to do… please help me! I'm so helpless…"

I sit on the couch beside him and say

" James… If you didn't love each other anymore… you would be feeling relieved… do you feel relieved?"

Tears fill his beautiful eyes and says

" I don't know… I don't think I know anything anymore…"

I put my right hand on his shoulder and say

" No honey, you are miserable… so is she! That means love… every couple have their own kind of ups and downs in life… this is one of your downs… probably the deepest one… so don't crack under pressure… you have to be flexible… like a young branch…"

Suddenly he starts crying and my heart contracts… this is a very lonely man… tears start to fall off my face and I hug him and say

" Please don't cry… everything will be ok with you two… your relationship has so much strong roots… it wouldn't be ruined by these kinds of fights…"

The door opens in a sharp move and Amelia is in my office… I stand up instantly and look at her… her face is lined with tears and she looks at us with so much hate…

" Amelia listen to me! I know how it looks but it's not what you think... let me ex-…"

She slaps me hard on my cheek and says

" You filthy woman! You go on and break marriages up and keep the parts for yourself…"

She storms out of my office and I run after her… I take her hand and make her stop… she wants to slap me again but I take her hand in midway…

" I received a slap I didn't deserve but I'm not gonna let you give me another one…"

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself…

" what you saw was a friend helping another… talk to your husband… he needs you the most… you two are helplessly in love with each other but you're always arguing over nothing… talk to him… go for consulting… you can work this out… for your and your lovely kids' sake…"

She gives me an unbelieving look and says

" That's what this is about? He comes to you for advice? You're not ruining my marriage but fixing it?"

She starts to laugh and says

" Why can't I believe you?"

" You don't have to! Just talk to him… that's all!"

I go back into my office… James is still here! I give him my friend's card and say

" this is one of my friends, Jason Park! You've met him once he came to see me in my house! He's one of the best in his field… he will help you and Amelia get back to your life!"

He looks at me shocked… he opens his mouth to say something twice… but he can't say anything…

" This doesn't mean anything! She can't trust me and for this to work she has to trust someone! So go to him!"

" Anna I… I'm sorry… I'm so so so sorry… I don't know what to say!"

" Go home James! Or wherever you think your wife will go now! Go to her and make her listen to you! Tell her everything! I'm tired and I've been slapped today… I want to go home!"

He blanches… he stands in front of me and wants to touch my face… But I can't bear his touch now… cuz I know I will break down and that's the last thing I want now! I turn around to pick up my coat and purse… he's visibly shocked… but this is good for him… he can't have it both ways… I know he has feelings for me but he also loves his wife…

I look at his pained face and give him a small smile and say

" Goodbye, James! Let's not see each other for a while! Give Amelia a break… Email me and let me know how it goes okay?"

He nods… and I come out of my office… _I must not cry… I must not cry… I must not cry…_

I repeat this mantra in my head… until I arrive at home… I go to sleep immediately… tomorrow I will go to my office like nothing's changed…

I couldn't focus at work… at all… So that's it... I can't do this any more... I have to get away from here... to think and sort out my thoughts... everything's a mess here... I never ever wanted to destroy a family... I never ever have thought I would feel this way about James... well I sort of loved him back then in those years. But for heaven's sakes he's married now and has two beautiful adorable kids... how can I feel like this?... after the day like yesterday I can't stay here for more. I have to go...  
I arrive home at six fifteen in the evening. I enter my room grab a suitcase and start packing some clothes. Mostly jeans and T-shirts... I sit on my bed and try to think were to go. Tears are threatening... but I don't let them come out because if I give up to them they won't leave me for at least a couple of days. I pick up my cellphone and call my dad.  
" hey sweetie, what's up?"  
" Daddy? Do you have company? I mean at home. Or you're by your own?"  
" I'm alone. What is it honey? Everything ok?"  
" Can I crash with you for a couple of days?"  
" Sure thing! This is your house too, baby! Come!"  
" Ok dad, love you..."  
" Love you more..."

I arrive at the airport... all tired and puffy eyed... and there he is, my more than beloved dad. He opens his arms and I run to his embrace... like always he doesn't say anything... he just hugs me and let me weep into his neck.  
Half an hour later we are at home. He never lays a finger at my room. It's exactly like I left it six years ago to go and start my residency in Washington. I put my stuff in my room and sit on my bed. I've never cried over a boy in my life. Well, not ever! I cried the last time I saw James while he was here in Arizona for a movie.  
My dad comes in and sits beside me. He doesn't say anything, just starts to play with my hair. I close my eyes and start to talk. Since the first moment I laid my eyes on James till the moment I decided I should run. He doesn't talk... he just listens... I sometimes forget that this man is my dad. We have no secrets from each other... we never did... I'm not ashamed of talking to him about my problems. When I'm finished he takes in a deep breath and says  
" what do you want me to do now, Anna? Do you need advice? As a father? A friend? Or a shrink?" He smiles at me revealing the crinkles around his eyes... I touch them and say  
" No dad! I know I did the right thing by walking away. I just don't know how to react afterwards."  
" Sweetheart, let's forget about these for a few days. Have you told anyone you were coming here?"  
" Only my assistant... I didn't tell her where I was going I just called her and asked her to cancel all my appointments for this week."


	8. Chapter 8

Today is my birthday… it's been a week and half since I came to Phoenix to stay with my dad for a while… he doesn't let me go out of his sight for long… because whenever he left me alone he found me curled up in a ball and crying until I couldn't open my eyes… so he does his best to keep me occupied... for example he took me shopping for clothes yesterday… mostly tank tops and both long and short tight skirts and jean shorts… I've never ever had these kinds of clothes… even when I was a teenager… Dad believes I missed out so much and he's trying to help me catch up… oh I love him so much… now I'm wearing a tight white tank top with a long red skirt and white sandals… my newly dyed hair is brushed beautifully and is draped around my shoulders… last night I decided to make a birthday cake for myself… dad wanted to invite some of our friends but I just wanted it to be two of us… actually this wasn't how I envisaged to spend my birthday… but being with my dad is as enjoyable as being with all my other friends… or even better…

I'm okay in the daytime… I have fun with dad and his friends… I laugh… we go shopping and sunbathing and all those things… but the nights are the worst… I always have nightmares… it usually starts in a meadow… It's huge and beautiful and it feels weirdly real… like I'm really there… but when I want to walk around in it, I find myself in a dark endless hallway… there is no light in there and I know I have to run because the walls are going to crush me… I want to run but I can't I'm trapped and I can't move… that's when I start screaming bloody murder… my dad wakes me up every time and tries to make me feel better… then I fire up my computer and start watching James's interviews on TV in YouTube… I start laughing at his jokes and cry at the same time because I miss him so much… last night dad was hugging me in my bed and watching the videos with me… he patiently wiped my tears and said

" Sweetie, are you sure this was the right thing to do?... I mean it was right but how can I trust my instincts when I see you hurt like this? But maybe there could be a way…"

I stopped him immediately and said

" No dad! Don't! Please … I beg you! Don't let me doubt my decision… because with the way I'm feeling right now… all I need is a but! So don't give me that! Please!"

He hugged me tight and said

"Oh honey!"

I have turned my cellphone off for a week and when I turned it on for a short while… I saw that I had so many missed calls and voice messages… mostly from Eric and Andy… They all were worried about me… there was only one message from James…

"Anna, I can't call you… you don't answer your emails and all my texts has been failed so I know you've turned your phone off… nobody knows where you are… Margaret said you told her to cancel all your appointments for a week and didn't say anything else… I'm really worried about you, honey! Please please please… answer one of us at least… let me know that you're okay… I miss you…"

His voice broke in the end… so I sent a text message to James, Eric and Andy…

" I'm fine… came to see my dad… will be here for a while!"

And turned it right back off…

I've also met Ethan… he's dad's friend's son… we first met at the bar… he asked me to dance and I accepted… I remember uncle Joey but I didn't know he had a son… he told me that his son was studying in some college in Italy to become a chef… we spent a night barbecueing and he taught me how to make a delicious steak… later that night I played on his piano and we forced dad and Lucy to dance…

I'm here at the hypermarket and I'm shopping for groceries and ice cream and ingredients for making a chocolate cake… I also buy some other things I need too! By the time I'm back at home… it's almost noon so I start making some fried stirs and start with my cake… Dad's not home and he forgot his keys… Again! I swear he does this on purpose… he wants to piss me off intentionally… if he had a habit of forgetting his keys he would have been stuck outside all the times…

The lunch is ready… I eat mine and save some for my dad while I wait for the chocolate to melt… I can never make a cake without making myself all powdery and dirty… I'm half way through with the dressing that the bell rings… I practically run and open the door then again run back to the kitchen… I begin when I left off and start nagging…

" Dad I've told you millions of times… Don't forget your keys! Is that so hard? What if I wasn't home? What would you do then? God! It's my twenty eighth birthday and I decided to bake my own cake and I'm gonna ruin it!"

He's weirdly quiet… he always tries to reason himself and give excuses… what happened to him? I turn around quickly to check on him … and I forget how to breathe…

" Hello, Anna! How have you been?"

 _Oh my God!he's here…_

All my life I experienced lots of different kinds of feelings… none of them compared to what I am feeling right now… I'm exhausted… like I've come out of a really long marathon… I'm dazzled by this beautiful man who is a forbidden fruit for me… I'm tired of having these extreme feelings for him… and above all I l haven't missed anyone like I missed him… I am feeling all of these feelings all at the same time… and it's really confusing… and I'm vaguely aware that I'm a mess!

He walks in the kitchen… he eyes me warily but it's just for a minute… his eyes melt and there are lots of feelings in them that it hurts even to look at him… I'm out of words… I can't find my voice or know what to say… he by the way is cool as ever… he take the cake and puts it in the fridge… he turns back to me and looks at me… just looking at him makes me feel right about my decision to leave… I can't be around him and feel like this because he's married…

I turn around and start washing my hands… he comes to stand behind me… takes my hands and starts to wash them… I remember doing the exact thing for him the last time we were making a cake in my house … I look at his dear, dear features… his nose… his cheeks… his hair… I notice his stubbles… God I love running my fingers through his stubbles…

" There… done!"

He gives me a heart clenching smile… I swallow hard and try to talk…

"Ho-… wha-…whe-…"

But I can't form a word let alone a sentence… but like always he understands me…

" I was very worried about you! I couldn't get a hold on you and never of the guys knew anything! I thought you would at least talk to Eric or Andy! But they were clueless, too! I even went to meet with Jason… and when I got your text..."

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes and shakes his head…

" Oh Anna! When I saw your message… it was like I could breathe again… but I was hurt… you didn't call me… I know you were offended when Millie slapped you but… I never knew I would feel the way I felt when I couldn't find you… but then both Andy and Eric called me to tell me you're okay and I figured I wasn't the only one you texted…last night when I came home after finishing the plot… I figured I couldn't take it anymore…I called the director and told him I couldn't come in for a couple of days… Millie was at her friend's place… I left her a message that I had to leave for a few days… then I bought a ticket to Phoenix and called Jason… I asked him for your home address… he wouldn't tell me and it was so frustrating… but when I gave him a brief summary of what happened, he spilled the beans… and now I'm here…"

He wipes a gulp of chocolate off my face and puts it in his mouth... I gasp… how can he do things like this? He smiles and says

" I had to come to see you're okay… that you're safe and happy! Anna, you look radiant… I've never seen you like this before… and you're hair color suits you! You look so… I can't find a word… domestic maybe! I missed you so much!"

" Why is Millie at her friend's? Didn't you talk to her? Didn't you make up?"

" No, we actually did… I told her everything! She's still mad at me but she came around… you don't have to worry about that!"

" Oh Thank God!"

I let out a sigh of relief…

" Anna, honey! The front door's open… did you forget to close it or something?"

My dad comes right to the kitchen… James lets go of me and takes a step back… I turn to look at my dad who's totally shocked and speechless… well that's something that never happens… I put a ridiculous smile on my face and say

" Dad, you know James! James this is my dad… I always talked to you about!"

James gives my dad his charming smile and shakes hands with my dad…

" it's to nice to see you after all, ! Anna talks about you all the time!"

Dad eyes him bewildered and shakes his hand…

" Please call me Jeffery! Why are you here?"

Uh-Oh! Dad is getting protective… I can feel it! He's afraid I get hurt… and he has every right to! He holds me every night crying in my sleep… so he can get a little uncomfortable seeing the reason of my sadness standing right next to me…

" I came to check on Anna! To see if she's okay… and wish her a happy birthday! She's threw a birthday party for all of us… the least I could do was to come here and wish her good luck on her birthday!"

Dad looks more relaxed and his hospitality senses kick in! He smiles at him and says

" well, we will be more than happy to have you here! Come on let's go sit and have a talk! My little girl seems to be in need of a shower after all the cooking!"

" yeah I couldn't agree with you more! She always cooks like this!"

James agrees with my dad with a big grin on his face…

" Dad!"

I scowl at him! He kisses my head and says

" Go honey! We will make ourselves busy!"

Nothing can beat a shower after a heartbreaking discussion… I have picked out a plum sundress to wear… I blow dry my hair while I'm still in my bathrobe… I never wore makeup before… but I want to wear makeup when I'm here… Danny, my dad's friend has taught me how to put on a good makeup! I'm doing great with my new mascara, when my phone starts ringing…

" Hello?"

"Hi darling girl, How is my little princess? Happy birthday honey!"

Oh my God it's mom!

" Hi mom, thank you so much! How are you? Oh I miss you so much!"

" Oh, sweetie I miss you too! I wish you were here… my little girl is turning twenty eight today!"

"well mom, I'm actually here, in Phoenix!"

There is a silence… I think the call have finished but it's not… then I hear a sobbing…

" Oh mom please! Don't cry… mom I'm sorry… I wasn't in a good condition that's why I didn't come to see you… I'm with dad… you can come here, you know! And we could all be together!"

" oh you bet I do! I'm coming there right now! I can't wait another minute to hold you!"

" Okay see you!"

" Babye honey…"

And she hangs up… I finish my makeup and put my clothes on…

When I was born Bella left me with my dad and went back to Paris… she never wanted me in first place and she attempted to abort… but dad found out and stopped her… she said she didn't want a kid but dad wanted me so he asked her to stay in the states through her pregnancy… and when I was born she never once held me… dad's wife, Amy by the way loved me since the first moment she laid her eyes on me… she couldn't have kids and she always wanted one… she told dad that she wanted to be my mom… they were divorced but they got along well, because of me… and I love her so much… she's the best mom anyone can imagine to have… I used to spend the weekends with both of them… we would go out to picnics, amusement parks, cinemas… like a family… and I sometimes went for a sleepover at her place… she taught me how to play piano… how to make lasagna… she also taught me how to dance… she used to be dance teacher…

I go downstairs and find dad and James on the couch laughing so hard and telling stories… shit! I forgot about James… mom will be here in any moment and she can't know what's going on… if she finds out… she will be disappointed and she will hate me… and I don't want that… at all!

" Dad, can I have a word please?"

He stands up and comes to the kitchen with me… I can't help but notice that James looking at me stunned… he never saw me like this before…

" You look very beautiful sweetie!"

" Thanks dad… there's a problem! Mom is coming here…"

" What is the problem in that? It's your birthday and she's your mom! She has a right to be with you!"

" But James is here! You know how she is! The moment she sees him she'll know what's going on… and she will hate me…"

Tears prick in my eyes… dad strokes my face and says

" Oh honey, she won't ever hate you! She loves you so much… you are nothing like Bella… Don't ever think that!"

I take a deep breath and blink my tears away… I hear her car pulling away then I hear her heels knocking on the ground… God I love this woman! She rings the bell and I fly to the door…

She looks like always… wearing a black skirt suit and she cut her hair shoulder length… she looks at me bewildered and awed… I hug her hard… and I know if it wasn't for this loving woman I wouldn't be the person I am right now… she hugs me back and pats my back…

" You look wonderful darling! I've never seen you like this before…"

I step back and let her in… she greets my dad and the kiss each other cheeks… James is standing in the hall and having a polite smile on his face… I hear mom gasps… wow! She knows him…

" Jamie Dornan! What a wonderful pleasure to meet you! Weird to meet you in my ex-husband's house… can somebody tell me what's going on?"

He gives mom his lady killer smile and says

" I'm friends with your daughter ma'am… I came here to wish her a happy birthday!"

Mom whips her head at me and eyes me suspiciously…

" Is it true Anna?"

Sheesh! I fidget uncomfortably and say

" Yes mom… it's a long story!"

" come on, Amy… have a seat… Anna will tell you everything while I make us some coffee!"

We sit and mom very enthusiastically says…

" So tell me… how on earth you two are friends?"

I give her a brief summary of how we met in my office and I became friends with all the crew…

I look at the candles sparkling… twenty eight… I'm twenty eight years old… and I have to wish before I blow the candles… when I was nineteen I had this fear of being twenty… so my mom told me that six month after my birthday I tell everyone that I'm twenty and then when I really turn twenty… I would have gotten used to the idea… so I made it a habit… and now turning twenty eight shouldn't scare me so much… but it does… it means I'm going to be thirty in two years… I shake my head to clear my thoughts and wish for health and happiness… then I blow the candles… it's a quiet birthday… mom and dad and James are sitting around the table with me and clap their hands… they give their presents to me…

" You didn't have to do this! Thank you!"

I kiss their cheeks and hug them one by one… dad has bought me a watch… mom gave me a pair of sunglasses and James gave me and iPod which has been filled with songs…

" Thank you so much!"

I cut the cake that I have made for my birthday and give everyone their share… mom and dad are reviewing some memories of my childhood and how I used to be so mischievous… James is laughing so hard that there are tears in his eyes…

" There was once we went to a park… You remember Jeff? We were always so worried about her to get hurt or something happen to her… and she was so fast… one moment she was there and you turn your head and she's gone… we couldn't find her for an hour or so… we have called the police and all… then we found her! You can't even believe where! She was up on one of the trees and was singing for the birds! I died a thousand death every time she went missing like that… which was so often!"

I should be embarrassed but I'm not… so I was a difficult kid… what's wrong with that?... after eating the cake… dad asks James to play chess with him and I am with mom and she's telling me about this guy she's meeting…

" He seems to be a good guy… I mean not so much daredevil and young like Bob… but he's enthusiastic and fun… you will like him! In fact I want you to see him tomorrow… are you okay with that?"

I smile at her pretty and dear face and say

" Of course mom! I'll be thrilled to meet with him!"

She looks over to the salon at dad and James… then eyes me suspiciously and says

" He's more than just a friend, isn't he?"

My whole body goes rigid… her sensors are turned on… I give her a small smile and say

" Yes, he's sort of my best friend… we are good friends for each other!"

I emphasize on "friends"… I hate this part that I'm forced to lie to her…

" Honey! He was your first crush as a teenager girl… and your first kiss was with him… he must mean more than that to you! It's obvious that you mean more to him! No one that is just a friend will travel one and half a thousand miles to celebrate their friend's birthday…"

I watch her in horror… and then her penny drops… she closes her eyes and take a deep breath and says

" You fell for him… and he for you… and he's married… and of course he has problems with her wife… and you're so scared of me figuring this out … because you think I will think of you as Bella… am I right?"

I look at my knotted fingers on my lap and nod… unable to speak… she puts her long fingers under my chin and says

" Don't drop your head like that, darling… I will never ever think about you like that! Is that why you didn't come to see me? Is that why you came here? To run away? To give him space so he can fix his marriage?"

I look at her blue eyes and tears start to run off my cheeks… I nod… she wipe my tears and says

" Oh dear! After all these years someone has captured your heart and he's taken… I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry that you're in pain…"

" there's this belief in middle and far east … they say that the children's pain and illness is a payback for their parents' sins… it's the way God wants to punish them with watching their loved ones in pain… which means I am in this situation because Bella committed a sin and broke your heart… that's the reason for my broken heart… and what's more… mom! I don't want to be a home wrecker…and I won't be… I'm not going to be like Bella…"

She smiles warmly at me and says

" Oh sweetheart! It's not like that honey… you won't be a home wrecker… you know… back then in those years… me and your dad… we had our own problems in our marriage… no third person can break up a marriage if there is no problem in that marriage…"

She runs her fingers through my hair and says

" And honey... you can be happy… it's obvious that he has feelings for you too… I can't blame him… you're so lovable… but you left to give him the opportunity to make his marriage work… you are a big person! I'm so proud of you…"

" He used to come to me for consult… I was helping him fix his marriage… but his wife thought we were having an affair… that's the reason I flew to here… and the depth of my feelings for him scares me…"

" Honey, we will figure this out! Don't worry!"


	9. Chapter 9

It's two in the morning and I can't go to sleep… I decide to go for a drink on the porch… I come out of my room and see James is coming out of his room too…

" Hey, can't sleep?"

He shakes his head and says

" No! I can't sleep… it's not that I don't go away a lot or so… I don't know why I can't go to sleep!"

" want to talk? A beer?"

"Sure!"

So, I am sitting in the porch on the table with James… he's wearing one of my dad's pajamas… we are sipping our drinks…

" You know! When I was doing my residency at the hospital… I sometimes went into the gallery to watch surgeries! At first they picked on me and said not nice things… but I didn't care! I could just sit there all day and watch them operating… I was the best resident in my field and I also liked it… but it was my second favorite… once there was an intern teasing me and saying if I wanted to be a surgeon I must have done more studying!"

I smile at the memory and shake my head… he puts his hand under his chin and listens with a smile on his face…

" Then the chief of surgery came in and asked him to leave the gallery! He was actually my dad's friend and knew I graduated by first ranking from my med school! He did his best to convince me to choose surgery but I didn't want that! As much as I loved watching them operating… I could also see how hard their lives are… you have to be in love with surgery to choose it… and of course your husband or wife has to be a surgeon too. Because the only time they got was in hospital… I wanted to live a life that I could have a week or two off sometimes… a life that I could have time to spend with my family and not always on holidays and ceremonies, but on a Tuesday afternoon when there is no event… I wanted to live a life when I could follow my passion for music!"

I take a sip of my juice and say

" I was offered a job as an attending in the hospital I was trained in… but I didn't accept that… because I knew that I was in love with surgery… and if I stayed in that hospital and got to work every day in that environment… I might have changed my mind and go in to surgery… so I came out and started my own practice… which turned out to be very good... which made me believe that it was the best thing to walk away and in order not to get tempted into making a decision that I might regret in the future…"

He narrows his eyes and understands I'm not talking about the surgery anymore…

" But you could have stayed in the hospital… still watch them from the gallery… and there was no need to change anything... everybody could be happy!"

" I was afraid it wasn't enough anymore… I went to the OR one day… just watched them from near… and I got how tempting it is… the chief let me touch a stomach tumor… that was the most exhilarating thing I experienced in my life… and then I got his point and didn't get near an OR for four months… then there was this patient of mine who swallowed everything he found and he needed surgery… so I had to go to the gallery once more… it was like hell… I wasn't satisfied with the gallery anymore… I wanted to be in the OR and pick up a scalpel… I wanted to feel a stomach again… but I contained myself and tried to accept the fact that I can't do this and watching other people doing it from a far wasn't that much bad… but then there was the memory of that touch… that feeling… It was the last year of my residency so when I got the chance to escape I grabbed it… and never went back to the gallery or came near to an OR anymore… I got on with my life and eventually forgot about it…"

He gives me a rueful smile and says

" You don't seem to be forgetting that at all, Honey! You seem to be missing it so much. Did you get the life you wanted? Now that you didn't choose surgery?"

I shrug and say

" Mostly… I like my job… I like helping people with emotional problem… I like to work with sick souls rather than sick bodies…"

" So you're gonna run away this time, too?"

He sounds deeply sad… the moonlight has lighted half his dear face… I can see ghost of tears in his eyes… I run my fingers through his stubbles… they're perfectly soft… He closes his eyes and leans his face to my touch…

" I'm still figuring it out… but it's highly likely I'm going to do that again! I don't want to be tempted… I just don't …"

He opens his eyes and watches me in horror… he grasp my face with both of his hands and starts kissing me… I stay completely still for a few moments then my nervous system kicks in and I start to kiss him back… this kiss is so much different than the last time… it's more urgent and more fierce… I can taste his passion and misery at the same time… he runs his fingers through my hair and gives me goosebumps when he touches my ear… as much as I hate to end our connection… I have to break it to get some air… I start panting like I've been running with twelve kilometers per hour with twenty degree tilt… he looks at me with tears in his eyes… he's panting too… my tears start to fall… he kisses each one which makes me cry even harder…

" James! This is wrong… you're married! You have a life that you love… this is wrong! So wrong… I can't let you slip like this…"

I lean my forehead against his and say…

" we can't be friends anymore… because that isn't enough for me and I sure as the hell am not a home wrecker… I don't know how it started but I know that I fell in love with you… I know that you too have feelings for me… but you can't … so this is what you'll do… tomorrow you will get on the plane and go back home… go to your family and focus on them… show your love to your family and spend time with them! Be the man you always have been and wanted to be… and forget about everything…"

" Oh Anna! I'll miss you… so much! You don't have to run… we can… we can figure it out… please don't run away this time…"

I look him in the eye and say

" This is not who you are… you're not that guy… you're not the guy who dumps his family for a girl… and I'm not gonna let you become that! Most important reason I fell in love with you is that you are so committed to your family and how much you love your kids and your wife! Don't ruin it… let me have that picture of you in my mind… please!"

He just watches me when I comb his tousled hair with my fingers…

" Don't miss out on your sessions with Jason… attend them all! And say hello to him for me!"

He nods…

" Come on, let's go inside! It's getting cold out here!"

I make the bed in the guest room and put up new pillow cases and change the sheets for him… I also give him a tooth brush and new towel for when he gets a shower in the morning…


	10. Chapter 10

It's been a long and tiring Wednesday… I had three appointments in the morning and five in the afternoon… and all of them were new patients… sometimes my job gets really exhausting and today was one of those times…

I am in the shower and suddenly there is a melody coming into my head… I wash the shampoo off my hair and run out of the shower wearing my bathrobe in the way to the piano… it's always like this… when I'm in the most impossible moments some really exquisite melodies come to my mind… I sit behind the piano all wet and dripping water from my hair and start playing it… this is even better in reality than it was in my mind… I'm about to finish the last piece when there's a knock and then the door opens…

" Hey... you home?"

It's James like always…

" Yeah… I'm here!"

He stares at me wide eyed and blinks a couple of times then he turns around… I roll my eyes at him…

" Sorry… is it a bad time?"

"No… I was in the shower and this melody came into my mind… you know how it is!"

" Yeah I do! I'll grab a drink while you're doing your thing…"

" Okay! But there's only apple and orange juice and water! So don't nag!"

" Okay then I'll go buy some beer until you get dressed!"

"Sure!"

And he leaves… I forgot to even ask him what his problem was… when I'm done I get up and go to my room… I wear my underwear and a red camisole and a pair of my khaki sweatpants… after towel drying my hair, I put on some lip gloss and some moisturizing cream on my hands and face… I go to the kitchen and I wonder what to make for dinner… while I'm going through my fridge to find something to cook… James comes back…

" I bought pizzas so you don't need to worry about dinner!"

"Oh thank God! You're the best!

Closing the fridge door I say…

" I had a very crappy day… and it's good to see a friend after all that!"

He puts the pizzas and beers on the kitchen counter… sits on one of the bar stools and says…

" What happened? Everything ok?"

I sit next to him and open one of the pizzas and take a slice and take a bite…

" Yeah everything is fine… I'm just tired… bone tired… I had a busy day… lots of patients… "

He opens a can of soda and puts it in front of me… then opens a beer for himself and takes a slice of the pizza and starts eating…

"Do you want a massage after we eat?"

I look at him all wide and big puppy dog eyes and say

"Will you massage me?"

He smiles at me and takes a lock of my hair and tucks it behind my ear and says…

"Yeah I'll do that!"

"Thank youuuu!"

I take a big bite of my pizza and he stares at me disapprovingly and says…

"Hey, easy! You're gonna choke on it… eating like this!"

" No I won't!"

I say with my mouth full! He frowns at me and says

" Don't talk with your mouth full! It's not lady like at all!"

I swallow with the help of soda and say…

" Lady like my ass! I've been acting lady like in all good situations and nothing ever happened! I want to act like whatever I want in my own house!"

" Okay, okay! Keep your hair on… do what you like I'm not gonna judge!"

" You wouldn't dare!"

He laughs hard and says…

" Yeah I wouldn't!"

He shakes his head but doesn't say anything else… I eat three slices and I'm done… can't eat more… but he eats all his and the remaining three of mine! He eats like a horse… which is a good thing… men must eat a lot… I like that! I smile at him and continue drinking my soda…

" I've bought two boxes of beers… you don't drink them so they will be for the times I come by!"

" You drink too much! You drank all of the beers I've bought last time in two days! I don't have any problem feeding you! But buying a drink that I don't even want in my house everyday is another thing! So new rule! You want a beer… bring one with yourself… cuz there's none here!"

" Okay! No problem with that!"

He smiles at me and says…

"Now you're ready for a really good Irish massage?"

" I never had a massage before I don't know the types!"

He laughs out loud and says

" It's obvious that you haven't had a massage before… come!"

He stands up and takes my hand and we go to the salon…

" Come... lie down on your front on this couch!"

I sit on the couch and when I want to lie down… the bell rings…

I look at James who has shot his eyebrows up and then frowns… I stand up and make my way to the door… I open it and see my dear old friend… He comes in and sweeps me into his arms and swirls me around... I give out a shriek and start giggling… he puts me down and speaks Korean…

" Hello beautiful! How have you been?"

He kisses my cheeks and still has his arms around me… I answer him in Korean...

" Hi Jason… I'm fine! How are you? What are you doing here?"

Jason sees James and freezes… he lets me go and speaks English...

" Didn't know you had company, Anna!"

Oh my God! He sounds disapproving… I smile and take his hand and walk towards James…

" You know James Dornan? We're friends… we were having dinner together!"

He rises his eyebrows and they shake hands… both of them evaluating each other… James is the first one to talk…

" Hi, I've heard about you… Anna told me she had a friend who taught her Korean! I suppose it was you!"

He says with a polite smile… Jason eyes me warily and says

" Yes that was me! We were in the same class in med school and we both went to the same hospital for our residency…"

" Sit down… I'm going to get some drinks… coffee?"

" Yes please…"

They both say at the same time…

"Okay then…"

I go to the kitchen and hear them talking… I am so happy to see Jason… it's been three years since his wedding and I hadn't got the chance to see him after that… I go back to them with three cups of coffee… I sit next to Jason... He is telling James the story of how we met…

" And I looked around there was this tall blond beautiful girl standing in the corner… I went up to her and when she looked at me I knew she was the girl that was arguing with me in class about one of the cases our teacher told us..."

I smile at the memory of that party and say…

" Yeah… I should have taken a photo of your face that moment!"

We both laugh… James smiles at me and says

" yeah I know how Anna can be when she thinks she's right!"

I rise an eyebrow and say

" I'm always right, even if I'm wrong… I am right!"

And we all laugh… I pick up my cup and take a sip…

" Hey, How are Mary and the kids? I miss them so much!"

Jason gives me a smile and says

" They're fine… Mary misses you so much! The girls can't wait to see their aunt Anna! In fact I came here to tell you that I'm moving here!"

" You're kidding!"

" No I'm not! One of my friends is opening a clinic here and offered me a job… I also had a job offer at one of the local hospitals here… so I decided to come here! This way we can spend more time together!"

I hug him hard and say

" Oh congratulations! I'm so happy for you… can't wait to see Mary and the girls…"

" So tell me how did you meet with the famous Jamie Dornan? It should be interesting!"

He gives me a tell-me-all-the-details-right-now look and rises his eyebrow… I look at James and say…

" I say or you say?"

He smiles and says…

" I say… So we're filming a TV series and there's this scene that I am in a shrink's office and we are talking… that morning they called and said they found the place to shoot the scene… So I go there and see everything's a chaos and nothing's ready… and they are saying that the person who was supposed to play the shrink role isn't coming… So I tell them to ask the owner of the office to play the role… they all think it's a good idea and the director himself goes to talk to her… and I see her… she's wearing a red coat with a white top underneath it with jeans and sneakers… Eric tells me she looks like anything but a shrink… and she has an all angry and get the hell out of my office kind of look on her face… but she agrees to play the role… we go for it and Bam! She's a natural… we got the shot at the first effort… she seems familiar but I can't remember where or when I've seen her… after the shot I went up to her and introduced myself to her… and she suddenly remembered me… I asked her to come to the bar with us and she has become a very good friend for all of us…"

Jason left after drinking his coffee and said he must head back to drop by at the hospital… it was so refreshing… seeing him like this… happy and healthy… I can't help smiling…

" Is he that guy?"

James asks leaning on the counter… I frown not understanding his question…

" What guy?"

" That guy you said that you liked… who is married and has two kids…"

He watches me expectantly… I smile at his curiosity and say…

" Why do you wanna know?"

He shrugs and says

" Because he seems to have feelings for you too!"

My eyes pop out and say

" Get out of here! No way! Jason and Mary are crazy in love with each other!"

He shakes his head and says…

" But he loves you, too! Anna it is possible to love more than one person at a time… And he seems to have got it bad!"

I narrow my eyes and say…

" How can you say?"

" The way he looks at you… it was obvious that he loves you… and he was jealous when he saw me here!"

I sit on a bar stool and say…

" Honey, I'm sure you're just imagining these things…"

" But what if I'm not?"

" doesn't matter anymore! Fact is… he's married to one of my best friends… and he's happy… and they have kids… So it doesn't matter that he has or doesn't have any kinds of feelings for me… if he wanted me… he had eight damn years to tell me so… but he either didn't want me or didn't have the courage to step up… which was for good because I won't go for cowards… so stop badgering…"

He looks at me shocked and says

" Dude! Get a grip!"

My tears fall off and shout…

" Screw you James! Now you made me cry!"

He comes near me and says

" I am going to hug you so don't bite!"

He hugs me and I cry even harder… what am I supposed to say? That the guy was you? You idiot moron who can't remember you kissed me ten years ago? That you're my first kiss and first love? … he doesn't say anything… he just holds me…

" So he's not the guy?"

I punch him hard in the stomach and he flinches… which makes me laugh… and he starts laughing too… the tension goes away…


	11. Chapter 11

I am reading one of my novels… "scary", as James would put it, novels… it's raining like crazy… I love rain… I put the book down and stare out of the window… just stare at the rain and clear my mind of all things… of any kind of feelings… a hurried knock on the door makes me jump… I get a very unsettling feeling and run to open the door… and I see the weirdest scene of my life…

James is standing at the door all wet and dripping… what is more weird is that he has Phoebe in his arms and Dulcie is standing by his feet… my eyes pop out and say

" What the hell! Come in! What happened? Why are you looking like hell?"

I kneel by Dulcie and say

" hey sweetie, did you miss me?"

" Hey Annie! I missed you so much!"

Oh God I love this girl… I hug and kiss her and go inside… fortunately Phoebe is asleep so I take her from him and put her on my bed and secure her with pillows… she has her thumb in her mouth… she looks adorable… Then I take Dulcie to my study… take out the stuffed bear I've bought for her and say

" You know, when I was in Vienna I saw a big bear doll and I remembered you said you liked bear dolls! So I got one for you!"

I give her the doll to distract her and she says

" Yay! Annie is the best!"

I smile at her and kiss her hard on her cheeks… she runs out to go play with her doll… I take some towels and go back to the salon… he is sitting on the couch with his head in his hands… I sit next to him and start drying his hair… he rises his head and I can see tears in his eyes… he doesn't say anything… he just watches me drying him… a cut on his arm gets my attention… it's bleeding!

I go to the bathroom and get the first aid kit and come back to him… I start cleaning his wound and flinches…

" stay still… you might need stitches… do you want to tell me what happened?"

" Leave it I'll go to a hospital!"

" and have all the paparazzis coming to hunt news like vultures? No I'm not gonna let you do that! Besides I've been to med school… I definitely know how to do some stitches!"

I expect him to tease me or say something but he remains quiet… he looks at Dulcie and shakes his head… I see tears running down his cheeks... I clean his cut and check nothing's in it… I don't have anesthetics… just lidocaine spray… I take out some gauze and roll them…

" Look I don't have anesthetics so it might hurt a little bit… here, bite this!"

He looks at me and I can see his pain… it's so heart aching that I have to look away… he gets the gauze and I get back to my work… I can see he screwed his face from pain... it's a clean cut and it needs about four or five stitches… I did this so many times in the hospital… I wasn't supposed to do but I did… now I appreciate that!

After wrapping the bondage around his arm and fixing it… I look at him and say

" well? I'm listening… whenever you're ready to talk!"

Dulcie is asleep on the couch hugging her new doll… I stand up and take the kit back to the bathroom and come back to take Dulcie to my bedroom… when I put her on my bed I realize patterns on her arms that are red and they're starting to bruise… Oh My God! They are hand patterns… I storm out of the bedroom and say

" I don't give a fuck about anything… I don't fucking care how mad you ever get with your wife… you never touch a kid! You hear me?"

" I didn't do that!"

" What do you mean? I saw her arms!"

" It wasn't me!"

He says dryly… I am in total shock! Amelia!

" What the hell happened?"

" Do you have a drink? Something strong!"

" I just have the red wine Andy got me!"

" That'll do! Can you get me some?"

" Yes!"

I go to the kitchen… take out the wine out of the fridge with two glasses and go back… Oh my God! This is so much worse than I thought! I put the bottle and glasses on the table… open the bottle and pour him a glass… he takes it with his good hand and drinks a gulp…

" I forgot that It was Millie's birthday today!… I got home all tired and I just wanted to go to bed… she picked up a fight about the fact that I don't love her and I don't care about her anymore! I tried to reason with her and instead of calling her Millie, I said Anna! She blanched and freaked out!"

He shakes his head and drinks some more…

" I'm an idiot… Oh my God! Was she screaming?! She broke all the plates and glasses… I tried to subdue her but she throw a plate at me and it broke on my arm! The kids were frightened and they started crying... Dulcie came to her and hug her feet… but she took her by her arms and said to leave her alone! I couldn't stay in that house any more minute… so I took the kids and came out… I was driving and the only place I could think about was here… your place! I couldn't take this to any other person! So I came here!"

I realize my whole body is shaking… Oh my God! She was having a nervous breakdown! He looks at me and says

" I messed up, Anna! Everybody messes up… makes mistakes… but they don't get cut on their arms and their kids don't get bruised arms!"

He takes the bottle drinks right from it…

"I'm sorry James!"

"What are you sorry for?"

He smirks… he's getting tipsy…

" Sorry that you're hurt… sorry that I am making you problems… sorry that your life is a mess! But you can do this! You will survive this…"

" Don't be sorry… and it's nothing to do with you! It's that she doesn't trust me! She thinks we're sleeping together!"

He sighs and drinks the whole bottle…

" Do you have some beer?"

He puts the empty bottle back on the table… I go to the kitchen and fetch a box of beer… I open the can and give it to him… I open one for my self and take a sip… I know he is getting drunk! But I have no intention of stopping him… he's so wrecked that I can't even imagine how hard could it be to feel like this… so I let him get drunk…

then he starts talking… about everything… mostly rambling… and after like half an hour he doesn't make any sense and falls asleep… I adjust the cushions on the couch and lie him down… I go and get some blankets and come back to him… I lay the blankets on him and sit on the floor in front of him… I love this man… and I hate that he is hurting like this… God knows I never ever want her marriage to break up! I, out of all people, want so much that his problems solve and he can get better…I sit there watching him for hours…

I wake up with a jolt… I take a look at the clock… it's seven… I fell asleep sitting on the floor and all my body parts hurt like hell… he's still asleep… I check out the kids and they're asleep too… I take a quick shower and get dressed… I have to go to store and get some clothes for kids and James and some baby formula and diapers… I take my wallet and go to store…

I come back half an hour later… fortunately they are all still asleep… I put the shopping bags on the kitchen counter and make my way into the kitchen… I boil some water and start making something for James's possible hang over… suddenly I hear Phoebe crying… I run to the bedroom… and I take her off the bed and smell her diapers… puff!

" Seems like we have a code brown! Time to change!"

I lay a towel on the floor and open her on that… she smiles at me and starts talking to herself… mostly saying "dada"… I take her to the bathroom and wash her bottom and legs in the sink… I was the only child but I used to babysit… so I know how to handle babies… washing her I notice some urine burns on her body… oh my God! This woman is neglectful! No matter how angry you are with your husband you don't neglect your own child…

I rub some baby oil on her legs and put a new diaper on her and change her clothes… she's sucking sound fully on her thumb… she's hungry…

I put her on the bed and go to the kitchen and make her some baby formula and fill the bottle with it… I check the temperature and we're good to go… I go back to the bedroom and take her in my arms… no matter how hard I try she doesn't take the bottle and she starts crying… which makes me start crying… suddenly I remember a trick… I take out my breast and put it in her mouth… she puts both hands on it and starts sucking on my raw nipple… my tears flood on my cheek… this feeling is wonderful… I really badly want a baby… slowly I take my nipple out of her mouth and replace it with the bottle… her eyes are closed so she doesn't understand the change and starts eating…

I know Dulcie will be up soon so I hug Phoebe and go to the kitchen to make breakfast… I make some fried eggs and bacons and boil some eggs for Dulcie too… toast some bread and pour milk into a bowl and some cereal in it…

I look at Phoebe in my arms and see she is drifting… her eyelids shut and she stops eating… I go to the salon and put her on the couch and make her secure with the cushions… and go back to the kitchen…

Dulcie comes to the kitchen rubbing her eyes… I smile at her and kneel in front of her… she eyes me sleepily and says

" Hi Annie, Goo monin!"

I laugh at her sleepy face and say

" Good morning sleeping beauty! Have you washed your face?"

She shakes her head…

"Uh-oh! Good girls wash their faces before coming out of bedroom… let's go!"

I take her in my arms and make my way to the bathroom… I put her down and take out her pants and panties… and put her on the toilet seat… she knows what to do obviously… I take out her blouse and give her a quick bath and dry her with a small towel and put new clothes on her… I always loved to have a daughter to dress her and make her hair… I make her hair into two high pigtails… she watches me patiently through the process… she is a good kid… looking at her arms makes acid churn in my stomach…

I take her hand and we go back to the kitchen… I put her on the counter and put the cereal in front of her… she starts eating and says

" I love you Annie! You are the best!"

I kiss her curls and say

" I love you more pretty girl… eat all your breakfast… and don't move because if you do you will fall down and hurt yourself okay?"

She nods and goes back to eating…

I take the glass of mixture I made for James and go to him and sit by his side… he's frowning… I put my hand on his face and stroke his cheek… he opens his eyes and watches me with wonder… I smile at him and wait until he gains his consciousness… he sits and takes his head with both hands… I give him the glass and say

" Here! Drink this in one shot … it will help with the hangover!"

He takes it and says

" I'm sorry Anna! And thank you… for everything!"

I roll my eyes and stand up!

" Cut the crap... Come! I made breakfast!"

I go back to the kitchen... Dulcie has finished her breakfast so I crack one of the boiled eggs, sprinkle a little salt on it and give it to her… she takes it with enthusiasm and starts nibbling on it… I smile at her… I love watching children eat… James comes into the kitchen…

" Daddy! Goo monin!"

He smiles and kisses Dulcie's hair… he takes out a chair and says

" Thanks Anna! You fed the kids, too?"

I put a plate of fried eggs and bacon and some toast breads in front of him and say

" Of course I did! They're more important than you!"

He laughs and says

" of course they are! Thanks again!"

"Oh Come on! Just eat your breakfast!"

He laughs and says

" okay! Can I take a shower after this?"

"Yes but don't wet your arm! I picked out some clothes for you… These ones are blood stained… you can wear them when you come out!"

He looks at me with thankful eyes and opens his mouth…

" If you say thank you one more time I'm gonna shove this plate through your throat so keep it!"

He laughs and says

" Okay, okay! Don't kill me!"

"Annie more!"

I look at Dulcie's pretty face and see she's finished her first egg… I wipe her face from crumbs and crack another one and give it to her… and one for myself… I hear suckling on the bottle and know that Phoebe is up… I go and pick her up from the couch…

" Hello beautiful! You're hungry?"

She beams at me showing her little teeth… I can't help kissing hard on her chubby cheeks… I go back to the kitchen and say

" Hello daddy, I am up and I'm eating the baby formula aunt Annie made for me!"

He looks at me puzzled! His mouth drops open and says

" How did you do this? She hates drinking from bottle and baby formula!"

She beams at him and throws her arms at him… wanting him to take her… he takes her and kisses her head…

" I tricked her! I gave her my breast and slowly changed it with the bottle! She liked it and started drinking it!"

He smiles at her little face and kisses her… he has finished his breakfast and stands up and says

" I'm gonna take a shower!"

I take Phoebe from him and say

" be careful! Don't touch or let it get wet! There is clean towel in the drawer… and I've put the clothes in my room…"

He kisses my forehead and says

" Thanks!"

And goes to the bedroom… I watch him and sigh… I help Dulcie come down from the counter and she runs to play with her doll… I sit behind the piano and start playing one of the jingle songs for them… Dulcie starts dancing and Phoebe claps her chubby little hands together… I love these kids… I love them so much… I will do anything for them…


	12. Chapter 12

I received a call today… it was from the housing market which informed me that some guy is willing to buy my house and its contents for a very great deal… it was strange but it was a very good deal… so I said they have my consent to sign the deal… I hope he will have a good time in there who ever he is…

So it's been two and half months since I came back to Arizona… I've been trying to get my own place but my dad simply made it clear that the only way I'm going to get my own place is -heaven forbid- over his dead body… he said he will make time for his girlfriend and they will hang out more at her place… but he won't sleep over… because I still have nightmares… and I won't allow myself to watch James's interviews… so I'm kind of screwed… dad says that I should take anti anxiety meds but they are addictive and I don't want to depend on meds…

I started working at one of the local hospitals as an attending… my dad works there too sometimes… I make myself busy in order not to think… I work lots of hours and I kind of like working here… I made some friends and they're good… I made friends with most of the surgeons too… they all page me for psych consults… I hated it that some people paid me extra attention because of my father… but now they respect me because of myself… they know how good of a doctor I am… I work from Monday to Friday… I go out on dates with my father on Saturdays… sometimes he sets me up with his friends' sons or something like that… they are all nice and good looking and fun… but it just doesn't do it for me… On Sundays I go to the church… I put on a black pant suit with a white linen shirt and a scarf… I go there and cry… it's the only time I let myself think about him… I don't go there to pray… I just sit there and watch people come and pray and some people sing gospel… I just cry and nag to God… for doing this to me… sometimes I fight with him and call him names… and then I apologize… and I cry… I see father Patrick every time… he stands over there and watches me from a far… and every time when I'm cried out I go and sit behind the piano and play Bach's Oboe Concerto… and when I'm done it's usually around one o'clock and I go to my mother's house to spend time with her and Jack…

Things are going on fast… like every thing's on fast forward… I have bought a black two doors BMW X3 for myself… I had a silver Volvo XC90 back in Seattle but I had to sell it and I didn't have the time to find that here so I had to settle for a BMW… she's a good car actually… she doesn't let me down…

It's a busy Monday at the hospital… I didn't have time to get a lunch and I overslept in the morning so I couldn't eat breakfast… I only had a doughnut and coffee in the car… my patients have all gone crazy because some new nurse thought it was better if they didn't take their meds on time… I am going to kill someone today…

I get a page from surgery…surgery's on fifth floor and psych's on seventh so I take the stairs to get there in time… because the elevator is always so busy and it's only two floors… when I arrive there I see everyone is hovering in front of one of the rooms… which is the room I have to get in for a consult…

"Excuse me… can you let me in, please? I have a patient here!"

Some of them glare at me but I don't care… I make my way to the room and see there's a tall fine looking man lying on a bed and he's looking at me… I give him a polite smile and pick up his charts…

" Hi, my name is Dr Pritchett… I'm here for a Psych consult… I can see in your chart that your name is Jim Conner and you had trauma to your chest and abdomen and your arms… which our surgeons have taken good care of… so how are you feeling?"

He looks at me dubiously and says…

" You have no idea who I am, Do you?"

My eyebrows shoot up and I say…

" Why would I? Are you famous here? One of the staff?"

He gives out a loud laughter and says…

" Wow! It's been ten years since I met someone who didn't know me… it's kind of refreshing…"

I feel dumb founded… but I smile at him patiently and say…

" I've recently moved here from Seattle so I'm not familiar with all the people here!"

He gives me a crooked smile and says…

" You seem to be a fine woman Doc! So I'm not gonna give you a hard time… I'm Phoenix's most popular quarterback…"

Quarterback? What the hell is that?!

I keep smiling and say…

" I'm sorry but you kind of have me at a disadvantage! What is a quarterback?"

He stares at me wide eyed for several seconds… I raise my eyebrows and say…

" Mr. Conner… you're alright?"

He looks around and says…

" Is this a joke? Is this hidden camera or something? You're either messing with me or you don't own a damn TV!"

Okay he's mad! I smile at him and say…

" I don't watch TVs and I'm not messing with you… can you enlighten me please, Jim?"

He shakes his head in disbelief and says…

" I'm a football player… a very popular one! I'm utterly shocked now Doc! I can't even know how I'm feeling…"

I take second look at his chart and frown… if he's a football player, with the surgery he had, his career is going to end… now I get the message… I sit by his bed and say…

" So it seems I don't know anything about football… can you talk to me about it?!"

He nods enthusiastically and starts talking to me about football… the rules… how they play… he tells me about what a quarterback does and what is a wide receiver's job to do…

" You look hot, no ring! Single?"

I laugh at his inappropriate comment and say…

" I'm your doctor and you don't get to talk to me like that!"

He gives me an exaggerated wink and says…

" No body's gonna blame you for going out with me… I'm Jim Conner…"

I give him a sideways look and say…

" You seem okay to me… I'm gonna right that in your chart and I hope you have a nice time healing…"

"Oh Come on Doc! Don't be so uptight! I like you…"

I shake my head and sign his chart and say…

" I am a likable person… so you don't have to blame yourself for that…"

He starts laughing so hard that his injuries hurt..

" Have a good day, Jim!"

" Can I see you again?"

I smile and say…

" I'll come and visit you…"

And I go back to my own patient in psych ward…

Dad woke me up from my nightmare… and I can't go back to sleep… today is my off day so I don't have to go to work… so I go for a drink… I drink beer these days… I am beginning to kind of like it… I go to the kitchen and take out a beer from the fridge… but before I open it I get a page… 911 from Jim… it's four in the morning… what could have possibly happened…

I get ready immediately and drive to the hospital… I'm wearing sweatshirt and jeans and my sneakers… I practically run to his room and see he's waiting for me… I am panting and can't believe this… I check his chart and he's fine… he's smiling at me like a fool… I frown and say…

" you paged me?"

"Come here… sit on my bed until you catch your breath…"

I don't want to but I listen to him… I am mad… so mad that if I talk I will say not nice things… he takes my hand and starts playing with my fingers… These last two weeks I've been visiting him sometimes… and he talks to me…

" you said you would come to see me yesterday… I've been waiting for you all day… there were all these people coming for taking selfies and asking for autographs and I had to put on a fake smile and talk to them… but you didn't come…"

He closes his eyes and lays his head on the pillow and lets go of my hand… then opens them and stares at the ceiling…

" you are the only person that I don't need to pretend I am happy when I am with you… not that seeing you doesn't make me happy… but I mean I have to be a legend for them… those who know me as Jim Conner the best Quarterback Phoenix ever had… but you don't know me so I can be myself when you're around… All day I was looking at this door… this damn door but you didn't come…"

He looks at me and says

" I am sorry for paging you at this hour… but I was up and I wanted to talk and you're the only person I can talk to…"

I give him a small smile and say…

" Don't worry I was up too… I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep… I'm here… so talk!"

He takes my hand again and starts playing with my fingers again…

" I'm scared… I don't know what to do… my career is ending and I do not have a faintest idea of what to do… they told me today that with the surgery in my shoulders there's no way I can throw a ball again… Do you understand what that means? … it means the only thing that I know how to do … I can't do anymore…"

I don't say anything I just let him talk… he bends my pinkie finger and twists it… it doesn't hurt but it feels kind of funny… the way he looks at my fingers gives me the idea that maybe he used to be like this with his mother… I smile at him and listen patiently…

" My buddies… they are all supportive and they are all "Don't worry we're here for you!" and I can shut them down… they're my buddies… but I am scared to death… that I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life…"

" why don't you go in for coaching? I've watched some of your games and you're very good at what you do … your techniques are kind of unique… so coaching must be a good option… Don't you think?"

He shakes his head and says…

" I can't coach! A coach must have patience but I don't … if they don't understand what I'm telling them to do, I get mad… like really mad… and I can't be like that..."

"What about business? You have made lots of money these years… you can go into a good business… and you can go to fundraisings for charities and things like that… you can make yourself useful in lots of things… don't worry about it! … I get the impression that it's not what you're gonna do afterwards that makes you sad… it's ending your career which scares you! And you have every right to be scared…"

He gapes at me and blinks a couple of times and says…

" yeah you're right like always Doc… I'm scared… because without football I'm nobody… my whole life I was throwing balls and I can't do the one thing I'm good at… I'm thirty freaking one years old… I had at least five or six more years ahead of me… I hadn't planned to retire after playing ten years… that's what makes me mad like hell… like I want to kick every body's ass… I want to beat the living shit out of them and I am mad…"

He twists my fingers so hard that it hurts like hell… I try to take my hand out of his grip… he eyes me warily and says…

" What?"

"ouch! You're hurting me!"

He releases my hand and says…

" Oh sorry… I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!"

"it's okay! So you were saying…"

He takes a deep breath and says…

" That's it… it was that and the fact that I missed you today Doc…"

I smile at him and say…

" Well I'm here… if you want to talk or go for a walk or anything…"

He looks at the clock and says…

" Aren't you late for rounds?"

My eyebrows shoot up and I laugh at him…

"You really learnt so much being here, huh? I'm off today… I just came because you paged… and I have a date with my mom later today… so if you don't want to talk anymore… I really want to go home and get some sleep…"

He gives me a wicked grin and says…

" You can sleep here, you know… with me in my bed!"

I laugh and say…

" This, what you are doing now… this flirting is never gonna work on me! You sure are cute and handsome… but you're not my type and I'm definitely not your type… so keep it!"

He laughs so hard that his body hurts…

"God… you sure have a smart mouth Doc, don't you? Go home doctor… get some beauty sleep and then get ready for your date with your mom!"

I smile at him and say…

" Call your friends and ask them to drop by if you felt lonely or anything…"

I stand up and go visit my patients now that I'm here… my dad calls me…

" hey dad!"

"Hey honey, where are you?"

" I got a page from one of my patients, I had to come to the hospital…"

"Are you okay? I went to check on you and you weren't there… and I couldn't find you anywhere… I was worried…"

I close my eyes in pain… he really worries about me so much...

"Don't worry dad… I'm fine… I came to visit my patients now that I'm here… I'll come home in thirty minutes… I'm having lunch with mom today…"

" Yeah I know… I'm going out with Lucy so call me if you needed anything…"

" Okay dad… have fun… say hello to her for me!"

"Will do… take care sweetie!"

"Will do… bye!"


	13. Chapter 13

I'm sitting on my mom's house porch with her and her new boyfriend… Jack! Who is a really nice and good looking guy and I think he's in his mid forties… younger than mom… he's an ex-military and now he's running his own company… and he's tall and handsome… and he seems to care about my mom so much…

" and we went there to see this guy… and we were all like dude, seriously? And he really did it… he totally won a wrestling contest with a bear!"

my eyebrows shot up and I laugh but this is really hard to believe… but one look at mom's happy face and it all doesn't matter… she's happy… that's what matters…

It's half past ten when I say I'm going to leave…

"I'll take you home Anna!"

Jack stands up and grabs his keys…

"No really… it's fine… I'll prefer to walk!"

"No way Honey! Either Jack takes you home or I'll call your dad to come and pick you up!"

Uh-Oh! Mom sounds serious… I don't want my dad to come and pick me up like I'm twelve… so I prefer to go with Jack… he goes out to take out the car from garage… I kiss my mom and say…

"Thanks for having me over for dinner mom! Jack seems like a nice guy… and you look so happy… I'm so happy to see you happy like this… I hope things go out well this time!"

She hugs me hard and says…

" Oh honey! I hope so, too… I knew you would like him… I hope I get to see you soon… if you plan to come live here, you'll tell me right?!"

"I have to think things through… but of course, Yes I'll tell you!"

We arrive at home… both me and Jack have been quiet all the time of drive…

"Thanks… for dinner… for the ride… and for making my mom happy…"

I look him in the eye and say…

" I don't know you… but I know you're a good person… so don't disappoint me… my mom… she's been through so much… and I don't want her hurt… she seems to care about you so much… so please be worthy of her care!"

He gives me a dashing smile and says

"Never knew I'd been getting lectures from my girlfriend's daughter… you are all she talks about… she loves you so much and worries about you all the time! She was worried you wouldn't like me and she told me if you didn't approve of me she would break up with me… even though you practically live across the country… So you don't need to worry… I will take care of her!"

I smile at him and say…

"Okay… Goodnight Jack!"

"Goodnight Anna!"

I go inside and see Lucy is sitting on the couch and leaning in my dad's arms… and they're kissing each other! I turn around and clear my throat…

"Guys… I'll go to my room and I will put my headsets on… sorry to ruin your privacy…"

I run to my room and I bump into some things on my way… my dad comes after me and he doesn't say anything… he just comes in to my room with me… I feel so ashamed that I can't even look at him… I walk around my room… take out my suitcase and start packing my things… my hands are shaking… So is my voice…

"I'm sorry dad! I came here to be here for a couple of days but it's been two weeks and I know I invaded your privacy and all… and I'm sorry! I'm going to Seattle tomorrow… to give up my practice there and put my house on the market and I will come back here… and I'm gonna get my own place… I'm a grown woman… I've been living alone six years so I won't be a burden on your shoulders anymore… and mom is happy… and you deserve to be happy… I'm sorry…"

He puts his arms around me and pulls me into a big hug and strokes my hair… I realize I'm panting… and tears start to wash off my face and I really don't know why I am crying… I just know that I can't stop it…

After fifteen minutes or so I'm all cried out and my breathing is under control and I'm not shaking anymore… he loosens his arms and puts his hand under my chin… I still can't look him in the eye…

"Hey, Look at me! It's me, I'm your daddy… I'm the same person… look at me!"

I try hard and look him in the eye and see his fear… I clench my jaw and look at him right in his eyes… he is my dad… but sometimes I forget that he's a man… and he has needs… and he has a cute thirty six year old girlfriend… who doesn't like me because I came in without any notice and took their privacy away from them…

"I'm sorry dad… that's all I've got to tell…"

He eyes me speculatively and says…

" you're serious about this whole give Seattle up thing? I thought you just were thinking about it!"

"No… I'm serious… he has to be able to work out his marriage and he's gonna do it on his own… me being there… with the way we feel about each other… will make everything worse! So yes! I am serious… I'm not taking any chances!"

"Okay honey! Book your flight… I'll take you to the airport tomorrow!"


	14. Chapter 14

All these past three months since I came back, I have had fun doing lots of things with my mom and dad… we went on a picnic together… like we used to when I was little… we spend the Christmas together… all of us… Dad and Lucy and mom and Jack and me… we went for skiing and it was so fun… mom's new year's resolution is to take me shopping…

I've been shopping for clothes with my mom for about five hours… she strongly believes that I need more evening dresses… she's having a bunch of parties in lined and she wants to take me with her… this is her idea of taking my mind of James and meet someone new… her most worry is that I still haven't slept with anyone… I swear she would make me drunk and bed me with the next guy she thinks as a candidate… I think she and my dad made a packed that they will continue this until they find me someone… I just obey them… it's kind of fun… and sad… but I get all the fun and put away the sad part… I never was an actual girl… never let my mom buy me a dress or take me shopping… I was a nerd and I was always studying… so she had to pick out my clothes on her own… now it's time I make it up to her… I let her drag me from this boutique to another and put on all of the dresses she asks me to and pose for her to get her idea… I kind of enjoy myself doing this…

Now we're at one of the local bars and having drinks… she's drinking her Gin while I sip my beer… I still can't drink anything stronger than wine…

"Hey honey, tell me about your work… haven't you meet anyone there?"

I give her an ear to ear smile and say…

" Actually there's this patient of mine who's a quarterback… he's in surgery ward and I visit him often… he's always trying to make me uncomfortable with blurting sexy comments… but he doesn't know they won't work on me! He's a good guy actually!"

Her eyebrows shoot up and she says…

" A quarterback? What's his name?"

"Jim Conner! I didn't know what a quarterback is so he had to explain to me all of the things about football! Mom what is it? Are you choking?"

I stand hastily on my feet and try to help her breathe… suddenly she takes in a deep breath and says…

" I'm fine… it's okay… you say _the_ Jim Conner is in your hospital and he's your patient and he's making a pass at you? Really?"

She's staring at me in bewilderment… It takes me by surprise… she knows the guy…

" yeah he's my patient… but he's just messing around and tries to make me laugh… he's not making a pass at me… he's a total idiot… he paged me 911 four a.m. this morning and I rushed into the hospital… and guess what he wanted to talk… I have been up since then!"

I haven't told my mom about my nightmares… that's one of the reasons I didn't accept to go live with her… and every time she asks me to sleep over I make an excuse and go back to my dad's … she took all these things very smoothly and I thought she would hate me when she understood I fell in love with a married man… after all she's been through and she brought me up better than that…

"Honey, let's go home and you have to tell me everything…"

We pay and go home… I barely drank half a bottle of beer so I'm okay for driving… I can't say so about my mom though…

Jack is not in town so I stay longer with my mom…

"Mom, how are things with Jack? Are you two getting along?"

She beams at me like a young girl… Uh-oh I'm not so sure I want to hear this…

"Oh Anna, he's so dreamy… he's cute and fun and handsome and sexy all at the same time… he's like… well your father used to be like this for me… I mean before we fell apart… and since then… no one was like that…"

She sound so wistful… I put an arm around her shoulders and say…

" You really loved him… and he you… what happened mom? How did you fall apart?"

She sighs and says…

"I don't know… we got married way too fast… and we had financial problems… my parents didn't approve of our marriage… so did his parents… they cut all our supports and we were both college students… we had nothing but love… my parents came around after a year or so… they helped us get our own place so we could come out of that basement we lived in… your dad… he wanted to go to med school… and it was so expensive… so he had to work hard… it wasn't until I found I was pregnant that his parents came on board… but unfortunately I had a miscarriage through my nineteen weeks… and it was horrible… our parents supported us financially so he wouldn't have to work that hard and pay more attention to me… things were fine… we were getting a long and we were in love… but it wasn't enough for me… I desperately wanted a baby… I was a nurse and I saw women hugging their babies and breast feeding them and it killed me… we were trying to get pregnant for years and there weren't any conclusions... I became sour and angry… I quit my job and I always found something to pick up a fight with Jeff… I had started smoking privately… it was the only thing that gave me a little comfort… Jeff found out and he didn't say anything… despite our misery we still made love every night… and he held me through the night in our sleep… but that night he didn't hold me… he just fell asleep and didn't hug me… it angered me the most… I figured he would kill me if he found out about my secret smoking habit… but he didn't say a word… it occurred to me that maybe he didn't care enough to pick up a fight about it so I did pick up a fight… I made our life a living hell… and that night… he said only on thing… that he's tired of all this shit and he wants to go for a drink… he asked me to give him a break… and after that night every thing changed… he wasn't the man he was before… I could say something is eating at him but I didn't know what… then after a month or two… he told me that, that night he had a one night stand and the girl she was with is pregnant… it was like God was giving me the finger… oh God knows what I went through after that… I signed the divorce papers soon after that… I hated him… at least I thought I hated him… but he was right… I was making him miserable… I never saw him cry only the day he signed our divorce papers… he said he was sorry a thousand times… but I couldn't even look at him… I wasn't myself for a couple of months… and I heard that Bella didn't want to stay in the states and she was going back to Paris as soon as she gave birth to the baby… and then I figured it out… I could have a baby after all… I asked to see him and told him about my plan… I said I didn't want to get back together with him… I only wanted him to share you with me… and he was the bigger person like always… and agreed with me…"

I wipe out her tears with my finger tips… and she wipes mine…

"The way you talk about him… it feels like you still love him…"

She gives me a kind smile and says…

"Oh honey, of course I still love him… so much… bet he still loves me too… I could easily go back to him after you were born… but it was a cruel thing to do… after all the hell I put him through… I couldn't have him back… I wasn't worthy of that... I don't blame him for cheating on me… I would have cheated on me too… he did me a great deal by letting me be your mom…"

My phone rings… I take a look at the clock it's half past ten…

"Hey dad!"

"Honey, are you okay? Aren't you coming home?"

I stand up and go stand by the window… I don't want mom to hear my conversation with Dad…

"Well, Jack is out of town so I decided to stay with mom tonight…"

I hear him gasp… God he worries about me so much and I hate that I am such a burden for him…

"You told her about your nightmares? How did she react?"

I take in a deep breath and say…

"No Dad … I didn't tell her… I'm gonna take some pills… I will be fine… no need to worry! And please ask Lucy to come over since you have the house to yourselves… maybe this way she hates me a little less…"

"Oh sweetheart, she doesn't hate you at all! Why do you say that?"

"Because I would hate me if I was her! Any way… ask her to come over please…"

"But promise me to call if you had any problems, okay?"

"Okay, Goodnight Daddy!"

"Goodnight honey, sleep well!"

I go get my purse in the kitchen and find some of the meds dad prescribed for me and I refused to take them… I take two of them with a glass of water…

I wake up with a jolt… I glance at the clock on the table beside the bed… it's three forty five in the morning… it takes me a minute to process where I am… I am in my mom's king size bed and she's lying sleep beside me… I wasn't having a nightmare… it's weird … I feel calm… I drink a glass of water from the jog on the table… and snuggle into my mom's arms … she hugs me and kisses my hair… it's so good to be with her like this… like I'm ten years old again… and she would crawl into my bed when I was having bad dreams…

When I wake up it's eight in the morning and mom is not in the bed or the room… I hear her humming along with the song playing on her mp3 player... it's Sunday so I have to get up and go home to get ready for church… I feel so much heavy… like there's a thousand pound weight on my heart… and I can't think of a reason… maybe because of my mom's disclosure of her marriage and her problems with my dad…

I get up and make my way to the bathroom… after washing my face and teeth, I come out and get my things from the floor… I go to the kitchen and kiss my mom… I drink the orange juice she put for me and say…

"Mom I'm late… I have to go home and get ready for the church…"

She looks at me with a feeling that I don't understand… kisses me on my cheeks and says…

" Okay honey! Say hello to Jeff for me!"

I kiss on top of her head and hug her…

"Will do…"

It's nine o'clock when I arrive at church… my spot is empty like always… I sit there and take out my phone to put it on silent… I glance at the date and suddenly I find the reason of the weight I feel on my chest… it's May 1st… it's James's birthday today…

Tears start to fall down and before any time I'm sobbing and can't breathe… it was only a year ago that we arranged him a surprise party with the guys… Eric managed to take him to the party… that was the first time I saw Amelia and his kids… she was nice to me at first but then later that night the way she looked at me changed…

I cry so hard that it's made it hard for me to breathe… someone pulls me into a big hug… I squint through my puffy eyes and see it's father Patrick… he hugs me hard and says…

"Hush… everything's gonna be fine… you're gonna be fine, Kid!"

I weep in his arms and don't say anything…

After half an hour that I can catch my breath… he continues to pat my back… I take a deep breath and say…

"Thanks, Uncle Pat! I'm fine… thank you!"

He gives me an eye crinkling smile… he's been here since I was a kid… I used to come here to sing Gospel… he pats my hair and says…

"I see you every Sunday… you come and sit here and cry… every Sunday… what is with you? I heard from your father that you have become a fine doctor and you were in Seattle… so why are you here? And why are you so heart broken?"

I shake my head and drop it…

"I fell in love with the wrong man, father! I screwed up!"

He puts his arm around me and says…

"Call me uncle Pat! Talk to me if you want Anna! I know you since you were a baby… I baptized you for heaven's sake... so tell me what made our little girl this much sad? It kills me to watch you from a far but I gave you space for quite a time… but it's time you start to talk, Kid!"

I give him a teary look and say…

"I screwed up… as I said… I fell in love with a married man with kids… I didn't intend to but it happened… we were friends… good friends actually… but I don't know when… but somehow I found myself longing for him… and he had feelings for me… but I couldn't let him make any mistakes… so I told him off and sent him back to his wife… and I came here to live with my dad… and gave him space…"

I put my head in my hands and say…

"I don't want to be a home wrecker… I didn't want to break up their marriage… and now I'm having a very hard time dealing with my feelings… I made myself busy working in the hospital… and going out with my dad and my mom and they set me up with very good guys… and they are all wonderful… and you know what?... I look at these guys and I don't see their faces… the only face I see is his… I see him smiling at me… and I end up being friends with them… really good friends actually… I made lots of friends here… but I miss them… all of them… I miss the guys… I miss my assistant… I miss Jason… who is really pissed at me and doesn't talk to me… only his wife who's happened to be one of my best friends talks to me… he moved all across the country so that we could be a team again… be a family… but I flew here… you know I talk to them… I talk to Andy, Eric, Daniel and Jackson... they call… I call… we talk about everything, everything in this universe except for him… they know that something happened… but they don't know what exactly happened… and they're smart enough to keep their mouth shut about it… I miss them so much!"

I run my fingers through my hair and start sobbing again…

"And it's his birthday today! I ordered his gift since eight months ago and I tried to cancel it but they said it won't be canceled… so they would send it to my old house… and the guy who bought my house will shoot it into the trash immediately…"

"So you're crying because your gift will go into trash? Or that you don't get to be with him on his birthday?"

I look at him incredulously… is he trying to be funny? … watching his smile I can say he's trying to be funny!

"I hate him, you know? I hate him for putting me in this position!"

I growl between my teeth… he stares at me and says…

"I thought you said you loved him…"

I roll my eyes and say…

" I love James, right! But I hate him!"

I point my finger to the sky to make my self clear… and he blanches but keeps his calm and says…

"Why do you hate him?"

I swallow hard and say…

"Because he could've helped me… and don't let me fall for James… and instead of being here weeping about how much I miss the man I love, I could be at my house right now and have a cup of coffee and talking to him about what he's going to do now that he's a year older…"

I throw a punch at the bench in front of me and after some seconds I look at the sky and say…

"Sorry, I'm a bit cranky and it's your own fault… so you have to get a long with me acting like a bitch to you!"

Father pats my back and says…

"Don't worry, Kid! He'll understand the way you feel… bet he's sorry too and he wants to hug you himself… but he can't so I'm gonna do it instead of him!"

Then he hugs me… I feel a lot better now that I talked to him… I leave around three in the afternoon… I had lunch with Uncle Pat… so I'm heading back home…


	15. Chapter 15

It's been a quiet day at the hospital patients didn't make any disasters and I didn't have so many consults and now I'm resting in the attending's lounge… Jim has been discharged three weeks ago and he made me promise to go for his last game… he's a jock but I like him… he's fun and easy to deal with… and his buddies are nice guys too… they're big dumb jocks… some people I never had any relationship with… they're so fun to be around… there's one thing I don't like though… it's for them calling me "Jim's girl"… I roll my eyes and smile… I miss them… they would come and make a big fuss about everything… I realize I'm chuckling thinking about the inappropriate comments they would make on how hot I look in my jeans or my plum button up shirt...

My phone starts ringing… it's a number I don't know…

" Hello?"

" Hey, Doc! How have you been? Miss me?"

A big silly grin split my face into two pieces …

" Hello big boy! I've been great… no I haven't missed you a bit! How are you? Everything okay?"

" Sure thing! I just called you to say that tomorrow is my last game… you promised you'd be there… and I really need you to be there… I will have my driver pick you up… so just tell me six will be with you?"

My eyebrows shoot up and I say…

" Well, I promised to be there and I'm famous for keeping my promises… I'll come but I don't need to be picked up… I'll drive there myself…"

" Oh C'mon, Anna! The guys are going to throw me a party at Cam's place… we will all go there and there's lots of booze and dancing and all the things… you will be drunk so stop with the driving nonsense…"

I giggle and say…

" Okay, but I won't be drunk because I won't be drinking booze or anything… but fine… I will be ready at six so have your driver collect me then!"

I can hear his grin and he says…

" There's my girl… I gotta go… bye!"

And he ends the call before I get the chance to tell him stop calling me his girl… well what to do! I have no idea what to wear to a football match… well maybe mom can help me with it…

It's five forty five and I'm all ready wearing a dark red halter neck cocktail dress… my mom insisted on wearing this and I feel like a complete idiot! I'm so tempted to go wear one of my jeans and a tank top or something… but my mom is watching me like a hawk and she won't leave until I'm in the car… my dad's reading one of the journals and pretends not to be interested in all this… but I bet he's every bit as excited as my mom is… she took me to the beauty salon and after a good spa and massage she made me wax all over my body… I've done it once before… when I first came here and dad brought me here… I have a what I believe it's called a feather braid or something like that on my hair… and I've been manicured and pedicured… and I'm also having French nails and my toe nails are having a bright red polish on them which are shown through my red strappy pumps with two inches heels… I regret the moment I called my mom… she made me into a sissy girl who I don't know or recognize…

" Sweetheart, try to have fun for one night… Don't think about anything… just enjoy yourself..."

Dad says and kisses my hair and goes back to reading his journal…

I hear a car pulling over from outside and know that the driver's here… I stand up and take my coat and purse and make my way to the door…

" Bye mom, dad!"

I go outside and my jaw drops at the scene in front of me… Holy Crap! He sent me a freaking limo! Oh my God… I have no idea what will come out of this… I just pray nothing bad comes out… the driver opens the door for me and says…

" Good evening, Dr. Pritchett!"

" Good evening!"

He gives me a small smile and closes the door after I sit on the backseat of the car… there's classical music playing in the car… it isn't something I heard before… but it's soothing and relaxing… after fifteen minutes or so we're at the stadium… he parks the car and comes and opens the door for me…

" I was told to escort you to the club seating…"

"Um… I was thinking… can I see Jim for a moment? Before I go and sit on my seat?"

He eyes me warily and says…

" I don't know if that's possible, Ma'am! The coach doesn't let any visitors go in before the game…"

I shake my head and say…

" But there's something I need to tell him… it's important… can you call someone or something?"

He narrows his eyes at me and weighs the options in his mind and finally says …

" here, let's go this way…"

I follow him through some halls and we arrive at a door which I believe is the players' lounge, which I don't know what they call it!... he knocks on the door and steps back… one of the Jocks I've never seen before opens the door and whistles…

"What can I do for you, sugar?"

I put on a polite smile on my face and say…

" Can I talk to Jim, please?"

He eyes me suspiciously and says…

" What is your business with that old man, pumpkin? I can deal with you better than he does!"

" I'm his friend! I decide to ignore your insult… so call him for me please!"

He laughs but calls him…

" Hey, Jimmy… there's an angel here looking for you… seems your time came after all!..."

The door opens completely and I see Jim coming to the door… he comes to me and stares at me in disbelief… he opens his mouth twice and then close it right back… I start laughing at his expression…

" Oh, Come on! You had girls all over you all your life… Don't act so impressed by me… this is not me! My mom made me into this… thing!"

Suddenly he closes the door behind him and comes out and pulls me into a big bear hug…well, he's so tall and even in heels I only reach to his ears… I can feel the tremble in his body and I know he's scared… I made a good choice by coming down here… I pat him several times in the back and don't try to come out of his hug… he finally releases me and steps back… I can see a ghost of tears in his eyes… I raise my hands to stroke his cheeks and say…

" Jim, I want you to remember this… tonight when you go out there… I want you to remember all the people you made happy all these years by winning those games… remember all the tears your fans shed… all the ups and downs you've been through… I want you to remember all of them when you go into that field… and cherish those memories… I want you to remember all of them and be happy to be the guy who these people love… and they are crying for you… because you're their hero and you're out… I want you to remember all that! Will you do that for me?"

He looks into my eyes… from one eye to the other… he nods and says...

" Yes! I'll do that!"

Then he takes a deep breath and says…

" Oh Anna! You look… wow! You are so pretty… thank you so much for coming… it means so much to me!"

I give him a kind smile and say...

" Sure! I will go settle down in my seat now…"

" Of course! Thanks again… I'll catch with you later after the game…"

"Okay!"

I go with his driver… after three or four steps he calls my name… I turn around and watch him quizzically…

" Thanks…"

I know why he's thanking me… I smile at him and blink once… he waves at me and goes back inside…

The stadium is full of people wearing blue and yellow jerseys… they're all shouting and I can see lots of people crying and calling Jim's name… he hasn't come in to the field yet… it's only twenty minutes or so left from the game when he comes in… he looks up at the club seating area, looking for me… not so sure he really sees me … but I'm kind of a flashlight, wearing red among all these people… I'm the only one wearing a dress to a football match… I shake my head to clear my head and wave my hand at him… he grins and waves back at me… people around me glare at me in shock… but I continue looking at him… I look around and see lots of people are drowned in their tears… watching them make tears spring to my eyes… he's still affected by his surgery… I watched his games and he was running like a flee in those matches… I can see that the opposing team is going easy on him … I can see he's having trouble breathing and moving… he's still in post-op… I wish I was down in the field, so I could tell him to stop… I press my sweaty palms on my knees and pray silently for him… he's pushing himself too much… after fifteen minutes he goes for his last touchdown… he can't take it anymore… I see him facing at each rows of seats and send out kisses for everyone… there's a loud noise of wailing going round the stadium… he hugs his teammates and comes out… I grab my coat and purse and come out immediately and go search for him…

I find him in his way to their lounge… he looks at me shocked and wipes his tears with embarrassment… other guys are stomping loudly and laughing coming through halls… he strides at me and takes my hand and takes me to a dark hall… he presses me to the wall and stands in front of me … he doesn't want me to encounter with the guys here… I don't know why…

When they're gone completely, he eases his stance and says…

"They get a bit groggy after the game… I don't want them to see you here like this…"

He looks at me with sad eyes and says…

"I know I've been running around and smell like shit but … can I hug you?"

My eyebrows shoot up and I nod… he pull me into a big hug… he doesn't smell bad… just body wash and perfume … he takes deep breaths and sniffs my hair… I wince when he breathes down my neck… it's a very sensitive part of my body… he takes a hint and lets go…

"Go outside… Stewart's waiting for us… you go there and wait for me in the car… I'll be out in five minutes…"

"Okay… I'll see you out…"

He gives me a reassuring smile and goes in their lounge… I go out and see his driver… he opens the door gingerly and says…

" I hope you had a good time, Ma'am…"

I give him a small smile and say…

"Yes, thank you Stewart!"

He flushes and smiles…

There's a big party going on in Cam's place… I'm standing in a corner watching people moving around the big villa… these players are really loaded… there are lots of well dressed girls here… some of them are the boys' girlfriends and some of them are their wives… there are some groupies too… which I only recently got to know the concept of… I take a sip of my white wine and a voice from behind startles me…

"He looks happy!"

I turn around and see a tall African American man wearing a white button up shirt and dark blue jeans… I look at him in wonder… I don't know who he is…

He gives me a lopsided grin and says…

"I'm Cam… Cameron Stevenson… we haven't met… but I heard from the guys about the doctor who has helped Jimmy go through his injuries and his early retirement… I've never seen him this happy before… we threw him this party to cheer him up but he wouldn't even come if it wasn't for you… he had lots of different girls around him… never once he took them to the social places…"

"It's because I'm not his girlfriend… we're friends… and I'm here to help him... I kind of know how it feels to be forced to leave whatever you worked for all your life and try to find a new path in life… so I'll be there for him… and I'll help him find a new way to build his life…"

"You see each other often?"

"No, actually it's the first time he's seen me outside the hospital… I used to pay him a visit now and then when he was hospitalized after his accident and he only talked to me… so as his doctor and his friend it's my job to help him through this hard time…"

He smiles for real this time… with kindness and awe…

"We can't thank you enough, Doctor!"

"There you are, Anna! I've been looking for you for quite a time now… are you playing hide and seek with me?"

Jim comes to stand beside me… he gives me a beautiful chin dimple showing smile and says…

"Come on, dance with me!"

He sounds a little bit tipsy but he looks fine… I take his hand and we go dancing… I can see other girls whispering… but I can't care less how they're thinking about me right now… I just try to enjoy myself… for tonight I forget about everything and enjoy the party with the coolest jocks I've ever met…

It's two in the morning that the car stops at my dad's house… I feel a little queasy… I had two glasses of champagne and one or two of white wine… and oh I had a glass of red wine with my dinner… it's the most amount of alcohol I've ever had and I feel a little dizzy… I don't know how I should feel so it's a little confusing… Jim gets out of the car and opens my door in a gentleman manner… I take his hand and give him an ear to ear grin and say…

"Aren't you the cutest?!"

He helps me out of the car and picks up my purse and walks me to the door… he stops at the porch and says...

"Thanks Anna… I couldn't have borne tonight if it wasn't for you… it meant a lot to me… I can't thank you enough for your support and your help…"

I frown, try to grasp what he means… I shake my head to fight with the dizziness and squint at him… he's pretty…

"You're pretty! I haven't noticed that!"

I tell him with a big silly grin… he shakes his head and says…

"Baby you're drunk! You didn't have anything strong… your capacity for alcohol isn't so much high, eh?"

I swallow and say…

"No I don't drink alcohol at all!"

He chuckles and shakes his head… I bite my lip and look at him… he's pretty… I know someone else who is pretty but I don't want to think about him now… I frown and look at Jim… his eyes sparkle with joy and says…

"Anna, right now I want to kiss you… but you're so drunk and I don't want to take advantage of you!"

My eyes flick to his lips… he has full lips… I want to kiss him too… I take a step towards him and put my right hand on his muscular chest… he takes in a sharp breath and looks at me with wild eyes… I lean up and put my lips on his… he sighs and opens his mouth and captures mine… he takes my head in his hands and runs his fingers through my hair… the little spikes on his chins burn my face and it rings a bell… suddenly I open my eyes and break our connection… I am panting like I've been running for so long… and I'm scared… I haven't kissed anyone since… I don't want to think about it… he watches me in order to gauge my mood… I put on a polite smile on my face and say…

"Thanks for tonight Jim… I had so much fun!"

He nods and says…

"So I'll call you tomorrow! In you go…"

I open the door and turn and wave at him… I close the door behind me and I sink into the floor by the door and tears stream down my face… after some seconds I'm sobbing… my dad comes and hugs me… he scoops me into his arms and takes me to my room and puts me on my bed…

"Honey, everything alright?"

"Yes. I. Am. Fine."

I manage to say between my sobs… he croons me in his arms and says…

"So why are you crying, baby?"

"Because I had fun tonight… for tonight I didn't think of him and I was actually happy… but now… he kissed me and it reminded me of James… it reminded me of our truth or dare game… I miss him… not romantically… I miss my friend James… not the man I fell in love with… well of course I miss him too… but I missed being around friends and tonight I was around friends…"

He kisses my forehead and says…

"Oh sweetheart, you sound like you're drunk… go to sleep now… we will talk tomorrow!"

I snuggle into his arms and say…

"Don't go! Stay with me… I'm so scared daddy…"

My voice cracks at the end… he changes his position into a more comfortable form and strokes my hair and says…

"Don't be scared baby… Daddy's here… I will take care of you… sleep sound…"

I slowly drift into a troubled dream… thinking about two kind eyes… eyes I haven't seen for months…


	16. Chapter 16

It's been a week since the party and I haven't been able to come out of bed… I'm sleeping all day and I stare at my room at nights… it has one advantage though… I don't have nightmares… I don't want to eat or talk… my dad brings me ramen noodles or some soup and easy meals for me and makes me eat… but I just don't want to… I don't know what my problem is… well I do but I can't help it… I'm depressed and I hate to be like this… but I don't know how to snap out of it… my mom comes and talks to me every day… I'm sleeping so I don't hear her… I just feel her body when she climbs in bed and hugs me in my sleep… my dad lays here with me and talks to me about the things going on around... he takes me to the bathroom whenever I need to pee… I hate to be like this but I can't help it…

It's five in the afternoon… I hear some voices from living room…

"She hasn't answered my calls or texts for a week, I went to the hospital and they said she hasn't been there either… I want to know if she's okay! Please let me see her!"

It's Jim… I don't know how should I feel about the fact that he's worried about me… I hear a knock and the door opens… I am facing the wall and away from the door… I hear him gasp and then after three minutes he takes a deep breath… one… two… three… four… five long strides and he's standing by my bed… I hear some noises… like he's taking off his shoes… the mattress descends under his weight and suddenly there are his arms around me… my whole body stiffens at his touch… he feels it but doesn't let go… instead he tightens his arms and says…

"Anna baby, I missed you… I thought you didn't want to see me anymore… I was worried about you…"

Oh God! Another voice comes into my mind _… "_ _I thought you didn't want to see me ever again… I was worried about you_ _"_

Oh Jim you always say the worst thing possible… my tears start falling into my pillow… and after a week I'm crying… my body starts trembling and I start sobbing until I can't even breathe…

"Hey baby, Don't cry… please! I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… please Anna!"

I turn to bury my face into his chest and cling into his T-shirt… he smoothly strokes my hair… and kisses the top of my head several times… after I don't know how many minutes I begin to catch my breath... I take in a shuddering breath and let go of his now crinkled and tear smeared T-shirt… I lay back and look at his face… his forehead is lined with worry… he's eyeing me like I'm going to fall apart every minute now… my throat is sore… I swallow and say…

"Hey!"

He smiles and strokes my cheek and says…

"Hey yourself! Feeling better now?"

I nod and touch my throat… it hurts… he gets what my problem is… he gets off the bed and after several long minutes he comes again… with a glass of warm milk and a banana… after putting them on the bedside table, he helps me sit on my bed and sits on the edge with his right leg bending under him… he gives me the glass of milk but my fingers are trembling and I can't keep it still… he helps me with it and I drink a gulp of it… it feels good but my stomach hurts like hell… he takes the glass and peels the banana and gives it to me…

"Here, eat this… helps with the awful pain in your belly…"

I eye him impassively and take a small bite of the banana… he's actually right… the burn and churning starts fading… I take three more bites and he hands me the milk again… I drink it completely and then start eating the banana again… I kind of forgot how good it felt to eat something… I take out my IV lines and look at Jim's face… he doesn't do or say anything… I take his hand and start playing with his fingers… there are some scars on his hand which he got from playing football for so many years… then I start talking and telling him about my friend who was my first crush and became my love and how when he kissed me a week ago it reminded me of the last time I kissed him and how much I missed my friend… he doesn't say or do anything… I forgot how good it felt to talk… he grasps my chin between his thumb and his forefinger and tips my head so I see his eyes… he gives me a reassuring smile and says…

"That's it? How can I help you with that? Do you want me to go and kick his ass?"

I chuckle and say…

"No I don't want you to do that…"

He takes a lock of my hair and tucks it behind my ear…

"I need to shower… are you leaving or staying?"

He brings my hand up and kisses my knuckles and says…

"I have to go now… but I will come see you again…"

"Okay!"

I'm making fettuccine and pasta alle vangole and lasagna for dinner and dancing to the music playing from the mp3 player… dad is helping me with it… we start to sing with Rhianna's Umbrella song… it's one of our favorites… mom's coming over tonight with Jack… I insisted dad invites Lucy and uncle Joey and Ethan and I asked Jim to join us… it's been six weeks since my catatonic phase and during this time Jim helped me so much... I'm supposed to be the shrink… but I don't know how come he's helping me… we go out fishing and clubbing and hiking… most of the time dad comes with us too… it's fun and we laugh all the time… he knows nothing can happen between us and he's been so considerate … he's a very good friend…

Today is fourth of July… it's the independence day and also my dad's birthday… he's turning fifty six today and I made him a red velvet cake for his birthday… it's going to be fun tonight…

Lucy's came since noon and is helping with salads... It's six when mom and Jack come… Uncle Joey and Ethan arrive shortly after that… Jim is the last one to arrive… I open the door and see his ear to ear grin…

"Hey beautiful! How've you been?"

He hand me a bunch of blue roses which happen to be my favorite flowers and comes in… he's wearing a white T-shirt with a black leather jacket and navy blue jeans...

"I'm fine, handsome… how's our business man?"

He rolls his eyes and says…

"Same old, same old… where is the birthday boy?"

"I'm here… welcome Jim!"

They hug and pat each others back… they grew a strong bond through our outings… it's the first time mom meets him and she's so excited… they go to the living room and they all are excited to see Jim… I roll my eyes and go fetch a vase for the flowers… Lucy smiles at me and says…

"Oh boy! You've got to be kidding me! Jim Conner's your boyfriend?! He's so hot!"

I laugh and put the flowers in the vase after filling it with water…

"He's not my boyfriend! We're just friends… good friends… he helps me… I help him…"

She eyes me warily and says…

"How can you be just friends with Jim Conner? I mean I love Jeff and all but I have a hard time not to jump him right now!"

I laugh out loud and say…

"I believe mom's feeling the same way, too! But no… I don't feel it…"

She looks at me incredulously and says…

"Honey, are you gay? Have you ever had feeling for a girl? I don't mean any hard feelings or so… but it's cool if you are!"

I stare at her in bewilderment and say…

"No, of course not… why would you say that?"

She raises her brows and says…

"Because you're either blind or gay to be immune to Jim's charms…"

I roll my eyes and say…

"Well I'm neither blind nor gay… I like him as a friend… and he's attractive I get it… but I don't feel anything about him… I just don't see him as a man!"

"So you must be in love with someone else then…"

She implies... I never talk to her about my personal life… I don't know her much… so I just shrug and don't say anything… I go into the living room and see Ethan and mom are all over Jim… he looks at me with a kind smile and I shake my head… I go sit next to him and everybody starts asking how we met… Jim starts to tell them with enthusiasm about the first time I went to visit him and I didn't know him and how he was shocked…

It's after midnight when mom and Jack decide to leave… Uncle Joey and Ethan want to go too… I know Lucy wants to be with my dad tonight so I decided to stay out for tonight...

"Can you take me out for tonight? I want to give my dad and Lucy some privacy…"

Jim gives me a lopsided grin and says…

"Of course! Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know… anywhere…"

His eyes sparkle with something and says…

"I know! Come let's pick a few things up for you…"

We go into my bedroom… he opens my closet and takes out a warm jacket and some shawls and a woolen hat… my brows furrow and eye him suspiciously… where is he taking me?

I'm wearing a white sleeveless shirt with jeans… he throws a knit sweatshirt at me and says…

"Here, put this on… it's gonna be cold out there…"

I put it on and watch him gather the clothes he picked out for me… he takes my hand and we go outside… my dad watches us with rising brows and says…

"Where are you two going?"

"I'm taking Anna somewhere she really wants to go… we won't be back until tomorrow… is that okay with you Jeff?"

Dad looks at me warily and says

"You want to go tonight?"

I go and hug him tight… he kisses my hair and says…

"Thank you for a wonderful birthday, sweetie! You don't have to do this!"

I look up at his warm kind brown eyes and say…

"Happy birthday dad… I wish you had a good time tonight… I wanted to show my appreciation for all this time you taking care of me… I hope you enjoy the rest of your night too…"

He flushes and kisses my forehead…

"I'm your dad honey… it's my job to take care of you…"

I take a step back and say…

"I love you dad… I'm going out with Jim so don't worry…"

I lean up and kiss his cheek and go out with Jim…

"hey wake up! We're here…"

I open my eyes and see we're at the beach… I look at him wide eyed and say…

"you took me to the beach? At this hour?"

He gives me his crooked smile and says…

"come on! Hop out… it's so cool…"

And he gets out the car… I come out and watch him spread a blanket on the sand… I put on my jacket cuz it's kind of cold here… and I put on the hat and a shawl around my neck and take the other one for Jim… he grins at me and waves his hand…

"Come lie down here…"

I don't know where he's going with this but I do as I'm bid… it's so dark and the only light is from the car headlights… I lie down and stare at the sky… suddenly the headlights go off and it's completely dark… I hear the waves and smell the saltiness of the sea… he comes and lies down beside me and says…

" it takes time… but once your eyes get adjusted… you will see it…"

Seconds pass by and I see what he means… I gasp at the beauty of the patterns of the stars…

" you took me here to see the stars?"

He takes my hand and says…

" you said once that you always liked stars and astrology… so I thought this would be a good idea… was I wrong?"

I turn and put my head on his arms and say…

" Are you kidding? It's the best thing a guy did for me ever!"

He doesn't say anything… just strokes my hair and listens to me rambling on and on about the stars… and we watch stars twinkling all night together…


	17. Chapter 17

"I think I might get a hair cut!"

Mom looks at me and says…

"why? I thought you liked your hair long…"

I look at myself in the mirror… it's my day off and I'm bored… Jack is out of town again and I decided to let dad and Lucy have some fun so I said I'd stay with mom today… and I'm bored… it's so hot here… summer here is like hell… especially September… it's 90° F outside and I'm wearing a very thin white tank top with a pair of loose bright yellow shorts… but It's so hot and I can't tolerate my hair falling around me and reaches onto my backside... I frown deeply and say…

" Gah! That's it… I'm going to Danny's salon and I'm cutting all this off …"

Her eyebrows shoot up and she says…

"fine, I'll go with you then…"

After two hours my hair is cut shoulder length and I also got some highlights in them… I smile at my self… it's a big change… I always wore my hear long… it never occurred to me to cut it… but I feel good… Danny braided my hair before cutting it and gave me my hair… I'm going to hang it in my bedroom… there are so many people working here but every time I come here, Danny does my work himself… he's a nice guy… I once thought he was gay but actually he isn't… I saw his wife and she's so adorable… they have three boys… all of them got out on their own business…

I'm meeting uncle Pat this afternoon… we're going out to pick up some things for the church… I wish I was wearing something that wasn't showing this much of my legs… but it's so hot outside and I can't bear wearing jeans or whatever… I take my mom home and promise her not to be late for dinner… I go to the church and call Uncle Pat…

"Hey uncle, I'm here…"

" Hey kid! Why don't you come in?"

" I'm fine here… come out and let's go buying some new stuff!"

He chuckles and says…

"Okay!"

It's seven in the evening when I arrive at home... mom has made chicken potpie for dinner… I love this dish… she used to make this for me whenever I was sad… and I would cheer up immediately… after washing my hands I go to the kitchen and sit on a bar stool… mom gives me a kind smile and says…

"How was father Patrick? Is he fine?"

" yeah he is! We picked out some candle holders and chandeliers… and we talked a lot… I apologized for wearing this clothes and he was so understanding and said it's so hot and he would have worn a tank top himself if he could… and we talked about everything and he says I should go back and see how is everything back there… but I don't think I'm ready yet… I don't even know how things are there…"

She puts the plates on the counter and says…

" I'll go with you if you want…"

I smile at her and say…

" Thanks mom… let's eat our dinner for now… I'll think about that later…"

I wash the dishes and mom dries them with a dish towel… talking about Jack's company… he has to travel a lot as the CEO… for meetings and stuff with other companies…

" I know it's his job and he has to go… but it's just that… I miss him a lot all the times…"

She looks deeply sad… I dry my hands with the hand towel and stroke her hair…

" why don't you go with him? Hasn't he asked you to go with him at all?"

She watches me with teary eyes and says…

" of course he does all the times… but I don't want to burden him… he has to be focused on these meetings… and this way I get to spend more time with you… I just wish he didn't have to travel so much…"

I take a bottle of white wine from the fridge and two glasses from the cabinet… seems like mom wants to talk and she needs wine when she starts talking… I knew this since I was a teenager and she talked to me about how to be careful around boys and don't get too attached emotionally… we head to the living room and I pour both of us wine… she takes the glass and says…

" This reminds me of when you were fifteen and we used to talk about boys together… you remember I said don't open up to anyone and don't let anyone get under your skin?"

She pats my newly cut and highlighted hair and touches my bangs… I nod remembering her exact words… she smiles and says…

" Honey, I think it's time you let someone in… I'm worried about you, baby… I agree with Father Patrick… I think you need to go see for yourself… I think you need a closure… you need to go see he's happy with his wife and his kids… then maybe you can move on…"

I sip my wine and voice my fear…

" what if he isn't? What if he's miserable and not happy at all? I don't know if I have the strength to let him go then…"

" If he's not happy then maybe you can make him happy… he's your friend after all… you'd be there for him… that's his decision how to deal with it…"

She puts her glass on the table and takes my hands…

"Sweetheart I hate to see you like this… when you said you met with Jim I thought it might turn into something but I guess not… he's clearly into you but I can see you don't feel that way about him… I am aware of your nightmares… I know you didn't tell me because you didn't want me to worry but baby I'm a mother and my instincts kick in when my kid's got problems… it's been almost a year since you came here and I can't say your feelings for James has changed a bit… you still love him and only he could get under your thick skin… Go to Seattle and see him… I said I'll go with you…"

Tears stream down my face and I say…

" I don't know mom… maybe you're right… maybe I should go on a trip or something like that… I can go see Jason and make him forgive me… he's crazy mad at me and hasn't spoken to me for almost a year now…"

She wipes my tears and takes her glass again and says…

" Yes baby… that's right…"

Thinking about going back makes me queasy… I don't have to think about it now… I listen to my mom talking about her last fishing trip with Jack and how he managed to catch a forty two pounds fish… I smile at her enthusiasm… I love my mom…


	18. Chapter 18

It was a really busy day at the hospital today… I finally get to crash for half an hour in the attending's lounge… one of my patients attempted suicide for the fifth time… there's this girl who was in an accident three years ago and she lost her parents and her twin brother in that accident and she's paraplegic… she's so depressed and she says she doesn't have any reason to live anymore… I talk to her everyday… she's difficult and doesn't talk to anyone… it took me a month to make her talk to me… today is her and her brother's birthday and she remembered that they have planned to go visit London on their twentieth birthday… and she's so wrecked… I have to start with her all over again…

I received a phone call today… it was from one of the best psychiatric hospitals in Seattle… I once attended a conference there, it was about Schizophrenic patients… I published a lot lately… I had so much time so I did so many research and since I was in the hospital I had access to lots of patients… which was so convenient… but I never knew my name got out there… they heard about me all the way in Seattle and they offered me a position there… what are the odds of this happening now?! It's been a month since I had that conversation with my mom and I kept juggling the idea in my mind… but I haven't decided yet… but now this call made me feel a little unsettled… I have to talk to my dad... he knows better and of course I should ask Jason… unless he doesn't talk to me because I moved here… it's exhausting… I feel like I've been railroaded by a train… the exhaustion is mostly emotionally rather than physically… I have to go home…

I arrive home at seven fifty five… Lucy is there and made dinner… chicken piccata and some macaroni chicken salad… after washing my face and hands I go to the kitchen and join them… I take a bite and groan… giving her two thumps up, I put a fork full of salad in my mouth... Damn! she _can_ cook… I clear my plate in a few minutes and say…

" God! This was good… I was so much hungry and I didn't even have the tiniest bit of energy to cook… Thanks so much Lucy…"

I look at her fondly… she smiles and says…

" I'm glad you liked it… want some more?"

I nod with big wide Puppy-Dog eyes... she laughs at my expression and puts some more on my plate… Dad eyes me suspiciously… he knows something is up but he won't ask me anything until I'm ready to tell him myself… after we finished eating I insist on doing the dishes since she cooked… I bring three cups of peach flavored tea after I'm finished with the dishes... it's so delicious and I love the smell… I guess Lucy would stay tonight so I turn in at ten…

It's two in the morning and I can't go to sleep… I keep tossing and turning… I decide to go and get a drink… putting on my robe I make my way to the kitchen and take out a bottle of my favorite apple juice and go out to the porch… I sit at the table and think about the last time I couldn't go to sleep and came out for a drink… it was almost a year ago when James came here to check on me…

"Do you wanna talk, honey?"

Dad's voice startles me and takes me out of my reverie…

" something's been bugging you since you came... I can say you want to talk about it… but Lucy was here and you didn't say it… it's just you and me now… so spit it out…"

He takes out a chair and sits with me…

" Lucy left? I thought she would stay for the night!"

" No, she won't sleep over when you're here…"

I take in a deep breath and say…

"I've got a job offer today… I received a phone call from one of the most popular hospitals in Seattle… they offered me a position there… I don't know what to do… they heard of me when I was doing my own practice… and now with the researches I've done this past year… the word got out and they want me to go there and continue my research there…"

His eyebrows shoot up and his eyes are sparkling with something like... joy, satisfaction or pride… I can say which…

" What is the position they're offering?"

" Head of the department… they said they would pay for the moving expenses and all…"

" So what is the hold up? It's a great opportunity… you like working in a hospital… and being head of the department is so big… and I know you would handle it perfectly…"

My heart sinks… I look at his dear face and say…

" it's Seattle… it means I have to go and leave you again… I will miss you and mom… I'm having a really good time here…"

Dad tucks a lock of my hair behind my right ear and strokes my cheek…

" Honey, I never wanted you to go to Washington in the first place… go that far from us in a whole other state… but you had an opportunity to study in a great program… so I encouraged you… you went there and grew up there… you are a whole different person from who you were when you first went there… as much as I hate you to go away again, I want you to have the best things in life… and if it means I have to let you go one thousand and half miles away from me… then I'll let you go…"

I give him a teary look and say…

" I'll miss you so much… I love being with you and seeing mom frequently… I have to talk to her tomorrow… then I'm going to go to Seattle to meet with the chief and talk about what they're offering…"

"Well, since it's 3:00 AM it's practically today… so you'd better get some sleep…"

I stand up and say…

" Yeah I think I should… thanks dad… you're the best…"

I put a kiss at the top of his head and go back inside… now that I got it off my chest I can really sleep…


	19. Chapter 19

The plane lands in Sea-Tac at six thirty in the evening in Phoenix time and five thirty in Seattle time…

" Hey, I'm here in Seattle… I arrived in one piece… so don't worry… ;) :*"

I send it to mom and dad and Jim… he was a little bummed about the idea of me leaving… but he was so supportive… he even bought me a first class ticket to fly here… I remember his face when I said I want to come here…

" So you're going? I won't see you anymore?"

I touched his face and said…

" Hey, I'm still here… I said I would think about it… it's only a meeting… and of course you will see me again even if I go there… you can come visit me… I will come visit my parents and you…"

He gave me a sad smile and said…

" It's okay… it's just that… you're my best friend… I don't want to lose you… and I don't want to make you stay… this is a once in a life time opportunity… so you have to go… and I'm here whenever you want me… any money problems… guy problems or a shoulder to cry on… I'm here if you need me… so don't forget that…"

I wasn't able to eat since three days ago that I decided to come back here… I feel unsettled and nauseated… I only drank a cup of coffee in the plane…

I don't have a luggage, so I don't have to wait in line to get my stuff… l just took some sleep wears in my satchel for the one night I'm here… I will go back tomorrow and if things go smoothly here… I have to move back here… I haven't reserved a hotel or anything… I think maybe I can crash at Jason's… who's talking to me now… I sent him an email asking about the hospital and he called me… I told him about the offer and he said it was perfect and I had to go talk to them… I said I would think about it and I didn't tell him the meeting is today because if I did he would have wanted to come with me to this meeting and I don't need a chaperon… I have until six thirty so I rent a car at the airport and decide to go for a drive… it's raining here… oh I missed it here…

I go round and round until I find myself in front of my old house… I park the car and go inside the yard… the front door is open like I used to keep it… tears spring to my eyes… she hasn't changed much… I have planted some flowers and vegetables and trees in her garden and they have grown… rain has stopped and a cold breeze is running through my hair… I hear a woof and turn around to see a white Pomeranian puppy… I always wanted to get one of these… I sit down and touch her hair…

" Hey beautiful doggie… you live here? I used to live here, you know! You see these flowers… I planted them…"

She seems like a good dog… and doesn't try to attack me or anything… I'm an intruder here after all…

"What's your name cute little girl? How old are you? Two? Three?"

"Her name's Denise… she's a year and half…"

My heart stops beating for a few seconds and then it starts pounding in my ears with a frantic rhythm… I stand up and see him… he hasn't changed much… he grew a mustache and cut his hair very short… I believe it's for a plot he's working on… but he's himself… he's James…

"Hey…"

My voice cracks… he watches me in disbelief and shakes his head… and blinks a couple of times… like he wants to understand I'm really here or he's hallucinating… what is he doing here?

" Why are you here? You know the guy who bought my house?"

I give him an impassive look… he must not know how I'm feeling right now… he takes a deep breath and says…

" I am the guy who bought your house…"

God! He bought my house! Why? I don't know how I should feel… I feel a little happy and satisfied… some where deep inside my psyche I knew he was the one who bought my house… He gives me his crooked smile…

"What are you doing here?"

He finally asks… I clear my throat and try to control the shiver that's running through my body…

" I have a meeting in one of the hospitals here… I arrived in Seattle about half an hour ago..."

I say in a small voice… _get a grip Anna!_ I scold myself internally… I smile at him and say…

" How have you been? You're okay?"

He nods…

" Yeah… you look… different… you got a haircut?!"

My eyes sparkle with joy…

"Yeah… how do I look? Weird?"

He looks me in the eye… my whole body goes numb… I crave touching him but I can't move…

" You look beautiful… you always do…"

He smiles kindly at me and I forget to breathe… I feel dizzy and he chuckles…

" Breathe, Anna!"

I take a deep breath and shake my head... I can see longing and love and amazement in his eyes… I believe he can see the exact same things in mine…

" How are the kids? They must have grown so much… I miss them so much…"

He gives me a wistful look and says…

" They're fine… yeah they've grown so much…"

I can say he's deeply sad but I don't know why…

" you want to get a drink or something?"

I look at my watch and I only have twenty minutes until the meeting…

" I'd love to but I have to go now… my meeting starts in twenty minutes… we can go grab a bite after that if you want!"

I say coolly… I've managed to be cool so far… I'm gonna make it… he smiles and says…

" Sure… call me after you're done then…"

I nod and say…

" Okay…"

The meeting went very well… they are offering me everything... it's like a dream… it took all of my energy to focus while I was in there though…

Holy Crap! James bought my house… but why? Why would he do something like that… all these times I talked on the phone with Eric, he tried to tell me something about James… but I never wanted to know about him… so I interrupted him every time… maybe this was the thing he tried to tell me…

I drive back to my old house and park my car in front of it... I take out my phone and dial a number I haven't dialed in a long time…

" Hello?"

"Hey, it's me… I'm here… I parked in front of the house…"

"Okay… I'll be out in five minutes…"

"Cool!"

And I hang up… I don't seem to be able to bring the shivering under control… I turn up the heater and the windows are closed… but it's no good… it's coming from inside me… I want to call my dad… but not now… maybe before I go to sleep…

James opens the car door and it makes me jump… he watches me with an apologetic smile and says…

"Sorry I didn't want to startle you…"

I look at his eyes and find the thing I was looking for, for a long time… I take a deep shuddering breath and say…

" It's okay… where do you want to go?"

He shrugs and says…

" Some where private… we don't want press tonight…"

I smile and say…

" So we have to go to that bar we used to go… in that private room…"

I start the car and go to our bar… we are both quiet on the way… but I feel his eyes on my face… I concentrate on the road… after ten minutes we're there… I park the car in a spot I used to park my old car… we go in the bar and Joe, the Bartender waves his hand for us…

" Hey guys… you haven't been here for a long time… we missed you…"

We shake hands with him and James says…

" We want that private room we usually get… is it available?"

" Yes… it's only for VIPs we don't give it to anyone… you can use it… a waiter will come to get your orders…"

After we settle in a waiter comes and says…

" Are you ready to order?"

I glance at the menu and say…

" I want a chicken soup… and a glass of club soda…"

James gapes at me and says…

" That's all? You need to eat something better…"

I look at him incredulously… how can he worry about what I eat now?!…

"I'm fine… I'm not that hungry… you order…"

He shakes his head and says…

" I'll have the steak and a glass of sauvignon blanc…"

"Yes, Sir!"

The waiter leaves and suddenly I can feel the tension… I take a deep breath and say…

" How is Amelia?"

His eyes darken and says…

" she's fine I guess…"

My brows furrow and I say…

"You live together… she's your wife… why do you say I guess?!"

He gives me a wistful look and says…

" Not any more… we split up…"

I stare at him wide eyed and my mouth drops open… the waiter comes in with our orders… I can't believe this… after he goes I say…

" But why? I thought you were getting along… why did you do that? Was it your decision?"

He eyes me warily and says…

" No… it was Millie… we did marriage counseling and all… I did my best… but it just didn't work out… we signed the divorce papers a couple of months ago…"

He gives me a puzzled look and says…

" I thought you knew… I thought…"

He doesn't complete his sentence but I know what he was going to say…

" You thought I came here because I heard about you and Amelia? You thought that was the reason I came here?"

He shrugs apologetically and presses his lips and frowns… I shake my head and say…

" I've been working as an attending at a hospital in Phoenix... I made lots of progress in my career through the last year… I haven't had the easy going life I used to have here… and I enjoyed it a lot… I have been offered to be the head of psychiatry in one the best hospitals here… I've been doing research and published over fifteen papers last year… and they want me here… to run the ward and continue my research… that's why I came…"

He continues to look at me impassively …

"I stopped following the news about you long ago… and even every time Eric or Andy or any of the other guys tried to talk about you… I stopped them… I wanted to leave you alone… because you needed that… but… I never in a million years have thought you would have gotten a divorce…"

He starts to pick on his food and says…

" I'm sorry… I didn't mean to offend you… I meant that I'm happy to see you … I never thought I would get the chance to see you again… eat your soup… we'll talk after dinner…"

In fact I'm famished… I can't figure out how I'm really feeling… I'm sad and happy and tired and confused… sad because he's sad and his marriage broke up… happy because he's my friend and the love of my life so I'm happy to see him… tired because I had a really long day and haven't been able to sleep for forty eight hours… confused because I don't know what to do now…

My soup is finished before I know and I regret not ordering a proper meal… I look at James and see he's looking at me with a knowing smile… he chuckles and pushes the call button and the waiter comes back in no time…

I give him an apologetic smile and say…

" Can I have a ravioli?"

"Yes, Ma'am… it will be here shortly…"

" Thanks!"

And he leaves… I look at James and see he's still smiling and he shakes his head…

" How did you know?"

" What? that you're never gonna be full with that soup? I know you better than that… you're anxious now and you're a compulsive eater… and by the color of your face I can say you haven't been able to eat well for at least three days… I've seen you like this before… so I knew…"

I shake my head and say…

"You know… even my mom doesn't know me that well…"

I smile and remember his kids and my face falls…

" your kids… they stay with their mom?"

His face falls too… he nods and says…

" We share their custody… I can see them whenever I want and I take them to my place or take them out shopping sometimes… but it's not the same… Dulcie's having the hardest time… she misses me… I miss her and Phoebe… I miss them, Anna! I miss them all the time and it's my fault…"

I put my hand on his and say…

" I'm so sorry… that you're hurt… I'm sorry that you have to suffer like this… you know that I never wanted this… I left because I was afraid this would happen and it happened anyway…"

He puts his other hand on mine and says…

" No, Anna! It wasn't you… we had lots of problems and none of them included you… so don't blame yourself… you left for the sake of my marriage… you made a sacrifice I never could have asked you for… and I failed… so if there's anything it's on me… despite doing my best I failed… so you have no right to blame yourself for this…"

The waiter comes with my ravioli and breaks our connection… I kind of lost my appetite but I start eating anyway… I have to eat something or I'm going to pass out… I need my energy for this… he goes back to eating too… whatever has changed, this hasn't… he still eats like a horse… which makes me smile…

We go out after finishing our dinner…

" Well, I get that you haven't had the time to check in a hotel or something… so you're staying the night at your place…"

I give him a puzzled look and say…

" Excuse me… I don't get what you're saying…"

He opens the passenger's door for me and says…

" Get in the car… we're going home!"

And pushes me into the seat… my mouth drops open… he's taking me to his house?… which was formerly my house… he gets in and starts the car…

" actually I wanted to stay the night at Jason's…"

"Did you contact him today?"

" No!"

" Does he know you're here?"

I frown not knowing where he's going with this…

" No, I didn't tell him I would fly in today…"

" so you're staying with me… we're going to drink beer and talk all night… like we used to…"

I look at his dear, dear face… why do I love this man this much? What does he have that has captured my heart this bad? I shake my head and I say…

" Okay… fine! But I'm leaving tomorrow… I have to go back to Arizona and hand in my resignation and pack my stuff and come back here…"

He nods and remains silent the rest of the ride home… he parks the car in front of the house… takes my satchel from the backseat and gets out and opens my door… I smile at him and follow him to the house… Denise comes out and greets us…

He opens the door and steps aside…

" After you…"

I smile at him and go inside…

I can't believe my eyes… he hasn't moved a thing… every thing's the same… my treadmill is there… the weights… he opens the fridge and says…

" I now understand why you like this apple juice so much…"

I turn to him and see he's holding a bottle of my favorite apple juice and smiling at me…

" it's pretty tasty… especially when it's mixed with beer…"

I shake my head and can't stop giggling… tears spring to my eyes… everything is like I've never left… he kept all my things at their place… he takes my satchel to the bedroom… my bedroom… he hasn't changed anything there either… he puts it on the bed and says…

" I'll give you some privacy if you want to shower or anything… there are clean towels in the same drawer you always kept them…"

I smile at him and say…

" Thanks… I'll be quick…"

After a quick shower I change into my white sweatshirt and gray sweatpants… I towel dry my hair and go back to the living room where he's sitting… I sit beside him and take a beer from the table… I know he wants to talk… and he won't if I ask… so I need to be quiet for him to start…

" When you left… everything was normal… nothing has changed or anything… Millie and I went back to our lives and… everything felt normal except it wasn't normal at all… nobody ever talked about you anymore and you weren't mentioned any where at all… it felt like you never existed… and it hurt… I had feelings… I was hurt… and I couldn't deal with it if anyone pretended that you never existed… cuz you did… you were a big part of my life… I fell in love with you and I couldn't take it to feel you never were in my life… so I bought your house… you left your life here to save me… I bought this house to remind myself the price you unfairly paid to save my marriage… I bought it with all its content… and kept it exactly the way you kept it… for a day that maybe you wanted to come back… you needed your home… and I also bought your car… she's in the garage… I knew how much you loved her so I kept her for you too… exactly the way you left her…"

I can't believe what I'm hearing… he looks at me and says…

" Anna I want to tell you that no matter what I did… I couldn't forget you… I know it's complicated and all… and I know you've been away for a year… and I know lots of things have changed… but I also know that the only thing that hasn't changed is that I want you… I want to be with you… and I want to know if you want me too?"

My mouth drops open… I can't believe he just said that…

" I'm stupid… you must have met someone there in Phoenix… you have a boyfriend?"

I shake my head and say…

" No, I don't!"

" So? Honey, if you want me too, we will stay here together and we will figure it out how to go on with our lives… but if you don't I will move out first thing in the morning…"

" But this is your house… you bought her from me… with a great deal of money…"

He blanches and says…

" So does that mean…"

He's unable to complete his sentence… I can't believe this… is this really happening? Is there really an opportunity for us to be together?

" would you please slap me?"

He stares at me wide eyed in horror and says…

" Why would I do that?"

" Because all of this seems like a dream… I want to make sure that I'm not asleep… that I haven't fallen asleep in the shower and there's actually a chance to be us…"

He gives me a breathtaking smile and says…

" Well, I know a better option for that!"

And he catches my face with both hands and kisses me… hard and lascivious… in fact I've never been kissed like this before… he runs his fingers through my hair and cradles me onto his lap… I have trouble keeping up with him… he tugs at my lower lip with his teeth and it hurts a bit…

" Is this enough proof?"

He whispers against into my ear nipping at my earlobe… I groan and pull his lips on mine… he pushes me into the couch and kisses along my jaw and says…

" I missed you so much…"

Then he moves so I'm lying on top of his body and he takes me in his arms and doesn't go any further… in fact I appreciate it… because I'm not ready for this yet… I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beating…

" Do you have to go tomorrow? You can resign over an email, you know! And you can ask your father to send your stuff here…"

I put my chin on his chest and look at his stubbly chin… his beard grows fast… he looks down at me… I put a kiss on his chest and say…

" I have to say proper goodbyes to my mom and dad… and Jim… and uncle Pat!"

His brows furrow and he says…

" Who the hell is Jim?"

"Jim Conner… he's been the best quarter back Phoenix ever had… he's been my patient and we became friends… good friends actually… we would go out hiking and clubbing and stuff… he was you for me there…"

He looks at me with hooded eyes and says…

" so you mean you love him, too?"

I sit up and say…

" No, of course not… despite my best efforts I couldn't feel anything for anyone… I was always thinking about you…"

He sits up too and says…

" Okay… now tell me everything…"

And I start talking to him about my year… and he tells me about his… I glance at the clock and it's half past two in the morning…

" We should go to sleep… it's late…"

He nods and says…

" Okay… I'll take a pillow and some covers… I'll sleep here… you take the bed…"

I rise my eyebrows and say…

" We can sleep in the same bed, You know!"

He shakes his head and says…

" Anna, I want you badly and if I go into bed with you I will want to finish the kiss I started… but I don't want to rush you… I know you're not ready yet… and I don't trust myself tonight… so I'm sleeping on the couch…"

I swallow hard and don't know how to feel about the fact that he wants me…

" Why don't you sleep in the other room?"

He shrugs and says…

" I don't know… I never slept there…"

" So I go to the other room… you sleep in the bedroom…"

" No that's your bed… you will sleep on it..."

I roll my eyes and say…

" Oh shut up! Okay I take my bed and you go to the other room… see you tomorrow…"

I put a soft kiss on his lips and before he can catch me and deepening the kiss, I stand up and go to my old bedroom… after brushing my teeth with his tooth brush I go to a sound sleep… and for the first time in a long time… I don't have a nightmare…


	20. Chapter 20

So Jim has decided to throw a party at his place and all his buddies are going to be there… It's got so hot and humid here… I can't remember the weather being like this in August when I was living here back then… I don't know if it's my body that is still attuned to Seattle's rainy and cool weather or it's global warming… I shake my mind and look at my self in the mirror… I'm wearing a very bright red tank top and my favorite dark blue jeans… I didn't know what to do with my hair… so I just pulled it into a pony tail… my own olive blonde hair color has came back and only half down of my hair is kind of red wine color and the rest to the top is my own hair color… I juggle the idea of dying it again… but I'm not sure about it… I sit down in front of the mirror and start on my make up… first I put on some moisturizing cream on the back of my hands and face… my palms sweat excessively so I don't need moisturizer for them… I wore a lot of deodorant because it doesn't matter how many times I shower a day… I will stink in an hour with this temperature… I shake my head and try not to think about the weather and concentrate on the air conditioner of my room… I put on some mascara first on my right eyelashes and then my left… then I decide to go for a thin eyeliner and I try so hard not to screw it… I've started putting on makeup since I came here but these are still new to me… my phone buzzes… I pick it up and see Jim has texted again… for the sixth time since this morning he asked me not to be late… I shake my head and don't answer his text… I look at myself and wonder where was I… oh, lipstick… I put on some rose red lipstick and apply some cheek blush… I blink a couple of times and smile at my reflection… seems like I'm ready…

For the first time in my life I want to wear stilettos… shiny black three inches stilettos… I put them on and feel like I'm going to fall down on my face… no it's stupid… I put on a pair of my favorite converses and I'm good to go… I pick up my phone and car keys and head out…

" I'm leaving dad…"

Lucy practically runs to me and says…

" You really want to go to his party like this? Tank top and jeans? Are you out of your mind?"

She blurts the words out and scowls at me… she looks older talking like this... she sounds like my mom… yanking at my hand, she takes me to my room and opens my closet… running through my newly bought dresses by my over enthusiastic mother and over extravagant father…

" This one's too flashy it's good for a red carpet … this one's too revealing… better for a birthday or something… where are you… I know I saw you some where…"

I stare at her blankly… she's talking to herself and shuffling my clothes…

" Uh-huh… found it…"

Her voice makes me jump… she hands me a dark navy tight neck cocktail dress and says…

" come on… take off your clothes or I'm going to take them off you… put this on while I'm finding you a matching purse and shoes for this… and you need thigh highs... "

I stare at the dress that I've never seen and she has seen it in my closet and say…

" How did you know I had this dress?"

She's now shuffling through my purses and shoes... trying to match them…

" I knew because I picked it out for you, honey... there, found them!"

She turns around with a victorious smile on her beautiful face… her hazel eyes shine with joy… and her face falls seeing me still in my top and jeans… she frowns and comes stands in front of me … her hands crossed on her chest and tapping one foot on the floor…

" Why aren't you changed, yet?"

" Because I'm comfortable in these… I don't want to wear a fancy dress and all these things…"

She exhales and shakes her head in disappointment… she sits on my bed next to me and says…

" Anna, you're a beautiful attractive hot girl… so act like one… this is a party… there will be girls there who have swum in makeups and have done lots of plastic surgeries… I don't mean that you do not look beautiful this way… you do… you look pretty… but you have to wear beautiful dresses… I've seen the photos of your school days… you never wore a dress… no matter how strong you look and how tomboy you think you are… but there is a little girl inside you that her eyes sparkle with joy whenever she looks at beautiful dresses and high heels and stuff like that… so you owe this to her…"

She smiles at me and says…

" So are you taking off that damned top or you want me to do it?"

She sounds serious… I roll my eyes and say…

" Okay fine… I'll do it!"

She claps her hands and says…

" Okay, here… let me help you…"

I put on the dress and she helps me with the black thigh highs… she has picked out a pair of two inches shiny black pumps… the heels on this pair are wide so they help me support my weight…

She eyes my pony tail and says…

" Come sit here… I have to do something with this hair of yours…"

After ten minutes or so she has done a low loose casual chignon on my hair… there are two strands of my hair curled around each side of my face…God she's good! She looks proudly at her handiwork and says…

" Now you're ready to go kick some surgical dolls' ass!"

I laugh at her comment and hug her…

" Thanks, Lucy! I know you don't like me much and I am a buzz killer and with me here you have no privacy at all… but I like you… a lot actually! You make my dad happy and it's all I want… I want him to be happy… and he's so happy with you…"

She pats my back and lets go of me and puts her hands on my shoulders…

" Honey, I like you too… you're Jeff's little girl… and I love him… so this means I love you too… and the most important part of him being happy, is for you to be happy… and I want that too… so I'm going to help you… to the best of my effort…"

I smile at her cute little face and tug at her cheeks and say…

" Thank you… can I go now?"

She smacks my hands away and puts my lipstick and mascara and some tissue in my purse and hands it to me and says…

" For billionth time… Don't tug at my cheeks… yeah, you're good to go now…"

I laugh at her irritation and make my way out of my room to the front door… dad looks at me with approval…

" Bye Dad, Bye Lucy…"

I get on my car and drive away… I park my car in front of Jim's house at six thirty five… after checking my makeup, I pick up my purse from the passenger seat and get out of the car… the music is loud and there are so many cars parked out here… I guess I am late after all… Jim is going to kill me… I ring the bell and wait for the door to open… after several seconds the door opens and I can see Jim in his white T-shirt that is clinging into his muscular chest and the top three buttons of his T-shirt is undone… generously revealing his pectorals… and he's in the black jeans we bought together last time we went out shopping… I look at his eyes and I can't say he's mad or not… because he's just staring at me… blankly… without saying a word… I smile at him and say…

" Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late… I will explain for you later… will you let me in?"

He shakes his head and steps aside so I can get in… he grins at me showing off his perfect shining white teeth… God knows how much he pays his dentist for this… I roll my eyes at him… when I get to the living room I see what Lucy meant earlier… there are these girls with fake faces and big boobs and giant hips clinging into the guys… oh I can't even think how would this work out… Jim puts his left arm around my shoulder and leads me in…

" Hey guys… you know Dr. Anna Pritchett… she was my doctor at the hospital and she's a good friend to me now…"

I know all of them by face… but I can't remember their names… I know Cam and Bob... but the others, no…

After greeting them I ask Jim where the bathroom is because I want to wash my hands and I feel I need to freshen up… he shows me the way and I go there… this is more a mansion than a house… the building is at least twelve thousand square feet and the garden around it is so big… I wash my hands and put on some more lipstick and mascara… I check my dress and stockings… I'm okay and my hair is intact… I smile at myself and go out… the kitchen is left to the bathroom… I go there and see a middle aged blonde woman cooking and two model like girls in apron making salad… the woman notices me…

" Can I get you something Dr. Pritchett? Do you need anything?"

My eyebrows shoot up… she knows who I am… Jim must have told them… the girls notice me too and give me fake smiles … I enter the kitchen and say…

" Can I have some water, please?"

She beams at me and says…

" Sure..."

I take a look at what she's making… there are oysters and lobsters and fish… mostly seafood… I hope they have some beef or something else… I don't like seafood… she gives me a glass of water and laughs at my expression… I realize I'm twisting my mouth… I smile at her and drink my water… she has a kind smile and I guess she is in her mid forties or something…

" I'm Mrs. Clarke… I work for Mr. Conner… I guess by the expression on your face that you're not a big fan of seafood… Don't worry there will be lamb and beef and pork… the guys eat like a horse… so no amount of seafood would be enough to replete them…"

I laugh at her comment…

" Yeah, you're definitely right…"

" There you are! I wondered where have you gone and here you are talking to Mrs. Clarke about food…"

Jim comes into the kitchen nagging… he scowls at me and says…

" I invited you to come here and have fun… not to spend time in the kitchen…"

" I was just checking what we're having for dinner… seems like there's going to be a festival of foods…"

He shakes his head at me and tries to stifle his smile…

" I've told you she's amazing, isn't she?"

He says to Mrs. Clarke… she smiles kindly at him and says…

" Sure she is…"

I flush with embarrassment… he talked about me with her… I don't know how to feel about it… he takes my arm and says…

" Come on… let's go dance!"

It's not easy to dance in these heels… I try to limit my movement as much as possible… otherwise I'm going to stomp on my own foot and fall down and make a complete fool of my self… Jim by the way dances beautifully and gracefully… he sings along with the singer and dances with me… I laugh and try to reciprocate… it's actually fun… I didn't know if I would be able to enjoy myself… there are girls who are shooting venomous looks at me… I laugh and talk in Jim's ear…

" Those girls in red want to kill me… they are looking at me like I have stolen their favorite doll…"

He laughs and says…

" Don't worry! They don't have the balls to even come and talk to you… you intimidate them…"

I rise a brow and watch him quizzically… he shakes his head and says…

" Don't think about them… enjoy the dance…"

One of the girls I've seen in the kitchen earlier comes with a tray of drinks… I take a glass of white wine and take a sip… it's pinot grigio… my dad's favorite… I feel a little tired so I tell Jim I will sit down…

After sitting down on the sofa, I take out my phone to check if I had any missed calls or texts… there are four texts and no missed calls… so I open the texts… first one is from Eric… he says he misses me and that he might come to Arizona for doing a plot in the next week… he says he wants to see me… my mood instantly lifts… I miss him so much… I reply him with a big grin on my face, saying I would be more than happy to see him and asking when he exactly will come… the other text is from Andy… he's complaining about the fact that I don't call him much and he misses me too… he's asking if I will ever go back to Seattle… I don't answer him… my mood ebbs a little… the other two are from my mom… she wants me to enjoy myself as much as I can… and in the next text she gave me some advice about the things I can do to look superhot for tonight… I smirk… she's on a vacation with Jack… they have gone to Reumont, South France… I've been there once when I was going round the Europe on my own… Reumont is so much honey moonish… well as long as she's happy, I'm happy…

" trying to solve a math problem, Doc?"

There's a handsome and muscular man sitting next to me… he has a lopsided grin on his face… there are lots of scars on his face… playing football is so much cruel… there's a scar on his left cheek which is lined into the corner of his mouth… I realize I'm staring… I give him a polite smile and say…

" Doctors handle medical cases, not math problems…"

He laughs and says…

" You do have a smart mouth! I can't believe I've finally got to meet Jim's girl! It's a pleasure to see you Anna, I'm Tom by the way!"

I shake his hand and say…

"Nice to see you, Tom! And I'm not Jim's girl… we're just friends!"

He shrugs and says…

" It's okay, I don't care that much! He's happy… we were all so worried he would change into someone sour and angry when he was forced to retire because of his condition… but it's a relief to see him this happy… it's obvious that it has something to do with you…"

I look at Jim who's talking animatedly to Cam and Bob about something… Tom's right… he is happy… he turns and catches my eye… he smiles at me and waves me to go there to him… I take my purse and stand up and go to him… he's laughing and he wraps his left arm around my shoulders and says…

" Anna, they want to play poker… I've told them you'll kick their sorry asses… but they don't believe me… are you up for a game after dinner?"

I look at his dancing eyes… he really is happy… I smile at him… he knows I suck at poker but he's the best… and now he's bluffing… I nod and say…

" I'm okay with it… but I'm starving… so let's eat first…"

There is a very large dinner table ready for us… there are lots of foods on it… I take a plate and a fork and knife… a piece of beef steak and some vegetables is all I can manage to eat, so I pick them up with a glass of soda and go sit on an armchair… I hope nobody disturbs me because I will eat them instead of my steak… I hate eating in these kinds of situations… I want to feel free to fill my mouth with meat and enjoy it as much as I can… but being here I can't do such thing… I have to take small bites… I close my mind and try not to let this sour my mood… I've just started eating when Jim sits on the armchair next to me… he smiles at me and doesn't say anything… his plate is super full with every thing that was on the table… one of the good things about Jim is that he doesn't talk while he eats… my mind is going wildly and wants to find similarities between him and you-know-who… but I put an abrupt halt to it… I blink several times and instead I start to pick on my vegetables… describing their shapes in my mind as I eat them… I was right not to put too much on my plate… I feel completely full after finishing my steak and vegetables… I look around and watch the other guys… I see what Mrs. Clarke meant… they do eat like a horse… the girls, on the other hand… they are either nibbling on a bread stick or a small piece of pork… I screw my face with disgust… the highest joys in life is to eat, sleep and have sex… well I'm screwed for the two last options but I can eat all I want… I enjoy that as much as I can… Jim smiles at me and wipes his mouth with a napkin…

" I can say by the look on your face that watching how the girls eat is not very appealing to you…"

I twitch my lips and say…

" It's disgusting… this is a very great food… best ingredients and well cooked… and they're wasting it… it disgusts me… I'm sure it disgusts God too! Watching them waste this very good food like this while there are millions of people hungry around the world…"

He rises his brows and laughs…

" Wow! Great speech Doctor… I help lots of orphans and lots of low leveled families who are in need… I have lots of money and I'm not going to live forever… so I will do what ever I can to help as much as I am able to…"

I smile at his kind expression and say…

" You're a great man, Jim… I'm so happy to be friends with you…"

" Enough with the love exchange… it's time to play some cards…"

Bob blurts… I look at his wicked eyes and pull myself together and stand up… I discard my plate on the table beside me and say…

" Bring it on, Big boy!"

He laughs out loud and says…

" You are a challenging woman, Doc, aren't you?"

" Challenging is my middle name!"

I smirk… Jim stands up too and we go sit around a table near the glass wall at the end of the salon… Jim takes out the cards and starts shuffling… I stretch out my hand and say…

" Hey, let me!"

His dark green eyes are dancing with joy and mischief… he gives me a big grin and hands me the cards… Eric has taught me how to shuffle ceremoniously… I start shuffle the cards several times and the guys come sit around the table… Jim sits next to me and I see Cam and Bob exchanging a meaningful smile… I try not to think too much into it… every body is waiting for me to hand out the cards… I deal the cards and we start playing… they know what they're doing… they're really good at this… I know what I'm doing too but not that much… it's a good thing they don't bet on money… every time someone loses has to drink a glass of tequila… we've played three hands and I haven't lost once… Bob lost twice and Tim lost once… we're on our fourth round… I'm looking at the Queen's card in my hand… I stare at it blankly… it has two faces… one is upward and the other one is downward… I tune every sound out… I just look at the cards… and it gives me an idea on a study I'm doing on bipolar patients… I suddenly am aware of the voices around me… I turn to Jim and say…

" Would you give me a pen and a piece of paper please? I really need to write something down, like right now!"

He knows what I mean so he stands up immediately and runs to fetch what I need for me… it happened before… I'm looking at something and I get inspiration from it… everyone's looking at me like I've lost my mind…

" Hey, what's going on here? Everything alright?"

Jim comes back with a notepad and a fountain pen… I take it and start writing down quickly… Jim is explaining to the guys what's going on…

" She usually gets ideas about how to treat her patients and she has to write down everything quickly…"

After a few minutes I'm done… I look up at everyone and see some of the girls are shooting disgusted looks at me... some of them are smirking at me… the guys seem to be amazed and some of them don't really seem to care… I put the pen and notepad down and smile picking up my cards…

" So where were we?"

I had to drink four glasses of tequilas… but my alcohol capacity isn't that high so after the second one I was beginning to feel fuzzy and Jim accepted to be my black rose and drank the two others for me… he never lost once… that cute bastard… I am giggling like crazy… I look around and find out I'm on a bed… my head is still fuzzy and I know I'm drunk really bad… I remember Jim pulling me into his arms and taking me here… I check the clock it's three in the morning… the door opens and Jim comes in… he has a glass of orange juice in his right hand and a bottle of pills in the other… he sits on the edge of the bed and puts the glass and pills on the bedside table... I can see the pills now… it's Advil… I smile up at his face and say…

" Aren't you cute? Bringing pills and juice!"

He smiles and helps me sit up… everything starts spinning so I close my eyes and try not to throw up… he runs his fingers through my forehead and my neck… the cool feeling of his fingers on my face makes the nausea go away… I inhale deeply and open my eyes… I try to focus and wrap my head around what had happened… my burrows furrow…

" What happened? Where did the guys go? We were playing cards!"

He continues moving his cool fingers on my forehead and says…

" We played and I won at last… it was nice… everyone had fun… you're very drunk right now… I'm sorry… I knew you couldn't take in that much alcohol… I should never have let you drink at all…"

" You have a nice voice… it's kind of throaty and deep… it's soothing… and you have a cute accent… I like men with accent… you know the man I love has the cutest accent ever…"

I start giggling like a high school cheerleader… and then it hits me… we used to play poker with the guys back there too… he would always take care of me if I was drunk… and I smile … I look at Jim's face and instead of two big kind dark gray eyes I see two worried anxious deep dark green eyes… I reach out my hand and stroke his cheek… he looks really deeply worried about me…

" I am hurting you, aren't I?"

He shakes his head… I move my fingers into his sideburns and say…

" Sorry… I'm so messed up… I'm usually not that type of girl who gets hung up on a man and destroys the rest of her life for it… and I'm not… but being with you and the other guys… it just reminds me of him and those guys back there… we used to hang out, like a lot… well, not wearing heels and fancy dresses like this… but we were having fun… and everything was so easy with them… we were like family and I miss them… I hate the fact that I had to leave my life behind and fly across the country in order not to ruin a family…"

I put my head in my hands and close my eyes… my head hurts a lot… I take two Advil and take it down with a large gulp of orange juice… then I drink the whole glass… I look at Jim who's watching me like I'm going to flip out every second… I put the glass on the table and say…

" You know, my mom told me something his boyfriend, Jack… you met Jack… well he told my mom about something in Islam religion… he said that the Muslim men can have four wives… at the same time… can you believe it? How cool is that?"

I laugh out loud and punch his arm… he doesn't flinch or anything… he just gives me a crooked smile…

" She said that he told her they are some women find another wife for their own husband… and they are some families who live together like this… mostly Arabs are like this, though…"

I sigh heavily and look at my knotted fingers on my lap… I twist my fingers and look at my nail polishes… he puts his hand under my chin and brings my head up…

" You wish he was a Muslim now? That way there would be no need to all this hide and seek and there would be no broken hearts… huh?"

I shrug and say…

" I just wanted to love someone that is not married and I never wanted to be a home wrecker… if he didn't feel the same way… if he didn't love me back… I could have stayed… I could have ignored him as a friend for a while until I could get a grip on my feelings… but he did… he did feel the same way about me and he did love me back… so I did what I must've done… I had to make a call and I did… I made the right call… but I'm hurt and lonely and it doesn't seem fair…"

I look into his eyes and say…

" It's not fair… you are a really nice guy and I like you and you're a very good friend… but I don't feel anything for you… Lucy and my mom are so excited that I'm friends with you and they're hoping we can go further… but I can't… I don't feel anything at all… I feel like unfinished business… I feel unfinished… my feelings for him is not finished… I've been to lots of dates… with really nice guys… but I didn't feel anything at all… I'm tired…"

He strokes my hair and says…

" Get some sleep… I called your father he knows you're here… so don't worry… sleep tight and call out if you needed anything… I'm going to sleep in the next room… just call out my name and I'll be here…"

He helps me lie down and turns off the bedside lamps… I am tired and drunk and everything is blurry… my mind is dozing off and I feel like I'm staring into two kind laughing gray eyes…


	21. Chapter 21

I wake up with a start… it takes some time to figure where I am… I'm at my old house… I feel like I had a dream last night... a very pleasant dream… I check the clock and see it's seven in the morning… I have a flight to catch at nine forty five… there's a photo on the bedside table… it's James and his daughters in his arms… he's laughing and so are the kids… then it hits me… it wasn't a dream… I practically run out of the bedroom and hear him whistling with the song that's playing on the radio… I stand there watching him moving in his white T-shirt which is beautifully clinging onto his chest muscles and he's in his black sweatpants that are hanging on his well shaped hips and he's bare foot on the ceramics of the kitchen… he's making breakfast… his hair is still wet from the shower he's taken… I can't believe it's all happening… I feel like I'm asleep… he notices me on his way to the fridge and beams at me…

" Hey beautiful, sleep well?"

I nod unable to speak… he walks towards me and dips his head and I know he wants to kiss me but I move my head so he kisses my cheek… I put my right hand on his chest and the left in front of my mouth…

" I haven't washed my teeth yet… I might have a bad morning breath…"

His gray eyes dance with joy and says…

" I don't care, baby!"

" I do! Give me five minutes…"

He kisses my forehead and says…

" Take all the time you need… I'm making breakfast…"

I go back to the bedroom and to the bathroom… I watch myself and regret running out before checking my hair… it's like a bird's nest… I roll my eyes and brush my teeth and take the brush from the vanity and try to do something with this nest on my head… I've cut it so I can't even braid it... so I try to pull it into a pony tail which is not so successful… some of it fall down around my face… I sigh and give up… I shouldn't be worried after all… who am I kidding?!... James has seen me in every worst shape possible before… I change into my black jeans and red button up shirt and after putting on some lip gloss and mascara, I put the clothes I've been wearing last night in my satchel and I grab my phone and I go out of the room to the kitchen… I still can't believe what happened… I put my satchel on the counter top and hug him from back and I put my chin on his shoulder… he stops moving immediately and inhales sharply… he puts his hands on mine and rest his head on my head… putting a kiss on his neck, I release him... he turns and runs his fingers through my hair and put a soft sweet kiss on my lips and pouts…

" Can't you stay? I'm afraid you go and don't come back…"

I smile at his dear face and run my index finger on his pouty lips and say…

" honey, I have to go… it will only be a day or two at most…"

He tucks the left part of my hair behind my ear and says…

" I'll come with you…"

I come out of his arms and sit on a bar stool and say…

" Don't be such a baby… now give me my breakfast and then send me away…"

He pouts again and starts putting fried eggs and bacon on my plate… and then he puts some for himself and then lays the plate of pancakes down on the bar… after pouring a glass of orange juice for me and a glass of milk for himself, he takes his seat next to me… I'm starving so I dig in… he has never cooked for me before… this is a first… and he's really good… I look at my watch it's seven thirty five… I have to hurry up if I want to make it in time for my flight… I clear my plate within minutes… I look at James and see he's picking at his food… it's the first time he seems not to have the appetite … I put my left hand on his shoulder and say…

" Hey, I'm not going to go for ever… I will hand in my resignation to the hospital as soon as I reach there… and I'm going to tell my mom and dad and Jim what I decided and after I said goodbye to them, I will get on a plane and fly right back here… in your arms… I promise!"

He turns and looks at me… he takes my hand and kisses my knuckles…

" Call me, okay?"

I stroke his cheek with my other hand and say…

" Of course… now eat your breakfast…"

He smiles and starts eating…

" I will come with you to the airport…"

I pick up my satchel and take my keys and say…

" No, James! That's not a good idea at all… your divorce news are still out there… you don't need to face " James Dornan and his rebound girl at the airport!" I rented a car and I have to give it back to the agency at the airport… I'll be fine…"

I go stand in front of him and put my hands around his waist… I look him in the eye and say…

" So here's what you will do… you will go to Amelia's and you will play with your kids and take them out shopping or to the amusement park or what ever… you will have a play date with your kids today and you will be happy… and you will take them back here and wait for me to come back home… I want to see them so much… will you do that for me?"

He watches me in wonder and says…

" Yeah baby, I will definitely do that…"

" and do not tell Amelia about us… let's wait for a while… Don't even mention my name… okay?"

He nods and says…

" Okay, ma'am…"

I kiss his cheeks and go out…

" Honey, you sure about this?"

Dad asks with worry… My mom and dad are sitting in dad's living room with me… I called them after I handed in my resignation and said I wanted to talk to them and I asked mom to come over … she's crying but she assured me hundreds of times that they're happy tears… dad is more worried though… I put my hand on his knee and squeeze gently…

" Yeah dad, I'm sure… they are offering me a great deal… I will be at the hospital three days a week and I will have two days to visit my patients privately in my own office… and I will be off on weekends… and the money is really good… not that I need that much money but I have to build up my life so I do need it… so yes, I am sure! And I know why you're over thinking this… I decided to take the job before I saw James… I talked to Jason and he assured me that hospital is the best and I can have lots of cases to study on there… I want this…"

He can't help it… he's my dad and it's his job to worry about me … I look at mom and she beams at me… I love this woman so much… I take both their hands and say…

" There is no amount of words enough to thank you both for the past year… you are the best parents ever… thank you so much for taking me in when I needed you… I will come visit more often, I promise that… and you have to come visit me, too!"

I hug them both… I used to hug them like this when I was a kid…

" I have to go say goodbye to uncle Pat and Jim, too… my flight back there isn't until seven p.m. So mom… can you please stay here and cook dinner? And ask Jack and Lucy to come over, too… I will be with Jim for the lunch…"

I wipe my mom's tears with my thumbs and kiss her beautiful puffy blue eyes and say…

" Enough with the water works, Mom!"

She kisses my cheeks and says…

" Okay, Darling! Bring Jim for the dinner, too!"

" I will…"

" So this is it? You're leaving? Just like that?"

His voice cracks at the last word… we came to the beach together… saying goodbye to Uncle Pat was quick and easy… he wished me the best of luck and told me to call whenever I needed an ear to listen to me… now I'm here and I have to deal with Jim… he's leaning on the hood of my car and staring at the angry waves … The weather is kind of cool… I look at his structural profile… his strong jaw and his steep nose… he is frowning and pouting… which makes me smile … he kind of looks like how James looked this morning… he's crossed his arms on his chest and he's never once looked in my eyes since I said I'm leaving… I go stand in front of him and take his head in my hands to make him look at me… when he finally does, I say…

" Yes, I am leaving… but it's for the better… the job they're offering me is all anyone can dream for… this is what I want …"

He gives me a sideways look and says...

" Is it about the money? I can give you all you want!"

I rise my brows and say…

" Hey, you don't get to talk to me like that, understand? I know you're super rich, well flash news… So am I! I may not look like it but I am pretty damn rich myself… I don't want your money… I want your friendship and if you can't give it to me anymore… I understand…"

He eyes me warily and says…

" No, that's not what I meant… it's so good to have you here, you know… you're the only person I can talk to without being afraid that I might say something that will destroy my reputation or whatever… being friends with you was the best thing that could happen to me after what I've been through… you took my hand in so many situations… you've always been there for me… I'll be an ass not to do the exact same thing for you… I'm happy for you and I really hope you and James work out … but I'm always here for you… if you want anything at all, any time… I'm here… you know that, don't you?"

I smile at his scarred face… scars from years and years of playing a cruel game… I touch the one on his chin and say…

" Yeah, I know… let's go… mom's making us dinner… it's the last dinner before I fly off to Seattle!"

He chuckles and tucks me under his left arm and starts spinning me… I squeal and grab onto his waist to steady myself… this is a very fine man… I hope he finds the one in his life…

Lucy picks up her glass and says…

" I want to propose a toast…"

Every one pick up their glasses and smile at me… she throws her right arm around me and says...

" To our brilliant young pretty and successful psychiatrist who's going to be the head of psychiatry in Seattle Press Hospital… cheers!"

" Cheers!"

She kisses my cheek and says…

" I'm so happy for you, honey! Call me if you need anything or any kind of advice on lingerie or something, okay?"

I flush at her audacity and look around… fortunately they aren't paying attention…

" Thanks, Lucy! I'll handle it…"

She rolls her eyes and says…

" Anna, there are things that you can't discuss with your mom… because it's weird and she's your mom… and of course you can't ask your dad… because you're his little girl… so you would need me… you've got my number so call me any time… okay?"

I look into her kind beautiful hazel eyes and say…

" Okay… thank you so much… it means a lot to me…"

Mom has made lasagna and some chicken salad and my favorite broth... Jack is here too… he's telling us stories about his trip to Reumont with mom a couple of months ago… the way he looks at my mom when she talks and the way he talks about her… it makes me fly… they are totally in love with each other… the same is true about my dad and Lucy… I never would have guessed a girl who's only eight years older than me would be my dad's girlfriend… but life is always unexpected… I'm so happy to see them happy… I would be more happy if they were happy together… but life doesn't always go the way we want it to… so it's best out of the worst situation…

Lucy and mom help me pack my stuff and my clothes… they give me advice on how to set my satin dark blue dress with shiny black pumps and how to use wisely of my lace underwears… God, they are going to make me kill myself… it's so embarrassing to get sexual lectures from your mom and your dad's girlfriend who by the way declares that they're having the best sex in their lives… I put my fingers in my ears and start to sing out loud… I don't want to hear about their sex life… I know they mean good but they're just embarrassing me…

" Dad, Will you sell Michelle for me?"

It takes him a moment to understand I'm referring to my car… he pulls me into a big bear hug and says…

" Of course, sweetheart! I will put the money in your bank account… and Anna this house is yours, too… so feel free to hop on a plane and fly back here any time you wanted…"

I kiss his shoulder and say…

" I know Dad, Thank you… for everything!"

I hug Jack and mom and Lucy goodbye, too! Jim said he would take me to the airport… so the goodbye with him will not be until later…

He's upgraded my ticket to first class again… they call my flight at six thirty-five and I have to go for check in… I turn around at Jim and say…

" Thanks for everything… I will text you when I land…"

He takes me into his arms and keeps me for several seconds… then he kisses beneath my ear and releases me…

" Thank you… for helping me through my crappy time… I'm always here for you… if you need help at any time, take out your phone and call me… I'll be on the first plane to Seattle and I'll come get you…"

I smile at his kind green eyes and say…

" Of course!"

They call my flight for the fourth time and I really have to go… I stand up on my toes and kiss his cheek and go…

It's almost nine o'clock when the taxi stops at my old house… the driver gets off the car to help me with my suitcase… I pay him and stand at the front yard… I take in a deep breath and walk towards the door… I knock on the door… three sharp knocks… I could ring the bell but I don't know why I didn't … after five seconds the door opens and I see him in the door frame… he's in a pair of pale blue jeans and a white button down shirt… he beams at me and says…

" Hey, welcome home!"

I smile at him… home… it's a warm word... he opens his arms, waiting for me to go to him… I take three steps and I'm there… the place I always wanted to be… he wraps his arms around me and inhales in my hair… I smell his heavenly scent… it's kind of sweet and cool… it's not his perfume or aftershave… it's him… my personal favorite smell in the whole world…

I'm in one of my cocktail dresses… it's long sleeved and dark green and the collar of the dress is black lace… it's kind of cold for this weather… James strokes my back and releases me… his sparkling gray eyes are dancing… he takes my suitcase and satchel from me and closes the door… I look around and see Dulcie and Phoebe are on the floor playing with the alphabet cubes… God! I've missed these little angels so much… Dulcie looks up and squeals…

" Annie!"

And she runs towards me… I sit down and open my arms for her… she runs to my arms and throws her little chubby arms around my neck… I kiss her angelic face over and over and she giggles the whole time… she has grown so much…

" Hey Angel, look at you! You've grown so much! The last time I saw you, you were your sister's size…"

She beams at me showing her perfect little round teeth and says…

" Yes I am big now… Daddy tell me he has a surprise… you are surprise?"

I kiss her hard on her cheeks and say…

" Yes sweetheart, I am the surprise Daddy told you about…"

She claps her little hands and says…

" Yay, I love Annie!"

My heart sinks…

" I love you, too, Darling girl!"

I look at Phoebe and see she's watching us in wonder… she obviously doesn't remember me, because she was one when I last saw her… she looks exactly like her older sister… I wave my hand for her and she smiles… oh my God! She's shy… not so much talking like Dulcie… she stands up and goes to James who's now back from the bedroom… he takes her in his arms and says…

" Hey honey, that's Annie! You don't remember her because you were so much little when you saw her… but she's Daddy's friend and she loves you a lot… she used to play with you…"

Phoebe looks at me again… I take Dulcie in my arms and stand up… I walk to James and stand in front of him… Dulcie starts to wriggle and I know she wants to be in Daddy's arms, too… James laughs and takes her… I take out my phone and take a picture of them… this is what I love… this is what I want…

" So how was your flight?"

After playing two hours with the kids and putting them to bed, we're finally talking to each other… James sips his beer and I drink my green apple flavored tea… we're sitting on the couch cross-legged next to each other staring at the rain from the glass wall in the living room…

I turn to my left so that I'm facing him… I smile at him and say…

" It was nice actually! Jim got me a first class ticket so I had no problem with my seat or anything…"

His eyebrows shoot up and then furrow…

" Well, that's so nice of him! Remember me to thank him for taking care of my girlfriend!"

I rise my brows… he sounds disapproving… I frown and say…

" Hey, he's my friend! I helped him through hell… and he did the same for me! He just wanted to be nice… he wants the best for me!"

He puts his beer down on the table and takes my empty cup and put it next to the bottle… then yanks at my hand so I'm in his arms… my heart starts beating with a frantic tune… I try to sit back but he won't let me…

" Stay here! I wanted to hold you like this all day… and thinking I can do this when you're back made me function all day… so stay where you are…"

I don't know how to feel or react… I just feel joy and rush and love… I put my head on his chest and listen to the song his heart's singing… the movement of his chest when he's breathing is soothing… I feel like I'm going to drift…

"You must be really tired… so I'm not going to bombard you with questions… Come on! Let's get you into bed!"

My whole body stiffens… and he starts laughing…

" For sleep! I'm going to put you to bed and come crash on the couch here!"

He stands up and takes me with him… my head is hurting like hell… I've been on and off the plane three times since yesterday… and I don't react well to the change in the pressure... he pulls off the duvet before I fall down onto the bed… he walks to the closet to get some covers and a pillow… I move to the side of the bed I usually sleep and say…

" Hey, can you…"

He stops and turns around… he watches me patiently… waiting for me to complete my sentence… I feel so shy suddenly… I start twisting my fingers and picking on imaginary spots on my blanket …

" Can you stay here? In the bed… with me? Just hold me?"

I can't see him but I hear his sharp inhale… he takes five steps and stops at the bed… I dare myself to look up at him… he's watching me with a huge amount of affection and love and wonder… like the way I look at Dulcie and Phoebe… I pout and turn my back to him and push my face into the pillow… I feel so shy… I never had a real boyfriend… I've never even get in bed or fall asleep beside anyone other than my mom or dad… I hear some sounds and the mattress goes down and he hugs me from back… he puts his chin on my left shoulder and kisses my throat… I roll on my side and face him… he's taken his shirt off and I love his bare chest... he moves my hair out of my face and smiles kindly at me…

" So you like cuddling! Baby, feel free to tell me what you want… I know this is all new to you… and I'm sure as hell you're not ready for anything further now… we're not in a rush… we will take our time and go step by step… you fine with that?"

I smile at him and say…

" I feel like I'm fourteen! How do people do this? How can they just trust someone and do this? I feel like … I feel so insecure and I am sort of afraid… I'm twenty nine for God's sake… but I feel like I'm a high school girl…"

I sigh heavily and roll on my back and face the ceiling…

" All my life I was fine going on without boys… I never could have trust anyone to begin a relationship or to fall for them… I know it's not like this for most of the people… for most of them it's just the sex that matters… just physical not any emotions… but I could never do that… I freaked out even thinking about sleeping with someone who I don't know… I heard my friends, girls and boys talking about the one night stands they had… I could never figure out how they did that… how people trust someone to invite them into their most private places… without even knowing them?!"

I know I'm just tired and nervous and I'm basically rambling… but he's a gentleman and he just listens patiently and strokes my hair… which is really soothing actually and I can feel that the words are beginning to fail me… I reach to a point that I can't get a feeling of what I'm saying…

" Baby, I know what you mean… we will talk about this tomorrow… fall sleep sweet Anna! I love you…"

I roll and lay my forehead on his chest and close my eyes… he throws his arms around me and says…

" Sleep tight, baby!"

I kiss his chest, right on his heart and say in Korean…

" I love you, too!"

And I fall into a sweet sleep where I'm in a meadow with James by my side…

" Hey, wake up… easy, easy… wake up… it's okay… it's fine… I'm here… I'm here… I'm here!"

James shakes me and I open my eyes terrified… I'm gasping unable to breath… he runs out of the bedroom and comes back within the seconds with a pitcher of water and a glass… he pours a glass of water and puts the pitcher down on the bedside table… he switches on the lamp and hands me the glass of water… my hands are trembling and the water spills onto the blanket… I look at it in horror… he takes the glass and strokes my hair…

" It's okay… it doesn't matter… come on, let me help you drink this…"

He puts his right hand behind my head and puts the glass on my lips and tips my head a little… I drink the water and begin to feel a little comfortable… he takes the glass and put it next to the pitcher… he continues moving his fingers through my hair… like combing through my hair and it's really soothing… my breathing is still ragged… he sits by myside all sleepy hair and wide eyes… I bring up my right hand and touch his face… he looks real… he feels real… he leans his face to my touch and takes my hand and kisses my palm… his eyes search my face and says…

" You okay? Need anything?"

I shake my head and stare at him… he takes my head in his hands and runs his thumbs through my cheeks… I haven't realized I was crying… he dips his head and kisses my tears then my eyes and my face … he kisses me chastely on my lips and says…

" Anna, it's fine… it was just a bad dream… you're okay… I got you… I'm here…"

My lips tremble and I throw my arms around his neck and cling onto him… he's taken aback by my attack but he hugs me hard… crashing me into his body… after I don't know how many minutes of weeping into his neck, I'm all cried out… he moves slowly so that he's leaning on the headboard of the bed and I'm still clinging onto him… he croons me, moving his hand up and down my back… he doesn't say anything… after some minutes I move away from him and watch his beautiful horrified and worried gray eyes… I touch his face again… to feel that he really is real… I don't want to talk… I'm exhausted and I need to sleep… I put my hands on his shoulders and he lies on his back on the bed... after switching off the lamp, I put my head on his chest and take his arms and wrap them around me… he hugs me hard and continues his soothing movements of his fingers on my back… as much as I'm panicking that I might have a nightmare again, I am dog-tired so I close my eyes and go to sleep…

I feel so warm… I hate it when I'm warm… I try to move and find a cool spot but I can't move… I'm stuck… my eyes spring open and I realize why I can't move… I'm in James arms… his head is on my chest and he's pinning me down with his torso… his arms are wrapped around my belly and his legs are tangled with mine… I can't move my left arm but my right arm is free… I bring up my hand to run my fingers through James's soft golden hair… he moves his head slightly and mumbles something… but doesn't wake up… I don't know how many times I fantasized waking up with James by my side… but they don't matter now… I'm having him in my bed now and it's far so much better than what I thought it would be… I take a deep breath and seize the moment… his body stirs and he looks at me sleepily and lost… I smile at his confused face run my fingers through his tousled hair…

" Good morning, Mr. Dornan! Slept well?"

He gives me a breathtaking smile and says…

" Good morning yourself, Dr. Pritchett! I haven't slept like this in years…"

I give him an ear to ear grin and say…

" Good, because the kids will be up soon! And I'll appreciate it if you let me go! I need to shower…"

He moves so that he's hovering on top of me… he's put his weight on his elbows on either side of my head… I stare at him wide eyed and say…

" Whoa! What are you doing?"

He gives me a lopsided grin and says…

" It's only seven A.M. I know my kids they sleep at least until eight which gives us one long sweet hour… we should use it wisely!"

I swallow hard and suddenly my whole body tightens… I bite my lip and close my eyes trying to get my breathing under control… I don't know why but by some reason I'm scared… I wanted this since ten years ago… but I don't know what I'm afraid of… suddenly he starts laughing… my eyes spring open and I'm speechless… is he a maniac or something? I should run some tests on him… I can have a field day with that... he moves again and takes me in his arms and crashes me into his chest…

" God, your innocence is so sobering…"

He takes my chin with his thumb and forefinger and tips my head...

" Baby, I was messing with you… of course I'm not going to do it like this… I will to take you on a date… tomorrow night… we will celebrate your new job and us… and we will come back to the house … and we will have some fun… I told you last night, step by step… we're going to take one step at a time… there's no rush… I'm not going anywhere and you're here so we're going to take our time…"

I let my breath out and visibly relax… I haven't noticed I was holding my breath… I smile at his glowing face and after putting a kiss on his well-shaped chin and get out of the bed and go take a shower…

It was a really nice ten minute shower… I washed all the plane scent that has been on me… I put on my bathrobe and come out… James is not in the bedroom but I hear the music so I know he's probably making breakfast… I put on one of the many sets of sexy underwears my mom has purchased for me… it's black lace… I can't even look at my self in the mirror… I yank on a pair of black sports sweatpants and a loose white v neck T-shirt… after brushing my hair I try to subdue it with a clip… but it's no use… I sigh and let it fall around my face… at least I try to make it into a performable shape… I go out and see the cutest scene in my life… James has both of his daughters in his arms and he's dancing around with the music in the kitchen … I love to see him with them and see how much he loves and cares about his kids… my heart constricts that he can't have them always here… I still can't believe he's divorced… Dulcie catches my eye and squeals…

" Goo monin, Annie! You are pretty…"

I laugh at her comment and realize whatever has changed, this hasn't… I take three long strides towards them and take her from her Daddy… she willingly comes to my welcoming arms and taking my head in her little chubby hands, she kisses my cheek with her sweet wet little lips… oh God! This feels divine… the way I feel about these girls… it's like their my own children … I never felt like this about Jason's daughter or my other friends' kids… it's only these two that are playing with my heart like this… James is looking at us with love flooding in his eyes… he has taken a shower and he smells mighty fine… I smile at him and say…

" You really are going to spoil me by making breakfast every day…"

He dips his head put a soft kiss on the tip of my nose and says…

" I love spoiling you… that's my job actually…"

I put Dulcie on the counter top and go to get a bowel of cereal for her…

" Hey, Dulcie… do you still want warm milk in your cereal?"

" Yes, Annie! I love you a lot…"

My heart skips a beat and starts pounding like crazy… I put the bowl and cereal on the cabinet and go to her and crash her into my chest… I close my eyes and savor her sweet and innocent scent… I heard " I love you" from lots of people… but hearing it from this little girl was the best one I've ever heard from anyone…

" I love you, too, beautiful darling girl!"

She wriggles in my arms and I realize I've been pressing her so hard… I let release her and kiss her angelic face… James puts Phoebe on the counter, too… across from Dulcie… they start playing with each other instantly… I put a bowl of cereal for each of them… it was only last year that I had to trick Phoebe into taking the bottle of powder milk… time flies by so soon… after toasting the breads and putting out the plates I sit on the bar stool and wait for James to serve the Chef's Specials… he's so radiant… I don't know what it is that made him this happy, but I hope he remains like this… he puts fried eggs and bacons and pancakes in my plate and his… and some boiled eggs for the kids… I feel so hungry so I dig in…

" You know, I loved boiled eggs when I was a kid… my dad used to keep at least ten boiled eggs in the fridge for me… it was like a candy bar for me… in fact I didn't like candy when I was little… it was like I was crying crazy one minute and he gave me a boiled egg and I stopped…"

I say eating my perfect breakfast made by my perfect boyfriend… wait! Is he my boyfriend? Hmmm… we're practically living together… and last night he called me his girlfriend… so he is! He cracks one of the eggs and give it to me… I take it from him and beam at him… he laughs out loud and says…

" you still got it!"

" Daddy, me!"

Both girls say at the same time… apparently they have finished eating their cereals… they're so much like their daddy… they don't talk while they're eating… I give mine to Phoebe and James cracks another one for Dulcie… they start nibbling and beam at each other…

" looking at these little angels makes me want to die… the amount of love I feel for them is so much… I've never felt like this before…"

Blinking my tears away, I take my orange juice and start drinking… he throws his right arm around me and says…

" Baby, I feel the same way… that's because they're my kids and I'm their dad… you feel like this because you love them… like your own kids…"

I lay my head on his shoulder and say…

" Yes, I do feel like they're my own kids..."

He kisses at the top of my head and says…

" I'm glad you do…"

James is out… after playing with Denise for about four hours and eating the lunch I made after a year in this house and bathing the kids after lunch together and having lots of fun, he took the kids back to their mother's at four in the afternoon… I hope they don't mention me to their mother… she's going to go postal again if she realizes I'm back… I like her and I don't want her to get hurt…

Walking around the house I realize how much I missed my own house… the lid on the piano is up… I sit on the bench and check the keys… they're perfectly tuned... so James has been playing it… I close my eyes and think about the last time I played on this piano… the one in my dad's place is for when I was a kid… I started playing piano since I was five… we had this old rusty piano in the basement and I used to go play with its keys when I was little… I liked the sound it made when I pressed my fingers on the white keys… one day my dad heard me and came and ask me if I wanted to learn how to really play this thing… I was so happy when he said that… he took me a piano teacher… Mrs. Smith was a cute pretty middle-aged woman who came to our house two times a week to teach me how to play this shiny pretty white piano my dad got me for my fifth birthday… I smile at the memory of her… my size was bigger than the other kids of my age and my mother taught me how to read and write by the time I was four and I was so tall for my age… so she thought I was eight or nine… well this happens when your father is six feet two… and apparently Bella, my birth mother was a model and she was tall too!

I hear the car engines outside the house and go check out the window… James is back and he's feeling kind of blue… I know that not being with her kids is a big deal for him… and I hate to think this has something to do with me… I open the door before he knocks and smile at his sad face… he lightens up and comes in wrapping his arms around my waist… he starts kissing me… it starts so smooth and easy at first but his lips grow more fierce as the seconds tick by… he closes the door behind him with his left leg and lifts me in his arms without breaking our connection… I don't know what happened to him out there or what became of him but I like being kissed like this… he moves to the couch and lays me down on it… moving his lips to my throat, he starts to kiss his way down to my clavicle… his lips make my body tingle and my whole body tightens at his touch… he moves up again and starts putting feather like kisses on my face… my chin... jaw… cheeks… nose… eyes… forehead … and he starts kissing my lips again…

" You. Look. So. Beautiful…"

He says between kisses… then he lays on top of me and looks down at my eyes… I watch him wide eyed and surprised…

" What happened?"

He moves his fingers down my face to my throat and then to my shoulder and touches one of the straps of my top… Lucy has bought this for me a couple of months ago and she said it will make me look irresistible… well I have to call and thank her for that…

" This top looks so good on you… and I like your jeans, too!"

Then he moves taking me with him that he's lying beneath me and I'm lying on his chest… I move my fingers on his chest… he has a really nice body… we lay still for a few minutes to catch our breaths… I listen to his heart beating crazy… I write my name on his chest right on his heart… he takes my hand and kisses my fingers…

" You are in my heart, Anna! You won't need to write it down on my heart …"

I put my chin on his chest and look up at him… he smiles kindly at me and says…

" when did you get this top?"

" Lucy, my dad's girlfriend has picked it out for me… she said it suits me…"

" Well, I should call and thank her for that I think…"

He moves his index finger down the straps and he stops at the top of my breasts… I stop breathing… he brings his hand up and cups my chin… he runs his thumb on my parted lips and says…

" As much as I want to fill you up right now I know you're not ready for that yet so we're going to stop now…"

I sit up and stare at him wide eyed and open mouth… he has no shame!

" James Dornan! You literally have no shame at all!"

He chuckles and says…

" Shame of what? You're my girlfriend… It gives me the ability to tell you these kind of things… and you can't be like that when you look like this! You look so distracting right now…"

He sits up and says…

" I'm famished… let's eat dinner… what are we having, by the way?"

I shrug and say…

" I haven't cooked anything… unless you want to eat the leftovers from lunch…"

He shakes his head and says…

" We're ordering pizza, then!"


	22. Chapter 22

It is my first day in the hospital… I wore my dark navy pant suit which gives me confidence… apparently there are some of my colleagues who don't like me… but I'm ok with it… today before coming here I contacted Margaret, she cried a whole lot and said she would get on with my schedule… she saved my office… I got my practice back so I can have my office again… there's a sharp knock at the door...

" Come in!"

A short red haired girl with large round glasses comes in and gives me the cutest smile I've ever seen… she's wearing a loose deep red button down sweater and a knee length khaki skirt with short black booties… I think she might be in her early twenties or something… I smile at her weird fashion style and say…

" Hey, how can I help you?"

She flushes and says…

" My name is Dakota West… I'm your assistant and I'm here to check your schedule for this month..."

Well, this day keeps getting better and better… I ask her to sit down so we can go through with it… after that I go around checking on the ward and the patients… there are lots of patients with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders and even better… there are some DID (Dissociative Identity disorder) patients…

By the time it's four o'clock James texts me and reminds me of our date tonight… I feel so excited about it… we used to go out in a group for drinks or dinner or lunch... and he's come to my house like gazillions of times and we ate together… but this is different… he's taking me to a fancy restaurant… and I think tonight might be the night for us… the phone on my table rings… I pick it up…

" Hello?"

" Dr. Pritchett, you have a visitor… Mrs. Warner…"

Her name is familiar but I don't know where exactly I heard it… I tell Dakota to let her in and put a polite smile on my face and look at the door… the door opens and my face falls… now I know where I heard the name…

" Amelia! What are you doing here?"

She comes in and closes the door behind her… taking five steps, she sits at the nearest armchair in front of me and says…

" I would say it's nice to see you again, but that would be the biggest lie of the year… I see that you're back… and you're seeing my husband!"

I feel like I've gone into a pool of cold water… I can't breathe well…

" Your _ex_ -husband! And yes I came back because I was offered this job… and the first day I'm back I hear you two got divorced and what's worse, it was your idea!"

She shoots a venomous look at me and says…

" You know nothing, Anna!"

Well that's my cue… I stand up and go round the table and sit on the edge of it…

" Well, I would be more than happy if you enlightened me… I left Amelia! I left my job… my house… my friends… I left everything and I left… I not only left the town, but also I moved to another state… I detached all my connections to James… I left because I didn't want to ruin your marriage… the moment I realized how much I really cared about him, I got on a plane and fled… so why on earth did you do some bizarre thing like this? Why did you rip your family apart?"

I cross my arms on my chest and watch her waiting for her answer… she shakes her head and says…

"Yeah, you did leave… but when you left Jamie wasn't himself anymore… he was James but he really wasn't… he acted normally and did everything in an order… but it was like he was turned into a robot… he did his part as being a parent but as a husband, he was pretty screwed… he wasn't much of talkative but he became worse… he used to be a fun guy and he always was when he was around the kids… but that was it… he was beginning to die inside… he would always get into bed with me and all… but it was like he wasn't there… he never picked up a fight or lay a finger on me or did anything to diminish our marriage…"

She wipes her tears with the tissue I give her…

" but Anna, what do you make of it when you're husband comes from his friends' gathering and he's drunk and he suddenly starts crying, sobbing into his hands… about the fact that how much he misses his _friend_ … and how her absence had been so conspicuous in their gathering…"

She looks up into my eyes and I don't really know what's going on… I can't feel a thing…

" I asked him if he was having an affair with you… but he said there was nothing going on between you two… and every day I wished that there was… then you would have stayed and Jamie would have been happier… but I could see that he was just holding up… I love him and I couldn't see him like that anymore… we did marriage counseling but it was useless... at least I learnt something… I was selfish and I wanted him to stand by me even when he was having a hard time himself… I justified myself that I am doing this for my kids but it wasn't that… I couldn't keep torturing him like that anymore… so I let him go… I had to start the divorce progress because he wouldn't do that in a million years… so I had to do it... I love him so much… so I had to be the bigger person and step back… I thought he would run to you exactly after our divorce… but he didn't… for four months he didn't… I was feeling like an idiot… but he was getting better… he became fun and happy again…"

She stands up and says…

"I heard that you're back from Dulcie… she loves you so much… I won't say how much I dislike that fact but it's true… I looked you up and came to the knowledge that you are so popular… so I came here to tell you something… I gave up on my marriage for Jamie to be happy… and I'm here to threaten you… if I see he isn't happy, I'm going to tear you down…"

I am totally speechless… she shakes her head and says…

" Why didn't you sleep with him? I know you had lots of chances, so why didn't you do that?"

I frown and say…

" What do you mean? I never wanted this to happen… that's why I left!"

" I spent every day thinking that maybe he wouldn't be so hung up on you if you had slept together… maybe he could let go that way… seems like you leaving everything and flee from the state didn't do any good for our marriage at all…"

She strides to the door and goes out… leaving me in a deep ocean of self doubting and resentment… I did this… I tore them apart…

I arrive home at six thirty… my head is still fuzzy and I can't wrap my head around what happened today… _I must not cry… I must not cry… I must not cry…_ I keep repeating this mantra in my head… I have a date tonight with the love of my life… after all this waiting I'm going to go on a date with him, so I close the Amelia drawer in my head and focus on the matter at hand…

He phoned me and said he will pick me up at seven thirty, so that gives me an hour to take a shower and get ready… I have chosen the dress I'm going to wear… it's a knit sleeveless knee length dark gray turtleneck dress… I bought it when I was out shopping with Jim for camping… he said it suits me so I bought it… I never got a chance to wear it… I take a quick shower and sit in front the mirror in my bathrobe and start on my makeup… I focus on the foundation… I don't want anything flashy for tonight… I chose one of the many flashy underwears that I own thanks to mom and Lucy… it's black lace and so sexy… I flush and try not to look in the mirror… I yank on my thigh high boots and wear my dress… I check on my watch and see it's seven fifteen… I have fifteen more minutes… I dry my hair with the blow dryer and decide to let it fall around my face down to my shoulders… I look at my face in the mirror and smile at my reflection… I look perfect, everything's at the level it should be… taking my long black leather jacket, I go to the kitchen and decide to drink a cup of my favorite peach flavored tea in the remaining time…

The minutes go by and my heart rate is through the roof… I am breathing frantically and I don't seem to be able to control it… I try to focus on the sound of the clock… every three seconds I take a breath… it calms me down a little bit… I check out my watch and hear the door bell at the same time… exactly at seven thirty… I put on my jacket and let it open. Taking my purse I go to the door… my fingers are sloppy on the door handle… I take in a deep breath and open the door… and he's there…

He is in a nicely fitted knit gray sweater that's showing his well shaped pectorals and black jeans hugging his long legs… and he's wearing a black leather coat… I search his face and find that he's every as bit excited as I am… his beautiful gray eyes are dancing with love and joy and he's looking at me with so much affection that I'm so close to swoon... he has his breathtaking smile on his perfectly sculptured mouth… I give him a smile and bite down on my lip…

" Hey, you're look stunningly beautiful, Anna!"

He kisses my cheek and takes my hand…

"Let's go… we have reservations at eight…"

I follow him and can't keep the stupid grin out of my face… I'm going on a Date with James Dornan… Finally!

We both have been quiet all the way to the restaurant… I'm so stressed out… I hope we don't face any paparazzi or press because I don't want to be the evil bitch who broke up a marriage and I know if we go to a public place women are going to be all over James… but I keep quiet… I look into the dark night and focus on my breathing… he takes my left hand from my lap and kisses my knuckles… he smiles at me and says…

" Stop it!"

My burrows furrow and I watch him quizzically…

" Stop over thinking… not about this… not about us!"

He grazes his thumb over my knuckles and says…

" I know you're worried about press and going public… I reserved a private room in that hotel restaurant… so there's no need to worry!"

How does he do that? How can he say what I'm thinking about?

" I know what you're thinking about because…"

I stop breathing and gape at him… is he really able to read my mind?

" Anna, Dear! You're face is like an open book to your thoughts… it's like they're written with flash neon on your forehead… I don't need mind reading abilities to tell that you're worried… and that something is eating at you... I know you won't tell me now, even if I ask… but I'm all ears whenever you're ready to talk about it… now let's go eat… I'll get your door!"

He stops the car and strolls around it to open my door and holds out his hand for me… I take his hand and get out of the car… well, we're at Fairmont Olympic Hotel… one of the Seattle's most classy hotels… a valet comes and takes the car keys and gives James a card… the men standing at the door open it for us and we go inside… a tall blonde girl comes and with a big fake smile on her face says…

" Welcome, Mr. Dornan, Ma'am… your room is ready… may I take your coats?"

I shrug out of my jacket and hand it to her but James keeps his on… she gives us another fake smile and leads the way… James takes my hand again and we follow the girl… she sashays through the hall and opens a door and steps away…

" This is your room… enjoy your dinner…"

James smiles at her and hands her a great amount of tip… I look at him and rise my brows… he smiles and holds out his hand to the door for me and says…

" After you, Dr. Pritchett!"

I laugh at the way he pronounces my name… I love his accent… I shake my head and go inside the room… it's a spacious room, maybe approximately three hundred square feet or so... the walls are painted rose red and there are beautiful paintings of specific landscapes hung on the walls… the one with the dusk at the sea catches my eyes… it looks so real that I think it's a photo at first...

The decoration of the room is kind of exquisite… the ceiling is so high and there's a purple crystal chandelier hung from it… there's a deep brown rectangular shaped table in the center of the room… James walks towards the table and takes out a chair for me and says…

" Here baby, sit down!"

Will I ever get used to this? Every time someone does this for me I am surprised… I put on the polite smile I've got for my first dates and walk gracefully towards him… I sit down and he sits on the chair next to me… my eyebrows shoot up and I say…

" I thought you're going to sit in front of me…"

He gives me his crooked smile and says…

" No, because I want to be able to touch your hand whenever I want… I still can't believe this is real!"

I laugh at the impossibility of the thing he's saying…

" well, ditto Mr. Dornan!"

A tall brown haired waitress knocks and comes in all big boobs and big hips strolling towards us with a big flashy smile on her face watching James ...

" Hello, my name is Alexandria Kuban… I'm going to be your waiter for tonight… are you ready to order?"

She takes out her iPad and touches the screen… she hasn't even acknowledge that I exist for one second… James puts his hand on mine… he does it like a habit… like we used to be like this for years… he runs his thumb over my knuckles and says…

" What do you want to eat, Anna?"

He says with his eyes fixed on my face so she's forced to look at me… I scan the menu and say…

" I will have grill lamb ribs… and a glass of lemon soda..."

Alexandria touches her iPad a couple of times and smiles at James who eyes me playfully and says…

" I'll have the chef's special… and a bottle of champagne please…"

She beams at him and says…

" Coming right up, Sir!"

He gives her a polite smile and nods…

" it's our first official date… we should have a drink…"

I put my hands on the table and lean back in my chair…

" Well, my capacity for alcohol is still at a low level… so I'll just have a glass, and you can't have more… because you're driving…"

He shakes his head and says…

" Baby, no wise talking for now… we are on a date… show me how you are on a date!"

Well, I really have no idea what to say… I shrug and pick up the salt shaker and start spinning it in my hands…

" Well, I'm actually not really good at dates… I mostly talk about my work on my first dates and how I am a successful person in my life… but nobody likes me … I think they find me intimidating and that's why I never get any second dates… or at least that's what I keep telling myself…"

He takes the salt shaker from me and takes my hands…

" Sweetheart, you are in fact quite intimidating and impressive… they find you intimidating because they should… I was intimidated when I first met you at your office… it's a known fact among the guys…"

I look at him and say...

" I know that… and I like it somehow… it gives me strength and helps me to put some space between myself and the others… but what is it about me that scares the hell out of people sometimes?"

He tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear and says…

" There are certain things… but mostly there is the fact that you're tall… nearly as tall as me and you know that and you like it… so you walk tall and confident with your chin up… and you put on a cold mask on your face… those who don't know you will crap themselves when you come near them… I find it sexy though!"

I laugh at his comment and say…

" Oh, Mr. Dornan! So eager for getting into my pants, aren't you?"

He grins wickedly and says…

"Well, that's every healthy straight man's wish... me included!"

I punch his arm and say…

" God! I can kick your ass right now!"

He laughs out loud and says…

" Only you can talk about kicking my ass in our first date! This is supposed to be romantic!"

He sounds a little bit disappointed... I bite down on my lip and say…

" It's hard, you know? I've always been like this with you… I like the way things are with us… I don't want to be forced to act like someone I'm not… I am a romantic but in my own way…"

Alexandria comes in with a trolley of our food and drinks… basically ruining our moment… James keeps my right hand in his left… and waits patiently for the girl to put our dishes on the table for us… she opens the bottle of champagne with the corkscrew and pours into our glasses… well she's good at this… maybe she knows what she's doing after all… she puts on her ear to ear smile for James and says…

" Will that be all, Sir?"

I roll my eyes at her failing attempt to not see me… James looks at me and says…

" Do you need anything else, Anna ?"

" No, thanks!"

She nods and leaves the room… James takes his glass and raise it…

" To us… wish we have a good life together…"

I pick up my glass and clink it to his…

" To us… cheers…"

He winks at me and drinks his champagne… I take a sip and put it down... we start eating without saying another word… I'm famished... I haven't had the chance to eat all day… I want to fill my mouth with as much meat as I can but I don't want to do that on our first date… I take a look at James's food, there is chicken cordon bleu on his plate… a cup of brown rice and a couple of asparagus sticks and carrots with five grilled shrimps served with BBQ sauce… he also has some fries on his plate… I try not to drool over his fries and stick to my own lamb ribs which is life threateningly delicious…

" Oh, these lamb ribs are so good! I would marry them if I could…"

James chokes on his rice… I gently pat his back and say…

" Hey, you okay? Okay, I won't marry the lamb ribs… Don't die please…"

I give him my soda and he takes a sip… I continue patting his back until he takes my hand and says…

" I'm okay… I'm fine…"

I give him an impish smile and say…

" you're that surprised, eh?"

He gives me a sideways look and says…

" Don't mess with me, Dr. Pritchett … it will get ugly…"

I take one his fries and soak it in the sauce… I stare into his eyes and put it in my mouth… he rises a brow and says…

" Are you flirting with me, Dr. Pritchett?"

I rise my brows and widen my eyes, feigning innocence… I shrug and say…

" No I'm just eating some French fries… that's all!"

I take another one and soak it in sauce and put it in my mouth… he takes me by surprise… grasp my chin in his grip and starts kissing me wildly… he hasn't kissed me like this before… I open my mouth and try my best to reciprocate and fail instantly… his tongue invades my mouth and takes my fries… and tugs at my lower lip and leaves me breathless… he licks his lips and says…

" Well, it certainly tastes so much better from your mouth…"

I flush and stare at him wide eyed and remain speechless… that was… well, that was hell of a kiss… I press my lips together and stifle my smile… picking up my glass, I take a sip of champagne and say…

" I'm sure it does… I didn't know we were going to put on a show for tonight…"

I point at the camera in the corner of the ceiling… he looks at it and says…

" that's off… they usually turn the cameras off for their VIP guests... one of the guys banged his girlfriend right here on this floor…"

I stare at him in disbelief and say…

" You're kidding!"

He looks serious… shit! It's so hot and inappropriate… I look at the carpet under my feet… it's plain red and it has a big rose knitted in its middle… I squirm at the thought of lying here with James… I shoot a pointed look at him and say…

" You're not going to do that, are you?"

He chuckles and says…

" No baby, here is not the place I want to have sex with you for the first time… maybe next time we come here!"

I swallow hard and stare at my food… I don't know why all of a sudden I feel so shy… I pick up my knife and fork and get back on eating my delicious lamb ribs… I close my eyes and moan… I take another piece and moan again…

" is it really that good?"

James takes a bite and chews speculatively on it…

"This is really good… you knew about this before you ordered it, didn't you?"

I shrug and say…

" Maggie once told me lamb ribs here are the best… she came here mostly with Daniel… I always wanted to try it… but then I left and never got a chance…"

I take a deep breath and shake my head… his eyes darkens a bit but he pulls it together and tightens his eyes… he takes my fork and knife and cuts a piece…

" Open your mouth…"

I raise my brows and say…

" You want to feed me?"

He gives a wicked grin and says…

" You'll see… open wide…"

I open my mouth and he puts the meat in my mouth… I start chewing looking into his eyes… he grasps my chin and starts kissing me… now I get his game… he takes a piece of the meat from my mouth with his tongue and releases me… I swallow and shake my head at him… this feels so dirty and wrong… but sure as hell hot… he swallows and puts a sweet soft kiss on my lips…

" It tastes better this way…"

I bite down on my lip and laugh at him… God! I love this man…

" You're so dirty… I never knew!"

He eats one of his fries and says…

" Of course you didn't… I don't go around and kiss my friends… although I sometimes wanted to kiss you when you were eating pizza with your mouth full… you look so adorable like that…"

I laugh and say…

" Please don't remind me… it's a shame… you know… it feels weird… I've always been so relaxed around you… I didn't feel that I needed to put up a charade of being a lady when I was with you… I don't know how to react right now… I feel like I should act lady like now that we're kind of in a relationship but I want to be myself with you and it hurts that I can't be like that… and I also hate acting like that… I'm so confused and worried…"

He takes my hand and says…

" Sweetheart, Act however you want… It doesn't matter to me… I love you… I've seen you in every possible situation… I walked in on you a hundred times… so it really doesn't matter to me how you act around me… because I fell in love with you… with the girl who fills her mouth with as much pizza as she can so that she can't breathe… because you are so carefree and happy all the time… I fell in love with you just the way you are… so I don't want you to change yourself for me… "

I smile and say…

" I'm so happy to hear that… thank you!"

He kisses my hand and we go back to eating our food…

We are both quiet on the way back home… I feel a little light headed from the three glasses of champagne I had with my dinner… I take a deep breath and look at James's graceful profile… he's looking ahead through the windshield to the night… I smile looking at his lips… the way he kissed me tonight… I never had a real boyfriend… all my relationships ended in a week or at most a month… and I never let anyone get this much near me… the way he looked at me made me feel sexy tonight… he looks at me and smiles… he picks up my left hand from my lap and gently kisses at the back of my hand…

We're home… he parks the car and says… He gets out of the car and opens my door… I take his hand and get out of the car… he tightens his grip around my hand and hugs me… he kisses my forehead and says…

" Welcome home, my dear sweet Anna!"

I inhale deeply and give him an ear to ear smile… we walk through the garden door and Denise comes out of her cottage to greet us… James opens the door and steps aside…

" After you…"

I smile nervously at him and go inside… he comes in, flicks the light switch and closes the door behind him… I look around and feel awkward … this is my own house but why I feel like I don't know this place?

" Do you want a drink?"

James calls from the kitchen… he's so at ease… like he always is…

" I want some tea… I'll come get myself…"

He smiles and says…

" I knew you would want that… I already turned the kettle on… come sit down…"

I take off my jacket and go sit on one of the bar stools and take out my phone to check on my messages while he's fixing us some tea…

" What flavor?"

" Strawberry, please!"

He raises his brows and says…

" We don't have that flavor!"

I think a little and remember the last time I had strawberry flavored tea was with Jim… I wanted to get some here but I forgot…

" Yeah, you're right! We have peach though, don't we?"

He looks in the cabinet and says…

" Yes, we do!"

I feel a little better… it feels like home now… us talking about which flavor of tea we want to have… he always finds a way to calm me down… I look at my phone and see I have three emails… first one's from my mom, she wants to know how things are going and she's so happy for me… she also wrote a list of things I need to get in order to look sexy all the time… I roll my eyes at her message and hit reply and reassure her that everything is fine and it's going smoothly here… and that I don't need to look super hot for James… he knows me better…

There's another one from my dad asking me how was my first day at work… I leave that for later… I have to call him and tell him everything in details… and the last one is from Jim… he says he misses me and that Bob is getting married… he proposed to his girlfriend after eight years… and they're going to get married on Valentine's day… he says I'm invited and that I can bring my boyfriend or whatever James is for me… the last sentence he wrote makes me teary…"Just tell me one thing, Anna! Are you happy? Does he make you happy?"

" What are you looking at?"

I swallow hard and blink my tears away… I smile at him and take the cup of tea from him… he sits in front of me and says…

" Is everything okay?"

I nod and try to smile at ease and say…

" Yes, it's fine… thanks for the tea…"

He smiles and says…

"You're most welcome... so how was your first day at work?"

Him asking this question reminds me of Amelia barging into my office… I stare at my hands around the cup and say…

" It was good… I don't think my colleagues like me… they are all like a team and they find me intimidating… it takes time for them to trust me…"

I try to focus on the other parts of my day apart from Amelia … he takes my hand and says…

" Hey, they will love you… everybody falls in love with you once they get to know you… it's only a matter of time…"

I look up at his kind eyes and smile… I really feel like home now… I drink up my tea and look at James's face… I just gawk at him… how many times I thought I would give up everything so I could sit with him and look at his face? There were countless moments I suppose… but here I am, and I didn't have to give up anything and he's here with me… he stares into my eyes smiling… like he really knows how I'm feeling and he feels the same way… he stands up and comes around the breakfast bar and stands next to me… yanking on my hand, he makes me stand up so I'm face to face with him… I'm nearly as tall as him but with heels we're the same height so we are eye to eye… he touches my face with his knuckles, moving his hand from my cheek to my jaw… my skin prickles on his touch… I lean to his touch and look into his eyes… he comes near me, puts his left hand at the small of my back, pushing me toward him so my body is pressed to his… I gasp at his touch… everything feels so intense… he leans on me and moves his nose up and down my jaw… I close my eyes and try not to push him away and run into the bathroom and lock myself in… I feel so shy… he starts with small kisses on my face from my temples down to the sides of my face and the corner of my mouth… I open my eyes and see he's biting his lip, looking at my lips… he's eyes spring up to mine and he gives me a breathtaking smile…

" I love you Anna, so much!"

I can't take it anymore… I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him hard… he's taken aback but he answers me instantly… he groans and opens my mouth with his tongue… his fingers run through my hair and I claw on his back… he moves his hand down my body to my behind… caressing and kneading on their way... he moves his lips down to my neck starts kissing and nipping… I move my head back to give him better access to my throat… this all feels so incredibly good… my conversation with Amelia earlier today chooses now to come and hunt me… my eyes spring open and I push him away… but he's so strong, I can't move him…

" James stop!"

He continues kissing me, his lips move up to my face…

" what's wrong? You don't like me kissing you? I know you do, so what is it?"

He moves his hands to my breasts and caresses them slightly… I moan loudly… I'm so sensitive on them… he tugs at my lower lip and says…

" Yeah, baby… feel it!"

I throw my head back and surrender to his skillful hands… oh the way he makes me feel… he moves his right hand to the zipper of my dress at my back… I open my eyes and say…

" No James! Stop!"

He eyes me warily and says…

" What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

I shake my head and say…

" No, you didn't!"

He puts his hand under my chin, forces me to look into his eyes… he frowns and says...

" Then, what's the problem? You don't want me?"

Oh God! He sounds hurt… I put my hands on either sides of his face and say…

" No, Sweetie! I want this… I want this so bad… but not tonight!"

His frown deepens and says…

" So you do want me?"

I nod and say…

" More than anything… but not tonight! Please… can we just go to bed and sleep?"

He nods and doesn't say anything… he doesn't press me for answers… he's more of a gentleman to do so… we just go to the bedroom… I change my dress with my sweats and wipe my makeup while he's in the shower… I feel terrible for turning him down like this… but I really can't sleep with him tonight… not today after his ex-wife telling me the only reason he was so hung up on me was because he didn't get to sleep with me… I go lie on the bed waiting for him… but I'm more tired than I think so the moment my head touches the pillow I fall sleep…

I wake up with a gasp… I start gasping for air… I didn't scream this time… just woke up… I look at the clock, it's two twenty five… James is fast asleep next to me… he's on his back with his arms wide open… his mouth is open slightly and I can hear his breathing through his lips… there's a slight frown on his forehead… I detest myself… how could I do this? How could I break up a family like this? My tears start running down my face… I know I'm going to start sobbing so I get out of bed and go out of the bedroom… I go out into the balcony and start crying out loud… I cry until my chest hurts… it's burning… I can't breathe but I can't stop it… how could I do this? I left but it didn't do any good… what the hell was that? I need to talk to someone… Jim maybe or Uncle Pat… but it's too late…

" Hey, what's wrong? Why are you doing out here?"

I turn around and see James through my puffy eyes… he frowns seeing my face and comes near me… putting his arms around my body, he says…

" Baby, what's wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

I shake my head unable to talk… he looks around into the night and says…

" Let's go inside, shall we? It's freezing cold out here! You're going to catch a cold!"

I now realize he's only in his navy sweatpants with nothing on his upper body… I put my hands on his bare chest and say…

" why did you come out here like this? Let's go inside…"

Yanking on his hand, I go inside and close the door behind me… he puts his hands on either sides of my face and says…

" Baby what's wrong? What happened to you today? What aren't you telling me?"

I look into his dear eyes and put a soft chaste kiss on his lips and say…

" I wish you were just my friend… I could tell you then…"

" I am your friend, Anna!"

I step away from him and go to the kitchen… I bring out an apple juice for myself and hand him a beer… he takes it from me and says…

"Anna, I _am_ your friend, I've always been… so tell me… what's going on?"

I sit on a stool and take a sip of my juice and say…

" No James, you're my boyfriend… that's different!"

He comes and sits next to me… taking my hand in his big warm hands, he says…

"This can work both ways, Anna! You can tell me things… I am your friend… so spill the beans…"

I look at him and say…

" Can you put your feelings away for ten minutes? Just be my friend so that I can tell you… can you do that?"

He nods and watches me patiently… I take another sip and stare at my piano and say…

" I fell in love with an incredible man over a year ago… he was a friend who became my best friend over time… he was perfect in every way… but he was married to this incredibly beautiful woman… and they had these two beautiful girls who I adore… I don't know how it started but it did… and I had no idea what this could turn into… it reached to a point that I couldn't take it anymore… my feelings for him were so much more than I ever thought… and it was even worse… he had feelings for me too… it's one thing to have feelings for a married man but having him feel the same way about you is a disaster… it's a red line… it's a siren for home wrecker… so I left… I left everything, my job, my house, my friends… I left my life behind and went away… I not only left the town, but also left the state… I left to give him space… to let him forget about me and get on with his life like I never existed… I did all these things and…"

I take in a deep shuddering breath and say…

"His ex-wife came my office today…"

He tightens his grip around my hand, but remains silent…

"She said some no nice things to me… I don't remember exactly what she said… but mainly she said that me leaving wasn't the best thing I could have done… and she said she wished that I had stayed and had an affair with her husband … and that the only reason he was so hung up on me when I left was merely for the fact that he didn't get the chance to sleep with me…"

My voice breaks at the last word… I drink up my juice and close my eyes to fight the growing pain in my chest… Does MI feel like this?

He throws his arms around me and doesn't say anything… he knows I'm not done yet…

" I am afraid that she may be right… that me leaving didn't do any good for anyone… I feel so unsettled… I feel like all the past year that I've been in pain and suffering… it was all for nothing… I left because I didn't want to break up their marriage… because I love him and he had a lovely wife and adorable kids… I never wanted to be that girl… but apparently I became what I detested… I think I lived a lie this past year… I kept telling myself that with me away, everything will go back to normal and they'll forget about this episode in their lives… but they didn't… I came back after a year and he told me they're separated and that he bought my house… I did and didn't want him to remember me… I love him so much that it scares me… and it's all confusing now… we practically live together now… in my old house which he bought because he didn't want to forget me…"

I take a tear that's falling from my lashes…

" We had our first date tonight… it was the best date ever… I felt so cherished and loved during our date… and it was supposed to be our night… I wanted to be with him since I was a teenager and now that I did get a chance… my conversation with his ex-wife stopped me on the cue… I couldn't go further with him thinking about his wife… now I think I hurt his feelings and I hate it… and what's more… I was ready… after all these years, I was ready to say goodbye to my virtue… and I hate it that I'm so insecure… after what she said I feel like not sleeping together is what kept this a mystery and kept us together… but it can't be true… can it?"

I look into his eyes, waiting for an answer…

" Am I your friend now, or boyfriend?"

"My friend of course…"

He touches my cheek with his knuckles and says…

" well, as a friend I must say… you should probably tell him why you blew him off if you think he's upset… but I don't think he'd be like that… he sounds more considerate than that… and I don't think the not having sex is the mystery for you two… he fell in love with you in a non-sex way… it's all about chemistry and you really have chemistry together… so it's going to be another path to a mystery since you've got no experience in this area…"

He caresses my cheek and says…

" Baby, sex isn't all about physical attraction… it's one level of love… it's about showing passion and care for one another… and sleeping with someone you're deeply in love with, is the best thing that can happen to a person… Don't think about anything… if you want it, go for it…"

He's right… I'm going to go for it... I put my hands around his neck and look deeply into his eyes… I want to look seductive but I know nothing about these things… shit! I bite down on my lower lip and move a little nearer to him… he's lost for a moment… he doesn't know what I'm doing… I move my hand to his neck… tracing the line on his collar bone with my fingernail… he takes in a sharp breath and clenches his jaw… he suddenly realizes what I'm doing… he gives me a lascivious smile and takes me by surprise, taking my hips he sits me on his lap so I astride him… I gasp at this sudden movements… he steadies me by grasping at the small of my back with one hand and my neck with another… he lowers my lips to his and kisses me deeply and deliciously… I open my mouth to give his tongue an opening and he takes full advantage of that of course… his hands move up and down my body… caressing and kneading on their way… my hands find a rhythm of their own… I run my fingers through his impressive pectorals I love so much… he moves his lips down kissing and nipping their way to my jaw and to my throat… I move my head to right giving him better access to my throat… he moves his tongue on my skin, makes me squirm… I feel his smile on my skin… he puts a deep kiss on my neck and scoops me into his arms and moves to our bedroom… he puts me on the bed and hovers over my body… he looks into my eyes and says…

" You sure about this?"

I touch his dear face and say…

" Yes, I'm sure…"

He gives me a glorious smile and starts with the kissing all over again…

I wake up an hour earlier than usual… James's hands are around my waist and I can feel his breaths on my shoulder… turning around slowly I watch his glorious face and a wide grin comes across my face… the things he did to me last night… that was super awesome… I never knew why people were so much into sex… but being with someone you're deeply in love with, well that's the reason I love God so much… because he created this… I give two thumbs up to the sky and stretch out a little… my whole body is stiff… it's like the first time I tried working with weights… but so much better… I feel alive… I want to wake him up and ask him to go again… but looking at his parted lips and peaceful face… I don't have the guts to wake him up… oh those lips… I squirm at the thought of him kissing me everywhere… I put a kiss on his forehead and get out of the bed...

Well I had a fantabulous night so I decide to make him a really good breakfast as a thank you… but first I need to shower… I take my bathrobe and watch myself in the mirror… I check my body, looking for some change or something… there's no sign of the perfect lovemaking I had last night… I don't know what was I waiting for… a hickey? He's more mature than that… I'm going insane… I shake my head and go to the bathroom…

After ten minutes, I'm in the kitchen making vanilla and chocolate pancakes… I boil some eggs and whisk some to make James's favorite bacon and cheese omelet… I crack one of the boiled eggs and start taking bites… I really am super hungry… It finishes before I get the chance to enjoy it… I pour a glass of orange juice for myself and crack another one open… I put a glass of milk and orange juice for my beloved boyfriend and some shards of ice… I know he will be up in fifteen minutes, so I put a lid on each plate so that they don't get cold… I glance at my watch…it's seven so I have to run to be at the hospital at seven thirty… I wish I had a chance to have breakfast with him today… I drink up my juice and take my car cup filled with coffee... I also take a chocolate and a vanilla pancake for eating on my way to work… I probably won't get the time to eat at all till noon so I need to fill up as much as I can… I write a note for him and put it by the omelet plate…

" _Thanks for giving me the greatest night of my life…_

 _Enjoy your favorite breakfast…_

 _Love You,_

 _Anna "_

I drive in a hurry because I hate nothing more than being late… it's a good thing that I love driving with a high speed… my dad always worries that I get hurt driving like this… I park my parking space in the hospital's parking lot at seven twenty five… taking my brown leather briefcase I get out of the car and go inside the hospital… I don't wait for the elevator, my office is the third floor so I decide to take the stairs instead… I'm humming for myself and whistling… I greet the nurses and some of the doctors on my way to my office… my phone buzzes… it's James… he sent me a photo of him and the breakfast I made for him… he looks so buoyant in that picture… I smile and send him a blow kiss emoji and a beating heart… I'm wearing a tight fitted olive button down shirt with my favorite dark blue jeans and my black flats… my feet still hurt from the heels of my boots last night… I put on my white coat and go out to check on my patients… resident Noah Anderson is with me today… he's a tall African American guy… he greets me cheerfully…

"Good morning, Dr. Pritchett!"

I smile at him and say…

" Good morning, Dr. Anderson… let's start the rounds… who's first?"

We start walking through the halls while he gives me a brief summary of our patients… there are so many good cases for study… we finish rounds and our consults by nine… I have a meeting with the Major Chief of the hospital today at ten… all of the head of the departments are going to be in that meeting… I call my dad… It's been two days and I miss him already…

" Hey sweetie, how are you?"

" Hey Dad, I'm fine…. I'm at the hospital and everything's so cool here… I have my own office and it's so big and fancy… I also have mini fridge to myself…"

I hear him chuckle and he says…

" so I see you like your new job… thank God… how is James? You two getting along well?"

My face splits into a big grin and say…

" Yeah we're so good together... I love him Dad…"

" I know sweetheart… just be careful not to get hurt… and I want you to know you can always come back here… I want you to be happy… so be happy…"

" I am so happy, Dad… I love you…"

" I love you too, Baby… take care!"

" Will do… bye…"

I call Jim next and he lets me know that he's going to pay me a visit next week which makes me so happy… he wants to see James and I'll be more than happy to introduce them to each other…

I glance at my watch and see it's a quarter to ten…

" I have to go Jim, I have a meeting in fifteen minutes…"

" Okay, Okay Doc, go attend to your meeting… I'll see you next week then…"

" Absolutely… take care…"

" You too, Babe… bye…"

It's six forty five when I get home… I talked to James and he said he would be out for lunch with a couple of friends… and he isn't back yet… I change my clothes into a very short halter neck turquoise sundress… I put on a pair of flat strappy sandals and go to kitchen… rummaging through the fridge, I find what I need to make beef stroganoff… after putting on the music, I wash my hand and start working… I love cooking to music, it reminds me of my dad cooking for me when I was a kid… I was always going up of the walls and he had to distract me… so he would put on some music and dance to it for me… so I would sit down and clap my hands for him or sometimes I tried to dance like him… I dance my way to the fridge to take out the ingredients for the sauce… suddenly I feel two hands on my flanks and a kiss on my bare shoulder… I gasp and turn around to see the center of my world…

" You scared the hell out of me, Baby!"

He puts a soft kiss on my pouty lips and says…

" I love to see you dance, sweetheart… you look so radiant in this little dress of yours…"

I blush and go back to work on my dinner and say…

" Thank you… how was your lunch? Who were you with?"

He sits on a stool and says…

" Dakota and Jenny… they're actresses… you know them?"

I frown and start chopping the onions…

" Dakota, I know… but Jenny, No… I haven't heard of her…"

I pour them to the frying pan and start stirring until they're golden… then add some pepper and salt and get on with the rest of my work…

" How was your day at the hospital? People liked you today?"

He says putting his hands on my bare thighs and stroking slightly… I take in a sharp breath and close my eyes… swallowing hard, I say…

" I'm going to burn our dinner if you continue doing what you're doing…"

He sniffs my hair and starts putting small kisses on my shoulder to my neck…

" You smell so good… I don't care about dinner… I prefer to eat you…"

I smile and say…

" Oh really? You don't want to eat first?"

He reaches out and turns off the stove…

" food can wait… I can't…"

My jaw drops to the floor… he's dead serious… taking the meat bowel, he puts it into the fridge and comes to me… he takes my head in his hands and starts kissing me hard… the moment our lips connect I feel like I'm shocked by lightning… I kiss him wildly and push him to the wall… he chuckles and kisses me back…

" I. Love. You. So. Much…"

He says between kisses… I groan and throw my arms around his neck… he runs his hands along my back and caresses me… he brings my thighs up in one move and throw them around his waist… he moves his lips to my throat kissing and nipping… he walks to the bedroom and tugs at the button on my neck witch kept the dress in its place and closes the door behind with his foot…

" I love your skin..."

He runs his fingertips down my naked back… we are lying on our bed, sated and happy after our incredible lovemaking… I have nothing to compare this to, but it seems that James really knows what he's doing… I poke his nose and smile…

" Thanks… I love your body… you are in a really good shape…"

He grins lopsidedly and says…

" Why, Thank you, Babe… you're not so bad yourself..."

" I don't have much feminine features… but I'm okay with my body…"

He puts a chaste kiss on my lips and says…

" I love you exactly the way you are… and what it's worth… I think you're so hot!"

"Why, Mr. Dornan… are you flirting with me?"

He comes closer to me and says…

" Yes, I guess I am… what are you going to do about that?"

He's hovering me in an instant and looking playfully into my eyes… I run my nose to his and squirm my body suggestively and say…

" Well, I might have a few ideas…"

He gives me an ear to ear grin and says…

" Oh, Baby… I love your ideas..."

Then presses me to the mattress with his body and starts kissing me again… I giggle and kiss him back and soon we're lost in each other…


	23. Chapter 23

It's been two weeks since I came back. I barely had any nightmares because I was happier in these two weeks more than I have ever been in my life, perks of being in love I guess! But still they were nights that I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air.

I've been having so much fun exploring sex with James lately. We have tried most places at the house; the shower, the bathtub, on the kitchen floor, on every couches and armchairs. We are practically naked most of the time we're together at the house. I recently learned they call it the honeymoon phase of a relationship, so we keep fooling around except for the days we have the kids to ourselves. Oh God! I never get enough of those cute little angels. It hurts to think that I'm the reason their parents aren't still together .I told James once when we were playing with the kids…

" You know what I'm afraid of?"

He kissed my hair and said…

" What?"

I leaned on the center table and said…

" When your kids grow up, they're going to see me and every time they will think "She's the reason my parents broke up!" I love them and I hate this, but it's true!"

He touched my arm and said…

" When they're old enough to understand these things, we're going to tell them what exactly happened. Don't worry about that until then."

I said I wouldn't worry about it but I do. Well, I can't do anything about it now, So let be it!

I'm also in touch with Jason and Mary. They had me and James over for dinner once and we had them over at our place, too. James and Jason seem to tag along well and their kids are as cute as ever. I never get enough of those little puppies.

Things seem to go smoothly at work as well; People are much nicer and I made some new friends at the hospital. I'm also back on my private practice in my old office. Margaret hangs out in my office most of the time, telling me the things that happened while I was away. She told me that Daniel and her are dating now and she's so excited for me and James.

"Oh, Anna! Everything fell apart when you left. It was like you were the glue who stuck us all together. To be honest, it was you who always arranged the gatherings and you did the cooking most of the time and baking those delicious cakes. I haven't seen all of the guys together in the same room since the last time we all hung out at Andy's place."

Tears stream down her pretty face for the thousandth time since I came back and she hugs me. She's told me this story like seven times since the day I was back, but she cried like the first time every time she said it.

I pull her into my arms and pat her back until she calms down. I glance at my watch and say…

" As much as I enjoy staying here and listening to you filling the blanks for me, I have to go home now. It's seven fifteen!"

She comes out of my arms and stares at her watch wide eyed...

" It's past seven? Oh my God! Sorry Anna for taking your time so much. So I will see you on Thursday?"

I grab my suitcase and my cellphone and head for the door…

"Yeah! Have a good night, Maggie!"

And like every other time I called her that, her eyes sparkle with tears and joy.

It's raining like crazy. I drive home singing along with the song that's playing in my car. It's Korean and the name is "Ne Sarang" which means my love, the lyrics are so sad which make me cry every time I listen to it. I love driving in rain, it makes me feel like I'm in a movie or something! I park my car in the garage and go greet Denise in the front yard. She barks at my feet and looks at me with her big cute eyes…

"Hey sweetie! You must be cold out here, baby! Come, let's go inside."

I take out my keys and open the door. She's shivering like a leaf, I take her to the fireplace and go get a towel to dry her. Her catching a cold is the last thing I want right now. James has not come home yet. He said he would be on a TV show today; But he also said he will be back home for dinner. I dry Denise completely and put a bowel of her food and some water in front of her.

"Sit here and eat your food and don't move… I will go make dinner for me and James, okay?"

She purrs and dip her head into her food. I pat her hair and go to the kitchen. James said he wanted lasagna so I start on making it. I'm chopping sausages when the door opens and James comes in…

"Anna have you seen Denise? She's not outside!"

I put the last layer of lasagna on the top and say…

" Yeah, I brought her in! She was cold in her cottage so I took her inside."

" Oh Thank God! You did a good thing. Look at you little girl. Having fun, aren't you?"

I turn around and see James is cuddling Denise. I smile at them at go back to making my lasagna. I put the lasagna into the microwave and wash my hands. I turn around and see he's coming to me. He kisses me chastely on my lips and says…

" Hey sweetie, how was your day?"

I smile at him and say…

" It was good. I had so many patients today and Maggie went all waterworks on me again and I missed you a lot…"

He pulls me into his arms and says…

" I missed you, too. It sucks being away from you, which brings up this…"

He keeps me at an arm length and says…

"It's our movie premier in New York next week and there's another in Los Angeles and it's going to go on for two or three weeks in cities and countries and I have to go. Millie used to go with me and we took the girls with us to these trips but now we're not together and I'm with you… and I am asking you to come with me. Will you?"

I am speechless for a minute or two. He looks at me in wonder…

" Baby, you know how much I hate public attention and I have a job, two actually and I've just started my work at the hospital. I can't just leave everything and go away for three weeks. as much as I hate being away from you for that long, I can't do that! People already hate the mysterious girl you're dating without knowing me in person…"

He shakes his head and says…

" Don't worry about the press, baby. I will have it covered if that's what you're worried about…"

I put my arms on his shoulders and say…

" It's that and the most important fact is that I can't get a leave of absence for three weeks when I've just started my work for two weeks. You go and have fun, but not too much! I'm going to miss you a lot and it's going to suck being alone here without you. But you'll be back, that's what will get me going."

I kiss him slightly and sigh. He leans his forehead against mine and says…

" I hate this! I did everything to shrug this premiere thing off, but my agent said I'm the lead role and I can't not be there. But I feel unsettled, I just got you back and things just start to have their own way. I hate that I have to leave."

I rub my nose along his and say…

" Yeah, but time flies. You will be back in no time."

I hear a ping and I know our dinner is ready. I put another kiss on his pouty lips and say…

" Sit down! I made your favorite lasagna"

He grins and smacks my behind slightly and says…

" Oh, I loved the times I came here and you made lasagna or pasta or whatever. I love eating with you! You eat everything so deliciously and make me want to eat with more appetite!"

I take the container out of the microwave and laugh and say…

" Yeah, I get that a lot. Jim also said that to me! He paged me to have lunch with him while he was hospitalized. He's so cute, I miss him!"

I smile fondly at the memory of him. He sits down on a bar stool and crosses his arms on his chest watching me carefully. I put out a plate for him and one for me…

" Speaking of whom, he told me he would visit next month and he hoped to meet you in person since I spoke his ears off last year moaning about you. But I don't think that would be possible with you going on a tour for this premiere thing!"

His eyebrows shoot up and he says…

" Well, that's a shame! I really wanted to meet him in person, too! He must be an exceptional guy that he caught your attention. When did he tell you this?"

I put a large piece of lasagna on his plate and hand him his favorite beer and put a small piece for myself and I have my soda…

" I think it was two weeks ago or something. I forgot to tell you then because we were having so much fun and so much insanely hot sex these last two weeks that I can't think clearly even at work!"

He smirks and says…

" You're insatiable, Baby! Not that I'm complaining or anything, I've never been more grateful but it's that I never picked you as an at any time at any place girl! I thought you would want to have sex only in your bed and at the night time. But then you never cease to amaze me in every way!"

I chuckle and take a bite. It's delicious. I had so many patients today that I didn't have time to eat some proper lunch. James digs in and I know he's deadly hungry. We usually eat our dinner at seven or at most seven thirty and it's ten to nine, so he's so hungry. I put another piece for him…

" Wow, this is so good. I love your lasagnas. never had better than this. Thank you, I love you."

I laugh out loud and say…

" My mom always says cooking good food is a way to win your man's heart! I guess she was right after all!"

James kisses me sound fully and laughs…

" I have to thank your mom then, for teaching you so well!"

And he goes back to eating. I look at him in awe. I literally love this man, more than anything, apart from my love for my family, my love for him is the strongest thing I feel in my life. After three or four bites I'm full and can't eat anymore. I couldn't eat more than a biscuit and a cup of coffee for lunch and I just had a glass of orange juice for breakfast. I usually eat well but it's been a couple of days that I can't eat properly…

" why don't you eat? You haven't eat breakfast and I'm sure as hell that you didn't eat lunch either. Are you alright? You seem a little out of it."

I take a sip of my soda and say…

" Yeah I'm fine baby, I'm just not hungry!"

He touches my face with his knuckles and says…

" You okay? You know I worry about you, baby! You will tell me if something's wrong, won't you?"

I take his hand and kiss his palm…

" Of course! I'll tell you everything."

He smiles and caresses my cheek. Leaning down, he puts a soft tender kiss on my lips…

" I love you, you know that, right?"

All my body fills with joy and my eyes sting with tears of happiness. I move closer to him and throw my arms around his neck and cling onto him. I'm going to miss him so much while he's away. He inhales deeply in my hair and kisses my neck. I pull away and say…

" I'm going to miss you, a lot!"

He kisses me and says…

" I'm leaving on Friday, sweetheart. We're going to spend every minute of these remaining days together and I'm going to take you on a date tomorrow night."

I raise a brow and say…

" Well, now you're talking. Are you going to take me to that private room again?"

He chuckles and says…

" I don't know yet, but maybe! Who knows? Maybe this time we get to do a little something in there."

I grin widely and say…

" Looking forward to it"

After washing the dishes together, we go sit on the couch with two cups of my favorite apple flavored tea. Denise is fast asleep in the corner next to the fire place. James opens his arms and I snuggle on his chest. I love cuddling and spooning. It makes me feel cherished. I used to do that with my dad. I've always been a big hugger and kisser. I would kiss my dad or my mom without any particular reason. I just do that to show my love. I drink up my tea, then putting my legs up on the couch, I lean on his chest and he supports me by putting his left arm around my back. I put a kiss on his chest and continue reading the latest discoveries of NASA about finding a system that looks so much like our solar system and the everlasting question of human beings, " Is there life anywhere else but the earth?"

" What are you reading?"

" it's an article in astronomy. Are you interested?"

He tuck a luck of my curls behind my ear and says…

" I'm interested in anything that interests you!"

I look up at him with love and passion and say…

" Aww, you're an incurable romantic, James!"

He smiles sweetly and says…

" It's hard to argue with that!"

And kisses me. First it starts like a murmur, like the kind of kisses we give each other for comfort or greetings, but I can't help the surge of emotions it starts in me. I grab his head in both hands and my lips grow more fierce. He groans deep in his throat and kisses me back so as passionately. He runs his fingers through my hair and slowly moves his hands to my neck and down to my breasts, caressing their way through. He lays me down on the couch and his body hovers mine. He moves his lips to my jaw and then to my neck and slowly kisses his way down. Not that I have anything to compare this to, but he sure is a great lover. He knows my body very well, he knows on what parts I'm sensitive or where I like to be kissed. He knows me well and I have no control over my tears. They start to run over my face in no time. He stops kissing my stomach and comes up. Kissing my tears away, he says…

" what is it? Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Talk to me, Anna!"

I can't say anything so I just kiss him passionately. He responds but not much. He breaks our kiss and starts kissing my face…

" Baby, why are you crying? Are you hurt? You know it drives me crazy when you cry, so will you please stop?"

I take a deep shuddering breath and say…

" I don't know why I'm crying. I just love you so much I think I must be overwhelmed or something. I'm sorry to act so pathetic. no sane girl cries during lovemaking! I'm so sorry!"

He kisses my eyes, then my nose and cheeks. He puts small kisses on my lips and says…

" it's okay. Do you want me to stop?"

I shake my head and say…

" No way! I never want you to stop. Go on! Make me forget who I am."

He gives me a breathtaking smile and says…

" You're my love, that's who you are!"

He starts with kissing my neck all over again...

We're lying on the bed after the wonderful sex we had. My naked back to his front. He's trailing soft kisses from back of my neck to my left shoulder while I'm gazing out the window into the rain…

" I love rain…"

He doesn't say anything. He knows I want to say something and he knows he has to keep quiet if he wants me to talk…

" I always loved rain since I was a kid. I would run out and start to sing and play in the rain. Mom and dad always worried that I catch a cold, but I didn't care! I loved something so I had to pay a price even if it meant I had to stay in bed for one day and take shots."

He nips at my earlobe sending shivers through my body. I moan involuntarily and close my eyes. He starts putting feather like kisses along my jaw…

" I always thought if I had a daughter, I'm going to name her, Rain…"

He stops for a second then goes back to kissing me. I turn to lie on my back and he puts his head on his propped up hand to have a better view of my face. I reach out my hand to touch his lovely face. I trail my fingers on his brows and lashes, down his steep nose to his soft lips. Oh those lips! His lips part as I touch them with my fingertips. I look into his eyes and say…

" I want a baby…"

He stares at me wide eyed for a couple of seconds to take in what I just said. He puts a soft kiss on my pouty lips and says…

" Don't you think it's a little too soon?"

My burrows furrow and I say…

" James, I'm turning twenty nine in two months and soon I'm going to be thirty. You know I always wanted a baby and I want your baby…"

He runs his fingertips between my brows, trying to open the knot between them. He looks at me patiently like he's trying to reason with a kid which he's perfect in as he has two toddlers. I believe I'm acting like one right now. But I just can't help it! he pokes at my nose and says…

" Sweetie, I'm not saying no. I'm saying not now. We've just started our relationship. We have a long way ahead of ourselves. Now with this job of yours, you need to focus on your job and we need to focus on us. We're learning about each other in a relationship. This is more complicated than just friendship, as your boyfriend I am responsible for you. I have to take care of you and your needs and I don't mean just sexually which I'm more than happy to take care of those!"

He moves his body suggestively, which makes me giggle. He smiles and continues…

" I mean I have to be your friend, your shoulder to cry on and I have to be your emergency contact and you should do the same for me! I know better because I've been in lots of relationships and I've been married and you need to learn lots of things. You need to learn that sometimes you have to put your guard down, to lean on me and to let me in! We're still working on our relationship. This is like a baby. You need to take your time and do your best to make the best of it."

I can't control the tear that's coming from my right eye. James frowns and says…

" Baby, don't cry please! I promise I'm going to give you a baby as soon as our relationship deepens its roots. I promise!"

I know I'm being unreasonable and it's not how I usually handle things! but I don't know what becomes of me…

" James, do you love me?"

He rises his brows and says…

" Of course I do! Like you need to ask!"

I'm on my fully pouty mode! I'm tired and sleepy and I have to go to hospital tomorrow. He puts a sweet kiss on my lips and says…

" Baby, I love you so much. Don't you believe me?"

I look into his sincere grey eyes and say…

" I do."

I yawn and hear James chuckle. He tugs at the blanket and covers our bodies with it. He turns me so my back is to his front again. He kisses below my ear softly and says…

" Go to sleep, My sweet Anna! Sweet dreams."

I yawn one more time and manage to say something before I drift into sleep…

" let's have a… barbecue party… here with all the guys… it's been a long time since…"

And like most of the time I go to sleep mid sentence…


	24. Chapter 24

I am barbecuing some shrimps and beef and pork and some vegetables on the sides. Eric is helping me with that…

" Oh Anna! You have no idea how happy I am that you're back."

I chuckle and say…

" Well, repeating every five minutes since you came in somehow gives me the idea. Believe me I'm so happy I'm back too…"

I continue grilling the beefs and porks. Eric is grilling the shrimps and the chilies and meanwhile he's looking at James who is talking animatedly with Maggie, Daniel and Andy. Jackson and Dakota are playing with Denise, who is so excited to see lots of people here at the same time. It's the first time I see Dakota and she seems like a nice kind and cool girl. I liked her immediately…

" The last time we talked in person you insisted on not wanting to hear about Jamie and that you are trying to build a new life. I was so disappointed because I wanted to see you guys together. I knew Jamie and Millie were having trouble and that they're going to be separated. I know that had nothing to do with you. You left because you didn't want to cause this kind of things. But it happened anyway. I was trying to tell you this and you shut me up anytime I started to bring it up. I believe in fate, Anna! And I also believe in Karma, he's yours!"

I look at Eric's heartfelt smile and sincere eyes and say…

" I'm sorry about how I behaved the last time we met. I was dying to know about him but I didn't want to know. I was like a recovering alcoholic and you were there waving the best Cognac ever there is at me. I could reach out my hand and catch it but I didn't want to. It took all my courage and will but I did it!"

Eric puts his left arm around me and says…

" Hey, No hard feelings. I know you were trying to do the best thing. I really like you Anna, like family, like my own sister and I want you to be happy. And if Jamie ever hurt you, give me a call; I'll come and kick his ass for you."

"Why, Thank you Eric! I invited you to a barbecue party in my house and now you want to kick my ass?"

I hear James's voice from behind. I laugh when he makes Eric release me and takes me in his arms and kisses me below my ear. my whole body relaxes when he touches me. Eric looks at us with joy and says…

" It feels so nice to see you two like this."

James chuckles and says…

" It feels so nice to be like this too!"

I laugh at his audacity and give him a nudge. Eric shakes his head and says…

" You two lovebirds go have fun somewhere. I got this!"

James takes full advantage and takes me away from my favorite barbecue. Ever since I was a kid, I loved barbecuing and I used to be my dad's right hand in the barbecue parties. James holds my hand and we go to sit with Dakota on the porch. The other guys are playing cards…

" Dakota, you've seen my Anna?"

She gives me a kind smile and says…

" Of course I met her and I think everybody is wrong!"

I rise my brows and look at her in shock…

" She's so much nicer and better than you guys said she was!"

We laugh at her comment and I say…

" Well, thank you. That's really nice of you actually!"

She blows me a kiss and continues scolding James...

" You never told me she was this tall or this pretty! You just told me about how much she's a good person. So I thought maybe she's a really good person but she can't look good the way you were describing her!"

I can't help laughing so hard. The way she talks is so hilarious. James rises his brows and says…

" I don't think about looks. But of course she's beautiful, both inside and out!"

He kisses my cheek and I blush. I'm not used to these affectionate feelings even in private, let alone in public. Dakota watches us in awe. Eric calls out James and he has to go. Both Dakota and I watch him go. She smiles at me and says…

"Jamie was a mess a couple of months ago. He wouldn't tell me the exact reason but the way he talked about you made me suspicious! Every time someone said something that sounded like Anna all his wits would be gathered. I knew things weren't good with Millie and that they were having troubles, but I also knew Jamie wasn't the man he used to be. It was like he lost something! Then I heard from Andy that there was this girl who was a very good friend for all of the guys and that she arranged gatherings so that they could keep in touch. And then little by little I got that there was something between that girl and Jamie and that they started to react weird around each other and then the girl left her house and her job and her friends; Practically left everything behind and went away to God knows where. I knew Jamie for so long and I knew he wouldn't have been cheating on Millie no matter what other people said or thought. I asked him and he told me everything. This was when they were doing marriage counseling and soon after that they signed the divorce papers. I was shocked when I heard Millie was the one who filed for divorce! And then he told me that she wanted to get a divorce since last year, that he loved her and didn't want to divorce her. And I know it was because he never wanted to hurt his kids."

I feel a pang of sadness listening to her. He really was a mess, but I remain silent and continue listening. She touches my arm smiling and said…

" To be honest I was a little jealous at first. I used to be Jamie's best friend and then I realized I'm not anymore. I hated you at first, but when I heard about you from Andy and Eric, oh these guys can't shut up about how nice you are and now I know they didn't do justice! You really are so cool and fine and nice and I'm so happy that I see Jamie so radiant. It's hard to believe but I've never seen him this happy before."

I look at James and Eric and Andy who are nudging each other and laughing out loud. The scene is so beautiful that I take out my phone and take a picture of them. I hear Dakota chuckling. I turn my head to her and say…

" Want to take a selfie?"

She beams at me and says…

" Sure! Nothing gives me more joy!"

We take a selfie saying "cheese". Thank heavens she's not one of those girls who are constantly duck faced…

" You know I used to watch James's interviews on YouTube. I saw you, too. I liked you immediately and I saw the movies you and James played together and I liked them too. You're a good actress and a wonderful person."

She hugs me hard and says…

" Aww! I love you too…"

" Look at you two! bonding and getting along. I love these romantic moments."

We laugh and turn to see Andy. I love this man so much! he's been a really good friend for me. He called me everyday and sent me dirty jokes and made me laugh. He was stuck here for the movie he was playing and couldn't fly over there to see me and he blamed James for what had happened. I stand up and throw my arms around him and hug him hard. I hear some cracks from his bones which makes me laugh and I let him go. I smile at his kind face and say…

" I really missed you Andy!"

I see a tears glowing in his eyes but he doesn't let them fall. He touches my hair and says…

" I missed you more. Without you everything fell apart. You were the core of the group and when you left nothing felt the same!"

I touch his face and say…

" I'm so sorry. I was left with no choice. I wanted James to save his marriage so I had to leave. I never knew that you would be hurt."

" Hey, Andy! Come over here and check this out!"

Jackson calls over. He gives me quick hug and goes over there to see what's Jackson saying. I go inside to get a drink for myself. I grab a beer and watch outside from the window. It's so much joy to see these guys laughing and going around the front yard. I hate to think it's been a year since they've all been together in one place. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn my head to see Daniel. He smiles and says…

"Don't sweat it, Anna! You did what you thought was best. You did a very bold and courageous move and it took great balls to literally leave everything behind and move to another state. Only for the sake of saving someone else's marriage. We're so proud of you Anna!"

My eyes sting with tears and I look over to see James at the barbecue with Eric. I sigh and say…

" But no matter what I did, it did no good! Amelia was right. Maybe if I stayed they wouldn't have separated."

" What? Amelia said that? That's bull! They had problems even before you came into picture. Don't worry about her. You gave her the chance to make her marriage work. She blew it so that's on her. Now you have the opportunity to be happy. You deserve to be!"

I look at his deep black eyes. I always liked the chocolate tone of his skin and he's two inches taller than me. I smile at him and say…

" Thanks, Daniel. it means a lot to me, and I'm so happy for you and Maggie. She's so happy!"

He looks at her through the window. She's chatting animatedly with Dakota. I know how much excited she is by the way she keeps moving her hands and the stupid grin she has on her beautiful face. I see Daniel's big grin and I see how much he cares for her…

" You know, I had lots of girlfriends! All of them were after my money. They were all acts and fake. But she's different! The way she looks at me; She's genuine. At first I thought she was another girl, mesmerized by all the fame and money but she said she didn't want to hit the news or go to places where there are press. She said she wanted our relationship to stay for us; not for some paparazzi or some local newspapers. Then I knew I found my girl. She's coming from a rich family and she's rich too. So I knew she's not after money and she said she didn't want to go public so she didn't want to become famous by dating me. Then it hit me! I actually fell for her the first night we went to the bar after getting that shot in your office."

He turns to look at me and says…

" I really love her Anna! And I'm afraid of telling her that! I think I might lose her."

I put my left hand on his right arm and say…

" She's crazy about you. She merely can't shut up how much you mean to her and how dreamy you are! So don't worry about losing her! I know Maggie for six years now! That girl, she's a keeper!"

He eyes me warily and then smiles…

" Thanks Anna! I keep that in mind…"

He puts a kiss on my forehead and goes outside. Eric and James shout and say…

" Come on everybody. Dinner's ready!"

I smile and go outside to help them set the table…

I take a look at James's packed suitcase trying to ignore the huge lump in my throat. I really wish I could go with him. He's at Amelia's saying goodbyes to his little pumpkins. I know he's going to miss them like crazy. he visits them everyday and not being able to see them is so hard for him.

I told him to take Amelia and the kids with him but he gave me a look that I regretted even saying the words. But I know it will be like hell for him. I wish he listened to me and took them with him and for the millionth time I curse myself for being the reason they broke up. No matter what other people keep saying, they had problems in their marriage but me coming around and then leaving was kind of the nail on the coffin. So I do feel responsible, but you can't gather the spilled water.

I've put several sets of clean underwear and jeans for him. I also packed the tuxedo that he's supposed to wear in the New York premiere and he said the others will be delivered for him in the hotels he'll be staying. I let my tears wash my face. I don't know why I feel like this but I also have no idea of how I should feel. I never had a real boyfriend and I always traveled with my dad for his conferences. I was never the one to sit back. My chest hurts and I feel nauseated all of a sudden. I run into the bathroom and despite the feeling I don't throw up because there's nothing to come up. During this week I barely had three proper meals and I lost like five pounds or something. James almost canceled his trip to stay by my side. So I promised I would do my best and eat. But I constantly feel full. I eat a bite or less and I can't eat anymore. I'm always like this when I'm stressed out and I really have no idea what will happen when he leaves. I go to the kitchen to drink a cup of my herbal tea. My mom made it herself and she said it's the best for nausea and she was most definitely right. I hear the door shut and turn around to see James. He looks deeply sad. I can only imagine how must he feel. I walk to him and hug him. He stands still for a second then snakes his arms around me and crushes me to his chest. Putting a lingering kiss on his neck I put my arms on his shoulders and look at him in the eye face to face…

" I love you James Dornan. I've always loved you since I was a fifteen year old girl till now that I'm twenty nine."

I touch his face with my fingertips and say…

" I love your eyes, their sparkle when you smile at me."

I feel the huge lump again. It's choking me! My eyes sting with tears but I continue…

" I love your dimples. Whenever you laugh, it makes my heart beating a frantic tune!"

He grins and listens to me. A single tear comes down from my right eye…

" I love your lopsided grin. It shows your right chipped incisor which I think is so sexy."

I touch his lips which part by my touch. He takes in a sharp breath and closes his eyes…

" I love your lips. The things you do with them to me. I can kiss you all day without getting tired a bit. you have the softest lips ever!"

He opens his eyes and watches me suspiciously, worrying where I am going with this. I am sobbing now…

" I love it when you see that I'm feeling down you always find or do something to make me laugh. I love it when you listen to me bitch about my idiot residents who make me go crazy with mistreating patients. I love it when you listen to my lectures when I'm rehearsing for my conferences!"

He wipes my tears with his thumbs and stays quiet…

" I loved you through our friendship and I love you now that we're in a relationship. I know that I'm flawed and I'm not enough and I'm the reason you don't get to be with your kids all the time, but I love you; more than anything in the world…"

He frowns and says…

" Anna what is it? What happened? Who did you talk to? What is this about?"

I put a chaste kiss on his lips and say…

" I wish I could come with you to this trip. I know it's important for you and your career. And I know if it wasn't for me you probably got to go with your family coming along. But now you have to go alone!"

Taking a deep breath, I say…

" I swear I would willingly go with you if I could. It's not that I'm choosing my job over my relationship! It's just that this is what I do. It's an important part of my life! Not as much as you but still."

His frown deepens and he says…

" Baby, what's going on? Who did you talk to while I was gone? What is this all about?"

I look him in the eye for some seconds and then say…

" I don't want you to resent me for not coming with you and for being forced to travel alone!"

He rises his brows and says…

" Who said I will resent you?"

My lips tremble and I say…

" You haven't talked to me since Wednesday at the party. You were distant and cold. You didn't even hold me at nights. I know nothing about relationships and I don't know what I've done to make you like this. Then I thought it was for the fact that I am not able to come along and you don't get to be with your kids either!"

He suddenly hugs me hard and says ...

" Oh Anna! I was terrified. I thought you were leaving me."

He takes two deep breaths and then pulls me out of his embrace. He looks deep into my eyes and says…

" Baby, I tried to talk to you these past two days. But you were so busy and you were always on the phone or video chatting with Germany and I did hold you at night but you were so jumpy that I was afraid to make a move so I let you go in the morning when you would wake up. I'm so thrilled that you said all those things and I am so happy to hear them. But you scared me to hell. Don't do that to me again!"

I am confused. I search my mind and remember the nights sometimes I got so hot at nights and I started to fight off the heat and I did have a tight schedule these past two days. I have a schizophrenic patient who is a big trouble. I needed to check the latest methods they were doing in Europe for their approval. One of my Professors was there and I did video chatting with him to get consults. I feel so tired and suddenly I feel the need for pouting. So I do it and let my tears fall down. He pulls me into a warm hug and says…

" Hey, sweetie, everything's going to be fine with your patients. Don't worry!"

He starts trailing small kisses down my neck to my bare shoulders. I am in my strapless bright red top and in my very short sexy jean shorts. He starts running his fingers up and down my thighs. I moan and grab his head in my hands and start kissing him. He groans in my mouth and answers me willingly. After a few minutes he scoops me into his arms and go to our bedroom. He lies me down on the bed and says…

" Oh Babe, I'm going to miss you so much!"

I open my mouth to tell him I'm going to miss him more than that but suddenly I'm busy with his lips and his hands moving up and down my body and working down the zipper on my shorts.

" Would you sing for me?"

I put a kiss on his bare chest. I love his rippled pectorals. he's playing with my hair and our legs are still entwined with each other…

" I don't sing well!"

I put my chin on his chest and look him in the eye and say…

" Liar! I've seen a video of you singing. You're pretty good. Well, not as good as me but still!"

He grins and smacks my behind which makes me yelp. I bite his chest and he says…

" Ouch! Did you really bite me?"

I raise one brow and say…

" Of course I did. You hit me, I bite you! that's my rule."

He rolls so that he's hovering my body. I look into his playful eyes and reach out my hand to touch his face…

" I'm going to miss you a lot!"

He kisses my forehead and says…

" Me more. Who's going to wake me every morning with a kiss on my forehead these three weeks?"

I frown and say…

" I'll kill you if you get drunk and sleep with someone else on your trip!"

He stares at me wide eyed and says…

" Wow! Why would I do that?"

" I don't know! I heard some men do these kind of things!"

He chuckles and rolls onto his back taking me with and kisses me hard until I'm breathless. He, then crushes me to his chest and says…

" God! I love you so much! especially when you blurt out something like this."

I smile impishly and snuggle into his arms. His flight isn't until next four hours and we have two more hours before he has to go…

" Want to take a shower with me before you go?"

He rises his brows and says…

" I'll be damned if I said no to that!"

I chuckle and put a kiss on his lips. Getting off the bed, I walk to the bathroom to get the water running…

He sings one of his songs "When I Go" in the shower for me while he's washing my hair and I'm washing his chest. There's nothing I love more than feeling his fingers move through my hair and hearing his voice. I sing along in some parts with him and we are clean and ready to come out after twenty minutes or so.

I sit in my bathrobe, covering my hair in a towel and twist it to stand on my head. I watch James going around the house checking everything. I drink my herbal tea to cover up my constant feeling of nausea. I don't know what it is. But it's doing one good thing, I'm losing weight. James noticed and scowled me for not eating. but he doesn't understand. I can't eat when I'm constantly nauseated. So I have to lie to him about why I can't eat. I add some sugar to my tea to get some good taste. James comes to the kitchen and says…

" I checked everything. I'm good to go."

He puts a card on the counter in front of me and hugs me from behind. Resting his cheek on the top of my head he says…

" This is a no limit credit card. Use it whenever you need it. It's in your name. I ordered it for you when you came back and it came in today."

I turn back shocked. Why did he do this?

" James! I'm a doctor. I'm the head of the psychiatry department and have my own practice. I am also a scientist and get paid thousands of dollars for giving speech on the conferences. I don't need your money!"

He watches me patiently and says…

" I know that, sweetheart! I'm not saying that you need my money and I do know you have plenty of it yourself. But you are my responsibility now and my money is part of the package deal here. I don't want you to get offended or something. I just want you to share my everything with me."

I take a deep breath and say…

" With all the things we've been through this past year, money is the last thing I ever think about. I don't want people to think I'm with you because of your money!"

His eyebrows shoot up and he says…

" Baby, you're a known Doctor and lots of people come to you to get help. No one is going to think that way about you. Don't think too much to it. Just use it when you want to buy groceries or some new furniture or when you decide to get on a jet and come see me!"

He smiles beautifully at me and strokes my cheek. I throw my arms around his waist and burry my face in his muscles. He hugs me and moves his hand up and down my arms in a soothing way. I know he has to go in half an hour and I really want to cling onto him and don't let him move an inch, but I let go of him and stare up into his eyes. Putting my mug down, I stand up and put a kiss on his soft lips and stroll towards my piano. I start to play my favorite piece, G Minor by Bach. James stands by the piano smiling at me while I play for him. I finish playing and smile at him…

" Whenever I listen to this piece your face comes to my mind. I remember your smile, those small wrinkles around your eyes when you laugh make my heart stop beating, the sparkle in your eyes make me feel like I'm flying in the sky. I love you so much James, never forget that!"

He grins at me and comes to me. He dips his head and puts a soft kiss on my lips and says…

" I love you so much, too. More than you can think."

I glance at the clock and sigh…

" You have to go! Your cab will be here in five minutes. I wish I could drop you off at the airport myself but there will be press waiting for you."

I run my fingers in his hair and say…

" I'm so happy you don't have a buzz cut anymore. I love running my fingers through your hair and I like your stubbles, though they burn me when I kiss you. I kind of like it. so don't change a thing while you're away."

He smiles and starts kissing me. I kiss him passionately and embrace the burning from his stubbles along my chin and my lips. His phone starts ringing and we both know it's his cue. He puts one last kiss on my lips and hugs me for a few moments. Then he inhales deeply and says…

" Well, I have to go! Promise me you won't get hurt while I'm away."

I stroke his cheek and say…

" I won't! Promise me you will call me at least once a day."

Walking with each other to the door, he says…

" I will call you at least three times a day. You don't have to make me promise baby!"

He opens the door and we both see the yellow cab in front of the house. He hugs me once more and kisses below my ear. He whispers…

" I won't say goodbye. I just say I'll see you in three weeks!"

I close my eyes to not let my tears stream down. I just nod. After putting a lingering kiss on my forehead, he opens his umbrella, turns and walks to the cab. The driver gets out to help him with the suitcase. It's raining heavily, he gives me one last look before he gets on the car. He mouths something like " I love you" at me but rain is pouring down so heavy that I can't clearly be sure if he said this or something else.


	25. Chapter 25

" Hey babe, how's it going?"

I smile at his gloriously naked chest. He's lying on the bed in his shorts and he's video chatting with me. It's been mostly what we were doing in this first week of his trip.

" Everything is fine. Why are you naked? Not that I'm not enjoying the view or anything, but I'm just wondering!"

He chuckles and says…

" I was at the hotel's gym. I love your house. You have your gym at your house!"

I frown and say…

" Sweetie it was my house, but now it's yours. you bought it from me! Remember?"

"Technically it's our house. But I get a better feeling by thinking of it as your house. Because I had such a good time every time I was there with you and I loved it that you kept your door open for me to come whenever I want. You were my safe harbor!"

I touch my laptop's monitor pretending to touch his face. He knows what I'm doing so he comes nearer and kisses the camera for me. There's a knock on the door and Maggie comes in…

" Dr. Pritchett, There is someone here who wants to meet you!"

I rise my brows and say…

" I thought there were no more patients for today!"

She shrugs and says…

" He isn't a patient. He says he has something to tell you in person!"

" Send him in, then!"

I look at the monitor and say…

" I got to go baby! We'll talk tonight if you're not busy."

He gives me a shy smile and says…

" The LA Premiere is tonight, Sweetie! I'll catch up with you after that."

I smile at his adorable apologetic face and say…

" It's fine, sweetheart! Call me whenever you could. love you!"

His eyes melt and he says…

" love you more and miss you a lot!"

I close my laptop before my tears start running. Well there's someone who wants to meet me so I can't succumb to a loud deep from my guts cry. I take the only tear before it really falls down on my face and clear my throat. I hear three sharp knocks on the door and it squeaks open. I look at the door to see who's this mystery man who wants to talk to me and there he is…

He's an almost tall guy with straight blonde hair, fair skin and muscular body. There's something weird about the color of his eyes, his left eye is half brown half blue! The other one is just blue. I put on my polite business smile on my face and say…

" Hi, I'm Dr. Pritchett. How may I help you?"

He stands in front of my desk. I invite him to sit by waving my hand toward the sofa. I usually don't sit behind my desk when I'm talking to patients. So I stand up and go sit in front of him on the armchair. He looks at me in wonder and awe and surprise for a few moments then he starts talking…

" My name is Alex Jones. I was born in London. My mother met my father in one of her shows and they fell in love and got married. Soon after that I was born and I had a pretty good family. I have a great job that I love. I'm a model and also an architect. I had whatever I want in my life."

I don't know where he's going with this but my job is to listen to him. So I cup my chin in my right hand and lean on my right side and nod patiently…

"I've always been an overachiever and had a successful life. My parents supported me in every stage of my life and I love them. I love my mother so much but she's sick, so sick actually! she has a brain tumor and it's malignant."

My brows furrow and I say…

" I'm so sorry to hear that!"

He looks deeply in my eyes and says...

" Her name is Bella Jones!"

Bella Jones! that certainly rings a bell. NO WAY! It couldn't be!

He continues…

" Two days ago she told me about a daughter she had in America. She told me everything! She said she regrets her decision everyday and that she wanted to see you a lot of times. But whenever she reached out and made contact your father never let her see you!"

I feel like I can't breathe! This can't be! this is wrong!

" I'm your brother, Annabella!"

I let out a hysterical laugh! I laugh so hard that it's hard to breathe for me. Then I start crying. Maggie barges into my office and says…

" What the Hell! Anna what's wrong? It's alright, Honey. Relax!"

She gives me a glass of water and shoots a venomous look at the boy. He's watching me concerned but he doesn't do anything. That's wise of him because I will punch him to death, if he tries to get near me. After ten minutes or so I'm calm. I tell Maggie I'm fine and that she can leave me. I drink up the water and take three deep breaths. Closing my eyes, I count to ten then I open my eyes and look at the boy…

" What was your name?"

He eyes me warily and says…

" Alex Jones!"

" How old are you?"

" twenty seven!"

I frown and say…

" What did that woman do? Go around and get knocked up? I'm twenty nine! You're barely two years younger than me!"

His face becomes whiter than bone and I know he's about to say something but he keeps quiet…

" What do you want from me? I'm not a neurosurgeon or anything! If it's for money…"

" No, No! It's not at all about money. She wants to see you. I know it's a long shot and you don't want to do anything with me or her. But I came anyway. She's your mom after all!"

I feel all my skin stretching over my scalp…

" No! My mom is Amanda Pritchett! She is the woman who raised and nurtured me. She's the woman who stood by me in all my years of school and graduations and all. Bella is just the woman who gave birth to me. She's not my mother! She had a one night stand with my father and got pregnant. She wanted to get an abortion but my father stopped her. She never once held me! She didn't want me! She never wanted me! So the answer is No! I'm not going to go see her and now if you don't have anything else to say, I'd like to head back home!"

I stand up and grab my jacket and briefcase. He stands up and I can see he's as tall as me. Well, he's not so tall after all! I look him in the eye and I feel some emotions that are strange for me. I have a brother! I don't know how should I feel about this. He gives me a card and says…

" This is my number. Call me if you changed your mind. Besides, you're my big sister and I'd love to hang out with you and know more about you!"

I take the card and he gives me a sad smile and leaves…

" I don't know, Mom! What am I supposed to do? It's not that I owe her anything. But I don't know how should I feel right now. A complete stranger walks in my office claiming that he's my half brother and that the woman who gave birth to me is so sick that might die any moment now!"

I called my mom first thing I arrived at home. Now I'm sitting on the countertops in my green white polka dot T-shirt and matching sweatpants and I'm chewing on my nails…

" Well, Honey! First of all, stop biting down on your nails! second of all, sweetie, she's the reason I have you now! So I say go and see her. what damage it could do, eh? What did your father say, anyway?"

I stop biting my nails. She's got hidden cameras in my house I swear! She's done this so many times! I start to doodle something with my fingers on the countertops and say…

" I haven't told him yet! I called you as soon as I arrived at home. I mean you're my mom and you have a right to know! I'll call him after."

I hear her smile. She takes in a deep breath and says…

" Anna, you're mom's life! I love you so much. I never thought of you as someone else's daughter. Because you're my daughter and as your mother I tell you to go see her. She wanted to visit you a couple of times. But you were going through a hard time then. You had recently found out about your birth mother and you were having a hard time grasping the context here. That was when your father and I took you to Europe for the very first time. You were five and soon to be six. Baby, that girl had nothing to do with me getting a divorce from your father. I told you I have ruined my marriage long before that! But there wasn't even one day that I wasn't thankful to her for giving birth to my little girl. So I'm going to tell you this, if you called me to ask my opinion, I am saying you should go see her!"

I pout and say…

" Really? You won't be upset or anything?"

She chuckles and says…

" Oh honey, she did give birth to you, but you were always my daughter!"

I smile and say…

" Okay then."

We talk about our relationships for another half an hour with me leaning onto the couch with Denise on my lap and then I call my dad to let him know what happened today. At first he is so shocked to hear this and he's worried about me getting hurt. I reassure him and tell him what mom told me and he agrees with her. So I decide to call the boy in the morning. It's eight thirty and I have to eat dinner. But I'm not hungry. I miss Dulcie and Phoebe so much! I really want to see them like right now. It's been like a week and half since the last time I saw them! I decide to give Amelia a call and if she would let me see them…

" Hey Amelia, it's Anna!"

" Oh hey Anna! How are you?"

She sounds friendly, which is totally weird…

" I'm fine thanks, how are you?"

" I'm good. So why did you call me?"

I run my fingers through Denise's fur and say…

" Well, I was wondering if you would let me see the kids. I miss them so much!"

I hear her take a deep breath. She remains silent and I say…

" I know I'm asking for too much but I would really appreciate it if you let me see them!"

She keeps silent for a minute or so and the says…

" Fine! Come over. You can see them now!"

I sit upright which startles Denise and she jumps down to the floor and starts barking…

" Really? Oh my God! Thank you Amelia, thank you so much. I'll be there in ten minutes."

She giggles and says…

" Take your time! Don't drive in a rush. The kids miss you too and Dulcie is feeling a little down today maybe you coming over would cheer her up!"

I grin broadly and go to my room to find what to wear…

" I will be there in no time! Thanks again."

"Sure…"

I put on my tight dark navy jeans and a gray and white knit sweater. Grabbing my jacket, I put on my black flats and go out of my room and soon I'm in my car heading Amelia's place…

Okay, I can do this. Here we go! Three sharp knocks. The door opens and I see Amelia. Okay, this feels weird. She's smiling at me! I look at myself to find something funny…

" Oh, Come on! I'm not going to stay a bitch forever. You're a nice person Anna and it's hard to hate you for so long. Come in, the girls are going to be thrilled to see you!"

" Hey, I'm so sorry again to bother you at this hour…"

I go inside handing her the packet of jelly beans I brought for the kids. Phoebe runs to me squealing my name. I sit down on my knees and hug her so tight. She's mostly a quiet and shy girl but she has been more acquainted with me during the play dates we had when James brought them home. I take her in my arms and ask her about her day. She tells me in her sweet language about how she took a bath in the morning and that she told her mommy to make her pancakes and eggs like I do for them when they come to our house…

" I love ma big sisto! she is good and she love Phoebe too…"

I crash her in my arms. I love the way she talks. She's so cute and I can't resist kissing her hard whenever she calls herself by her name, like she's the third person! I walk towards Dulcie who is weirdly quiet and motionless. I haven't seen her quiet since the first five minutes of me getting to know her. I sit on the couch and put Phoebe next to me. She starts to play with her alphabet cubes and I start to talk to Dulcie. She is naked in her teddy shorts and hugging her favorite Teddy bear which I got for her from Vienna a year and half ago. Seems like it's been ages ago…

" Hey, Kiddo! How are you? You didn't run to me like Phoebe. Are you mad at me or something?"

I swear to God something is off with this kid. Her breaths are shallow and she's flushed a little. She looks at me and gives me a weak smile…

" Hey, Annie! You came?"

Well this is a first! I scoot over at her side and felt her warmth. Oh God, she's running a fever! I put my hand on her forehead to check her temperature. I can say it's 102 or something. I call out for Amelia. Taking Dulcie in my arms, I start to look for something that shows infection or something…

" What is it Anna?"

Dulcie moans in my arms and I put a kiss on her hair and say…

" Since when she's been running a fever? And can you please bring me the first aid kit?"

She blanches and says…

" What? A fever? What are you talking about?"

"Bring me the kit, please! Then we're going pay a visit at the hospital. I hope it's nothing!"

She runs to the back of the house to where I believe it's the bathroom and comes back in a second. Her hands are trembling! I take the kit from her and search for a thermometer. I find it and check Dulcie's temp…

" Yup! I was right. 102° Fahrenheit!"

" How did this happen? Today when I took Phoebe for a bath she said she doesn't want to go. I thought she was depressed for not seeing her dad for a week then I told her I can call him for her to talk to! But she said she's just tired and she wants to sleep. She got up in the evening and said she was feeling warm and I told her to take off her clothes!"

I search for a diclofenac suppository or an acetaminophen or something to help this little Angel with her fever! But there's nothing helpful…

" It's probably nothing don't worry about it! You don't have anything good in here. We have to take her to a pediatrician. I know basic medicine but I'm not an expert in this field. Get me some clothes for her and you put a jacket on Phoebe. We're going to the hospital!"

She stares at me wide eyed and speechless. I shake my head and say…

" Look, Amelia! I know you're shocked now. But we need to hurry! Come, sit here with her. Take her in your arms. I'll go get some warm clothes for them."

I run into their room and get a wool woven T-shirt and a pair of knit pants for Dulcie and pick up their jackets from the hanger. Coming back to the living room, I take a look in the kitchen and see she was making dinner. I turn off the stove and go back to them. Taking Phoebe into my arms I put on her jacket and give Amelia the T-shirt, pants and jacket for Dulcie and say …

"Come on Amelia, we need to get going!"

She puts Dulcie's clothes on her and we go to the door. I take Amelia's coat from the hanger and hand it to her after she puts Dulcie lying on the back seat. She looks at me gratefully and says…

" Thanks Anna!"

I nod and give Phoebe to her. She takes her into her arms and I say…

" I don't know if it's a virus or anything. But I don't want to risk this with putting Phoebe next to her!"

She nods and gets in the front seat. I drive to the nearest hospital which is the hospital I work in. After parking my car I take Dulcie in my arms and run to the ER. It is so crowded here! I think there's been a car crash or something. Some of the doctors recognize me and come to see what my problem is…

" Dr. Pritchett, what is it? Why are you here?"

Dr. Jacobson is the best pediatrician in the Seattle and for some reason he's here in this hospital! he comes to us and says…

" Dr. Jacobson! Thank God you're here. Will you check my little Angel? I think she's been running a fever since this morning. It can be just common cold or the flu or anything. I need you to check her!"

" Okay, come here. Put her on this bed. Let me take a look at this beautiful girl of yours. I never knew you had a daughter!"

Amelia's standing next to me with sleeping Phoebe in her arms and she's absolutely quiet. I glance at her and say…

" She's not my daughter. She's my friend's daughter, but she's so precious to me!"

He takes a look at us and says…

" Okay, let me see!"

He smiles at Dulcie and says…

" What do we have here? A really beautiful angel! what's your name kiddo?"

Dulcie gives him a weak smile and says…

" My name is Dulcie! Are you Annie's friend?"

Dr. Jacobson is bewitched by her in a second and says…

" Yes, darling girl! I am Annie's friend. Did you feel sick in the morning?"

She wriggles beneath his hands and says…

" I was sleepy. Mama give Phoebe bath but I was sleep. I was tired."

He takes her temperature and says…

" Did you check her temp at home?"

" Yeah I checked, it was 102! I wanted to give her some acetaminophen or something but they didn't have one. So I just took her here. What do you think it is?"

Phoebe moves in Amelia's arms and mumbles something. I take her from Amelia and put her head on my shoulder to sleep well. She's a little heavy for Amelia but I'm taller and stronger than her. Dr. Jacobson does a full physical exam and writes some tests…

" We should run some tests to see what exactly it is. But I don't think it's more than a common cold. She doesn't have any symptoms."

I nod and say…

" Okay. Do we need to admit her for the night?"

He gives me a kind smile and says…

" it's not necessary but it's good to be sure!"

" Okay."

" A nurse will come to draw some blood from her. Page me when the results are in. I will rush the results for you."

I give him a smile and say…

" Thanks David, I really appreciate it!"

He gives me a pat on the shoulder and says…

" Anything for a good colleague like you, Anna! Page me if anything happens. I'm on call tonight."

" Thanks…"

And he leaves. I turn to Amelia whose face is whiter than bone and say…

" Hey, sit here with her. I will go admit her. It's probably nothing so you don't need to worry."

She gives me a haunted look and says…

" Okay…"

I put a hand on her shoulder and say…

" She's fine. Don't worry!"

She nods and sits on the chair next to Dulcie's bed. I want to give Phoebe to her. But she looks so beat! So I let her be. After admitting Dulcie to the ER, I go back to them and see my little girl is fast sleep…

" Hey, you know that my office is in the third floor. Let's take you and Phoebe up there. There's a bed there. You two sleep there. I'll be here with her…"

" I want to stay with her!"

I put my hand on her shoulder and say…

" Honey, there's nothing you can do here. You need to get some sleep because you have to be fresh for tomorrow that you take her home! Come on, let's go to my office."

She looks at me with tears in her beautiful eyes and says…

" I'm a terrible mother! I knew something was off about her but I didn't notice. I just thought it's because she misses her daddy."

" it's okay, she's fine! she'll be okay in no time. Let's go."

Looking at Dulcie in her sleep, I am thinking about the brother I didn't know I had until today. He is a charming guy. My parents are right. I should go see her. Not for her! For me! I need that, I need some kind of closure.

I refresh Dulcie's chart on the tablet for the millionth time and see the results are up finally. It's nothing, everything is fine. No trace of bacteria or virus or anything. Thank God! Her temperature has been decreased since they gave her the medications and she's sleeping sound. I put a kiss on her forehead and check my watch, it's four thirty. Putting down my head on the bed next to her, I decide to get some sleep before I have to go upstairs and start working…

I wake up with a jolt and start gasping for air. Damn it! My nightmares have been back since James left. They have changed a little. I'm not alone in my sleep! I hear a baby crying. I run to different rooms trying to find the baby but when I find the correct room, every where is covered in blood. It's like someone was murdered or something. That's when I wake up. I feel a hand on my shoulder that startles me. I turn to see Dr. Jacobson…

" It's okay, your little angel is fine and you can take her home. I prescribed some Acetaminophen and something else just in case she runs a fever again."

I look at my watch and see it's already seven thirty…

" Shit! I overslept."

He smiles kindly at me and says…

" It's okay. Take the day off! You're the head of the department so let your staff take care of your patients for one day! Go home and get some sleep. You look like a mess!"

I smile and say…

" You're probably right. I should discharge her first."

After doing the paper work, I take Dulcie in my arms and take her meds and go upstairs. I ask Dr. Adams to take care of my patients and she eagerly accepts my request. She heard about me being in the ER last night and she wishes me the best. I go to my office and see Amelia is sleep with Phoebe in her arms. I whisper quietly…

" Hey Amelia, wake up! We have to go home."

Her eyes spring open and she stares at me wide eyed and says…

" What is it? What happened?"

" Shhh… it's fine! Dulcie's fine. We have to get her home. Let's go."

She nods and opens her arms for me to give Dulcie to her. I gently put her into her arms and take Phoebe in mine. We go downstairs by the elevator and I drive back at my place. Amelia is so occupied that she doesn't understand where are we headed until I park my car in the garage…

" Why did you take us here?"

Taking Phoebe in my arms, I go round the car to open the door for her and say…

" Because I'm more comfortable here and I am a doctor if Dulcie runs a fever again and I have medications in my house. I also need to take a shower. So let's go inside."

We go inside from the back door. After letting them settle I know I have to feed Denise. I go to the front porch and call her out. She jumps up and I say…

" Hey, pretty! You must be very hungry. Let's go inside and get you something to eat!"

When we go inside she goes straight to her spot on the rug I bought for her next to the fire place. I pour some milk and her food in her bowl and put it in front of her. She must be starving because she starts eating immediately. I go to the bedroom and see Amelia is sitting on the edge of the bed looking at her kids…

" Hey, you need to shower. I will put some clothes for you. Go take a shower."

She looks up at me and I can see sparkles from her tears on her cheeks. I go near her and say…

" Don't beat yourself up. They're fine!"

I open the drawer and take out some clean towels and hand them to her and say…

" Here, these are clean towels!"

She takes them and says…

" Thanks…"

Then she goes to the bathroom. I take a long sleeved tight T-shirt and a knee length sports pants and a new pair of panties. Unfortunately her chest is so much smaller than mine and I have nothing to fit her so I just put the things I took out for her on the bed. I take my bathrobe and go to the other bathroom. After taking a five minute shower washing off last night from my body, I put on my bathrobe and go to the kitchen. I check the water I put for boiling and see it's ready. I start on making the breakfast. putting some milk in the pot and letting it to get warm for the kids, I start to sing for myself. I don't know what Amelia likes for breakfast so I just make what we usually eat. Bacons, pancakes, eggs, both fried and boiled and some cheese and tomato omelet. I set the table and turn around to go wake the kids to come eat breakfast and I see Amelia is leaning on the wall and she's watching me. I smile at the sight of her in my clothes. The T-shirt is okay for her and the pants cover her legs to two inches above her ankles and she has a towel around her hair…

" Good morning, you! Come sit here and start eating. I'll go put on some clothes and get the kids."

She walks up to me and throws her arms around my waist! I am taken aback. I blink a couple of times and put my arms around her. She's so tiny in comparison to me. She takes in a deep breath and takes a step back. I continue smiling at her pretty face…

" I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you are in my life! Even as my ex-husband's girlfriend! If it wasn't for you I never knew what to do last night. I am a mother I have to know what to do, but Jamie always took care of us! When the kids were sick he did all things. I never thought of this before. I never gave a thought to what should I do when my kids are sick. You might not be a mother but you're a natural!"

" Well, I'm not a mother but I am a doctor so I can keep my cool when I see my loved ones are sick. I did what I had to do so there's no need to thank me."

I pat her shoulder and go to the bedroom. After putting on some underwear, I wear my white V-neck knit shirt and my gray sweatpants. Phoebe is up but she's playing with her hands and doesn't say anything. She knows her big sister was sick last night and she doesn't want to wake her. I take her into my arms and say…

" Good morning beautiful, hungry?"

She nods sleepily and snuggles into my arms and puts her head into the crook of my neck. I take her to the kitchen and say…

" Mommy look who's up!"

I put her on her favorite spot on the counter and put her bowl of cereal in front of her…

"She always gave me a headache for eating her breakfast. But since you came she tells me she wants to sit on the counter and she eats everything I give her!"

I smile and say…

" I loved sitting on the counter and have my breakfast when I was a kid. I thought they would like it too and they did!"

I pat Phoebe's hair and say…

" Honey, eat up your cereal then there is a boiled egg waiting to go to your tummy!"

She beams at me and starts eating. I laugh and say…

" I'll go get Dulcie!"

I go back to the bedroom and see Dulcie is awake. She looks better than before…

" Hey, love cake! Feeling better?"

She beams at me and says…

" Goo monin, Annie! yes I feel good!"

I put my hand on her forehead to check her temp and she's good. I kiss her hard on her chubby cheeks and take her into my arms and say…

" Next time you feel sick you have to tell mommy, or daddy or me! Okay?"

She nods and puts her head on my shoulder. I know she's just cuddling and she's better now. We go to the kitchen and I put her on the other end of the counter across from her sister and put her bowl of cereal in front of her. I sit next to Amelia and start eating my breakfast…

" I don't know how to thank you, Anna!"

I laugh and say…

" Oh shut up already and eat your breakfast…"

She laughs and says…

" okay…"

" Now I know why everyone can't shut up about you!"

The kids are playing around with Denise and every now and then we hear them squealing. I've made the special soup my mom taught me and we all ate that for lunch. I never thought this would be possible but I think Amelia is enjoying herself as well. I'm drinking my strawberry flavored tea and Amelia is drinking her coffee and we are sitting at the porch, watching the kids playing. I can't help smiling so hard that my face is hurting…

" I never gave you a chance. I never allowed myself to get to know you. instead of believing in my husband I started to doubt him. I blamed you for driving us apart but I was the one who drove us apart. You were his friend. He had lots of friends but when I heard about you I disliked you. I didn't know why! We were having small problems at the time but I made our life a living hell for both of us!"

She finishes her coffee and puts her cup down on the table. Denise is licking Phoebe's face and she's laughing and screaming. Dulcie is doing the exact same thing and they look so adorable. I take out my phone and record this scene. They start running around again and Denise runs with them. I take some pictures too and send them to James…

" You're taking this for Jamie?"

I smile and say…

" Yeah, he hates it that he had to go on his own. He loves his kids and he has a hard time staying away from them."

" You know that we share their custody, right? He can have the kids anytime he wants!"

" Yes, he told me. I love them too… a lot!"

She smiles and says…

" I wanted to ask, why didn't you go with him? I thought he would take you with him now. We usually went all together…"

" I know! I loved to go but I have to work. It's not that my job is more important than my relationship but this is my life and this is what I do. I told him to take you with him!"

She laughs and says…

" Oh, dear! You know nothing about press, do you?"

" Yeah, No I don't! That's another reason I didn't go with him. People already hate me for your break up so I'm not going to put up a show for them to make them hate me more than they already do!"

She touches my arm and says…

" They don't matter! You do! You're a good person, Anna! I'm happy to see Jamie this happy. You comfort him and you are his safe harbor! It was my fault that he ran away from me and you could have taken advantage then. But you did your best to fix us! I mean you left your life and everything for Pete's sake. I know I was horrible the last time I came to your office, but I want you to know that I didn't mean that! I was just mad and I found you the easiest spot to hit! I'm sorry."

I can't believe I'm hearing this! This all seems like a dream. Me sitting here alongside Amelia watching our beautiful angels running around and laugh. I start giggling and say…

" Never in a million years I thought I would be sitting here discussing these things with you! I mean I always liked you! Even when you hated me. I liked you even then. I left my life for you not James! A woman to another! I did that to give you the chance to mend what you've broken. Because you're a human like anyone else. Well, so much prettier and hotter than others but still…"

She chuckles and looks at me with her pretty eyes…

" I wanted you to be happy, I wanted Dulcie and Phoebe to have both of their loving parents at the same time! So I left. But I was having a hard time. My parents helped me a lot and I found some friends who helped me get through with that. But I always felt that void from him not being in my life."

I look over at the trees in my garden and say…

"I don't know you know this or not but I had a crush on him since I was fifteen and we met in person when I was eighteen! I didn't know him then! But when I met him again, it all happened so subtle I didn't even feel it! One day I realized that I am waiting for him in the evenings and some of the times in the afternoon. He usually came in while I was working out. I didn't care that he's seeing me covered in sweats and all because he was my married friend. A friend who came to me for advice! As time went on I found myself glancing at the clock in the afternoons. Checking when he will be here! I had a crush on him in my teenage years but I fell for him in my adult years. I wasn't aware of my feelings for him until the party at my house and I went on a trip for my work for three weeks after that. I didn't answer his calls or texts or even emails. I didn't want to feel that way but that wasn't my choice. You know how easy it is to fall for him. Then I saw him at the masked ball at Eric's place. He tried to talk to me and he asked me if I was ignoring him which I certainly was doing, but I ditched him and you saw us together and cut in!"

She laughs and says…

" Ugh, I wanted to kill you with my bare hands! I knew something was off about Jamie. He was on a pedestal for weeks and then when I saw you two at that party and saw how at ease he was after weeks. I knew he had feelings for you. He didn't know and you didn't know but I knew and what's worse by the way you were looking at him I could tell you felt something for him too. I wanted to rip your throat right then and there!"

I smile at the memory of that and say…

" Yeah I vividly remember that! I tried to keep my distance from then on. But you had made up your mind about our affair. You thought we were having an affair without knowing the exact reason why he came to me. I was helping him how to deal with his problems with you. I kept telling him counseling wouldn't work if he didn't involve you. But he didn't want you to get hurt…"

Suddenly there's a lightning and then we hear a thunder…

" Dulcie, Phoebe! It's going to rain let's go inside."

Amelia calls out. They run towards the porch and Denise follows them…

" I grew up in Phoenix where the winters are at most freezing days, fifty degrees and when I moved here imagine my surprise my first months living here! The weather goes from spring to fall in a second! I still find it amusing."

I say while putting up a fire in the fire place. Dulcie and Phoebe are lying on Denise's favorite rug with her and I know they are soon going to fall asleep. I'll wait until their sleep deepens so I can move them to the bedroom…

" I grew up in London. It's mostly rainy there so I don't find it that amusing."

I smile and sit next to her on the couch. We sit there watching the girls for a few minutes. The only sound is the crackling of the fire. I can sit here looking at this scene my whole life. Both Phoebe and Dulcie had put their head on Denise's back and they are all asleep. My phone starts ringing. I pick it up soon before the loud volume of guitar wakes the kids…

" Hello?"

I whisper to the phone…

" Hey baby, why are you whispering?"

James whispers back at me…

"it's James!"

I mouth at Amelia. She smiles and says…

" Tell him I say hi…"

I nod and stand up and go to the balcony to be able to talk…

" Dulcie and Phoebe are sleep. I didn't want to wake them."

" They're with you?"

" Well, with me and Amelia. They're at our place!"

He remains silent for a couple of seconds I think the call has ended…

" Hello? James are you there?"

" Yeah I am here. What did you say? Amelia and kids are with you at our place? How did that happen?"

He's totally shocked!

" Well, last night I was feeling lonely and I missed the girls so much so I gave Amelia a call asking if I could go see them and she said ok! So I went there and while playing with them I realized Dulcie's running a fever…"

" WHAT? Is she sick?"

" Yeah baby, she's okay. When I realized we took her to the hospital I work in and our best pediatrician visited her and said it was nothing. They ran a series of tests and all which came back negative, so no need to worry. They just kept her for the night and discharged her in the morning. I took Amelia and Phoebe to my office in the hospital and they slept on the bed there. I watched Dulcie overnight and I was so worn out in the morning so I took the day off and we came here. I wanted to keep her close in case she needed care. We had breakfast and I made some soup for lunch. Amelia and I were sitting on the porch talking and watching the girls playing with Denise in the garden until it started raining and we came inside. The girls were so tired that they fell asleep the moment they laid down on the rug with Denise… Uh… and Amelia asked me to tell you she says hi..!"

" She didn't say anything to hurt you or something, right?"

" Oh no! Exactly the opposite. She's so thankful for last night and she even hugged me! And she said she's happy to see you're happy now that you're with me!"

" Wow! That's just… wow!"

" Yeah, tell me about it! So how are you? Everything went fine at the ceremony?"

" Yeah, it did. I miss you so much and I miss my girls! I can't wait to be back home."

" We miss you, too! Do you want me to get a video chat so you can see us?"

" You'll do that?"

" Of course I do! I'll text you to come online when the kids are up. Then you can see them through Skype."

" Thanks a lot! So until then…"

" Yeah, bye…"

" Thanks for everything, Anna! I'm sorry I've been acting like a bitch to you before."

We had lasagna for dinner and then I called James in Skype and he got to see us. I know how hard it is for him to be away from his kids. I could see the glittering of the unshed tears in his eyes. The girls were so thrilled to see their daddy…

" It's okay! You had every right to act like that! I would have done worse…"

Dulcie and Phoebe are asleep on the back seat so I get out to help her taking them to the house. I get Dulcie and she takes Phoebe. After putting them to bed we come out of their room and I say…

" Call me if she runs a fever again and give her the medications. I will come visit them again."

She smiles and says…

" Come anytime you want. Thanks again!"

" Oh shut up!"

I chuckle and hug her… she hugs me back and giggles…


	26. Chapter 26

I'm sitting on the couch in my office. I had a busy day. I had lots of patients today and I feel a little nauseated. My mom called today asking if I've visited Bella. I told her I didn't get the time but I know and she knows that I lied. I had plenty of time but I wasn't sure how to react when I go there so I postponed it. However, I have to make a decision.

I take out the card from my jeans pocket and dial the number. He answers after two rings…

" Hello?"

" Hi, um… It's Anna!"

" Oh hey, how are you? Everything okay?"

He answers cheerfully. I smile at his tone and say…

" Yeah, fine. How about you? You okay?"

I feel a little affection towards this man who's my brother. I feel a sweet warmth thinking of having a little brother every time I remember his face…

" Yes, I'm good. I thought you'd never call!"

" I thought that, too. But I changed my mind, I want to see her."

He takes in a deep breath and says…

" Thank you so much!) I know you don't have to do that, but I'm so glad you decided to see her!"

" Only because my mom told me to. Give me the name and the address of the hospital. I'll come over tonight."

" Okay!"

After getting the address I hang up. Maggie comes into my office with a cup of tea. She puts it in front of me and sits next to me. Putting her arm around my shoulder she says…

" Anna, you look so beat! What's wrong with you? You didn't eat your lunch either! You haven't been eating well and you look so tired all the time. I'm worried about you!"

I smile at her pretty face and say…

" I'm fine. I just miss James. It's been ten days and there are twelve more days before he comes back. I just wish he didn't have to go or I could have gone with him! The house feels so empty without him."

She touches my arm and says…

" I know, it sucks. Daniel went California last week and he won't be back until next week. So I kind of know how you're feeling right now."

That draws my attention. I smile at her and say…

" You two got it bad, eh?"

She blushes and says…

" I'm not sure about him but I love him so much! It kind of bugs me and saddens me because I feel I love him more than he loves me."

" Oh honey, it's always like this! Don't let it get to you though. And from what Daniel told me he loves you pretty badly, too. I get the feeling that you are special to him. Not one of the other girls he just dates. Honestly we both know he's not a kind of guy who goes deep with any one, but he's so deep in this with you. So don't worry! That's going to lead to paranoia and you're going to ruin your good relationship with him!"

She looks at me with her big hazel eyes and says …

" You think he loves me?"

I roll my eyes at her and say…

" I KNOW he loves you! So be happy!"

She beams at me and hugs me…

" Oh Anna, thank you! I love you."

I hug her back and say…

" I love you, too."

I park my car in front of the hospital. I found it easily, it wasn't that far away from my office. My phone starts ringing. I answer without looking at the number…

" Hello?"

" Hey girl, where the hell are you? I've been trying to reach you for days!"

Of course it's Jason…

" Hey pal, Sorry bad timing! You always call me at a bad time and when I arrive home I'm so tired that I just go to sleep. I wanted to call you but I forgot every time."

" Oh shut up! You get your sorry ass here tonight. Mary would kick me out if you don't come by!"

I grin and say…

" Okay, Okay! Sorry! I'll be there."

" You promise?"

" You have my word. Now stop bugging me I have to go see someone. I have a lot to tell you!"

" Okay so I'll see you…"

" See you…"

I get out of the car and go to the hospital… Alex is in the lobby waiting 0for me… he spots me and gives me a huge smile and his eyes light up… I smile at him and walk to him…

" You came…"

" I said I will… let's go…"

He nods and his smile vanishes… we go to the elevator…

" I haven't told her you're coming… because I didn't want to get her hopes up... she's so sensitive these days… I wanted to be completely sure before I tell her…"

I don't say anything and just continue tapping my right foot on the elevator floor… we arrive at seventh floor at neurology ward… we go to the end of the hall… the rooms have windows… I look at her through the window before going in… I am completely stunned…

" Well, Damn!"

" I was so shocked when I saw you at first, too! You two have so much in resemblance…"

It's like I'm looking in a mirror… I always thought I looked like my dad but… I look so much alike her… I take a deep breath and say…

" Well, here goes nothing…"

I open the door and go inside… Alex comes in after me… she's asleep… she must have just started on her chemotherapy because her hair is intact… she has curly olive blonde hair… her curls are circling her ashen face… Alex goes to her and stands by her bed… he puts a hand on her delicate shoulder and says…

" Mom, wake up… look who's here!"

Her eyelids flutter and she opens her eyes… she blinks a couple of times and looks around… her eyes catch me at the end of her bed… my heart sinks seeing her like this… I always thought I would be so mad when I see her but seeing her like this… I can't be mad at her when she's so sick… her eyes fill with tears and she says…

" Are you Annabella?"

I feel the skin over my head stretching…

" My name is Anna! I came here to see you because my mom told me it was better if I came…"

I see her tears running down her face to her pillow… I don't have to be so curt… me being a bitch wouldn't change anything… so I say…

" I came here as a thank you… for giving birth to me… and for leaving me… if you stuck around and never gave me the love I wanted, I wouldn't be the person I am now… I have two loving parents who gave me everything… so I came here to let you see what I've become and see that I'm a successful grown woman…"

She smiles and shows me her dimples… Damn! Why should she look this much the same as me?!

" You look like me! Your curls… your eyes… you're an inch taller than me though!… I know I gave up every right on being your mother when I walked out on you… but I reached out and wanted to meet you a few years later… I asked for a favor from Jeffery because he had my written consent that I didn't want to do anything with you… I was young and stupid… I was twenty one for God's sake… but he rejected my request… he said you just figured out about your real birth mother and you were so shaken… they took you to a Europe trip… they took you to the Disney World in Paris and I saw you there… we had an agreement me and your mom… she said I can see you as long as I didn't come near you… then I saw you… you were much more grown up for your age… you were young and sweet and beautiful…"

She takes in a deep breath and continues…

" I used to google you now and then… I knew you became a psychiatrist like your father… I really wanted to meet you… I went to your office a couple of months ago but they said you gave up your practice and went away… that was when I found out I have this tumor… I was caught into a series of surgeries and stuff… I was talking to Alex a few weeks ago and I told him about this daughter I have… I said I wanted to see her before I kick the bucket… I didn't mean for him to come down and bug you about coming to visit me… I don't want to guilt you or anything… you don't owe me anything… I'm only the woman who gave birth to you… I know I'm not your mom… I don't want to burden you…"

She's nice… I didn't expect her to be this nice… I shake my head and glance at Alex who's watching me concerned… I know how he's feeling… he's afraid I would say something to break his mother's heart… she may not be my mother but she's his… and he is my little brother… so I put a polite smile on my face and say…

" It's okay… I wanted to come…"

I stay for two hours or so, talking to her… she tells me about her career… she used to be a supermodel… now she's a fashion stylist… it's so funny because I have some of her styles in my closet thanks to Lucy and my mom who ganged up a couple of times and took me shopping for clothes…

I glance at my watch and say…

" It's nine already… you need to get your sleep… I want to take a look at your charts, will you let me?"

She gives me an eye crinkling smile and says…

" Of course…"

She's about to say something else but she doesn't… I smile and say…

" I'll come visit you again… I don't know when but I will as soon as I get the time…"

She beams at me and says…

" Thanks a lot…"

I lean forward and put a kiss on her forehead… this woman who looks so much alike me… she closes her eyes and her tears wash her face…

" Bye…"

I go out to the nurse station and ask for her charts…

" I'm happy you finally made it…"

I laugh at Jason's tone… I came here right after coming out of the hospital… I bought some candies and toys for his kids too… Ellis and Melissa look so beautiful… I smile at them competing with each other at whose toy is better than the other… they are constantly fighting and pulling each other's hair… but they're also in love with each other… it's like they mess around with one another but if someone else tries to hurt one of them the other one would bite their head off …

" I always wanted to have a sibling… I never felt this way… the way your kids feel when they fight or the way James's kids feel when they dance around the house… I didn't even have a cousin or anything… how does that feel?"

He gives me a sideways look and says…

" It kind of sucks… you know! You have to share everything with another person… you have to be there for them… they are mean to you if they're older but you don't get to be mean to the younger ones because your parents won't let you… but it's kind of cool too…"

Mary puts down the tray of teacups and sits next to Jason on the couch and says…

" what are you moaning about? You barely had two siblings… I had a rough time growing up with four sisters and a brother… I got the worst of it because I was the last one…"

She smiles at me and says…

" So honey, don't beat yourself up about it… you didn't miss out on much..."

I smile at her beautiful face and say…

" Thanks, Mary… you've always been a sweetheart!"

I see Jason's frown and laugh at him for being jealous of me treating his wife with love…

" Oh, unclench… I'm not going to take her away from you…"

He beams at me and says…

" I can't trust you… she's threatened to leave me for you…"

My eyebrows shoot up and I turn to face Mary…

" You did?"

She rolls her eyes and says…

" I said I will leave him with the kids for a night and I will go crash at your place…"

I laugh looking at Jason's sheepish face and say…

" Jason, honey… for a sophisticated psychiatrist you are so dumb sometimes…"

He gives me a grin and says…

" Well, I'm a man! We are supposed to be dumb sometimes…"

I shake my head and laugh at him…

" What's eating at you, Anna? I know you like the back of my hand… talk to me… what's going on?"

Jason puts his coat on my shoulders… I'm standing in the balcony looking into the night… my head is spinning with all the things happened these last days… Jason puts his arm on my shoulder and says…

" Come on… spill the beans…"

I take a deep breath and say…

" everything's a mess in my life, oppa! The woman who abandoned me the moment I was born is sick now… it's like one day I'm in my office thinking about how much I miss my boyfriend who is actually a popular superstar and I'm counting down the days left till I'll see him again… and then a gorgeous guy comes into my office and BAMM! He says his my brother and that his mother has a malignant brain tumor… and apparently she wants to see me…"

I run my fingers through my hair and say…

" I was so shocked that it took me a week or so to get it together and go see her…"

" What does she look like?"

I look into his eyes and say…

" As much as I hate to say but she looks exactly like me… it was like I was looking into a mirror… and she looked like a mess though… I was there before I came over… I was parking my car in front of the hospital she's in when you called me…"

" I didn't know anything! You could have canceled on me… I'm sorry for pressuring you to coming here…"

" oh, shut up! I wanted to come… I missed you and Mary and your cute little dolls… God! They're adorable…"

" Just like their aunt Annie! I was worried about you… you've always been alone in that house but I knew you were okay… but it's different to be alone after not being alone… you know what I mean?"

I nod and say…

" I know exactly what you mean! I don't know how it happened but I love James so much! These feelings crept their way through me and it happened so subtle that I don't even know how it started… I just know that I love him so much…"

He raises his left brow and says…

" I knew it since the moment I saw him in your house… I knew you have no idea how you really feel about him and I was a hundred percent sure he had no clue of his feelings for you either… so I tried to provoke him… make him jealous… I didn't know how it worked out!"

I chuckle and say…

" once we were talking and I told him that I had loved someone in past and that there was never anyone like him for me… I never felt for anyone else the thing I felt for him… and when you showed up, he thought it was you! And he was really convinced that it really was you!"

He gives me a sideways look and says…

" I can't say I didn't have a crush on you back then… but we got along and we sort of bonded and I never wanted to lose that… because there was something about you that I knew you wouldn't go farther than that with me… so I settled for the next best thing… which was having you as my best friend… and I truly love Mary… I can't thank you enough for introducing me to the beautiful shy blushing girl sitting next to you at that party… I fell for her the moment I got her into my arms and we danced that night…"

I smile at the memory of that night…

" I could see you fall in love with her the moment you laid eyes on her… I was so happy that night… I knew I would get lonely from then on but I didn't care… as long as you two, my dears, were happy… I was happy…"

He wraps his arms around me from back and kisses my cheek…

" I was never more grateful for having you in my life…"

We stand there for a while… watching the rain pouring down heavily…

I stand at the end of Bella's bed and look at her beautiful face in her sleep… the door squeaks lightly when Alex opens it… I put my index finger on my lips before he starts greeting loudly… he's a cheerful guy… I actually like him so much… he's my baby brother after all… I smile at his sparkling eyes and follow him outside… he hugs me as soon as we go out of the room and says…

"Thanks so much Anna… I appreciate it… mom feels so good every time she sees you… I can see her eyes glowing every time she looks at your face… I know you don't owe her or me anything… you don't have to do this… but you come every day and it makes us really happy…"

I smile and hug him tight… then I let go of him and say…

" I want to do this… I feel good about it… I want to be here… you know I don't see her as my mom… because she's not my mom… my mom is Amanda and she's one and half a thousand miles away from me… but I want you to know you are the big part of the reason I come here to see her… because I want to get to know you… she may not be my mom but that doesn't change the fact that your my brother… well technically half-brother but still…"

He raises his brows skeptically and says…

" Seriously? I thought you didn't like me!"

I laugh at him and say…

" Well, you're an idiot! You're my brother and you're so sweet… of course I love you… why wouldn't I?"

He gives me a shy smile and shrugs… I hear the sheets shuffling and I know she's up… I go inside and say…

" Hi… I'm here… what do you want?"

She looks around the room… she seems a little confused… I definitely know the feeling… she searches the room with her eyes until she spots me… she gives me her radiant smile and says…

" You're here! When did you come?"

" Just a couple of minutes ago… you were sleeping so peacefully… I didn't want to wake you…"

She smiles at me… I pour her a glass of orange juice and sitting at the edge of the bed, I hand her the glass…

" so how do you feel today?"

She takes a sip and says…

" I feel nauseous from the chemo... they elevated the drug levels… it's hitting me hard…"

I look at her messy hair and look for my little hair brush I carry with myself in my purse…

" Well, at least you know it's for a good cause… you're going to get better…"

I find my brush and hold it up with a triumphant smile… she eyes me warily and says…

" What's that?"

I start to brush her curls… her hair comes off a lot… it's all because of the chemo… I can feel the growing lump in my throat so I clear my throat and say…

" You know I've got curls, too!"

She stares at my perfectly straightened hair in the expensive salon Amelia took me the other day and says…

" No kidding! There's no way… how did you get it so straight?"

I shrug and say…

" Well, my friend took me to a beauty salon and I paid a thousand bucks for these babies to sit straight… they said it will be like this for six months but I doubt it would last more than a month or two at last… but it's worth it I think…"

She smiles and says…

" You have a boyfriend?"

I finish brushing her hair and stand up to dispose the hair in the trash can and say…

" yeah, I've recently started my relationship with the man of my dreams…"

She claps her hands and says…

" Well, tell me about him… what's his name? What's his job? How did you guys met?"

I raise my brows and smile at her enthusiasm… I tell her everything about my relationship with James, who she actually knows and claims she's met him in person before… she's so sad when I tell her that I had to run away from him because I didn't want to ruin his life… she knows what I'm exactly talking about and she says all these years there wasn't a single day she didn't regret that one night stand! she says she was young and idiot and she didn't know the town she's been in… she was just about to start her career so she had to give me up… I want to tell her that doesn't matter you never give up your baby but I keep my mouth shut… what's done is done… why should I argue about that?...

I take a look at my watch and it's ten already… she looks so beat… I caress her knuckles and say…

" Honey, you look so tired… you need to get your rest and I have to go home and get some sleep… I've got a busy day tomorrow…"

She gives me a weak smile and says…

" Okay sweetie… drive safe…"

" Thanks…"

I help her lie down and kiss her forehead before leaving…


	27. Chapter 27

" I am telling you she's completely a match for your trial… Yes, of course I know… let me know…"

I hang up and look at Denise. She jumps to sit on the couch next to me. She puts her head on my lap and make a throaty sound when I run my fingers through her neck. She looks up at me and barks…

" Yeah! I miss him too."

She watches me with her big eyes and barks once more and gets off the couch and goes to sit by the fire place on her favorite rug…

I think about Bella; She seemed worse the last time I saw her. It's been half a week since I started visiting her and she gets worse every time and I feel like I have to do something. I told James about it that night when I came back from Jason's house. He said I did a great thing going to see her.

I hear a ping on my phone…

" Hey sweetie, you awake?"

It's James. I text him back instantly…

" Yeah baby! I'm going online in a second!"

I run to my room and turn on my laptop immediately. Opening the skype I receive a video call from "Mi Vida"… I click on the answer button...

" Hey baby, how are you?"

I feel a lump in my throat. Tears well up in my eyes and I can't talk. I just look at his dear, dear face and let my tears find their way out. He's in his pajama bottoms and he's showing his beautifully structured chest. I can't say a word so I just shake my head. He frowns and says…

" Oh sweetheart, Don't cry! I'll be home in no time. I miss you so much."

" I … miss you… a lot! The house… feels so… empty without you… come back soon… okay?"

I manage to croak between my sobs. He touches the screen with his fingertips, the gesture for touching my face. I calm down. I can feel his warmth. He watches me worried and says…

" Okay baby, I'll come home as soon as I can. It's just only five more days."

I nod and say…

" I saw your interviews last night. I don't like that girl. I don't remember her name. She seems so clingy and I don't like the way she looks at you! You're mine!"

He laughs so hard that tears come out of his eyes. I can't believe I actually said that! I stare at him wide eyed and hold my breath…

" God! I wish I was there to crash you to my chest. You're so adorable when you get jealous!"

I grimace and look down. I feel embarrassed. I don't know what became of me, but he doesn't think I'm pathetic. I give him a sheepish smile and he laughs again. He puts his hands on his belly and says…

"Oh, I laughed so hard that my stomach hurts. God! I miss you so much!"

We talk for an hour or so and then he says he must go. He has a meeting or something, so we say goodbye and finish the call…

I go to the kitchen and open the fridge to see what appeals to me. I spot one of my favorite yellow apples. I take it and grab my book to go sit on my rocking chair by the glass wall in the living room. Throwing the thin blanket on my laps I start reading from where I left off and take a bite of my apple. An hour later I hear three sharp knocks on the door. It's weird! Because I am not waiting for anyone. I get up and go to the door…

" who is it?"

" An old friend!"

I open the door instantly and say…

" No way! You're here!"

Jim comes in and takes me into a big bear hug which makes me hear my bones cracking…

" Oh My God! Jim you're here! You're actually here! You said you canceled, you son of a bitch!"

I bump my fists on the hard muscles of his back. He chuckles and says…

" Your mom said you loved surprises, so here I am! Surprise!"

He lets go of me and I let him in the house. He comes in and goes to sit on the couch. He looks at me from head to toe and frowns …

"Let me see! Damn, you look beautiful! You seem to have lost some pounds, at least six or seven I guess…"

I beam at him and say…

" Thank you very much. I have a tight schedule here and I barely get the time to eat. I'm going to get to my residency days' weight soon!"

He shakes his head and says…

" Are you starving yourself to get thin? Are you insane? Which is funny because you're a psychiatrist yourself!"

I take a bottle of James's favorite beers and go to him. Sitting next to him, I hand him the bottle and say…

" I don't starve myself. I just don't get hungry and I'm nauseous a little all the time."

He takes the beer and says…

" You definitely know how to welcome a man home!"

I punch him in the arm and say…

" Cut the crap! So tell me, how's everything? Found your way yet? Started any business?"

Looking around at the house, he says…

" I decided to invest my money in some companies. Jack helped me find some good ones. Hey, you work out here? That treadmill is yours or your boyfriend's?"

" Well, the house and its contents was all mine until I sold it. James bought here actually and kept everything exactly the way I kept them and now that I'm back, we practically live here together…"

He smiles radiantly and says…

" I'm so happy for you, Anna! You're finally happy!"

I bring up my legs up on the couch and bend them under me and lean on the back…

" I really am. Being with him is all I've ever wanted and I feel so lonely now that he's away."

He takes me into his arms and says…

" Oh Anna, don't worry! He'll be back before you know it…"

I hug him for a couple of seconds and then pull back…

" So you met anyone special while I was here?"

I ask him dancing my eyebrows at him. He rolls his eyes and says…

" I'm too young to settle down. I'm happy with these bed warmers coming and going in my life right now!"

I punch him hard in the gut and say…

" Shame on you! When are you going to grow up and get your act together? Those are girls, not bed warmers! You understand?"

His face is screwed from my attack and he says…

" Come on! Since when you've become a defendant of women's rights? And they are not self respecting girls. They all know me. They know I'm not the man for them, but they're in my bed before I'm in it. They know I'll never let anyone sleep in my bed with me but they still try! They know they can't be exclusive about me but they're young and naïve and each of them thinks they have what it takes to bound me down, but they don't…"

I look at his graceful face and see his desperation. I know how it feels to go from one person to another knowing they're not the one. I put my hand on his shoulder and say…

" Hey buddy, I don't know when and where, but I know some day at some place, you're going to look around the room not knowing what you're looking for until you find it. Your eyes meet, your heart skips a beat and starts beating a frantic tune and all the cells in your body will come alive. That day you know you found the one!"

He turns to me with his special crooked smile and says…

" The way you paint this picture for me, I think I'm falling for you!"

I slap at the back of his head and say…

" you won't grow up, will you?"

He grins and says…

" Seriously, are you an author or something?"

I roll my eyes at him and on my way to the guest room I say…

" I sometimes write some texts in one of the monthly journals…"

I take out clean sheets and start making the bed in the guest room for him. He comes after me and says…

" No kidding! Seriously? Why didn't you tell me before?"

I shrug and straighten the covers over the bed…

" It's no big deal. I've started writing since I was in the college. It's kind of become my habit so I got on with it and now there's a book of my notes from all these years. The manager sent me a copy and he said people love it."

He frowns and says…

" Well, you're a well-known doctor how have I not heard about you being a writer as well?"

I look at my handiwork on the bed and nod to myself when I know everything's okay with it and go to the kitchen. Jim follows me there, waiting for me to answer his question. I take a pitcher and fill it with cool water and after taking a glass I go back to the guest room. Putting down the pitcher and glass on the bedside table, I say…

" I wanted to remain anonymous. I've never even once gone to one meeting of the journal crew and they don't know my real name. I just write with the name of "The drifter". It's a little weird! But it's what it is…"

He beams at me and says…

" can I read it?"

I nod and say…

" Yeah, you can. Now go to sleep it's past eleven and I have to go to work tomorrow…"

I take out the copy of my book from the shelf and walk over to him. He gives me a kiss on my cheek and takes the book and goes to the room…

"How is she?"

Bella is feeling so much worse. I've been visiting her for the last week and yet she keeps getting worse every time I see her. I'm here now talking to her doctor about her condition…

" I'm so sorry Dr. Pritchett, but her last scans showed multiple metastases in her lungs and liver and pancreas. We were as aggressive as we could with her treatment and we maxed our chemo drugs, but it apparently didn't do much good. We could go with the surgery to take out the mets but it's so risky now given her condition…"

Alex squeezes my hand and I know how devastated he is right now. I run my thumb on his knuckles reassuringly and ask the doctor…

" what are her odds?"

He glances at both of us and says…

" Not good. There's a five percent chance of survival after the surgery, but it wouldn't guarantee she would be cancer free or that the mets won't come back…"

Mr. Jones, Alex's dad is here with us too. He asks the doctor…

" How much time does she have now?"

Dr. Anderson glances at us all and says…

" It's hard to tell, but given her state I'd say less than two or three weeks. it's just a matter of time now. From now on she just keeps getting worse."

I can feel Alex shaking. I put my hand around his waist making him lean on me and support him. I smile appreciated at the doctor and say…

" Thanks Dr. Anderson. We appreciate your work. I get that she's terminal now, and she must be in great pain. would you please give her morphine or sedatives to at least ease her pain a little?"

He gives me a considerate smile and says…

" Of course! I wish we've met in a better situation Dr. Pritchett. I'm so sorry again for your aunt's situation…"

I smile and thank him. I didn't tell the people that Bella is my birth mother. Why not? Well, first of all it's nobody's business and second of all, I don't need to tell everyone about my personal life. So I told them she was my aunt which is believable with our similarities. Alex sits on one of the benches in the hospital corridor. His father sits next to him. They look so deeply sad and desperate. I only can sympathize with them. That woman may not be the mother to me but she's family to them. I sit next to Alex and put my hand on his shoulder and say…

" Hey, I'm so deeply sorry for what you're going through. I can't know how you're feeling and I wish I will never feel that. I know it's really hard and it sucks, but you can count on me, okay?"

He watches me tearfully and says…

" I may need to call in the middle of the night or something! can I do that?"

I smile at his handsome face and say…

" Sure, what are big sisters for?"

He gives me a weak smile and says…

" You have to go home, it's late!"

" I can stay some more if you want…"

He shakes his head and stands up…

" No, I'll walk you out…"

I stand up and turn to face Mr. Jones and say…

"Mr. Jones, Alex's got my phone number. Call me if you had any questions or you needed any help or anything. Feel free to call me at anytime."

He gives me a haunted look and blinks a couple of times and then it seems he begins to process what I just offered. He stands up and looks deep into my eyes…

" when I met her she told me everything about her life. She told me about this daughter she had in the States and that she blamed herself her whole life for giving you up."

He takes a deep breath and continues…

" I'm so glad you decided to give her a chance to get to see and know you. Now she's happier. I can't thank you enough for that. You didn't owe us anything but you did a huge deal by coming here to see her. Not once but every time you got a chance, thank you a lot…"

He opens his arms. I don't know how should I feel about this but what the hell! I'm a big hugger so I give him a hug and pat his back for soothing him…

" so that bad, huh?"

I'm sitting on the porch with Jim. Denise is asleep. She's been out with Jim today and I think he wore her out by walking her about five miles or so. I hope she's okay. We're sipping our beers…

" her doctor said she's end stage. It's only a matter of time now…"

I gaze at my long fingers moving around the bottle and my eyes sting with tears. Jim puts his hand on mine and says…

" I'm so sorry…"

I shake my head and wipe my tears with the back of my hand and say…

" I don't know why I feel like this. I barely know her…"

"she's the woman who gave birth to you and you sort of bonded with her. It hurts."

I nod and take a sip. I look into the woods and say…

" I can't wait for the next five more days to pass. I miss James like crazy. I've never felt like this in my whole life."

I turn to look at Jim's smiley face. He says…

" when you were in Arizona I've never thought I could see you like this. You are utterly happy and joyful and it's a real pleasure to see you like this. I hope to see you this happy all the time…"

" Can't you stay a little more? Do you really have to go this much soon?"

He puts a peeking stray of my hair behind my ear and says…

" Yeah, they are throwing a party for beginning of the next season and I have to be there for my buddies…"

I pout and say…

" Okay. I'll take you to the airport tomorrow. But first I need to check on my patients. Do you mind coming to the hospital and waiting in my office for a while?"

He shakes his head and smiles…

" Of course not. It would be a pleasure to be in your office."

We laugh and start to talk about his work with Jack…

" So this is my office!"

It's seven thirty and we're in my office. Jim looks around my office and says…

" This is a nice office you got here. How much you get paid?"

I roll my eyes and say…

" well, that's none of your business!"

I point at the sofa and say…

" you can sit there if you want. I'll be thirty minutes at most."

He rubs his hands together and says…

" Take all the time you need. I want to go around your stuff!"

I shake my head with laugh and say…

" Do whatever you want!"

Putting on my white coat I go out and start rounds with one my new residents named Dr. Alexander Rodriquez. He's a pain in the ass and makes a mess of everything. But he's a good kid. He mistreated some of my patients last week and caused a real trouble.

We reach at Mark's room, my very severe schizophrenic patient. I've done lots of research and done lots of video conferences with my teachers and other doctors in all over the world but there hasn't been so much of a success. He still goes real crazy sometimes...

He's sitting on the edge of his bed and he's looking around of his room panting. He's murmuring something like "I won't let you take me!" but I'm not sure it's what he's really saying or not. I can see sweat beads on his face. He wets his lips and his eyes catches me. I put a kind smile on my face and look at him. He watches me with hooded eyes and growls…

" Hello Mark, how have you been? Are you okay? How is your hand?"

He broke his hand three days ago when he was trying to escape from the hospital. He's been acting so wild lately so I doubled the dosage of his drugs and he felt better after that. But he doesn't look well now. He gives me a haunted and confused look. I continue smiling at him and wait for him to find himself. They have told us times and times that if you feel threatened in the presence of a psychiatric patient, believe in your instinct and run away. My instincts tell me he would attack me, I have to run away but I don't. He stands up and walks to me. He's a tall guy and he's towering me when he stands a foot away from me. It's so important not to be afraid of your patients because they can feel your fear and take advantage of that. So I square my shoulders and look up to his eyes and say…

" What is it? Do you need anything?"

He smirks and then everything happens in a fraction of a second. He growls and knocks me down in a moment. I can't fight him so I just scream for help. He takes me and puts me on his shoulder and storms out of the room. The doctors run after him to stop him but no one can do anything. He's a really big guy and there's really nothing I can do. I can't break free and I'm having trouble breathing. He stops for a second and I think he's done. But of course, I'm wrong!

" You think I'm going to let you get me? Go to hell, bitch! Where you came from!"

He says and throws me down the stairs. All I can do is scream and calling out God for help. He kicks me down all three flights of stairs. When I reach the ground I feel completely numb. I feel something wet running inside my legs. Crap! I think I peed in my pants. Darkness comes to me finally and I close my eyes to fight with the excruciating pain growing in my body.


	28. Chapter 28

I don't know what day it is… I don't know what time it is… I just know I'm hurt… I just know I lost something… something I didn't know I had… something really important…

I don't talk to anyone. At least I haven't talked for the last few days; It's not that I don't want to, it's because I can't. Everyday I start my days crying until noon, then fall sleep then I wake up in the evening and cry through the night…

The doctors tell me I'm lucky to be alive, they say I'm lucky that due to my long hours of working out for years I have no torn ligaments or any broken bones. They say all I've got is some bone bruising and some bruises all over my body. They say I'm lucky that I have my both ovaries and my uterus is intact…

But I don't give a crap to all those things; I'd rather had lots of broken bones and torn ligaments but I had my baby inside me right now… the baby I didn't know I had… the baby that lasted only five weeks…

My cycle's never been on time so I didn't understand when I didn't have my period this month. All those mood changes… all those crying and those days that I've struggled with nausea. I'm a doctor but I didn't have a clue of what was going on in my body. All these years I was yearning for a baby… I was thinking about getting a donor for God's sake! But the time I was having a baby I didn't know about it…

James is back; He's been back since the day I was attacked. Jim called him and he took the first flight back home. I don't know why but I'm mad at him! I haven't looked at him or paid attention to him and yet he doesn't budge! He's here everyday, sitting on the leather armchair by my bed, talking to me. He tells me about the things that went on during his trip, he says he missed me a lot and he has apologized to me like a hundred times. I know he had no choice and he was obligated to go, but I don't know why I'm mad at him. I haven't let him touch me since he's been back. I watch him in his sleep every night, he sleeps on the comfortable sofa that they have provided for him in my room. He hasn't gone out so much. He's only taken some quick showers and he came back immediately every time; He doesn't want to leave my side. I won't admit it but I'm happy that he's here all the time…

Jim hasn't left as he said he would. He's still here. I think there was a fight between him and James… but I'm not sure it really happened because I was partly unconscious when I heard somethings; I remember Jim yelling at James about being irresponsible or something like that, but again I'm not sure it was real or I was hallucinating… I remember waking up and seeing him in my room a couple of times and he comes to visit me everyday. He wanted to tell my parents but I didn't want them to worry, I shook my head and gave him a serious look and he agreed on waiting until I got better…

Jason has come here, too. He comes here every day at six o'clock and by some unsaid understanding James goes out when he comes. He sits by my bed and reads me the news. He started reading me the novel I was reading before this accident happened to me. I listen to him only because I really want to know what will happen in the next chapter… what will Emma do after Anderson tells her he was the one who killed her father… how would she react?... if it was I who found out that the love of my life is the person who killed my dad, I would kill him with my bare hands…

I glance at the clock it's six ten and he hasn't come yet. Looking at the door I see there's no one there. I sigh and stare at the ceiling… the door squeaks open but I don't turn my head because I know who it is. My reaction to his presence hasn't changed after all this time… my heart skips a beat and starts beating crazy fast, suddenly I'm panting. He walks to my bed and rises the head of my bed and arranges the pillows under my head for me in order to breathe easier. Damn you James Dornan! he knows me so well. He knows the effect he has on me. I take a deep breath and look at his face for the first time since he arrived. He hasn't shaved for days and his beard has grown and covered his face. A faint smile plays at his lips and he says…

" You know, I was crazy about your curls… but I like your hair like this, too… you look beautiful like always…"

My eyes sting with tears. I don't know why but I'm mad at him. He runs his knuckles down my cheek to my jaw line… my tears accompany his fingers down my face. He watches me worried and says…

" I'm so sorry baby, I should have been here to protect you! What can I do to make you feel better? Tell me… talk to me… I know you're mad at me for not being here when this happened to you. You have every right to be… but just tell me… what can I do? Do you want me to leave? Do you want to not see me at all? I know it will kill me to be away from you but I'll give you space if you want…"

There's a knock on the door and then it opens. I look at the door thinking Jason came after all, but what I see takes me aback. I hear a high-pitched squeal…

" Annie!"

Dulcie runs to my bed immediately. James hugs her and says…

" Hey pumpkin… what are you doing here?"

Amelia comes in with Phoebe in her arms and says…

" Anna! What the hell happened to you? Are you alright?"

James looks at her and says…

" Millie, what are you doing here?"

Dulcie kisses on her daddy's cheek and says…

" Daddy! I want to hug Annie. She hugged me when I was sick and I was good… I want to have her good…"

I open my arms for this little beautiful angel, James puts her on my bed and says…

" Easy… Aunt Annie is hurt so don't jump on her, okay?"

She throws herself at me without listening to a word her daddy says. I suck in a breath when feel a sharp pain in my ribs but I ignore it and hug her tight… Phoebe wriggles in her mom's arms wanting to join her sister. She puts her on my bed and turns to face James and they start talking. James looks like a bad student waiting for punishment. He follows her to the corner of the room but I don't pay attention to them and look at these two dolls sitting on my bed looking at me with worry. Dulcie throws her arms around my neck and says…

" Annie… I miss you… you don't come see me… I tell mom I miss Annie… we go your home… doggy is there… big man says Annie is sick… we come here…"

I feel a punch in my stomach! She is one of the reasons I go to church every Sunday… she is one of the reasons God created this universe. Phoebe is quiet like always, she stares at me with her big round beautiful blue eyes. I hug them both tight…

" I miss you too, my cute dolls…"

I croak… after what seems like a week I talk! I know I'm not clean and I've been in this bed forever but I can't control the need to crush them against my chest…

" I love you two so much…"

I can feel James's eyes on me… he's watching me wide eyed… he seems like he can't believe his ears…

"Annie… you're good?"

Dulcie says and kisses my cheek. I put thousand s of kisses on her chubby little cheeks and say…

" Yeah baby girl, now that you're here I'm good…"

She beams at me and says…

" Yaaay!"

Phoebe smiles at me, too. James comes to me and says…

" You can talk! Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

I look at his face. He's obviously concerned about me. I give him a weak smile and say…

" I'm fine. I just need to take a shower but I want to be with the kids… how did they let the kids in the ward anyway?"

Amelia smiles kindly at me and says…

" well I said we came here to see you and apparently everyone here knows about you and the accident; so they let us in. Go have your shower honey. We won't go anywhere. Call out if you needed help!"

My eyes sting with tears and say…

" Thanks Amelia… it means so much…"

She puts her hand on my shoulder and says…

" Any time…"

I look at my self in the mirror and see I look horrible. After taking a ten minutes shower I feel better but my body is covered with bruises and scratches and apparently every move I make, hurts. It did one good thing, though. I'm thinner! I think I might be one hundred thirty pounds like I wanted to be.

Putting on my pajamas I come out of the bathroom and see James is sitting on the couch with the kids sleeping on his lap. He smiles at me and says…

" How are you feeling? Do you need anything? Are you hurt? Aren't hungry?"

I smile at him and sit on the edge of my bed and say…

" I'm fine baby. I'm feeling better. Sorry I worried you…"

He shakes his head and says…

" Don't be…"

I look around the room and say…

" Where's Amelia? Is she gone?"

" No she went to get a cup of coffee… she'll be back…"

I come down and walk to the couch. I sit on the couch next to James and take Dulcie in my arms. She puts her head on my shoulder and snuggles in my arms. I take in a deep breath in her hair, I love her scent. Putting my head on hers I close my eyes and let my tears wash my face. I don't know why specifically I'm crying, but I'm feeling better as every tear fall down. I feel James's hand through my hair. He doesn't say anything… he just comforts me by moving his fingers through my hair. After a few minutes he says…

" Baby, can you take Phoebe? I have to go to the bathroom I had too much to drink today and then I have to make some phone calls…"

I chuckle and say…

" Yeah, give her to me…"

I wrap my left arm around her delicate body and put her head on my left shoulder. She looks exactly like her sister… it's like someone copied Dulcie and pasted her here just two years younger. I love them both from the bottom of my heart.

There's a knock on the door and then it opens…

" Hey, I'm back! The coffee here is so good… I didn't expect that…"

I open my eyes and smile at Amelia's beautiful face...

" It's because the customers of that cafeteria are the doctors who work here. I, for example, am one of their best customers… I even gave them some advice about how to absorb more people…"

She smiles at me kindly and walks over to me. She sits on the short table in front of the couch and touches my face with her left hand…

" I'm sorry Anna… I'm so sorry…"

She seems so sad that I'm taken aback…

" what are you sorry for?"

She presses her lips into a hard line and then says…

" When I heard you were back… that you and Jamie are together and you live in the same house… the house you owned before you left everything behind and left this town… the house that Jamie bought because he didn't want your memories to go away, I wished bad things for you; I was jealous and I wished you pain and suffer. I wished you heartbreak and I wished you get into a car accident or fall down from a height; I wished that you get hurt and I know it was foolish and childish but I felt that way at the time. My granny always said be careful what you wish for because the Amen angel is always saying Amen and if he hears you and says Amen it will happen. I really believe that this happened because of me and you have no idea how sorry I am… I can't even look into your eyes right now…"

I put my hand under her chin, bringing up her head I say…

" Hey, accidents happen! It's nobody's fault. I agree with your granny by the way… always be careful what you wish for. And if you blame anyone you have to blame that stupid intern of mine who's mistreated my patients which led to this disaster and I believe that God gives us everything with a plan. If he had a plan for me to have a baby right now he would keep my baby even after all that happened. But he didn't and I'm sure he had a really good reason! So stop beating yourself up…"

She gives me a weak smile and says…

" I asked your doctor about your injuries, They said you can have other babies. Dr. Bailey said your ovaries and your uterus are intact. I'm not sure what exactly does that mean but I think this means that you can carry a baby again; you're okay…"

I smile at her lovely face which is lined with worry lines and say…

" You got it right… it means exactly that! I'm sorry that you have to go through with this. You didn't have to come here. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to come here and comfort your ex-husband's girlfriend about the baby she lost, but all these aside, I always liked you Amelia… you're a beautiful and successful woman. You were the reason I left, because I wanted to save you and your kids, because I didn't want you to go through what you're going through now. But I guess I couldn't do anything…"

She exhales and says…

" It did do some good though. It gave me perspective of what I was doing to Jamie and myself. He was the best husband any woman could imagine. He's always been that way, but I don't know what became of me… I went crazy and I started torturing him and it hit me when you left. Jamie did all he could to make our marriage work but... it just didn't work out the way we wanted it to and I tried my best to hate you… it was so hard though and you've always been so nice to me…"

Dulcie moves and opens her eyes…

" mama, I'm thirsty…"

Amelia's face lightens up and says…

" Hey, sweetie! Do you want some water?"

She shakes her head and says…

" Orange juice please…"

I smile at her angelic face and tell Amelia to take some from the fridge. James and Jim make sure the fridge stays full. Jim is thinking about himself though, he eats up everything whenever he comes here… that reminds me of something…

" Hey, Amelia! What do people think when they see you and James here… visiting me!"

She takes Dulcie from me, handing her the juice box, sits her on her lap and says…

" Well, James told your doctors that you're his cousin and I said I'm your friend and that we are kind of family… why do you ask?"

I run my hand through Phoebe's silky hair and say…

" because this is my work place and I don't want them poking their nose in my private life…"

She gives me a considerate smile and says…

" Don't worry… you're okay…"


	29. Chapter 29

" Is all this really necessary? It's a simple gathering, isn't it? So why do I have to wear this fancy dress?"

Dakota has came here since this afternoon and first she made me a bubble bath and talked my head off about the date she had with Jim… she said they met in the hospital when she came to visit me here and they apparently hit it off. Well, they're both chatterbox so I'm happy they found each other! After the bath she did my hair and makeup and now she's forcing me to wear a really gorgeous dress…

" Oh, Unclench… you were so much better last time I saw you… I mean you were so much more game in that barbecue party you threw at your place and the guys can't shut up about how energetic you've always been… I want that… and you have to give me that tonight… because you deserve it and so does James… so be a good girl and let me doll you up!"

I take in a deep breath to cleanse my mind, and I seriously think she's right about me being energetic before. I have to try and find that again! I give her a bright smile and say…

" Okay, bring it on…"

She beams at me and says…

"Hey, that's the spirit…"

She helps me get into the dress… it's a long sleeved ankle length deep emerald velvet dress… it has a perfect cut on my left leg to mid-thigh and has a sweetheart neck which shows my cleavage and it lace in the back. My body's still covered up in bruises but Dakota has so professionally and artfully taken care of them with cream powder and foundation creams and some other things that I don't even know their names!

" God, you look perfect! Now your shoes…"

She puts a pair of three inches stilettos same color as my dress in front of me and says…

" Wear these and let's go…"

I watch them in horror and say…

" I can't wear this thing! Not because I'm hurt, but because I can barely control my balance in two inches in my best state of health… I'm going to fall down on my face the first second I put these on!"

She rolls her eyes and takes the shoes and take out their heels and says…

" I knew you would react like this so I got something that can be used both as flats and heels. I let you have it this time but the moment you get better I'm taking you walking in stilettos five miles a day…"

I laugh at her and say…

" Well, good luck finding me then!"

" close your eyes…"

We are in the car and we're heading out of the hospital's parking…

" Why on earth should I do that?"

I stare at her in disbelief and horror! What is this girl going to do to me? She gives me a sideways look and says…

" Honey, don't ruin it please… it's a surprise! So be a nice beautiful girl and play along!"

I shake my head and close my eyes laughing! It's a good thing though, I lay my head back at the car seat neck pillow and try to clear my head of everything… after a couple of seconds I doze off...

"hey, honey wake up… we're here!"

I open my eyes and look around only to see we're at my house…

" so all this dress up was for taking me back home? I thought you were planning to take me to the red carpet as your date!"

She laughs out loud and says…

"oh right! Like James is ever going to let anyone take her beloved girlfriend anywhere except for himself! Come on! Let's go inside…"

I get out of the car and walk through the garden door. My joints still hurt from my accident, but then my tolerance for pain is higher than usual people due to lots of mishaps of my earlier years of childhood.

Denise isn't outside so I figure James has took her inside. I was discharged from the hospital today so Dakota is taking my stuff from the car…

" We're going to put these things inside and go out…"

I reach for my keys in my handbag and find them easily, I lived alone for so many years and there was no one to open the door for me, so I had to open it for myself and because of that I always put my keys where I can find them easily. I open the door and turn to my left to reach for the light switch. I turn it on and suddenly a crowd shouts "Surprise!" and there's a big sign hanging from the wall which says "Happy birthday Dear Anna"… I've been in the hospital for so long that I have lost the track of time… today is November twenty fifth… wow!

I'm completely taken aback, I had no idea they have planned this. Turning around I look at Dakota's vicious smile. I can't believe it, everyone's here… my mom and Jack… my dad and Lucy… and all the guys… Jason and Mary… Maggie... they all are watching me with loving eyes. My mom's the first one to come and hug me… she takes me in her arms and my tears start running down my face...

" Happy birthday my little girl… it's like it was just yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time and now look at you… you're all grown up and beautiful."

She takes me at an arm length, studying me…

" I'm so sorry about what happened to you, baby. I heard it from Jim, when we arrived here. We flew to Seattle last night to surprise you for your birthday... why haven't you told us? If I had known sooner, I wouldn't have left you on your own to gather the shattered pieces of your heart together, I know how it feels. You should have let me know sooner, I could have helped you."

" Amy, stop the interrogation and let me congratulate my daughter, too…"

I hear my dad's deep and warm voice and all my cells fill with warmth… Ah this man, the man who brought me up with all his heart, the man who taught me every thing I know, the man that is my first love, the man who knows me better than anyone and can gauge my mood by the way I breathe… I love him so much and my heart constricts seeing him after what has happened to me recently.

My mom lets me go and I go into my dad's arms and like always it feels like the safest place in the world, the most heart warming place I've ever known, he hugs me hard, so hard that I can hear my bones crack. I've always loved his hugs and now I'm tainting his brand deep brown button down shirt with my tears; thankfully I have worn waterproof mascara and I usually don't scrunch my eyes when I cry, my tears just trickle down my face. He puts a lingering and supportive kiss on my forehead and watches me from head to toe…

" Happy birthday, my sweet darling girl! You were the best thing that ever happened to me… I thank God for giving you to me everyday. The first moment I held you in my arms, I felt I was the most blessed man on earth. You looked at me with your big round bright hazel eyes and my heart was about to explode with happiness… I love you so much, never forget that! "

He wipes my tears with his finger tips and looking up at his wrinkled forehead, I remember all those years I used to sit on his lap and he would talk to me about everything… I would ask him about all the things I was curious about and he would answer all my questions. I was a handful growing up and he put up with me very well. I touch the crinkles around his eyes and say…

" Thanks dad, it means the world to me! I love you so much, too. I have a lot to talk to you about!"

He kisses my cheeks and says…

"We will talk about your incident later, now I have to let you greet your other guests…"

James is next to me in a breath. I look up into his beautiful eyes and at his dear face, running my fingers trough his sideburns, I put a chaste kiss on his sweet lips and say…

" I love you…"

That's all I can manage… my heart fills with lots of emotions but those three words are the only things I can get out. His eyes light up like the fourth of July and says...

" I love you more, and happy birthday my love… thank you for being born and coming into my life."

He kisses me quickly and accompanies me to greet others… it's actually so refreshing seeing them after all this time… it feels like the old times… when we used to gather together in each others' house and we played cards and truth or dare or charade… all those memories are so valuable…

" Damn! Look at you! You look like you've came out of a movie or something. But of course, we have Dakota to thank for that actually…"

Eric takes me into a big bear hug and says…

" I'm so happy you're okay! Happy birthday darling girl!"

I feel a huge lump in my throat and hug him tight. It seems like it was just yesterday that we were at that charity ball at his house and we talked about James in his balcony…

" I missed you so much, Eric!"

" I missed you too, honey… And I'm so deeply sorry about what happened to you!"

" C'mon! Go hug your wife and let go of my girlfriend!"

I hear James nagging angrily. Eric and I look at him and then we look at each other and both burst into laughter. Eric releases me and soon James's hands replace his… I search Eric's face while he's giving me his dimple showing, face splitting smile...

" You look different with stubbles…"

He rises one brow and says…

" Good different or bad different?"

I can feel James's intense gaze on my face but I keep looking at Eric…

" Oh, really good different!"

I give him and exaggerated wink and he laughs loudly…

" Okay, we're out of here!"

I laugh at James's sweet jealousy and watch his beautiful face. He manages to keep a straight face but I know he's dying of laughter inside…

I talk to Daniel and Andy and Jackson and other guys, too. Andy is a little quieter than usual… something is up with him, but I don't know what! I ask him what's wrong but he shrugs me off in a most un-Andy like way…

" I know something's bothering you, and I'm soon going to know what it is! I may torture it of you!"

He watches me with wistful eyes and says…

" Don't sweat it, baby… I'm okay! Happy birthday…"

And he hugs me tight… I put my arms around his waste and an annoying heaviness tugs at my heart… something doesn't add up. He puts a kiss below my ear which makes me tingle. I look deep into his unfathomable eyes and says…

" We will talk later!"

He smiles and nods before going for a refill of the Sauvignon blanc, my dad's favorite wine...

Daniel and Maggie are really cozy, Daniel has his left arm wrapped around her delicate shoulders. She's in a tight knee length deep blue dress which fit her perfectly, pronouncing her curves… and Daniel is like always, in jeans and T-shirt, never coming out of his comfort zone! However, I feel an ultimate joy seeing them together, it's like my own little sister is happy and crazy in love with the man of her dreams…

Lucy and Jack hug me each and congratulate me in their own words… I like them both… they're making my parents happy, so I'm happy.

James has done a really great job throwing this party… there are different types of drinks, alcoholic and beverage and different kinds of finger foods on the counter. I walk up there to get a drink and eat something because I'm starving. I take a glass of pinot noir, which incidentally has become my favorite red wine, and take some bacon-wrapped potatoes… I pop one in my mouth and say…

" Damn! These are good…"

I feel a hand on my shoulder, I don't need to look back to see who it is, I would recognize her warmth even in my death, after all these years…

" When Jim told us what happened to you, I felt the sky falling on my head! I remembered how I felt when this happened to me… the amount of rage and disappointment that I had… being mad at everything and everyone… being mad at myself for not being more careful… being mad at God for letting this happen to me! I remember how hard it was for me and I was deeply sad that you had to feel that, too…feeling the loss, the sharp pain whenever you take a breath, the pain that stops you from breathing. Why on earth my daughter had to go through what I went thirty years ago? Why did this have to happen to you?"

I swallow the lump in my throat and say…

" I'm okay, mom. I had an episode of catatonic state, but I'm fine now. Maybe it was God's will. If he wanted me to have a child now, he would let me have it even after being thrown off three flight of stairs. Everything happens for a reason and you're the one who taught me that… I'm okay now…"

She hugs me again and says…

" Thank God you're okay, baby girl! I'm now kind of grateful for you being clumsy as a kid; you fell off your bike or the tree or the stairs all the time. It became routine after a while. James said drinking excessive amount of milk as a kid and those accidents and the fact that you work out regularly, helped you and so you weren't hurt that much!"

I run my fingers through her hair and fill my lungs with her heavenly scent…

" I love you mom… I'm so happy you're here with me tonight and I'm so happy that you're my mom…"

" Baby, you're mom's life… I can't even breathe without you…"

And who can excite me and calm me down at the same time with just ten words except for my very own mom?… the answer is easy… no one!

" I have good news…"

I come out of her arms and say…

" What is it? Are you pregnant?"

She stares at me in shock and says…

" No! What is it with you and your aunt Marta that every time I say I have news you guess I'm pregnant?"

I shrug with disappointment and pout…

" because I wanted a little brother for so many years… so what's your news?"

She shakes her head and says…

" I have to ask you something… will you be my maid of honor?"

I stall for a second… maid of honor? Does this mean…?

" Oh my God! Jack proposed? When? How?"

She beams at me and says…

" it was the most romantic thing in my life… Last week when we were in Hawaii… he said he has this meeting with a customer and that he wanted me to go with him… we arrived there and he said he wanted to go meet with him and asked me to take a bath… I took a bubble bath and when I came out there was a message on my phone from him asking me to wear the dress and shoes he laid out for me and meet him in the hotel restaurant… I went down there and heard the music that was playing… it was "forever and ever" of Demis Roussos… he asked me to dance with him and sang along with the song and in the end he got down on one knee and asked if I will marry him… and I was like well, hell yes!"

I laugh at her last comment and say…

" I'm so happy for you mom… you deserve to be happy and I'm so glad you found someone who makes you happy... did you tell dad?"

I look around and find him talking to Eric and Jackson… they're all laughing at God knows what and Lucy is talking to James and Dakota… everyone's entertaining themselves…

" No sweetie, I wanted you to be the first one to know…"

I give her a sweet smile and say…

"So when's the wedding?"

"I don't know we haven't set the date yet…"

" Let's do a Christmas wedding!"

She stares at me in shock and says…

" Seriously?"

" Yeah! What do you want to wait for? Besides it's cold so you don't have to worry about your makeup melt down… what do you say?"

She shrugs and says…

" Okay!"

" Yay!"

" Remember the time I visited you in Arizona?"

I'm dancing with Eric… I missed him so much… he has always been like a big brother to me…

"Yeah! What about it?"

" You were so sad and so vulnerable that it killed me seeing you liked that! I wished you hadn't left… you were happier when you were here… but then it wasn't my decision to make… I knew James and Amelia had been separated and I tried to bring it up but you told me you didn't want to know anything about him so I didn't say anything… but deep down I always had a feeling that you two will get back together…"

I smile at his beautiful blue eyes and say…

" You are very dear to me Eric. I like all the guys but you've always been something else… it was a real pleasure for me to see you then but it was painful as well… because seeing you meant I was going to think about James and it was a tough thing to do… I couldn't stop crying that night… I cried all night long thinking about our memories…"

He watches me with deep sorrow and says…

" Remember I told you not to worry… that good days will come? Well, here we are… dancing at your birthday party which James has thrown you…"

I smile and say…

" Yeah, we are…"

After a long nice dance with each and every person in the party, I ask Jack to have a word with him… we go to the balcony… I turn on the lights so we can see each other… I turn to face him and see he's nervous… I've been told I intimidate people and I have a tendency to make others nervous… but I never thought I could intimidate a former Army sergeant…

" My mom told me about the proposal…"

He contains his face and says…

" I love her Anna… I want to spend the rest of my life with her… she makes me the happiest man in the world and I want to spend the rest of my life making her feeling the same way..."

I take a deep breath and say…

" You're a good man Jack… I knew that since the first time I saw you… you have my blessing… but I wanted to warn you… if you ever hurt her you have me to deal with…"

I give him one of my scary looks and he seems scared for a moment, but then he gathers his wits and says…

" I will never hurt her Anna! I promise!"

I look inside and see my mom is dancing with my dad… they both seem so happy… I feel my tears running down… I cry so much tonight… I think I might still be hormonal…

" I always wanted them to be happy… I tried to contain them and make them realize they can be happy with each other… but no matter how much I wanted them to be happy together, they found their happiness with other people… though, I don't really care, as long as they're both happy, nothing else matters…"

I smile at the sight of them… James comes to the balcony and says…

" Baby come in, it's cake time…"

I smile at him and take his arm and go to the house… Jason and Mary are bringing the cake… they start singing…

" Happy birthday to you… happy birthday to you… happy birthday dear Anna… happy birthday to you!"

Every body sings along and they clap their hands… James dims the lights with the remote and puts his arms around me… Jason puts the cake on the table in front of us and everyone gathers around the table with us… there's a big rectangular cake with my picture on it… I remember the time and place but I don't remember taking a picture… they start counting down from twenty nine… they all clap and count down…

" make a wish!"

James whispers in my right ear… I look into his eyes and I know what my wish is… I dip my head and close my eyes…

" God! Please give me health and happiness… and bless my relationship…"

I say in my mind then open my eyes and blows the candles…

" Damn! I'm really twenty nine…"

Jason gives me a glass of white wine and says…

" Yeah, you really are!"

I give him a sideways look and say…

" laugh now! I'll see you next month on your birthday… you'll turn thirty!"

He continues smiling and says…

" well, I'm grateful… I have a really loving wife and two great kids and a wonderful job… I've achieved most of the things I wanted to…"

I know he has no intention to, but he breaks my heart… the constant lump that has been in my throat all night and has grown like a cancer is choking me now… I know what I have to do but I don't want to do it in here… right in the middle of the party so I run out of the front door and head towards the woods… I don't know where I am… I just know I'm far enough so I stop and start shrieking… I scream from the top of my lungs and cry… I scream so loud and I try to get all the pain I'm feeling, put in my larynx and get it out of my system… after what seem to be ten or fifteen minutes I feel like my feet can't bare my weight anymore… my knees shake and before I fall down I feel two powerful hands snaking around my body and take me into his arms… I put my head in the crook of his neck and close my eyes… taking a deep breath I take in his special scent… I wonder what it is but my mind is going off and soon I'm dozed off into a troubled sleep…

"No… please don't… I can't take it anymore… please Nooooo!"

I wake up and start panting… James takes me in his arms and wipes my tears with his fingertips and says…

" it's okay baby… I got you… you're alright!... it's okay… you're here with me…. I got you…"

I look into his eyes, panting… I touch his face… he's real… this is real… I'm awake…

" Oh thank God! I'm here… you're here…"

I kiss him without worrying about my bad breath or anything… I kiss him because I need it… I need to feel him… I haven't kissed him since he came back… he gets the message from my body and breaks the kiss…

" Hey, don't worry… you're alright… I'm here with you…"

I don't care what time is it or how stupid I look right now… all I know is that I want him right here… right now… I start kissing him again… he must have undressed me because I feel that I'm in one of his T-shirts… he kisses me back but I think it's just so that he doesn't break my heart… I don't want to think about it now… I just want him… I reach down to take the T-shirt off me… James takes my hands and keeps them on my sides… he moves so he's on top of me… he trails small kisses to my jaw and my neck… I close my eyes and cherish this feeling…

" Anna… are you sure you're okay? Do you really want this?"

I open my eyes and give him a teary look and say…

" Yes, I want you… I missed you so much…"

I can see his pain in his eyes… he kisses my forehead and says…

" I've missed you too, baby…"

I put my hands on either sides of his face and say…

" Make me forget about everything…"

He groans and starts kissing me… he's so passionate that I have trouble keeping up with him… I just do what I can and soon I hear my T-shirt tearing apart…

I wake up with a feeling of excessive heat… I open my eyes to search for the source… well it's both James and the sun… by the looks of the sun's place it must be around noon… I check the clock on the nightstand and see my guess was true… it's eleven fifteen… how did we sleep this much?... well it was almost morning when we went to sleep… I put my head on my propped up left arm and look at James in his sleep… his lips are parted slightly and I can hear him breathe… I recall some of the events of last night when I woke up in the middle of the night… I feel so much better now… actually I felt a lot better after sleeping with him… which makes me realize why sex can be therapeutic for depressed patients… I've read and wrote articles about it but I never have experienced it for myself…

James rolls and throws his arm around me… I feel like I'm being suffocated… I know I love him and all but I really can't tolerate the heat that radiates from his body… I slowly move away from him and get off the bed… taking my bathrobe, I head for the bathroom. After taking a five minute shower I feel all fresh and good. Putting on my bathrobe, I come out of the bathroom and go to the kitchen to make breakfast. I take a look at the calendar on the counter and see today is Saturday and tomorrow is Sunday… church day. I fry some eggs and decide to make egg rolls and fruit salad for breakfast. I'm dicing the strawberries that I feel a kiss on the back of my neck which gives me goose bumps on my arms. I smile and turn to face my handsome boyfriend… he's taken a shower and his hair is in his graceful forehead. He rubs his nose to mine and gives me a slight kiss on my lips and smiles…

" Good morning sunshine!"

I smile at his dancing eyes and say…

" Good morning sweetie… sleep well?"

He puts a lock of my hair behind my right ear and says…

"Well, I had a little interruption in the middle of the night besides that I slept fine…"

He raises his left brow at me and has a mischievous look… I look at his dear face and say…

" What was the interruption?"

He dips his head and says…

" it was a really sweet interruption… in fact you can interrupt my sleep like that any time…"

I laugh and turn to continue making breakfast… he sits on one of the bar stools and says…

" What was your dream? When you woke up?"

I stop dicing the bananas for a second and take a deep breath… then I continue doing the rest. It is dead silence for a few seconds. I turn to get the plates from the cabinet and after putting the egg rolls on the plates, I put the plates on the counter. I can feel James's eyes on my face. I look at his eyes and I know he won't say any more…

" I had the dream… of the accident I had…"

He takes in a sharp breath and reaches for my hand…

" I'm so sorry baby… you don't have to say any more… it's okay…"

I sit on the stool next to his and say…

" I still feel it sometimes… I feel the kicking… the feeling of rolling down the stairs… the feeling of the ceramics when I finally reached the first floor… all I could think of was you, my parents and Mark…"

I feel I can't breathe but I have to talk. I started talking so I have to go through with it. James puts his arm on my back and rubs my back in circles and lets me talk. Tears prick in my eyes but I focus on my breathing for a few moments then I continue…

" I thought I peed in my pants… I could feel the wetness between my thighs and I never thought I would be pregnant…"

I croak… I remember exactly what I was feeling that moment… tears starts to run down my face…

" My period was never on time so I didn't notice that I missed my period this month. However, it was so obvious… the mood swings, all those tears, and the constant nausea … I'm a doctor I should have known what was going on with me but the hormones affected my brain too… so I had no idea… but when I woke up I knew what happened… I knew that I had something and I don't have it anymore. The doctors said the baby was probably five weeks or so… they said I was lucky that due to my years of working out I had no torn ligaments or broken bones… which was kind of a miracle… but I didn't care… I lost my baby and I didn't give a damn about my bones… I wanted my baby back…"

James raises his right hand and wipes my tears… he's still quiet…

" I was mad at you… for being away for so long… for not being here when it happened to me… It was irrational but I was mad at you… I wanted to be mad at someone and you were the easiest target… I was in a catatonic state but I knew what was going on around me… I knew how embarrassing it has been for you when Jim called to tell you what happened to me… I knew you were hurting seeing me that way… I knew Jason has put you through hell but I felt better knowing you were hurting like I was…"

I take a deep breath and drink a sip of my orange juice and say…

" this is a coping mechanism… feeling better thinking your mate is having a hard time like you do... I knew that too… I was looking for someone to blame and you were the my first goal… it didn't matter that you didn't have to do with anything… but you were so nice and calm and patient with me and I missed you so much… after a while I was ready to talk to you… then Amelia came with the girls and it was my cue… seeing them made me realize why I was this upset… because I wanted one of them… I wanted a baby and not just any baby… I wanted your baby… I've always wanted that…"

James caresses my cheek with his thumb and says…

"Sweetie, I promise to give you tons of babies… as soon as we get settled and you get better… does that sound good to you?"

I smile at his pretty deep gray eyes and say…

" Yeah baby, it's really good… thanks for listening…"

"No, thank You! For talking to me… for confiding in me and trusting me… and baby I'm so sorry I left you alone for so long… I promise I will never go alone again… it's either I go with you or I won't go at all…"

He marks his sentence with a deep breathtaking kiss on my lips and then says…

" Let's eat our breakfast before it's cold…"

It's around three in the afternoon and I'm leaning in James arms on the couch sipping my coffee and he's talking to me about his trip, when I hear a car pulling out…

" Who could it be?"

I unwillingly come out of James's arms and go check who's just come. looking out the window I say…

" Well, it's weird… it's Jason and his family…"

I open the door and the girls come in squealing my name…

" Happy birthday Annie…"

I sit down on my knees and take them in my arms and says…

" Thank you beautiful girls…"

They congratulate me in Korean too… I thank them in Korean and I kiss them both and stand up to greet Jason and Mary… I hug each of them and say…

" Thanks guys for last night… and I'm terribly sorry about my outburst…"

Mary pats my shoulder and says…

" It's okay sweetie… we totally understand…"

Jason is quiet though… he's eyeing me like he's expecting me to have another breakdown…

" Come in… make yourself at home…"

James is playing with the twins. He's a father himself so he's great with kids. I go to the kitchen to bring everyone coffee. Mary comes to the kitchen and puts a lunch box on the counter. I eye the box suspiciously and say…

" What's that?"

" This is called Samgyeatang… it's a Korean soup and is made of ginseng and chicken. It will help you heal faster… I took the recipe from Jason's mom…"

I smile at her beautiful face and say…

" Thanks hon… you didn't have to. How's Mrs. Park? Still having trouble with John?"

She rolls her eyes and says…

" Oh God! She's really struggling… John's a real handful…"

I put a cup of milk and sugar in the tray and say…

" Having an ADHD kid isn't easy at all… she has to be really careful since he's so much accident prone…"

She nods and purses her lips. We go to the salon and see James and Jason are in deep talk but they stop when we reach them… Jason looks at me and says…

" How are you?"

I put the tray on the table and sit next to him…

"I'm okay… I'm so sorry for last night!"

" I should be the one apologizing, not you! I'm sorry I was so unprofessional…"

I give him a sad smile and say…

" Because I'm your friend Jason, not your patient…"

Mary takes a cup of coffee and says…

" It's okay honey… you don't need to apologize!"

I smile at her beautiful blue eyes and give Jason and James their cups. James takes his coffee like me… with milk and sugar… but Jason always takes it black!

I sip my coffee before putting milk and sugar in it and wince at the bitter taste of it!

"I don't know how you drink your coffee black!"

I look at Jason in disbelief… he shakes his head and chuckles…

" I can't believe after almost eight years we're having the same conversation over and over again! If you can't handle the taste why do you drink coffee at all?"

I shrug and say…

" I like coffee but not black! It tastes so much better with milk and sugar!"

He laughs out loud and says…

" Well, if I'm not wrong, your next step is going to make me drink my coffee with milk and sugar to prove your point and I'm going to not like it like all these times!"

We laugh loudly together… I look at James who's watching me with a faint smile but he's eyes are dancing. He's happy to see me laugh… Mary looks at us and says...

" You seem like those old couples who've been married for fifty years and they always argue with each other but they're desperately in love…"

I look at Jason and we both start laughing… James laughs too and says…

" I couldn't agree more!"

The twins are playing with the toys I had bought for Dulcie and Phoebe… I smile at the sight of them… I missed them so much. I put my empty cup on the table and go sit on the floor with them…

" So, tell me what have you learned recently?"

They both turn to face me and sit cross legged like I told them to, they start to tell me the words they learned in Korean and Spanish, rooting on both sides of their parents. I love them so much, their beautiful blue eyes which they took after their mother and their high cheek bones which they took after their father. Being with them reminded me of how much I want a kid of my own…

I made lasagna for dinner and there was plenty of food left from the party last night. We had so much fun having dinner together. The twins were arguing about who's prettier which was so much hilarious because they are identical twins…

Mary is asking James about his movies and I want to get some air so I go out to the balcony. Jason follows me out. Leaning down, I put my arms on the railing and take in a deep breath…

" when did you take that picture of me? The one on the cake?"

Jason gives me a bottle of beer and says…  
" Remember that conference in Ohio? We were on the second year of our residency and we both had our papers published and they accepted yours and you were the keynote lecturer in that conference! You were talking to some guy who wanted your advice on some project which was actually bullshit and he was just trying to flirt and get into your pants, but you were completely oblivious to his flirtatious attitude. So when he saw he couldn't get any where with you, he just left you alone. You turned around and you were looking for me and you looked just adorable. I took a photo and kept it… you were the first girl I ever loved…"

Well I'm really shocked! Jason? Loving me? It's not possible! I try to play it cool and say…

" Ha ha! You're so funny!"

He looks deep into my eyes. I know this look, I've seen it a couple of times, he is giving me his serious look…

" Anna, dear… I love you… I always loved you and will love you… but not the way I used to. I never said anything because if we started dating and things didn't go well it would end our friendship. I valued our friendship so much and didn't want to ruin it at all. So I kept my mouth shut and you introduced me to Mary and things changed into a different path… but it doesn't change the fact that I love you Anna… as my ever dearest friend… you are my family Anna and it hurts me to see you hurt. Last night I don't know what the hell happened to me and I said those things but I never intended to hurt you honey… you've always been so strong that I forgot you were sick… so please forgive me. You know I can't live with myself if I know you are heart broken because of my stupid mouth…"

I well up and really don't know what to say. I throw my arms around his waist and bring him nearer. I hug him and put my head on his left shoulder. He wraps his arms around me and lets me stain his shirt with my everlasting tears. I don't need to say anything… he knows me so well so he keeps quiet and pats my back while I sob in his arms…

James wraps his arms around my waist from behind and his chin rests on my right shoulder. We are standing on the porch, watching Jason and Mary going away and it's pouring rain… James puts a long kiss beneath my ear and his lips start to play with my earlobe… which gives me tingles all over my body and I try to get him off me… I hear him chuckle…

" God! I don't know how can I love you this much? How is someone's heart capable of this much of feelings?"

And who knows the best way to snap me out of my blue mood? Well, I think I know the answer to that! No one but my really handsome, really cool and perfect bodied boyfriend. I turn around in his arms to face him. I touch his stubbly cheek and love the feeling of them beneath my finger tips. Looking into his beautiful eyes, I say…

" Why are you this much good? What did I do to deserve you?"

He raises his brows and says…

" Well, that's actually the question I've been asking myself for a while!"

He snakes his arms around my waist and kisses my palm. I move my hand and touch his forehead, his worry lines are becoming prominent. I move my fingers to the corner of his eyes, he's getting crow's feet around his beautiful eyes. He's not the same person I was in love with so many years ago. We are both grown ups now. I loved him as a girl back then… now I love him as a woman…

" I don't know how I went through with my life all these years without you. All my life has been a misunderstanding before you came along…"

James watches me worried and says…

" Baby… I love you so much and I'm so sorry I haven't been the great boyfriend for you… but I promise not to leave you for a second ever again…"

He's worried… I can sense his anxiety through his body… I run my fingers through his thick dark golden hair and say…

" I'm fine baby… I'm okay… you don't have to worry… I was just thinking about my mom's wedding…"

I hear my phone ringing in the house and I don't know why but I feel worried all of a sudden. I come out of James's arms and run to get my phone… it's on the counter… I pick up without seeing who's calling…

" hey Anna, it's me Alex… she wants to see you… she's..."

Now I know why I felt this way… I don't need to hear the rest of his sentence to know what's going on…

" I'll be there in ten minutes…"

I take my keys and turn to go out to get my car…

" Baby, what's wrong? What's going on? Who called you?"

I look around and feel lost… I don't know what to do… he takes me by my arms and steadies me…

" Hey, Anna… look at me… look at me… take a deep breath and tell me what's going on?"

I do as he says and say…

" Alex called… he said she wants to see me… I know she's not feeling well… I feel she's going… I have to go see her… I have to…"

He knows what I mean without me explaining… he takes my keys and says…

" I'll go with you… you can't drive like this…"

I'm too shaky to refuse his help… we go straight to the garage and sit in my car… all the way to the hospital is like a haze… we arrive there in a few minutes… I get out of the car and go right to the oncology ward… Alex is standing out of the room waiting for me… my baby brother… his eyes are red and puffy… his father isn't with him so I guess he must be inside…

I open my arms for Alex and he runs towards me… I hug him hard and say…

" It's okay… it's alright…"

His body is shaking… I feel my own tears running down my face… Mr. Jones comes out of the room and looks around… he spots me and says…

" Anna… she's waiting for you…"

Alex comes out of my arms… I look back and see James is watching me… my knees go week for a second… but watching his eyes gives me the strength to go inside… Mr. Jones pats on my back and says…

" She's been waiting for you so long…"

I swallow hard and go inside… seeing her like that takes my breath away… I can't feel my legs but I will them to move forward…

I stand by her bed… her eyes are closed… I run my trembling fingers through her pretty curls… her eyes flickers open and she looks at me… she gives me a weak smile and says…

"Hey beautiful girl… I was waiting for you…"

Tears sting in my eyes…

" I wanted to come visit you sooner but I had an accident… how are you?"

I say and a tear falls down my cheek…

" I'm good… baby… I'm sorry I left… you when you were born… I was scared… and alone… I'm so sorry… do you forgive me?"

It seems like her time is coming… she has trouble breathing and pants while talking… I run my fingers through her forehead and say…

" Yeah mother… I forgive you…"

Tears fall off her beautiful face to the pillow… it's the first time I acknowledge her as my mother… she smiles and suddenly I can see she's glowing…

" take care of … yourself and your … brother… he's a little sensitive… don't let him… miss me so … much…"

She takes a breath and says…

" I love you…. Annabella, I've always… loved you… I'm happy… I got to… know you… at last…"

I can't say anything… I just continue sobbing… she smiles and says…

" I'm happy that… you've got… a family… your mom is … perfect…"

She swallows and says…

" be happy… in your life… nothing matters … that much to make… you sad… everything will be… okay in the… end…"

She smiles and says…

" It's time…"

And I see… with my very eyes… I see the light in her eyes go away… with tears streaming down my face I close her beautiful blue eyes and kiss her forehead…

I come out of the room and look at Alex... one look at me and he knows what happened… my knees go weak and before I collapse two strong hands take me into a big warm hug… I hear Alex crying loudly and calling his mom… I see Mr. Jones sliding down the wall… falling down on to his knees on the floor and I see his shoulders shuddering… James kisses my temple… over and over… he sits me on one of the chairs and goes to get Alex… I'm staring at the floor and my tears are washing my face… I feel like I lost something… I didn't know her my entire life… but when I got to know her, I fell for her… now she's gone…


	30. Chapter 30

My parents are at my house helping me get ready for the funeral… Lucy chose a long sleeve black lace and satin dress for me to wear… James helped me take a shower in the morning and then he blow-dried my hair sitting me between his legs and running his fingers through my hair…

I have been in a haze since last night… I still can't believe that I met my birth mother only a few weeks ago and now I have to attend to her funeral...

I wear my black panty hose and put on my dress… putting on my black flats, I take my purse and go out of my room… mom and dad are waiting for me…

" Here, honey… eat this cookie before we go…"

I look into my mom's beautiful hazel eyes and take the cookie from her… my dad said he fell in love with her eyes and I always knew I would slaughter a city for those eyes… she's the strongest, kindest and prettiest woman I've ever seen…

" Thanks mom… you know you don't have to come… James is going with me…"

James puts his arm around my waist and says…

" Anna's right, Amy… I'm going to be with her…"

Dad puts his hand on my left shoulder and says…

" No sweetie… we're going with you…"

Lucy, Jack and Jim are sitting on the couch… I look at them and say…

" please make yourself at home… Jim knows where everything is so ask him if you need anything…"

Lucy blows me a kiss and says…

" Don't worry about us, dear… we're fine…"

We take my car to the church… we are the last four people to arrive at the ceremony… I hear people whispering… there aren't many actually… I go sit next to Alex on the front row… James and my parents sit one row behind me… Alex takes my left hand and leans on me a little… I press his hand and kiss his forehead… he's so shaken and seeing him like this breaks my heart… the priest does his preach and asks people to come and say something… Alex is so beaten up that he can't do the talk… Mr. Jones asks me to say something which of course takes me aback because I really have no idea what to say… but everybody is looking at me so I have to go… I stand up and walk to her coffin… my heart is pounding crazy… my breathing is out of control… I can't look at her face…

"Ever since I was born, I knew only one mom… my mom was Amy Pritchett… when I was ten, my parents told me about my real mother…that she was in France…That she left me alone when she gave birth to me...Today, Standing here I remember I spent my whole life hating her for abandoning me…"

I feel a huge lump in my throat… I swallow hard to get my act together...

" Knowing her after nearly thirty years, I got to know that she wasn't the evil monster I used to picture her… she was just a scared girl in a foreign country… she didn't know what to do… I'm happy that I got to know her at last… that I got to change the picture of her in my mind… I will love her for the rest of my life and I wish she rests in peace…"

I go sit on my seat next to Alex… he takes my hand and places his head on my shoulder… I turn my head to see my mom… she wipes her tears and smiles at me… she blinks once, reassuring me… I don't even want to imagine the amount of pain I will feel if anything happens to her…

"How are you feeling?"

Handing me a glass of pinot grigio, Jim stands by me on the porch… It's twilight, the sky has turned red from sunset… we have returned home after the funeral… I came here on the porch and stood here for nearly two hours I think… James asked my parents and Jack and Lucy to stay for dinner, which he's making himself… no one came here… they respected my privacy…

" All these years, I never thought of her as my mother… She was just Bella… the woman who abandoned me the moment I was born… I never went to her and ask her why? Why did she do this to me? Not that I wasn't happy with my parents… No! But this feeling… it bothered me… now after all these years I know she was just a scared kid… and she did the best thing leaving me with my dad and my mom… but I don't know why I feel like this… I feel this void… I feel like there is a hole in me…"

Jim wipes my tears with his right index finger… I haven't noticed I was crying until then…

" It's normal… this is the feeling of loss… losing someone you love…"

There's a ring to his voice… like he knows what he's talking about… like he has felt this feeling… I look at him without saying anything…

" I lost my old man when I was twenty… that guy was my one and only real friend... he was my hero, I worshipped him… when he passed away I felt like the whole world collapsed on my heart… I felt …"

His voice breaks… I put my left hand on his shoulder and say…

" It's okay… you don't have to say anymore…"

He looks at me and says…

" I wanted to say that it's okay to feel like this… that this is how loss feels…"

" Anna baby… dinner's ready…"

James says from the window… I turn around and smile at his beautiful eyes…

" Let's go inside…"

" Stay for the night..."

Hugging my mom tight, I say this… she kisses my right temple and says…

" It's okay baby… I will stay for another week… you and James need your privacy…"

I pout and look at her beautiful eyes… she touches my face and smiles…

" You haven't changed at all… ever since you were a kid you would make this face when I was going on a trip and you couldn't come with me because of your school…"

I kiss her forehead and say…

" Don't you ever leave me, okay?"

She knows what I'm talking about and she knows this is not about her leaving my house for hotel… she caresses my cheek with her long fingers and says…

" Never…"

Just this one word calms me down… I hug my dad tight…

" thanks daddy… for today… for all these years… for everything…"

He crashes me against his chest… he pats on my back and says…

" You're dad's life… I will do anything for you sweetie…"

I put a kiss on his shoulder and say…

" I know…"

They both take off with their partners... Jim is the last person to leave… he hugs me and says…

" Call me if you need to talk…"

I pat his back and say…

" Thanks, will do…"

He kisses my forehead and leaves… I look at James and see that he is throwing fire arrows at Jim with his eyes… I throw my arms around his waist and say…

" James?"

He looks at my eyes and says…

" Yes dear?"

" Will you promise me something?"

He watches me incredulously and says…

" Anything baby…"

Taking in a deep breath I say…

"Don't ever leave me, not even when I ask you to, okay?"

" I won't ever leave you but why do you want me to promise something like that?"

I look into his blue gray eyes and say…

" No one knows what the future holds for us…"


	31. Chapter 31

It's been three days since Bella passed away. I haven't been able to eat or sleep properly. There is a nagging going on and on in my head and a heaviness that's tugging at my heart so hard that it's sometimes impossible for me to breathe.

Like every day I wake up at 5 AM sharp. I don't know why but every day I wake up at this hour. I don't want to disturb James so I change into my running gear, put on my head set and go for a run.

Ellie Goulding is singing in my ear " Love me like you do". I run fast, pushing myself, feeling my feet hit the pavement as I go by. I run five or six miles every day. That's the only thing that calms me down a little bit. I'm near the pizza place we always get our pizzas, when the song ends and another one starts playing. I don't recognize at first, but it starts singing... _seems like it was yesterday, that I saw your face... you told me how proud you were but I walked away... If only I knew what I know today... I would hold you in my arms i would take the pain away... thank you for all you've done... forget all your mistakes..._

It's Christina Aguilera, it's named "Hurt". I lower my pace because I can't breathe. Christina shouts in my ears... _I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do.._. there's a lump in my throat that's choking me. I stop at the park and sit on one of the benches and clutch my chest. I put my head in my hands and start crying. The lump and heaviness are killing me so I cry them out. She sings in my ears. Taking out my earbuds, I pull up my knees and put my head on them and cry my heart out. I haven't cried since she died. I didn't see a reason to do so. Because I spent all my life hating her. But now I feel bad because I blamed her all this time.

After what seems to be fifteen minutes or so, I'm all cried out and feel better. The heaviness is gone. I can breathe better. After washing my face with a bottle of water, I run back home. It's six thirty when I get back. After a hot soothing shower, I put on my night wear and go back to bed. James is fast sleep. I open his arms and snuggle into his chest. He stirs and wraps his arms around me. I put a kiss on his bare chest and whisper...

" I love you."

He kisses my hair and tightens his arms around me.

Someone is kissing my neck. My eyes flutter and I open the left one and see James is nuzzling my neck. The room is dark. Shit! Did I sleep to the night?

" Hey sleepy head! It's noon, wake up!"

I stretch my body and groan loudly. I hear him chuckle, he says...

" You look better!"

Bringing up my right hand, I run my fingers through his stubbles and say

" I feel better! I cried today. I went for a run and was listening to the music. Then a very apt one came up and broke me. I cried for fifteen minutes and now I'm good."

He eyes me warily, gives me a pack on my lips and says

" So you're good now?"

I not and say

" I'm good!"

Suddenly his eyes change and I know he's not going to let me go back to sleep now! I laugh and he shuts me up in a second.

James is sitting on the couch, watching one of the TV series. I don't watch TV that much so I don't know what it is. I am making lunch, we had a brief breakfast and I started making lunch soon after we finished. I decided on chicken piccata with some cooked vegetables on the side. It's nearly two in the afternoon when I'm done. I call out to James...

" Baby, the lunch is ready! Do you want me to bring it there?"

He turns and smiles...

" Isn't it hard for you?"

I blow him a kiss and take our plates to where he's sitting. I put the plates on the ottoman and go fetch our drinks, Chablis. He likes wine so I searched some good ones and bought some. Chablis is one of them. I open the bottle and walk to the couch. He beams at me and says...

" You're a sweetheart!"

I roll my eyes and sit next to him and take my plate onto my lap.

" What is this you're watching?"

He pours the wine in the glasses and says...

" It's Outlander. There's a girl who travelled through time and went 200 years back and lots of things happened. It's fun!"

I look at the guy who's talking with a Scottish accent. Holy Mother!

" who's that nice piece of ass! He's so handsome and tall!"

" That's her husband, Jamie Fraser!"

" He's so good!"

James puts his hand under my jaw and says...

" You're drooling and I'm sitting right next to you."

I turn to him and give him a silly grin.

" What? Don't tell me you're jealous!"

He grimaces and starts eating. I move closer to him and kiss his cheek.

" You have no reason to be jealous babe, I have eyes only for you. I've been this way for ten years."

He puts a kiss on my lips and says

" This is very delicious. Thanks!"

I smile and say

" You're most welcome."

And like that we eat our lunch in peace and quiet.


	32. Chapter 32

" Can I come in?"

I've been back to work since Monday… I couldn't go without working anymore… I have limited my hours at the hospital and I spend more time in my office… the hospital gave me a great amount of money for compensation of the accident… Mr. Brown, James's lawyer dealt with the hospital's legal team… they offered one million dollars in order not to sue them and Mr. Brown said it's the best way to settle… so we settled… they also gave me a raise and that intern has been fired…

" Yes come in Maggie…"

I close my eyes and put my glasses down and press my temples… I get disturbing headaches…

" Here Anna… take your pill…"

I open my eyes and pick up the pill from the plate and take it down by a large glass of water… Maggie watches me worried…

" Honey, you need to rest… go home… I'll postpone the next two patients' appointments…"

" You're right… I'll call James to pick me up early…"

Maggie gives me a bright smile and kisses my forehead… I take my phone from my desk and look at my background picture… it's one of the selfies James and I took at my birthday… I'm laughing loudly and my eyes are closed and James is kissing my right cheek… he hasn't let me drive alone since I decided to come back to work… he has a right to be worried though… I sometimes get killer headaches that stops me from doing anything... I want to call him but he calls me first…

" Hey…"

" Hey baby… what's up?"

" I was going to call you?"

" why? What happened? Are you hurt?"

I can hear his fear in his voice… he's scared for me…

" It's okay James… I'm fine… I just wanted to go home early tonight… can you come collect me earlier?"

I hear the air moving so I know he's on his way…

" I'm on my way honey… Don't worry…"

I also hear somebody calling out his name and says they haven't finished filming… he didn't want to accept any offers for a while… but I asked him not to… after badgering him for a week he accepted an offer for a movie but under some conditions… one of them was that he would cut off his work if I needed him… they accepted that and mentioned it in their contract…

It's only ten minutes past when James arrives… he comes in my office and checks me out... my hands, my face, my body…

" I'm fine James… you've got to stop worrying…"

He hugs me hard and doesn't say anything…

All the drive home James has been quiet… it worries me a little… he's never scared me but I'm scared now… he parks his car in the garage and comes to open my door… I look at his face in silence… he finally looks at me and says…

" I'm scared… since the moment I answered my phone and I heard you were hurt and beaten to death, I'm scared… since the moment I arrived at the hospital and saw you in bandages and casts, I'm scared… since the moment the doctors told me you were lucky to be alive but you've lost our baby, I'm scared… since the moment I came to see you but you ignored me, I'm scared… every time my phone rings my heart stops… I'm scared Anna… I'm scared I'm going to lose you… I'm scared and I don't know what to do… I haven't been this scared my whole life…"

I put my hands on each side of his face and say…

" Shhhh… it's okay… this you're experiencing is PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder… it's normal… you fear for your loved ones… it's fine… it will pass… but you can also get help if you need… go see Jason, he's a good one in PTSDs…"

He shakes his head and says…

" I don't need counselling… I need you…"

He captures my head with his hands and my lips with his… well I need him too so what a fool am I to stop him?!... we start undressing each other on our way to the bedroom…

I open my eyes in the dark and roll on my right side… James is asleep on his back and his lips are parted… taking a look at the clock, I see it's 7:35 in the evening… we spent quite a long time cuddling and talking… I put a long kiss on his bare shoulder and come out of bed… I take a look at myself in the mirror before going to bathroom… I'm a mess… my hair is all tangled and my mascara has been spread all over my face… but I'm better now… there's no sign of headache or whatsoever…

After taking a quick shower, I put on my bathrobe and go to the kitchen to make dinner… I check the cabinets and the fridge… well we have enough ingredients to make Bolognese… so I start by chopping onions and carrots… Ever since I was a teenager I liked cooking… but when I grew up and went to med school, I neither had time nor the energy to cook meals… my dad cooked most of the times and some times we had takeaways… when I came here and lived alone I had more time so I started learning to cook new foods… Jason's mom taught me a great deal… she was born in South Korea but she was raised in Italy so she taught me both Italian recipes and Korean ones…

After what seems to be forty minutes my work's done and the dinner is ready… so I go to the room to wake James… he's lying on his back with his arms and legs spreading on the bed and his lips are parted and I can hear a slight snoring when he breathes… it makes me smile… taking my phone from my purse, I take a couple of pictures of him in his sleep… I sit on the bed next to him and dip my head to kiss his parted lips… he kisses my back instantly and opens his eyes and wraps his arms around me and takes me in his arms… I lie on top of him and put my hands on his chest… he looks at my eyes sleepily and says…

"Mmm… you smell good…"

I put my chin on his chest and look at his well sculptured chin…

" Dinner's ready my love… let's go eat…"

I put a kiss on his bare chest and stand up taking his and making him stand up…

We eat our dinner in silence… I feel that he wants to say something but he doesn't… I think he's thinking of a way to tell me… so I give him time…

After washing the dishes together, I prepare some of the herbal tea my mom gave me and go sit next to James on the couch… he's reading the newspaper… I lie down on the couch and put my head on his lap… he runs his fingers through my hair…

" I love your hair…"

I smile at him… he looks in my eyes and opens his mouth once… then closes it…

" what is it love? What's eating you? You've been trying to tell me something… but you haven't…"

He scratches his head…

" Was it that obvious?"

I smile at him and say…

" Baby, I know you more than you think I do…"

He gives me a nervous smile and says…

" Well here goes nothing… my sister is in town…"

I gasp…


	33. Chapter 33

I am constantly fidgeting my right leg. I am wearing a gray knit turtle neck sweater which is perfectly well fitted and has a black belt on its waist line with the black thigh-high boots and my slouchy beanie on my head… we are at Sea-Tac waiting for Jessica to arrive… James says she's here because of a fashion show that's being held in Fremont Hotel... she's a stylist I think… but I think otherwise… she's here to kick my ass and I'm so nervous… I'm holding a bunch of red roses and constantly stomping my right foot…

" Hey, why are you so nervous? She's really kind… you'll love her…"

James tries to reassure me… I shake my head unable to get a grip… I've only seen her picture and I think once Amelia told me that she's so kind and caring… but I have no idea how kind and caring could she be to me...

She lives in Belfast… there are no straight flights for Seattle from Belfast so she had to have a 2 hour stop in London and then flew from London to Seattle… I glance nervously at the flight board and take a deep breath… her flight has just landed… James's phone rings…

" Hey Jess… Yeah, Anna and I are here waiting for you… okay come out here… we're waiting for you…"

I'm having a hard time focusing on my breathing… James takes my hand and says…

" Baby… she's going to love you… don't worry…"

I look into his eyes and say…

" I'm nervous because I've never had a boyfriend to meet with his family… all those dates I had were so informal and my relationships never lasted more than two weeks so I didn't have to go through all that… I'm nervous because you're family love Amelia and they have every right to… she's so lovely… I don't know how to react…"

I take a deep breath and try to conceal myself… James puts a chaste kiss on my lips and says…

" You don't have to react in a specific way… be yourself…"

" Oh my God! Is that Jamie Dornan?

James mutters…

" Oh Crap!"

I try to take my hand away but he doesn't let me go… a few girls run to us and one of them is a tall blonde, she says…

" Oh Mr. Dornan… we're great fans of your movies… can we take a picture?"

Now he has to let go of my hand… he smiles and says…

" of course…"

I put on my big sunglasses and stand back while they take some pictures… the shorter one says…

" Is that your girlfriend?"

I feel their jealousy and not so friendly looks… James looks at me and smiles. Hopefully he doesn't say anything. I look into his eyes and give him the sweetest smile I can manage… they thank us and go away giving me sour looks… I roll my eyes and say…

" well, I guess I have to get used to girls hating me from now on…"

I look at the people coming out of the transit salon and see Jessica…

" There she is…"

Putting my most prestigious smile on my face, we walk up to her… she throws her arms around James's neck and says…

" Hi lil brother… God, I missed you so much…"

She has the same accent as James… I like her immediately… James kisses her hair and says…

" Miss you too, Jess…"

She finally lets go of him and looks at me… taking off my sunglasses, I give her a friendly smile and say…

" Hi Jessica, how was your flight?"

She gives me a speculative look and says…

" Hey Anna, it was long and tiring… thanks for coming here to see me…"

I hand her the flowers and say…

" Well, the pleasure is all mine… I believe it's your first time in Seattle… I hope you'll have a nice time staying here…"

She smiles at me and looks up into my eyes…

" Why thank you…"

I'm sitting on the backseat of my car which James is driving… I insisted Jessica sits in the front so they can talk easily… I open my iPad and continue writing the article I'm currently working on…

" What do you think Anna?"

James asks me all of a sudden… I look at him mortified and say…

" About what, love? I wasn't listening, sorry!"

He smiles kindly at me and I can feel Jessica's fix stare on my face…

" I said it would be nice to go out for dinner tonight… what do you think?"

I smile at both James and Jessica…

" I'm fine with that… but if you want to spend some brother sister time together, I understand… I'll find something to do…"

James frowns and opens his mouth to say something but Jessica smiles at me and says…

" Thanks Anna… I appreciate it…"

Well, there's nothing else for me to say… I'm out of their dinner plan… I give her a tight smile and go back to writing my article… but I can no longer concentrate on the subject… she obviously doesn't like me… well, with my parents gone back to Arizona and me insisting on sending Jim away with them, I am left with staying home and eat something off the fridge, or crashing at Mary and Jason's… well I have not spoken to Jason since the last time he came to my house and announced his long life crush he had on me… I know I have to talk to him at some point but not tonight. So staying home it is... we arrive at her hotel and she sets the time with James before leaving the car … I'm feeling sick… well not really sick but my stomach is queasy… James gets in the car and drives the car home… he's brooding and really silent… I put my elbow on the window rim and watch his lovely profile… he's chewing on his lower lip, something he does when he's anxious… I keep quiet and when we arrive I take my bag and go to the house without a word… there's a light in the sky and a few seconds later I hear a loud thunder… Denise runs to me and she's shaking like a leaf… I sit down and take her in my arms…

" Look at you… all scared and beautiful… let's go inside baby…"

I shuffle through my bag trying to find my keys… I am really concentrating on my every move… because I don't want to let my mind wander on to the other things… James drapes his left arm on my shoulder and opens the door…

" Thanks…"

I croak… The lump in my throat has grown a size bigger… I step inside and put Denise down… she runs to her favorite spot on the square rug next to the fire place… After changing my thigh high boots with my fluffy sleepers and putting my bag on the couch, I make my way to the bedroom… taking out my earrings and the rings out of my fingers, I pick up a wipe and wipe out the little makeup I have on… I concentrate on wiping every part… undoing my hair tie, I run my fingers through my hair and close my eyes… when I open them, James is standing behind me… he works down my zipper on the back of my dress and runs his fingertips down my spine… a slow shiver runs through my body… he dips his head and puts a kiss on the nape of my neck... he moves my hair and I close my eyes and turn my head to give him better access to my throat… he puts small kisses on my neck and snakes his arms around me… he kisses on my shoulder and tugs at my dress moving it down my body and it pools at me feet… I'm in my black lace underwear set… he groans and says…

" God, you look so good in black…"

I open my eyes and try to control my breathing… I turn around in his arms and look into his beautiful eyes… he looks at me and starts kissing my face… down my temple to my jaw to my lips… his hands find their way in my hair and starts kissing me… really kissing me… I moan in his mouth and throw my arms around his neck and tug at his hair… and we're soon lost in the sensation of our feelings… I make him move to the bed undressing him on the way… I push him to the mattress and sit astride him… he watches me, his pupils are dilated and he's panting… I lean over him and start kissing his beautiful face and say…

" I love you James Dornan… You are my James… I never call you Jamie because you are James… because I like the sound of that in my ear…"

I put a chaste kiss on his lips and say…

" I loved you since forever and I will love you till my last breath, never forget that…"

His brows furrow and he takes my hips and moves so he's hovering me…

" I love you too Anna… I don't know why are you telling me these things but I love you… and nothing can change the way I feel about you…"

He starts kissing me… hard… and he ends our discussion purposefully…

I'm laying my head on James's chest… we're trying to bring our breathing under control after our magnificent lovemaking…

" Well, that was really good…"

I put a long kiss on his chest and put my chin on his chest to watch his dear face…

" In fact I can't recall anything like this… what happened?"

He rolls on his side so we are looking eye to eye… he reaches up to touch my face… he puts a lock of my hair behind my ear and says…

" I don't know… it was so good for me too… maybe it was the tension… I don't know…"

I glance at the clock on the nightstand and say…

" It's five thirty… I think you should get ready…"

He takes me by surprise taking my hips and rolling so I'm on top of him…

" No baby… I'm not finished with you yet…"

I giggle loudly and kiss him with all my passion…

" Baby, you're sure you don't need anything?"

James has showered and he's wearing his black jeans and dark navy button down shirt with black shiny shoes… I'm sitting on the couch surfing in YouTube watching James's interviews … I look at him up and down and grin at him…

" You look yummy!"

His eyes widen for a sec and he starts laughing… he kisses my hair and says…

" Oh Anna… you're insatiable, aren't you?"

I pout and say…

" I wish to spend most of my time in bed… with you… naked…"

I grin at the last word… he can't stop laughing… after kissing me hard and leaving me breathless, he says…

" Take care babe… I'll be back in a few…"

I smile up at him and say...

" Take your time hon… she's come a long way… and you practically have a great deal to talk about… so don't rush it… I'll plan something to do… I've been alone all these years so don't worry about me being alone for just a few hours…"

He watches me carefully looking for something… I don't know what… he doesn't find anything disapproving so he kisses me once more on the lips and says…

" Take care then… I'll take my own car…"

I smile and wave at him…

It has stopped raining, so I took Denise out for a walk… I have my headphones on and we're walking down the street… the smell of the rain freshens my mind… in my ears Sinatra is singing… _I saw them all... just couldn't fall... till we met… it had to be you…_

I remember of all those guys I met all these years of my life… I never felt anything for any of them… I stop at a pizza shop and go inside… the boy at the counter gives me a welcome smile and asks me what I want… I'm glancing at the menu when my phone rings… I answer it without looking at the screen to see who it is…

" Hello?"

" Hey Anna, how are you doing?"

It's Amelia… how odd!

" Hey dear, how are you? Everything okay? The girls are fine?"

" Oh yeah Anna… they're perfectly fine… In fact I called you to say they miss you and ask you to stop by… that's if you can of course…"

I smile at Denise who's constantly rubbing her nose on my shins and say…

" Of course… have you eaten?"

She pauses…

" No I was thinking of making something…"

" Well don't… I'm around the corner and I'm getting pizza…"

" why thank you… you don't have to…"

" but I want to… I'm alone for dinner… I'm actually grateful that you called…"

" what? Where's Jamie?"

" I'll tell you when I arrive…"

" Okay then… see you…"

" You too…"

I ring the bell and the door opens in a second and I hear a loud squeal…

" Annie…"

Dulcie runs to me… I hand Amelia the pizzas and I sit down in time to take her in my arms… she smells like heaven… I kiss her thousands of times and take in her sweet scent… from the corner of my eye I see Phoebe standing two feet away from me… Denise runs and sits by the fireplace… she moves a little to find a comfortable position and sits down… I sit down and open my left arm for Phoebe… she smiles and comes to me… my heart goes out to her shyness… I kiss them both… Amelia smiles and says…

" Hey Anna… thanks for coming… they've been nagging all day…"

" You should have called earlier… sorry I didn't come earlier… in fact I wanted to come but every time something came up…"

I walk up to the welcoming couch on the hall… she has changed the decoration since the last time I've been here… not so much radically or anything… just a few small things... after putting a bowl of cereal in front of Denise, she brings the pizzas and two bottles of soda… I've got some mac and cheese for the kids too… she puts a plate for each of them… I sit them both on my each lap and start feeding them…

" Hey Anna… let them eat by themselves… you eat your pizza…"

She hands me the bottle and clinks it with hers… taking the bottle and a slice of pizza, I say…

" Thanks… So guess what?"

" What?"

" James's sister is in town…"

Her eyes widen with alert…

" Which one?"

" Jessica! James is having dinner with her right now…"

She twists her mouth and says…

" She never liked me…"

" well, she doesn't like me either… she practically threw me out of the dinner plan tonight…"

" Ouch! Sorry for that!"

I laugh and sip my soda… taking another piece of the pizza I say…

" What are you sorry for? She's the one who's been rude to me…"

She looks at me sympathetically and says…

" Jessica loves Jamie so much… she gets overly protective… I bet you she's chewing his head with questions about you… but don't worry she will come around… eventually…"

I look at Phoebe who's playing with an A shaped macaroni and put a loud kiss at her chubby cheeks…

" So tell me… how's it going? Are you okay? Everything's fine?"

" Well, yes thanks… I've been doing better… but things have been quite a rush recently… I don't know if you've heard but my birth mother died recently and I've been getting these disturbing headaches… but I'm better now… there's just this constant throbbing pain in my head… but it doesn't hurt that much…"

Her pretty forehead creases and she puts her left hand on my knee…

" I'm sorry for your loss… and I'm sorry for your pain… I've been praying for you every night… Anna again I'm so sorry… I know there was once that I wished you never existed but seeing you like that made me realize how wrong I was… I'm sorry… you're not responsible for Jamie and I falling apart… but I was blinded by the fact that he always had you in his heart… even when you were gone… as I said to you before, he did his best… he was completely devoted to our family… It was I who decided to end this marriage…"

Tears prick in my eyes… one of them falls down my right eye and I say…

" I am the one who should be sorry… I will always be.. but it doesn't change the fact that I love him… I loved him since I was fifteen… I love you too… I've told you… you were the reason I left… because I didn't want to ruin your life… never in a million years I would have thought me leaving this town would only cause more damage to your marriage... you were always so good together and so in love that I would have never thought it would come to an end… I'm sorry Amelia… I'm so sorry…"

I feel two little chubby hands wiping out my tears…

" No cry Annie… smile… I love you… daddy love you… mummy love you… sis love you… no cry please…"

Taking Dulcie, this little angel on the earth, in my arms, I say…

" I love you, too, baby girl… I love you and your sis and mom and dad… I love you all… and I love you the most… you are the sheer reason for God to create life… you are why all this universe has been created in the first place…"

I crash her to my chest and close my eyes putting my face in his hair…


	34. Chapter 34

I'm playing word search game with Amelia… we've played six rounds of this game and it's been a tie… three wins me and three wins her… well I've always been so good at this game but she's hell of a rival…

" You read a lot of books, don't you?"

I ask her finding the word "magnanimous" meaning unselfish… she grins at me and says…

" Well, yes… I like reading English novels… they give me somehow insight…"

She finds "unencumbered" meaning free and without burden… I sigh… it's the opposite of what I am feeling right now… my phone rings and I answer it immediately before it wakes the kids… I've put them to sleep an hour ago after they were so wasted playing with Denise… I stand up to go to the porch and talk…

" Hello?"

" Hey Anna, where are you? I thought you'd stay home…"

Shit it's James! I glance at my watch and see it's past eleven… wow! Time flies…

" Hey hon, I'm at Amelia's… I was out walking and she called to say that the kids missed me… so I got some pizzas and came here… I'll come back right now…"

" Wow! Okay… I'll come get you… stay there…"

" you don't have to…"

" Yes I do… so be a good girl and stay there until I arrive…"

I pout and say…

" Okay…"

I go back and see Amelia has left the room. She comes back with my coat and says…

" It was Jamie, wasn't it? He came home and you weren't there so he got worried…"

I look at her beautiful face and say…

" Yes, it was him…"

She looks at me with a sad smile and says…

" No, don't give me that look… I'm okay… maybe not completely… but I will be… so don't give me the sad eyes…"

I take a step toward her and stand in front of her… compared to her I seem like a giant… I take her into a big bear hug and kiss at the top of her head… she takes a deep breath and says…

" It feels weird, but hugging you feels like hugging Jamie… well, except for the big boobs and all…"

I laugh at her comment and look down at her…

" I really like you…"

I say with a kind smile… she looks up into my eyes and says...

" Well, I don't dislike you… you are my ex's girlfriend so it's weird if I say I like you… but I think you're growing on me…"

I grin at her and say…

" so it seems there's hope then…"

The door bell rings… Amelia goes to open it… I turn and see his beautiful face… his tousled hair is wet from the rain… he comes in and they greet each other like old friends and he kisses her cheeks… Denise is asleep by the fire place… James walks to me and says…

" Hey babe, you okay?"

I smile at his worried eyes and say…

" I'm perfectly fine… no need to worry…"

He doesn't kiss me or anything… which I'm grateful for… it would be so weird…

" I'll go see the kids and then we'll go…"

I smile up at him and say…

" Take your time…"

He smiles at me and then goes to the girls' room… I walk to Amelia and say…

" Thank you so much for tonight… I would have curled up in my couch and probably cried all night if you haven't called me to come here…"

She takes my hand and says…

" You're most welcome… it seems weird but I kind of like you… and it's good to have someone to talk to, you know!"

I hug her and say…

" Yeah I know!"

" Well, isn't that lovely?"

We both turn to see James completely shocked… Amelia giggles and says…

" Well, we're friends now…"

" That we are!"

I say solemnly… and we both laugh…

Denise is sleep in my arms and we're heading back home… we arrive home and I put Denise in her cottage… James opens the door and waits for me to go inside… I go straight to the kitchen… filling the kettle with enough water for two cups of tea, I put the kettle on the stove and go to my room to change into my pajamas… well I'm grateful for the heating system of this house… I've always been grateful all these years I've lived here… the floor is warm under my feet and I can go barefoot without concern… when I go back to the kitchen I find James pouring the boiling water into our cups and he has put two of my favorite apple flavored teabags in the cups… I take one of them and kiss him chastely on the lips and make my way to the couch… I feel so tired and as soon as I finish my tea I'm going to bed… James sits next to me and pulls me into his arms…

" So how's my beautiful girl?"

I put my head at the crook of his neck and say…

" Beat… tired… sleepy… grumpy…"

He chuckles and kisses my forehead…

" Can I ask you something?"

I say putting a kiss on his shoulder… he runs his fingers through my hair and says…

" Yeah babe, what do you want to know?"

" Your sister doesn't like me…"

" That's not a question!"

" Are we in the linguistics department now?"

He twists his mouth and says…

" She doesn't like anyone… but she will fall in love with you once she gets to know you…"

He takes my hand and says…

" Don't worry about her… all I want right now is to go to bed with you… and of course not for sleep…"

I laugh out loud and shake my head… we're certainly the horniest couple of the year… he stands up and yanking at my hand, he takes me to our room… God how much I love this man…

" I love Chopin… his music makes me relax and hot at the same time… you know even listening to this part is turning me on… big time!"

" Do you want me to turn it off?"

She nods shyly… Taking the remote from my desk, I turn the music off… it's a busy day… I had eight appointments since eight in the morning and now this woman is my ninth patient… it's her first time here… so she's so uncomfortable…

" Ms. Goodwin, you have melolagnia… which means you get aroused by music… this is a kind of paraphilia… you don't need to do anything for it… if it's working for you then you can go with it… but if it's causing you trouble we can figure out a way to go through with it…"

Tears well up in her beautiful blue eyes and says…

" It causes me trouble… I can't listen to music anywhere… I can't go to the movies or to a high class restaurant… I really wanted to learn how to play piano but I could never get through a whole lesson… I want to be cured doctor Pritchett… please help me…"

I give her a reassuring smile and say…

" Okay … so we'll start…"

I'm resting my head on the table for a few minutes before my next appointment arrives… the throbbing pain won't go away… it has been bothering me since this morning and I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen today… I have to go to the hospital tomorrow… I have to check up on my patients…

There's a sudden sharp knock on the door and it is open in a second… I sit up right and put on my Doctorish smile and look at the person who's coming in and to my very surprise, it's Jessica!

I stand up and walk around the desk stunned…

" Hello Jessica, how are you?"

She gives a head to toe look and says…

" I'm perfectly fine, Dr. Pritchett… thanks for asking… it seems you're so busy… Jamie didn't lie then!..."

I point at the couch and say…

" Sit down, please… Tea or Coffee?"

She sits down on the couch and crosses her legs…

" Sit down Anna… I'm not here for a tea party… I'm here to talk to you…"

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm in the principal's office… and I know I did something wrong… but I put on my arrogant mask and sit in front of her on the deep brown leather armchair I like… I smile at her and say…

" How was your trip up until now? Did you get to visit anywhere? How is your fashion show going?"

She gives me an assessing look and says…

" Thanks… it's been okay… I wanted to talk to you but Jamie kept telling me that you're busy… so I made an appointment…. And now I'm here to talk to you about my brother…"

I feel the pain vividly… it's penetrating through my skull to my eyes…

" I don't know you… and I don't know what your intentions are toward him… but I know if it weren't for you, he would be with his family now… with his kids and his wife… I know you left this town because you thought he was drawn to you and all this crap… but I don't buy it… you left to play hard to get… to get him hungry… I don't want him hurt… so get the hell out of my brother's life…"

It's moving… now it's ringing in my ears and teeth… It's so hard that I feel like my jaw is about to explode...

" You're nothing but a Gold digger… so get out of his life… or I'll make you pay!"

That's my cue… I stand up and look down on her… being tall was always my favorite thing about myself, but today, I feel short… like two feet short...

" Get out of my office… now! Whatever I do, it's none of your god damned business… so get the hell out… and when you were ready to talk to me not at me come back here then we will talk… I behave with people the way they behave themselves… so excuse me if I'm rude to you… but get your ass off my couch and get lost…"

I say coolly and without hesitation… my voice doesn't tremble and I don't even blink… she stands up and looks at me…

" This is not over…"

" It is for me…"

She walks out the door and I break down… I walk to my desk and take the bottle of Advil from my purse… I take two of them with a gulp of my cold tea… my eyes… they're killing me…

" Anna dear… what happened? What's wrong? You look so pale… do you want me to call James?"

Maggie says as she comes in to check on me. I give her an icy cold look and say…

" No… I am going home…"

All my drive home I think about my conversation with Jessica… that was worse than I could have ever imagined it… I park my car in the garage and go inside… I look around the house and think to myself " Is it worth it? Being scolded like this? Being humiliated and called a gold digger?"

I know there's a bottle of whisky in the fridge and I know I don't have a high level of alcohol tolerance… but I take the bottle out with a bowl filled with ice… putting a glass on the counter, I sit on a bar stool and pour myself a glass of this honey colored drink… I know this is crazy and the strongest drink I ever had was wine but I have to do this… for the first time in my life I want to get drunk… I need it… to get my mind off things for a little bit… I take a gulp and … Fuck! This is bitter… how do people drink this? Why does anyone ever drink this shit… I shake my head and say…

"Well, now or never Dr. Pritchett…"

I close my eyes and drink the rest of my drink… it burns all the way down to my stomach… the fact that I hadn't much to eat for lunch makes me queasy and so soon my head feels lighter… I pour myself another glass and put some ice in my glass… it clinks and makes me smile… I take a gulp and burp after taking it down… well, I'm getting a hold of it… I'm on my third glass that I hear the door open… my head is lighter than ever… but I'm fully conscious…

" Shit! Anna… what are you doing?"

he's here… finally…

" That's all bullshit… you know… they say you will loose consciousness when you drink alcohol… but they were wrong…"

My speech is a little affected… well, to be honest more than a little…

" You're drunk? You're drinking whisky? Why? What is it? What happened Anna?"

I put my half full glass on the counter and say…

" You know, I was always a good girl… I was valedictorian all years of my high school through med school… I was the best in my field while I was doing my residency… Damn! I'm a good doctor now… I was always praised and never once was scolded by anyone…"

I look at the ice moving up and down in the glass… taking in a deep breath I continue…

" Your sister came into my office today!"

I look at his face to gauge his reaction… his face pales and his skin stretches over his forehead…

" Jessica? What the hell did she tell you?"

" she said you told her I was busy so I couldn't see her… and she called me a gold digger and that if I didn't leave you she would make me pay…"

He gasps and walks towards me… he takes my right hand and kisses on top of it…

" I'm sorry babe… I was just trying to protect you…"

I take out my hand from his grip and say…

" I don't need your protection dammit!… I need your support… she has the guts to call _me_ a gold digger… who the hell does she think she is? I come from a very wealthy family and I am wealthy myself… My great grandpa left a Porsche and an apartment in Chicago for just me when he passed away… I earn two hundred grant every month from my investments only... and she calls me a gold digger… yeah I know you're rich but I'm richer and I was never after your money… I've got plenty myself… I've lived like a saint for nearly thirty years only to get called a whore by the sister of the man I'm in love with…"

" You're really mad at me… what can I do to make you better?"

I look at his eyes, his face… and I get the answer to the question I previously asked myself… he is worth the pain...

" I'm not mad at you… you're the love of my life… how could I be? That's one of my weaknesses… I can't be mad at my loved ones… I'm mad at myself for acting in a way that there are some people who see the right to scold me… I'm mad at myself for putting myself in this position… and it made me want to think all this through…"

He wants to take my hand but I know the moment I'm in his arms I'll forget about all these things… but I need to hang on to my anger for a little bit more… so I snatch my hand away and say…

" Don't touch me…"

He gasps…

" Anna!"

" Leave me be James… just let me deal with myself… all my life has been turned into ashes today… I need time to gather myself together…"

Uh-oh! Drinking with an empty stomach was really a bad idea… I cover my mouth with my right hand and run to the bathroom… putting up the toilet sit I hurl and throw up acid… wow this feels awful… I can't breathe… my body is shaking with dry heaves because there's nothing else to come up… I bump my fist into the wall to mute my screams… Damn it hurts… I sit on the bathroom floor and start crying… not a woman like cry that a tear trickles down my face, a shrieking from the top of my lungs cry… James tries to hold me but I push him away and kick him and hit him… but he holds me in his arms anyway… I hit him several times… bumping my fists on his chest and his arms… I know I'm hitting him hard but he doesn't flinch… he kisses my hair over and over and moves his hand up and down my back with a soothing rhythm… after what seems to be twenty minutes, I'm all cried out but I'm still sobbing… the most reason for my tears were for being sick… ever since I was a kid I hated being sick… and throwing up is one of the most disgusting things… my body is still shaking from my dry sobs and James is still kissing my hair, my face, my eyes… he runs his fingers through my tangled hair and moves his left hand up and down my right arm… I'm sitting between his legs and my head is on his chest… I nuzzle his chest and he chuckles… he's ticklish here… I look at his white shirt and see that it's stained with my mascara and tears… looking up at his face, I see his eyes are guarded… like he's afraid I'm going to bite him… I bite softly on his chin… I want to kiss him but after throwing up half a liter of whisky I contain myself… his eyes melt and he grasps my chin and wants to kiss me but I move my face so his lips meet my left cheek… he brushes my hair away from my face and says…

" You don't want me to kiss you?"

He sounds hurt… I look deep into his beautiful eyes… his face is uneven… his lower lip is a little downer at the left side and his right eyebrow is lower than his left one…

" I just threw up… my mouth tastes like poison… I don't want you to taste it… let me brush my teeth first…"

He stands up taking me with him… my head swivels and makes me queasy again… I swallow my saliva to prevent myself from throwing up… he helps me walk to the sink and takes my tooth brush and put some toothpaste on it… he hands it to me and says…

" Here, brush your teeth… I'm going to make us something to eat…"

And he goes out… I start washing my teeth and tears prick in my eyes… I don't pay attention to them and concentrate on brushing my teeth… my throat hurts… the acid burnt all its way up to my mouth… God I hate throwing up… I never get how would someone willingly put herself through something like this… I mean, I had bulimic patients and I treated them well… Is getting thinner worth this pain?... I look at my reflection in the mirror and ask myself in my head…

" Is this worth the pain you're in?"

James is at the door and he comes in watching me with cautious eyes… one look at his eyes and I get my answer… why do I love him this much?... I spit the tooth paste in the sink and wash my mouth… he comes and hugs me from behind… I close my eyes and his lips touch my neck… I feel tingles all over my body and my breath hitches… he tugs at my right ear lobe and say…

" feeling better?"

I open my eyes and look at him in the mirror… he brings his right hand up to open the knot between my eyebrows…

" Don't frown! You scare me when you frown!"

I smile at him and say…

" Okay!"

He moves me around so I'm facing him… moving his fingers through my hair, he says…

" I'm sorry… I should have told you about Jessica but I didn't want her to come to you and say those things… I'm sorry for what she said and I'm sorry for not telling you earlier…"

He looks like a guilty child waiting for his punishment to come… he bats his eyelashes at me in a cute way and says…

" Am I forgiven?"

I purse my lips and say…

" I'll think about it…"

He puts a soft kiss on my lips and says…

" Okay so do your thinking over dinner please… I checked the fridge and there was some of the pasta you cooked last night left, so I warmed it and it's ready to eat…"

We eat in silence… My mind is full of all sort of things… but I don't want to think about anything… I shake my head and realize I have cleared my plate and I'm staring at my fork… I really don't have the energy to wash the plates so I stand up and say…

" Will you please put these in the sink?… I'll wash them tomorrow… All I want now is to get a quick shower and go to bed…"

James takes my hand and puts a kiss on the back of it and says…

" Go take your shower and don't worry about these…"

I make my way to the bathroom and after a quick wash, I come out and put on my pajamas… I don't even have the strength to put on my face cream… I just fall down onto the bed and fall asleep…


	35. Chapter 35

I'm looking at the charts of the new patients in the hospital… today Dr Karen is accompanying me for rounds… She's a second year resident and so enthusiastic about psychiatry… and she can't shut up about the articles she read and wrote in this field… I just smile at her beautiful round face because I don't want to kill her buzz… we finish our rounds soon and I go to my office… My assistant comes in and says…

" Good morning Dr Pritchett, How are you? Do you need anything? Coffee?"

I smile at her and say…

"Good morning Dakota… I'm good thanks… and yes coffee is fine with milk and sugar please… thanks…"

She nods and goes out… My phone rings, it's my mom…

" Hey brides to be… how is my beautiful girl doing?"

I hear her laughter and smile… I love this woman so much…

" Hi my dear daughter… I'm fine… how are you? I miss you honey…"

I look at the photo of us that is on my desk… we took it last year that I was in Arizona… it's on the deck of my father's house… they are standing by my sides, dad to my left and mom to my right… I touch her face in the frame and say…

" I miss you too mom… I'm going to pay you a visit in the next week… I have to plan your wedding… I think it's better we have the ceremony at the local church and then we go for the reception… I'm going to arrange the ceremony with Uncle Pat… I gave him a call last night and it's all set… I have…"

" Honey… take a breath, I want to tell you something…"

She interrupts me… I take a deep breath and she says...

" Baby, I wanted to ask you to marry us … Can you do that for me?"

My mind goes blank for a few seconds and then I say…

" You want me to officiate your wedding?"

" Yes darling, will you please do that?"

Tears prick in my eyes and I say…

" Of course mom… I will do that… I can get a license online… Oh mom… I'm so happy for you…"

I sob into my hand…

"Oh dear… please don't cry… I'm happy… I will be always happy… I want you to be happy too…"

I wipe my tears with the back of my hand in the most ungirlish way and say…

" I am happy mom… I really am…"

" I'm happy that you're happy sweetie…"

We chat for half an hour or so… I reserve two tickets for Phoenix for Thursday next week… I need to talk to James about this… hopefully he'll come with me… and suddenly there's a knock on the door…

" Come in…"

Putting down my cell phone, I look at who's coming in… there's a tall handsome guy in a sharp navy suit with a white linen shirt and dark navy tie underneath… he doesn't look like a patient… well, I've had patients who looked like this before… but he doesn't seem like a patient to me… I put on my business smile and say…

" Hi, what can I help you with?"

He smiles back and walks to my desk and puts a card in front of me…

" Hello, my name is Adam Smith… I was Mrs. Jones lawyer…"

I ask him to sit and it takes me a few second to figure who the hell is this Mrs. Jones…

" Oh! You mean Bella Jones? My birth mother?"

He crosses his legs and says…

" Yes, the very same! I'm here to sort out your inheritance… I know you haven't known her until very recently… but she knew you and considered you as a family member in her will… Mrs. Jones was the owner of a very big fashion company in Paris, which has branches in five other countries in Europe, Asia and here, in the states… She split her properties evenly and put them in your and Alex's name… all the works have been done and now we just need you to sign these papers and get your share…"

There has been times in my life that I have been surprised… I mean jaw dropping to the floor surprise… the time Jason gathered all the students in the college to sing my favourite song for my birthday… the other time Eric surprised me by coming with Johnny Depp to the Café where we wanted to meet… there have been lots of these times… but now… I am surprised like I've never been… I am completely dumbstruck…

" But… how… I mean… my mother is Amanda Pritchett… it is said so in my ID… how could she put something into my name?... Is it that simple?... I mean I know about fashion as much as an elephant knows how to fly… what the hell am I supposed to do with these companies?... I never wanted her money…"

He watches me patiently and I can see a smile playing at his lips… I take a deep breath and try to contain myself… but this is too much to take in… he stands up and puts a gray manila envelope on my desk…

" These are the papers you need to sign… take your time… read them thoroughly… you can call me if you have any questions… I'll be here if you need me…"

I bring up my head and look into his powder blue eyes… he smiles and says…

" Don't sweat it… just think about it…"

He stretches out his hand to shake hands with me… I stand up and shake his hand firmly…

" Have a nice day, Dr Pritchett…"

" You too sir…"

I look at my cart and check to see if I've got every thing I needed… I have got popcorn, potato chips, Doritos, some ice cream and some chocolate bars … I've also got some tampons and other stuff I needed… My period started today after my fascinating meeting with Bella's lawyer… I took some Advil but the cramps are killing me… I put my right hand on my back and stand in the line in the supermarket… I remember James needed some beer too… I want to go get some but the pain has made me crippled… I'm feeling both nauseous and dizzy… it's because of the miscarriage I had… I lost a lot of blood and my always low blood pressure is lower than usual… I close my eyes and try to concentrate on not fainting…

" Ma'am! Are you okay? Do you need help?"

I open my eyes and see a cute Asian guy in the market's uniform in front of me… he eyes me worried and says…

" Come here… you can go first in line… you look so pale and sick…"

I don't know how I look but I know I'm always pale… maybe not wearing make up and losing blood in my every move has made me look like a vampire… I go to the front and wait for him to check my stuff… I give him my credit card and he gives it back after a few moments… I thank him and go out with the stuff I bought… when I go out, it's raining… what the hell was I thinking not bringing my car?... pulling my hoodie's hat on my head, I start to walk to the house… all I can think about is this inheritance bullshit… I don't need this money… I have to talk to my mom… she always knows what's the best thing to do… and my dad of course… I shake my head and try to focus on something else… well, James has been invited to be a guest at Jimmy Kimmel's show… I have watched him on his shows a couple of times… he invited him again… and I don't know why on earth I thought today is the best day to go shopping… I reach home after fifteen minutes or so… Denise runs to me and barks…

" Hey beautiful girl… how have you been?"

I open the door and go inside… Denise comes with me too… I put the shopping bags on the counter and take off my completely wet hoodie… I need a quick hot shower… I put some food for Denise at her favourite spot next to the fire place and make my way to the bathroom… five minutes later I'm clean and fresh… I open my underwear drawer and take one of the most comfortable ones and put them on… I yank on my black warm legging and put on my grey turtleneck jumper… my hair has grown longer and it reaches to my breasts… I glare at it and put it up with a hair clips and go to the kitchen to find something for dinner… I'm snooping the cupboards for a pack of ramen noodles or something… I'm a complete fool… I went all the way to the market and forgot to buy some... My phone starts ringing and stops the track of my thoughts… I answer it without checking the name or number…

" Hello?"

" Hey Anna, you home?"

I check the screen and see the name "Amelia" on it…

" Hey Amelia… yeah I'm home… you want to come by?"

I hear her chuckle…

" Actually we're at the door…"

I run to the door and open it…

" Hi Annie…"

The girls squeal in unison… I sit down and take them both in my arms… I kiss them on their chubby cheeks and they kiss me… Amelia is giving me an ear to ear smile… I step back and say…

" Come in…"

She comes in and puts on an apologetic face and says…

" Sorry… I should have called first…"

I shake my head and say…

" Don't be… Anyway I was going to crash at the couch and watch James on the TV show…"

She nods and brings up two boxes of pizza… she puts them on the counter and says…

" That's what I figured… so I brought pizza… I realized you like all toppings except for green pepper… so I asked the guy not to put that for you…"

I put the girls on the couch and Denise runs to them… soon they're playing together… I turn around and take Amelia in my arms… she gasps but she puts her arms around my waist… I put my cheek on her head and say…

" Thank you… I really needed this…"

She pats my back and says…

" Anytime… let me guess! You're having your period?"

I bring up my head but don't let go of her… I nod and say…

" Yes… and I don't know why I miss my mom so much…"

She smiles and says…

" yeah… I know that… you should give her a call… makes you feel a little bit better…"

I open my arms and head for the kitchen to bring some soda…

" Yeah, I will…"

We take the pizzas and go sit by the TV on the couch… well she sits on the couch like a nice lady but I want to be comfortable so I put a couple of cushions on the Persian rug Jason bought me as a house warming gift eight years ago, and lean on the cushions with my legs stretched out… Amelia hands me my pizza and I pour us two glasses of soda… and two glasses of milk for the kids…

" They already had their dinner…"

Amelia says… I kiss Phoebe on her small nose and say…

" They can have some milk then…"

The show is about to start… I turn up the volume and pick up a slice…

" And let's invite our dear guest, Jamie Dornan…"

The studio almost explodes from the screaming crowd… I grimace and pout… I hear Amelia chuckle…

" you'll get used to it…"

I roll my eyes and look at James… how can someone be so much handsome? That's a question I ask my self occasionally… he's wearing a sharp black jacket with a white linen shirt underneath… he is wearing one of his jeans… to sum it up he looks yummy… I haven't talked to him much since the Jessica "incident"… I am mad and I'm taking it out on him and he has done lots of things for me to be less mad… they talk about his latest movie and then Jimmy asks James about his love life…

" Well it's a little complicated but it's fine… my life has been out of balance for a few months but it's fortunately back to normal now…"

" Now, here is the question everybody wants to know… How is it that you haven't gone public about your relationship yet? We heard you've got a girlfriend but no one saw her actually… who is this mystery girl of yours?"

Jimmy asks James with a wicked smile… James scratches his chin and says…

" Well, dating an actor is a very difficult thing to do… you are not just dating a person… whenever you go out you have to be ready for all the paparazzi and other people to rush over to you… I had to go through a lot of trouble keeping my family away from all the scandals and things like that in the past… and as to my girlfriend, it's up to her… she doesn't want to attract attention and we know people can get a little harsh sometimes… so I'm respecting her decision and we will go public whenever we're ready…"

I look at Amelia and see a slight smile playing on her lips… she catches my eye and says…

" He truly loves you…"

I gasp… looking away at the kids, I take another price of pizza and start eating it. Damn I was really hungry.

" He loves you too, you know…"

She puts a hand on my left shoulder and says…

" But it wasn't enough… I'm happy… for both of you…"

I eye her suspiciously…

" Well, Jessica thinks I'm a gold digger who's forced James to divorce you and is planning on taking all his money…"

Her eyebrows shoot up and she says…

" Why would you? By the way you live, I can say you're loaded… your car, this house and all these things… why should you be after his money?"

I shrug…

" Go ask Jessica about it…"

I look at James's beautiful smile… I miss him… the show is over after twenty minutes or so… Dulcie's fast asleep on my lap and Phoebe has laid her head on sleeping Denise's belly and she's asleep too… they both got tired from all the running around the house playing with Denise… I smile watching them…

" They're so much alike their father…"

I look up at Amelia… she's put on her coat and is ready to go…

" What's the rush? Stay for the night!"

She gives me a small smile and says…

" I saw how you were looking at James when he was talking… I get it that you had a tough time because of Jessica… you need some alone time with him… take tomorrow off and spend your time with him."

I gape at her not believing what she just told me… she laughs and says…

" Hey, Stop acting so surprised! I am a decent person… I know it's weird to take relationship advice from your boyfriend's ex-wife but I told you that I like you Anna… and I want him to be happy… he is happy with you."

I cradle Dulcie in my arms and stand up… I kiss Amelia on her cheeks and say…

" Thanks, I appreciate it… I'll help you with the kids…"

She smiles and says…

" Thanks dear!"

I put Dulcie on the back seat… she groans but doesn't wake up… Amelia put Phoebe next to her in her car seat and buckles both of them… She turns to give me a quick hug… she steps back and says…

" Don't spend too much brooding, Anna! You'll regret it in the future."

I look deep in her eyes and say…

" I won't. Thank you Amelia."

She winks and drives away…


	36. Chapter 36

I am sitting behind my piano… there's a very sad melody on my mind these days… I want to take it out… I put my fingers on the keys and start… after I don't know how many minutes, it's done… I write it down fast on the note pad… I hear the garage door closing… it's been a few days since James's interview, and we weren't able to talk or see each other properly. I've been busy at work and he's busy with this new movie. We sleep in the same bed, and sometimes in the morning I find myself curled up in his arms.

But now after nearly a week since Jessica's harassment, I feel like I miss him like crazy. My heart skips a beat and then starts beating so fast. I practically fly to open the door for him… I do and see he was about to ring the bell… he stands there with his hand in mid-air watching me… I feel some kind of homesick… my eyes sting with tears and I throw myself in his arms… he catches me and clutches me to his chest… he moves and takes me inside with him… I bring my head up and start kissing him… I start with small, sweet kisses at first but we've not been intimate these days so we're both ravenous for this… he groans and bites down on my lower lip which makes me moan in his mouth… soon we are all lips and tongues and hands roaming each others' bodies and taking off each others' clothes on our way to the bedroom… I throw him on the bed… straddling him in my underwear I say…

" Oh, James Dornan! I love you so much… I want you so bad!"

He takes my hips and rolls so he's on top of me… he parts my knees with his legs, then he rips through my lace panties with his fingers… he lies down on me and tugs at my earlobe and whispers in my ear…

" So take me… right… now!"

And soon we're lost in the sensation of our love and passion…

I'm lying on the bed, my head is resting on James's chest… his right hand moves in my hair… I pucker my lips and put a kiss on his well formed chest and do a little mischief and bite his nipple… he flinches and laughs…

" I missed you…"

I bring myself up and look him in the eye… he watches me with smile and says…

" I missed you too… what's wrong babe? I know something's been eating at you these past few days… I wanted to ask you but you were acting distant and it was killing me… talk to me Anna… you know I love you so much… It hurts me to see you like this…"

I look at his eyes… thinking about telling him or not… I sit up and lean against the headboard, taking the duvet to cover my body… James sits up too and takes my hand… he puts a lingering kiss on my knuckles and says…

" Tell me! You know you can tell me anything!"

I stare down at my fingers and say…

" Three days ago I was checking the Instagram, was looking for some photos of you, which seemed to be a tons of them… it was then that I saw a picture, of you and Amelia…"

I steal a glance at him and see his frowning. He doesn't know where I'm going with this. I stare back at my hands and continue... my vision is blurry...

"The caption was the thing you said about how you met her in a party… that you had a crush on her long before you saw her and you fantasized about her, and even you knew that she'd be in that party…"

I close my eyes and tears wash down my face…

" It made me realize that I am the bad guy here…"

" Anna! You don't know what you're talking about!"

I watch him through my tears and say...

" it made me think that maybe I should send you back to her once again…"

He looks at me bewildered…

" Anna, please don't!"

I put my hands on either side of his face and say…

" You are the love of my life, James Dornan… you will always be… but she was yours and the reason you're not together is because of me…"

He is suddenly terrified…

" No no no! Anna! No! You are my life now… I love you with all my heart… I know this look in your eyes… you've got it before you left everything and fled the town…"

He moves so that he's facing me… he takes my hands and says…

" I love you Anna! I. Love. You! I don't know how many times I have to say that for you to believe me. But I will! Until you really believe me when I say that I'm in love with you. And I won't let you decide for me. You are what I want. And the problems in my marriage where there long before you came along. And when we got divorced I never even thought of reaching out to you because I thought I did enough damage already so I let you be. But when I saw you here, when you came back I…"

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and when he opens them his eyes are blazing with something, he touches my face and wipes my tears with his thumps and says…

" You gave me hope Anna! The moment I walked in that door and saw you talking to Denise. The moment you stood up and I saw your beautiful face after nearly a year… I hoped that you and I could be possible now. I never dreamt of cheating on Amelia with you. I respected her and you hell of a lot more than that. But when you came back I thought you're here because of me. It's silly but I was hopeful. And now that we are together I am the happiest man ever. Anna, I love you with all my heart. You are my love. Yeah I know that I love Amelia too and there's a part of me that will always love her. But you are my love now, and I will do anything to make you understand that."

He brings my hands up and kisses my knuckles. He comes closer and kisses my tears. I throw my hands around his neck and bring his lips to mine… he lets out a sigh we're lost in each other soon…


	37. Chapter 37

I wake up with a start, it's dark outside. It takes me a few seconds to get what's going on. I'm in my bedroom. I sit up and check the clock on the nightstand, it's 3:45! It's so early. I turn my head and find James sleeping on his stomach and his lips are slightly parted. He's here. I'm here. I'm safe. I lay back down and look at his peaceful face. He's so cute in his sleep. I want to wake him and ask for some comfort. I usually sleep better after we make love.

 _Let the poor man sleep Anna!_

I get out of the bed before I get tempted. Putting on his shirt, I make my way to my study. I fire up my laptop and check my emails. There's a card next to my computer. Oh, it's the lawyer's card. I decide to send him an email and tell him that I need to see him with my lawyer present and that I will sign the papers. It seems like I'm going to need to bother James's lawyer once more. I have nothing else to do so I do the routine, click on YouTube and search "Jamie Dornan". I plug in my ear buds and start watching his interviews. He's so funny and charming and dazzling and I love him so much. I laugh so hard that my tears start to run down my face.

It's almost 6 in the morning when I decide to go back to bed. I'm so tired and I've got two hours to sleep before getting up for work. Watching James helped like all the previous times it did. I don't want to leave his side for the rest of my life. I remember of my trip to Arizona this weekend. Tomorrow I'll ask him if he wants to come with me. I sit on the bed and lie down. He stirs and reaches his hand to take me in his arms. He kisses my hair and mumbles something like "I love you" in his sleep. I kiss his arm and say

" I love you too. So much that it frightens me."

I feel warm but I know it's not from James. I can't feel him. I open my eyes and see the warmth is from the sun. Something's not right about its place, It's near the mid sky. I gasp and sit so suddenly that it gives me a head rush. I close my eyes to stop the spinning. Shit! I check the clock and see it's 10:15! Shit! I overslept. Leaping out the bed, I dash into the bathroom. After six minutes I'm showered and washed my teeth. I come out and see James is coming to get me. He's all brilliant smile and tousled hair and sexy dimples on his cheeks, and I am... well, I am a mess. He gets that I'm dazzled by him and can't move.

" hey baby, I knew you couldn't sleep well last night so I asked Maggie to cancel your appointments for today. You need some rest. You're so agitated and jumpy these days and you were tossing and turning all night."

He walks to me, clasps my head with his hands and his lips are on mine. I close my eyes and cherish the feel of his soft sweet lips on mine. Laying his forehead on mine, he moves his right hand and touches my ear. I close my eyes relishing his touch. He puts a kiss on the tip of my nose and says...

" You know one of my friends have a nice chic spa in town, best thing for relax. They have facials and massage and manicure and pedicure... You name it. They have it all. I am going to take you there today. I'm no shrink but you need to relax a bit. And maybe you can talk to me about what's eating you and makes you feisty these days."

My eyes spring open. He noticed? Am I that clear? He gives me a warm smile and says

" baby I can read you like a book. You don't need to speak the words for me to know something's been bothering you these last few days. I didn't want to grill you, so I never asked. But that doesn't mean I didn't understand. Get dressed. I made you breakfast. We'll go after we eat."

He puts a chaste kiss on my lips and wanders off to the kitchen.

We're here. We've been massaged and I've been manicured and pedicured. James is receiving foot massage. I put my head back and watch him. It's funny watching him. He's so ticklish and withdraws his foot. I think the almond eyed girl wants to bite his head off. This feels good. He catches my eye and smiles at me affectionately. I mouth at him " I love you" he taps at his heart, telling me I'm in there and I feel the happiest girl in the world. It's one of the few places that we came together as a couple. We are in a private room, so hopefully we can avoid so much attention. Although the girls are ogling over James. He answers their questions kindly and dodges the ones he doesn't want to answer, artfully. Well it's his job, he has to know these things. At the end the girls take a picture with him. They ask me to join them but I refuse, I'm not ready for the wave of hate to come at my way. I want to go to their reception, in order to pay, but James clasps my shoulder and whispers in my ear

" It's taken care of. I know you better than that."

I shake my head and say

" You don't have to do this, you know!"

He smiles his lopsided smile and says

" I do have to and I want to! So stop bickering, because I'm taking you shopping."

And I have to laugh, because this feels so normal. We go out of the salon, hand in hand. I can't wipe the foolish grin that is on my face.

" You know I've never done this!"

I say, putting my right hand in my coat's pocket. James grazes my knuckles with his thumb and says

" you mean massage and stuff?"

I shake my head and say

"I've done that a lot. I meant going out with my boyfriend, feeling relaxed, walking hand in hand. I mean I had boyfriends before but that was just some text messages and scheduled dates. Not going out for shopping or to a park or I don't know. I haven't been intimate with anyone. The most intimate thing was a peck on the lips or a hug after not seeing each other for two weeks or so. I didn't feel it with any of them. I'm turning thirty next year and I haven't been to a mall with a boy. Well a boy that is my boyfriend. I used to go shopping with Jason back in college. And last year in Arizona I went out with Jim, but we weren't alone and he wasn't my lover. So they don't count. I love doing this with you. I know the paparazzi probably took a lot of pictures of us now but I can't care less. I want to be with you every where."

I look up at his dancing eyes. He smiles at me and drapes his right arm around my waist, keeping me closer to him as we walk to the boutique.

" I'm worried about Andy."

We're lying on the carpet by the fireplace, mostly because I couldn't help jumping him when we got home. My head is on his chest and his fingers are moving through my hair.

" How come?"

I trace my name with my finger nails on his chest and say

" I recently realized that his mother had schizophrenia and his brother is bipolar. I'm worried that he has some problems too. He doesn't answer my calls."

He puts a kiss on my head and says

" Don't worry! He'll come around. I never knew about his family. He doesn't talk about them much."

I suddenly remember my trip. I bring my head up and say

" Speaking of family, my mom's wedding is in a couple of weeks. I have to go to Arizona this weekend to make the arrangements. She asked me to officiate their wedding."

I fill with a warm feeling, I love that my mom is happy. And now that's the question I wanted to ask him.

" I reserved two tickets last week. I wanted to ask you to go with me."

I don't know why I feel so nervous. He puts a lock of my hair behind my ear and says

" Of course I'll go with you. Were you nervous to ask me?"

I nod shyly. He laughs, crashing me against his chest and says

" God! I adore you Anna!"

And the grin on my face can't get bigger than this. I am the happiest with this man.


	38. Chapter 38

It's been a beautiful two days trip and now we're back home. We planned everything. The wedding's in two weeks and I arranged every single detail. I've seen the caterer, the florist and the band. I've been Mary's bridesmaid and Jason's best man at the same time. I've arranged everything for their wedding and everybody loved it. I hope this one turns out to be as good as that.

James pays the taxi driver and gets out of the cab. I follow him and walk to open the door while he gets our luggage. I turn the key in the lock, hear the familiar click and open the door. Going inside I open my arms and say

" Hello Marsha! We're back!"

I hear James chuckle and turn to give him a narrowed eyed look.

" Are you laughing at me?"

He stands in front of me and puts a swift kiss on my lips.

" you're funny! And I love you."

I run my nose along his and say

" I know, I love you too."

He suddenly takes me in his arms and starts kissing me passionately. My brain freezes for a fraction of a second. What's going on? I answer his kiss and tug at his hair. I'm the one who breaks the kiss to get some air.

" Wow! What was that?"

His lips are on my neck, kissing and nibbling.

" I missed you."

He murmurs against my skin which tickles me. I frown and say

" What do you mean? We were together the whole weekend."

I rest my arms on his shoulder while he moves me to the kitchen isle and sits me on it.

" You were planning all this time. I had so much fun, I'm not complaining we were together but we didn't have sex. That's what I meant. But I liked it. It was so refreshing seeing you like that. So lively and in control. You were yourself. Laughing loudly and expressing yourself. It felt so good seeing you like that. I mean after the accident and Bella, you were a little out of sorts. But now you're back. My Anna's back."

I smile and look into his lovely eyes. I trace a line on his forehead with my finger coming down on his eyes.

" Your irises are bigger than usual people! They're somehow the characteristics of your face. I love them."

I bend to kiss his eyes. His lips stretch on his face and he says

" You have a weird sense of observation. I love it."

I run my nose along his and say

" Sorry for not being myself for a while. But I'm okay now and we have a wedding to look forward to."

He puts a chase kiss on my lips and says

" Have you decided what you're going to wear?"

" actually I was thinking of designing my dress and I want to ask Alex's opinion. He's in fashion after all."

James nods and says

" Some times I forget my girlfriend is the owner of one of the biggest fashion companies. Wow I'm dating a celebrity."

I give him a sideways look and say

" First of all I'm not the owner and second I don't know anything about fashion. All my life I spent wearing what I was comfortable in. Sometimes I looked like I came out of a rainbow."

We both laugh when I tell him about my college stories of mismatch clothes.

" I want pizza, would you call get us two large ones and mine with extra cheese and bacon? And Diet Coke? I really need to shower!"

I say and hop down on the floor. He goes to get the phone and says

" Yeah babe, go have your shower I'll order us the pizzas."

I blow him a kiss and walk to the bathroom.

" Oh, I remembered something. Jack is asking Jim to be his best man and I'm my mom's bridesmaid. Are you okay with that? I mean we're going to be up there both of us. Well I'm actually officiating their wedding so I have to be up there and..."

" It's okay babe. I'm fine!"

We're eating our pizzas sitting cross-legged on the rug in front of the TV. We're watching Grey's Anatomy. I downloaded the last four episodes that I couldn't watch and now I'm watching them with James. He hasn't watched it at all and it amazes me. How can he not watch this? I tell him a summary of the story and he seems interested.

" Could you pass me the ketchup please?"

" Honey, you should stop having so much ketchup! It's not good for your health and it's going to worsen your asthma!"

I raise my brows and say

" You've been doing your homework!"

He gives me a chastising look and says

" you also have trouble in your sleep. You toss and turn and sometimes it's like your choking. I've searched and I know it's called sleep apnea. So no! No more ketchup for you."

I shake my head and start laughing.

" Damn internet!"

And bite into my pizza. I actually like it that he's worried about me. God I adore this Man!


	39. Chapter 39

Time literally flew these past few weeks. It's like everything's been on fast forward and the wedding is just in two days. Everything is going as planned so I won't panic. My dress is ready Alex has sent it a week ago from Paris and it will arrive today. I came up with its design by Alex. It's deep dark red with long sleeves which have longitudinal cut mid forearm and they go down as the length of the dress. It's floor length and the skirt is longer in the back. There is a fine cut on my left leg on mid thigh and I don't know the name of the cloth they've made it from but I know some parts are chiffon and organza maybe. It also has a perfect V-cut in both back and front of the dress. Alex was very handy with the design. I always wanted a little brother and here I get it. But he's a big man now I can't really play dress up with him and have a tea party or anything. Everything's actually about big things. He has a company to run and I have to join him in a short time to see what's going on because happy or not I actually am the co-owner of that company with my brother.

I shake my head and try to clear my thoughts. It's my mom's wedding and everything's about her. I don't get to see much of James these days. I miss him a lot. We haven't had some alone time together so I thought tonight we can have a date night. I managed to reserve us a table in the " The Capital Grille", which was a very tough thing to do because they're all reserved because of the holidays and I had to pull some strings to get this reservation. I also reserved us a room at Kimpton Hotel. I want him to know that I'm not neglecting him because of my mother. And mostly I'm doing this because I miss sex and we can't really do it here at my dad's house. Not that he complaints or anything, he's a more gentleman than saying anything.

Sitting in front of the toilet table in my room, I start dolling myself up in my bathrobe. After a light foundation I apply my eye liner and some mascara. I decide to wear the dark velvet red lipstick, it'll go well with the black dress I've chosen for tonight. My hair is going back to its normal curly self and I know he's crazy about my curls so I just apply some of the hair serum Lucy has got me and let it dry by itself while I do my thing.

I texted James and asked him to pick me up at seven. Our reservations are not until eight thirty but I have in mind to make a detour to the beach. I glance at my watch and realize I've got only ten more minutes before James arrives. Discarding my robe, I put on a very sexy set of black and red lingerie. It's lace and it's very expensive. I don't usually spend half a thousand dollar on lingerie but thinking about James face when he sees me in made it worth it.

Five minutes later I'm ready. I put on my two inches shiny black heels and gather my long black jacket and purse. I give myself the last glance in the mirror. My dress is well fitted and my makeup is perfect. I put on a some perfume and go out of my room. Lucy brings her head up and her jaw drops down.

" Oh my God! You look Amazing! I mean you look bulous. That dress is so well fitted in your body, it's as if they've made it for you."

She walks up to me and makes me turn so she can get a better look.

" Thank you Lucy. I love you and I'm so happy my dad has you. I know I was a little pissed at first because you're only just seven years older than me but you kind of grew on me. I'm happy he has you."

I give her a hug and a kiss on the top of her head. My dad is sitting on the couch with his special smile on his dearest face watching me. God I love this Man. I make my way to him and he stands up. I look up to his eyes which look exactly like mine and say

" Thanks daddy, for every thing. I love you so much that sometimes it surprises me that how much can a person love someone else! You're my first love... My knight in a shining armor and you are the best dad any girl can ask for. You are not just my dad, you are my best friend. I'm sorry that I'm a crappy daughter sometimes. I don't mean to be. But life's tough and you know that. So forgive me?"

He takes me in his arms and crashes me to his chest. I love being in his embrace. The door bell rings. I reluctantly leave my old man's arms to go and join my boyfriend who I'm madly in love with. I go to the door and find him standing there all handsome and bright and freshly showered and smelling of cologne, the one I love. He looks me up and down and he's eyes light up like fourth of July.

" Hey beautiful! You really should think about my heart before showing up like this!"

I giggle like a school girl and say

" Hey handsome, I wanted to spend some quality time with my boyfriend so that's going to be by rules."

I say goodbye to my dad and tell him not to wait up for me and that I'm not going to come back home tonight. Tonight I have lots of plans And sleeping is not one of them. We get in the ford mustang James rented for this time we're staying here. He starts the car and says

" Where to babe?"

I give him a salacious look and say

" Ocean!"

" this is perfect!"

We're at the ocean. Looking at the waves coming and going. We're standing side by side, hand in hand, my head is on his shoulder and we're at total peace.

" I love you. I don't say it a lot or show it a lot, but I do. I really love you and I can't imagine how would I get on with my life without you."

He kisses my forehead and continues

" I don't know how it happened or when it happened but you're my lifeline Anna! I can't even breathe thinking about not having you in my life."

I turn my head and kiss him passionately. He sighs and answers my kiss. I'm the first one to break our connection to get some air.

" I arranged tonight because I want a perfect date. I need this. We need this. I've been so busy all this time and I was caught up in work and stuff that I don't really spend time on our relationship. The fact that we live together shouldn't affect us like this. We should set up a calendar or something to have some nights like this. Date nights!"

" Yes, we do. We will do that! As soon as we're back we'll do that!"

He watches me with affectionate eyes and puts a swift kiss on my lips. I smile and say

" We should get going. We have reservations at eight thirty. And then we have to go to our hotel room at Kimpton hotel."

He whistles and says

" You sure have thought this through, haven't you?"

I shrug and wink at him. Wait till you see the real surprise baby.

" We had reservations under the name Pritchett."

We're at the hotel waiting for checking in. I reserved our room under my name so that we could avoid attention. We had a few interruptions during our dinner. A couple of James's fans wanted to take a picture with him. People can be rude sometimes. You don't interrupt someone while they're having dinner. It's not polite at all.

" here's your room key card Mr Pritchett!"

The guy in the reception gives us a knowing smile. Apparently he knows James and he knows that's not his name but he's going with it. Well, perks of dating a movie star. We walk to the elevators hand in hand. He's grazing his thumb over my knuckles which is soothing actually but it's arousing as hell too, because it's associated with anticipation of what's to come. Neither of us speak a single word through our travel up to 15th floor. He never lets go of my hand. He opens the door and steps back for me to get in. I step inside and suddenly I'm nervous. Our sex life has taken a nosedive these days and I never wanted to look sexy; I do now and I have no idea what to do. I walk toward the king size bed and look around the room. Throwing my purse on the armchair on the left side of the room, I open the belt on my jacket and start taking it off when two strong hands stop me. Putting a sweet kiss under my right ear, he whispers

" Let me take care of that!"

I close my eyes and cherish his closeness. I really missed this. I rest my hands on his forearms and rest my head on his shoulder while he works over my belt and opens the buttons on my jacket. I missed being in his arms. These past few days have gone in a blur and we didn't have much time to spend together. I spin in his arms and putting my forearms on his shoulders, I run my hands in his hair and start kissing him. He kisses me back feverishly and say

" I missed you woman! You're barely around anymore. I know I'm being unreasonable and it's your mom's wedding and all... I'm so happy for her and Jack, really I am... but I can't help it. I miss you so much!"

I put a kiss on the tip of his nose and say

" I miss you too. I really do. That's why I arranged a date for tonight. I wanted this to be our night."

He groans and crushed my lips. I can feel his need and feelings and passion. I believe I feel the same. I love him so much.


	40. Chapter 40

" Well everything is fine. Flowers are arranged, seats are ready. People are on their way and the band's here."

My mom looks gorgeous. I always wanted to look like her but we're not biologically related so that's a bummer. She's in a cream long lace and satin dress. Her hair is in a low loose updo braids and she's wearing a light makeup which accents her beautiful doe eyes. Tears fill up my eyes and there's a lump in my throat. She's so beautiful.

" You look dreamy. I love you so much mom."

I give her a hug and kiss her both cheeks. She wipes the single tear that's on my right cheek and says

" Technically, this should be the other way around. I have to hug you and tell you that I love you and it should be you wearing a gorgeous wedding dress and getting married. I feel guilty!"

I shake my head and say

" Stop with this nonsense mom! I'm going to get married and you'll get a chance to give me away so don't worry. Now I have to go, so you know this, we've practiced it. I go out and after five minutes you come outside and walk down that aisle. And remember, you're doing this because you love Jack and you two deserve to be happy together."

Giving her the last firm hug, I go outside the room and take a deep breath. Jim offered to have the wedding at his house. I puff out my breath and make my way to the alter. I try my best not to fall down on my face in these heels. I spot my dad and Lucy at second row, they're looking at me smiling. Grandma's at front row. She doesn't really like me, to her I'm the reason her daughter's marriage broke up. I am polite with her and respect her. I don't know how would I react if I was her. James is next to my uncle Adam. He's my mom's brother and he likes me a lot. We kind of grew up together, he's only 6 years older than me. I arrive at the alter and put a big true smile on my face and say

" Welcome everyone. Thank you so much for joining us in this brilliant evening for a beautiful wedding. I believe now is the time for the best man to accompany the groom to the alter."

They have designed the back garden of the house so beautifully and everything looks so dreamy. The chapel is designed with daffodils, my mom's favorites. And there are aromatic candles on the way to the alter.

Jack walks up to me with Jim. They both look very nice in a tux. Jack looks a little nervous and fidgety. I put a hand on his shoulder and say

" It's going to be alright. Stop worrying!"

He looks at me and blinks a couple of times and then nods. Jim winks at me and mouths at me

" you look delicious!"

I roll my eyes and look at James who's watching Jim with narrowed eyes. Well, he's not clearly wrong! Jim's a bit staring at me. I glare at him and then say

" now it's time for our beautiful bride to show up."

I motion my hand for the band to play the wedding march. Everyone stands up and I see my mom walking down the aisle with his hand in the crook of grandpa's arm. Ah, that man is the best. He winks at me as they walk up to us. He kisses her cheek and goes to sit by grandma. My mom looks like an angel. She stands face to face with Jack and lays her hands on his extended arms.

" So we gathered here today, to celebrate the union of a lovely couple and what's more to show your love more than getting married? So let's hear your vows."

My mom peeks a nervous look at me and I blink at her to reassure her. She looks into Jack's eyes and she wells up

" you know, for thirty years I never thought I would find love again. I thought I had my share of happiness and I used it all so I wouldn't get to be happy and in love again. Until I met you. Jack Christopher Nicholson, I vow to love you until my heart beats. I love you so much. In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, I will take you in all states and stand by you in your best and worst."

There are tears on her beautiful face now, I look around and see her face isn't the only one that's teary. I am crying myself. Jack wipes her tears with his thumbs and says

" When I got back from Iraq, I thought my life was over. I thought I would never ever smile again. I felt that everything was cruel and no one should feel good. I resented people for a long time. After a few years I started my business and got my act together. I was a strict man, I never laughed or joked or anything. But then I saw you, all sparkling and laughing and full of life. You showed me that life has not lost all its beauty. I love you with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life showing that to you."

Okay! I'm practically sobbing. These guys are killing me. Jim provides a handkerchief from his pocket and offers it to me. I take it and mouth a thanks to him. I wipe my tears and remember I have to thank Lucy to get me waterproof mascara. I take a deep breath and say

" Well, Jack, do you take Amanda as your wife?"

He looks at my mom lovingly and says

" I do!"

"Amanda, do you take Jack as your husband?"

She smiles at me and then looks back at Jack and says

" I do, with all my heart!"

I smile at them both and say

" So by the power vested in me by the state of Arizona, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!"

I look away at James, who's staring at me very seriously. I wait to hug my mom and then I'm going to have my own kiss.

" Anna baby, you did wonderful!"

I wrap my arms around her and breathe in her scent. I love this woman who gave me all her love all these years.

" Be happy mom, you deserve it more than anyone."

I take her by her shoulders and say

" I love you so much and I want you to be happy. Promise?"

She kisses my cheeks and says

" Promise, little girl!"

" Congratulations Amy, I hope you have a long happy marriage!"

James says from behind me. He put his left hand on my lower back and gives my mom a one hand hug. She looks at us lovingly and sighs

"This should have been you two!"

I roll my eyes and say

" we've been over this, it's okay mom! You promised me!"

She holds up her hands and says

" Okay okay! Love you guys!"

" love you too!"

Then she turns to greet our guests. James puts his hand under my chin and brings my head up to face him

" What?"

I frown.

" What's on your mind that has made you quite gloomy?"

I shake my head.

" I'm not gloomy, I'm happy. My mom's happy."

He wraps his arms around my waist and says

" Something's bothering you, I don't know what it is but I'm here if you want to talk about it."

" Hey look who's here! It's our little Annie!"

Adam comes up to us cheerfully. James has to let go of me because Adam wants to hug me. He takes me in his arms and twirls me around. I laugh out loud and it reminds me of our childhood. He was like a big brother to me and always came to play with me. Although his mom detested me. He puts me down and says

" wow! Look at you! You look like an angel. You're so grown up!"

I touch his face and say

" Yeah! I'm a doctor now. And so are you! I heard you got engaged. Where is she?"

He shakes his head and says

" it didn't workout! And I see you have company. After all these years of being alone. I'm so happy!"

Then I remember James is standing by my side and he's uncomfortable. I kiss James's cheek and say

" Uh, I'm sorry babe. This is my uncle Adam. We used to be together all the time when we were kids. I think he's the same age as you."

I face Adam and say

" This is my boyfriend James!"

He rises his brows and says

" James Dornan! Wow! Way to go Annie."

They shake hands and start talking animatedly.

" wow look at you! Are you my little Annie?"

" Hey gramps!"

I love grandpa Jay, he's always been so kind and nice. He hugs me hard and kisses my forehead. He keeps me at an arm length and says

" God you look beautiful! You take that from your mom obviously!"

We both laugh at his comment. He always accounted me as his own grandkid. He and grandma don't agree on this matter.

" You look well gramps, not that I want to jinx it or anything. Do you do your regular check ups?"

He laughs and caresses my cheek.

" Yes darling girl, I Do! Don't worry about me. I see you found your knight in a shining armor. You look happy sweetheart. You know how much I love you baby girl. It doesn't matter how old you are! You will always be the little girl that your mom put in my arms and said here's your grand daughter. I know Casey's always been cold towards you but you know I always loved you. I know this look in your eyes. I've seen this look in your mom's eyes when she was in love with your dad and now that she's in love with Jack. You are in love but I can see you have your doubts."

I frown and say

" How can you tell these things?"

He gives me one of his eye wrinkling smiles and says

" Sweetie, I'm seventy nine. I'm entitled to know some things. Now is not the best time but I'm here if you want to talk."

I put a kiss on his hand and say

" I love you gramps!"

" Love you too baby girl!"

The band is playing and people are dancing. I have arranged a special gift for my mom for her wedding. James knows about it. I look at him, he's sitting next to me and listening to Adam and dad talking about politics and stuff. I wink at him and whisper in his ear.

" It's my cue. I'm going on stage now."

He turns and kisses me.

"You'll do great."

I smile at him and give him my purse. I walk up to the stage and nod at the singer. He knows the drill. He steps aside and I take his place. I tap on the microphone twice and it gathers people's attention.

" Ever since I was a kid I dreamt about this day and I always knew I was going to do this. Mom, I love you so much and I'm so happy that I get to be with you on your happiest day. I know I've never done this in public but I'm willing to do it for you."

I motion the band and they start playing the song I asked them.

" _She may be the face I can't forget  
The trace of pleasure or regret  
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay  
She may be the song that summer sings  
Maybe the chill that autumn brings  
Maybe a hundred different things  
Within the measure of a day" _

My mom is looking at me with tearful eyes and her hand flies to her mouth. Dad and James are watching me lovingly.

" _She may be the beauty or the beast  
May be the famine or the feast  
May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell  
She may be the mirror of my dreams  
A smile reflected in a stream  
She may not be what she may seem  
Inside her shell"_

Jack takes her hand and they start dancing. This is all I've ever wanted.

" _She, who always seems so happy in a crowd  
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud  
No one's allowed to see them when they cry  
She may be the love that cannot hope to last  
May come to me from shadows in the past  
That I remember 'till the day I die"_

People are coming to the dance floor and dancing. And Jim has to be the candy and ask grandma to dance.

" _She maybe the reason I survive  
The why and wherefore I'm alive  
The one I'll care for through the rough in many years"_

My mom is actually crying. And so am I. I scan the room and figure out that we are not the only two people who're crying.

" _Me, I'll take her laughter her tears  
And make them all my souvenirs  
And where she goes I've got to be  
The meaning of my life is  
She, she  
Oh, she"_

I walk down the stage And walk to my Mom. She flies into my arms and starts sobbing. I kiss her hair several times and say

" You are the reason I'm alive mom. I love you so much. Congratulations!"

She looks up in my eyes and sniffs.

" That was the most beautiful gift you could have given to me. Thanks darling girl."

I kiss her blotchy nose and say

" there's more! First, I'm going to sing again. And second... well you're going to find that out later."

She touches my face and says

"You're the best kid every parent can have."

I make a face and laugh.

" Can I have this dance?"

She beams at me and puts her hand on my shoulder. She's the one who taught me how to dance. The singer is singing "it had to be you". We start moving in our own rhythm. It brings back lots of memories. I know a few people are staring because they probably thought I was gay all these years and now dancing like this isn't really helping that.

" You know people probably thought I was gay up until now."

She laughs and says

" No honey, it's not true. But any way you're with James now and if anyone had thought that, it would prove them wrong!"

I extend my hand and she swirls around and comes back to me.

" You know I always loved dancing with you."

I swirl her again, this time to the left. She spins and comes back in my arms.

" I love you mom, I love you so much. You are the best mom anyone could wish for. You weren't just my mom. You've always been my best friend. And I'm so happy you found love again. I'm sorry it took so long because you didn't start dating until I was in college. I'm sorry you had to stop your life for me. I'm so happy you got on track now."

She looks at me tenderly and says

" Baby, I didn't wait for you. I waited for me. I wanted to be there with you all the time. I wanted to be at your side when you reached your milestones. Well, I wasn't there holding you when you fell in love and it's the biggest milestone in life. But I got to be there with you when you where happy and that's all that matters to me. You make me the proudest mom. And you should be dancing with your hot boyfriend before the girls steal him away!"

I laugh and say

" No one can get him. He's mine. And don't make excuses to get rid of me so you can dance with your man."

We laugh and walk to them. Jack and Jim and James and my dad are talking about me and mom apparently.

" That was really impressive."

Jack is eyeing me up and down.

" That's my girl."

My dad can't gloat enough.

" Well, Dr Anna Pritchett is full of surprises."

James snakes his arms around my waist and starts kissing me passionately. Jeez, he's going to make me moan in front of my parents. I break our kiss to get some air.

" honey, my parents are watching."

" I don't care who's watching, that was so damn arousing. It's taking all my self control not to rip this beautiful and really expensive dress and take you right here."

He whispers in my ear and I think I look like a beet root right now. I glare at him and narrow my eyes. I feel a familiar presence behind me.

" Can I have this dance with my niece?"

Adam puts his hand on my shoulder and looks at James.

" I'm going to give her back to you after one song."

James kisses me once more and says

" she's all yours."

I glare at them both and say

" you don't get to say that!"

Adam pushes me to the dance floor and says

"don't start with your women's right nonsense."

I shake my head and laugh. He's always been like this.

" I'm so tired I can barely move my toes. I have a killer backache and headache. And I think I had a little too much to drink cause I don't sway like this in my normal state and I can walk on my own. So I think I'm a little drunk. And I'm blurting words right now."

James is helping me walk to my room. I reserved a honeymoon suite for my mom and Jack. I also reserved one for my dad and Lucy.

" You know I feel good. My dad didn't get laid since I came here and it didn't seem fair to him. I have invaded his privacy and he can't have Lucy here all the time like he needs or wants or whatever."

James chuckles. I bring up my head and look at his beautiful face.

" You're beautiful. I love you so much. You know that?"

He looks at me lovingly and says

" Yeah babe, I love you too."

We reach my bedroom and he helps me to sit on my bed. He sits down to take off my shoes. I run my hands in his hair and say

" I always loved you. There were always these guys who I dated. They wanted to sleep with me but I didn't want them to. I wanted to be with you. Since I was fifteen. I fantasized about being with you."

He puts away my shoes and walks to my chest of drawers.

" I'm flattered honey. You know how to boost my self-esteem."

He takes out one of my night wears and walks back to me. He sits behind me and works my zipper.

" hmmm, I love it when you undress me. It makes me horny. Well I'm always horny. For You! But we can't do it all the time. You know I find it hard to concentrate on my work sometimes because I'm thinking about you, between my legs."

He puts a kiss on the back of my neck which makes me shiver. I turn and smash his lips to mine. He tries to tame me but I can't be tamed right now. I want him so bad. He pulls my dress off my shoulder and I start undressing him.

" Baby, you're drunk and tired and so sexy. It's not fair. I have to stop you."

I frown. He's going to deny me sex? It's a crime.

" Don't do that! Don't deny me. I want you. All the time I want you. Take me! Please! I know I probably stink with alcohol and you don't like me like that. But please sleep with me. I'm all hot and bothered and I want sex. As my boyfriend is your responsibility to give it to me. Don't be a gentleman now. I want sex."

He laughs so loudly that tears start to come out of his eyes. I frown at him and punch him in the chest.

" Don't laugh at me!"

He shakes his head and says

" I'm not laughing at you. You are so adorable when you're drunk."

" So give me sex if I'm adorable."

He starts kissing me like a mad man. Oh Well, now you're talking. This is what I want. This is what I love. I love to have it with him and him only.


	41. Chapter 41

" Hey babe wake up! We're home."

James kisses my forehead and I open my eyes to see we're at the corner to our street. He parks the car in the garage and says

" Welcome home sleepy head."

I stretch my body and make some noises which make me feel better. James chuckles and shakes his head. He looks at me lovingly and says

" God you're pretty!"

I give him a sideways look and get out of the car. I take out my phone from my pocket and call Amelia.

" Hey Anna, how are you?"

" perfect! How are you? How are the kids? Is Denise okay?"

James gets out and walks towards me mouthing at me

" Why did you call her?"

I turn my back to him and continue my conversation with Amelia. I invite her over for dinner and ask her to bring Denise back and that she can leave the girls to have sleep over at ours and I can take tomorrow off and play with them. Tomorrow is my office day so I can ask Maggie to rearrange my schedule. I open the door and walk to the kitchen and fill the kettle and put it on the stove.

" Why aren't you talking to me exactly? What have I done?"

I whip my head at him and say

" What have you done? Seriously? You denied me! I was drunk and sad and vulnerable and you rejected me! Do you know how I felt? I felt like garbage! I just wanted you to make love to me. I didn't need you to be a gentleman about it."

He raises his brows and looks at me like I've lost my mind. I know I'm not being reasonable but I just need to get this out of my system.

" You're mad because I didn't sleep with you or because I denied you what you thought was your right?"

I narrow my eyes at him and shake my head

" Seriously?! You want to play word games with me now? I'm tired. I'm going to get a shower and then I'll come and make dinner. Amelia and the kids are coming over for dinner and I asked Amelia to let the girls stay for the night. I miss them so much."

He frowns and says

" I thought we could be alone tonight, make up for the time we couldn't have been together much."

I walk to the bathroom and say

" well, two can play at a game m'dear! You deny me, I deny you! That's the deal!"

" So you're going to pick up a fight because I respected you?"

I reach the bathroom door and turn to him. He walks up to me and looks worried. Running his hand through my hair, he puts a chase kiss on my lips and says

" please! Let's not fight!"

I shake my head and my anger subsides a little. I put my forearms on his shoulders and say

" I don't want to pick a fight! Next time I ask you to give me sex, you give it to me; no matter what state I am in!"

He nods and smiles. I put a kiss on his nose and say

" Amelia and the kids will be here any minute. I won't take long, I just have to wash the airplane off my body. I'll be out in four minutes."

He shakes his head and kisses my forehead.

" Don't take long babe."

" So how was the wedding? Did you get it right?"

The girls are running around with James and Denise. They are adorable. Amelia and I are sitting on the barstools at the kitchen isle and watching them playing catch. I look at Amelia's angelic face and say

" Yeah it was very good. I sang three songs for my mom. And I'm really tired but I had to see the girls. I know James misses them so much too, but he keeps it to himself. He doesn't say anything. But I often find him staring at their pictures in his phone and it really hurts to see him like that."

I turn my head to the kids again. They are having so much fun with their daddy. Amelia puts her hand on my arm and says

" Hey, don't beat yourself up! It's alright."

I shake my head and try to wipe my head from disturbing thoughts.

" You know I had a good mind to send him back to you. When I read what he's said about you. You are the love of his life. He needs his kids."

" Hey look at me!"

I turn to look at her beautiful face. She's got the most mesmerizing eyes.

" He loves you. I see the way he looks at you. I knew he loved you before he even knew it. That's why I didn't like you. And well you weren't really easy to hate. We were going through a rough patch and instead of keeping him I pushed him away every time he wanted to talk things out. So he found you and confided in you. He brought all his naggings to you and was perfect with me. And by that little by little he fell for you. The way he feels about you, I can't describe it but it's very strong. You're his best friend. And I didn't like the fact that he feels so strongly about you but I'm moving on too. I'm seeing someone actually."

I raise my brows and a big smile appears on my face.

" Well about time! Who is he? How did you meet? What's his name? Tell me everything! And the most important thing is whether you're happy! So tell me!"

She gives me a shy smile and starts playing with the ring on the middle finger of her right hand.

" well, his name is Colin! We met at the gym. He seems to be good guy. I mean we've only been to a couple of dates so there's a lot to know about him. But I have a good feeling you know?"

I take her hands in mine and say

" Yes honey, I know what you mean. Be careful and have fun! Try to enjoy yourself and feel free to leave the kids here whenever you wanted to go out with him. Don't hesitate okay? And I'm so happy for you!"

She presses my hand and says

" Thanks Anna! That means a lot!"

" You're welcome. And I mean it! Anytime if I can help, call me or drop by!"

She smiles and nods. Then we're back at our tea drinking and watching the kids and their dad.


	42. Chapter 42

"Andy, it's me! Again! For the hundredth time... please call me back! I miss you. I'm worried about you. So please, call me!"

I'm leaning on the railings of the balcony in my office. Today is one of those days. I had a nineteen year old kid dying on my watch. He was suffering from major depression. We had him under tight control and all but today he found a broken glass and cut his carotid artery, he died in five seconds. Five damn seconds and he bled out. On my watch! How did this happen? I'm going to have to handle a very heavy M&M for this one! I shake my head and run my fingers in my hair. It's grown longer and it's back to its normal curly form. I can worry about it later. Now I have to get myself together and get ready to face that kid's parents.

Suddenly, there's a hand on my shoulder. I turn back and see it's Dr Murphy. He's a colleague here and a very good friend.

" Anna! Don't beat yourself up! You saved that kid so many times but you can only help so much. It's not your fault."

I shake my head and wipe the tears from my face with the back of my hand.

"I could have done better. I could have teached better. These things shouldn't have happened in the first place. I'm going to do what I had to do from the start. Please inform everyone to be in the conference room tomorrow at six thirty tomorrow morning. I'm going to write a new protocol for this ward! I am the chief of psychiatry so I better start act like it."

He gives me a bright smile. The contrast between his pearl white teeth and his chocolate complexion is funny somehow. I would have made a comment on that if I wasn't so shaken up.

" I'll do that! Go home now. Get some rest we'll be there tomorrow. They called the Alan's parents. They're on their way. You can deal with that tomorrow."

I nod and go inside to get my things and get out of here as fast as I can.

The session went well. I've written a new guideline and protocol for my staff. I've dealt with Alan's parents first thing in the morning before starting the session. I answer the doctors' questions about these new rules and then go in my office. I throw myself on the couch and close my eyes. I'm beginning to catch my breath when my phone rings. I answer with my eyes closed.

" Hello?"

" Anna! It's me!"

My eyes spring open and I sit upright.

" Andy! Oh Thank God! I was so worried. Where the hell have you been? You've had me worried sick! Do you have any idea how I feel right now?"

I hear him giving a weak chuckle.

" Take a deep breath, babe. I missed you too."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. He's okay. That's what matters. Relief floods in my body and I feel at ease for a moment then he starts talking again

" Anna, I've got to tell you something."

There's an alarming note to his voice that makes every hair in my body stand.

" Andy, where are you? I'm coming to get you just tell me where you are!"

I stand up to get my purse.

"No Anna, listen! I love you."

I stand still, completely at shock! What the hell! I snatch my purse from my desk and run out side. Dr Murphy is looking at me wide eyed when I rush past him. I don't have time for this. I'll deal with him later. But now I think one of my friends is going to do a huge mistake. I don't even consider waiting for the elevator and run to the stairs already. Which they used to scare the deep out of me after that incident but now it doesn't matter. I have a really bad gut feeling and I know I have to get to Andy as fast as I can.

" I always loved you, Anna. Since the first time we came to your office for shooting that scene. Since the first time I laid my eyes on you, I loved you. I felt that I have found my one. But you only had eyes for Jamie. Not that I didn't root for you two or anything, I did. But he was married and you were so hot. But you didn't seem to share the same interest, So I settled for being just friends. You were so pure and lovely and oblivious to your charms, that it made it impossible to not love you."

I jump in my car seat and start the car right away and go out of the parking lot. I hear him let out a deep sigh and he continues

"Then you disappeared and I couldn't get a hold on you. Your phone was off, you wouldn't answer your emails; I didn't even know if you were alive. I blamed Jamie for that and picked up hell of a fight with him."

I make a sharp turn to 5th Avenue which causes me some swears and giving fingers. But I can't care less about them. I have to get to him as soon as I can.

"You know I had lots of relationships but I never felt for anyone the way I felt about you. And don't get me wrong! I'm not telling you this because I want to ruin your relationship or anything. I just figured you had the right to know because..."

He stops talking. I have a really heart clenching feeling about this. I pass the red light and make another sharp turn to Columbia Street, heading in the direction of his house.

" Andrew John Stacy! Tell me what the hell have you done right now, so help me I will kill you myself if you've done anything stupid!"

He sighs and I can hear his smile. I floor the gas pedal and make some in line moves. I used to be a reckless driver as a teenager and I was good at it. It comes handy in situations like this.

" I'm going to miss you so much. You know I had always wanted to kiss you. I had a dream about it once. It was so sweet and soft and dreamy."

His voice is getting weaker as he goes on.

"Andy, don't do this to me. Please! Whatever you're doing, just stop it."

Another weak laugh.

" It's a little late for that sweetie."

My heart skips a beat.

"What have you done?"

" Goodbye Anna! I love you..."

I stop at his house and get out of the car right away. He's hung up the phone. Son of a bitch! I can't get inside. I try bumping my fists on the door and shouting. But it's no good. I open the lock pad and start to guess the combination. I try my birth date and it opens. You moron! I run the space from the door to the mansion. Does he have to live in this very big house?

"Andy? ANDY! Where the hell are you?"

I run upstairs to his room and find him in his bed. I stop at the door frame and catch my breath. He's lying down and his eyes are closed. Like he's asleep. But something is really wrong with this picture. He's looking pale, cyanotic even! I run to his bed and put my hands on his shoulders and start shaking him.

"Andy! Wake up! Listen to me! You have to tell me what you have done? Have you overdosed? What did you take?"

I take my phone out of my pocket and call 911 telling them to send an ambulance right away. His eyelids flicker and he opens his pupils are extremely dilated, his skin is clammy and cold, his breaths are shallow. I'm guessing heroin overdose. He reaches out his hand and touches my face. His hands are ice cold.

" You're here. It must be over now. I thought I'd go to hell if I commit suicide. But this looks like heaven. You're here!"

I can't control my tears. They wash over my face. I put both my hands on either side of his face and say

" Yes I'm here. I called 911. They'll be here any minute. Just stay with me okay? Did you overdose on heroin?"

He wipes the tears from my cheeks and says

" Yes, you know I'm bipolar and I have Major Depression Disorder so I'm so screwed up. I can't have a normal life. I've already seen what happened to my mom when she got admitted in the loony bin and my brother when he started on those meds. I'm not going through that. I want to go in peace so please... let me go."

I shake my head and say

" No I'm not letting you die on me! Not like this! I'll never forgive you if you leave me like this!"

He gives me a weak smile and says

" So I guess I'm not going to be forgiven ever. I'll miss you..."

He looks at me tenderly and the light from his eyes go away. I shake my head.

"This can't be happening! No! No! No! Andy stay with me! You listen to me! Stay with me..."

I take him by his shoulder and take him to the floor and start CPR. I can't remember how to do one. I've done lots of CPRs in my life, dozens of times. But I can't remember what to do. Think Anna! Think! Ok Chest compression, I start by that I have to do it hard and fast. I do thirty compressions and go up to his face to give him 2 breaths. I check his carotid pale, nothing! I go again... I do it for 4 cycles until the paramedics arrive. I shout to inform them where we are. I haven't had any progress with him. He's just not coming back. They enter the room and start asking questions.

" Who are you?"

One of them pushes me away and goes on with the CPR.

"I'm his friend. I'm a doctor. Psychiatrist!"

He pushes some epinephrine in his veins and says

" How long has he been under?"

I shake my head.

" I don't know I think ten fifteen minutes! He overdosed. Heroin I think. His got the signs. I started CPR the minute he flat out. I couldn't get him back. I just couldn't. It's my fault. He's got MDD. I should've noticed before. It's my fault. He's dying on me."

The room is shaking. Everybody is shaking. I can't see clearly; Everything is fuzzy. One of the paramedics is intubating Andy. There are three of them. Two of them are working on him. The other one comes to me and takes me by my shoulders.

" Are you alright? You're shaking. What's your relationship with him? Is he your boyfriend?"

I shake my head.

" He's one of my best friends. He's my friend. He said he loved me. He's my friend."

She helps me to my feet and it's hard for her cause she's so petit and I'm big. I try my best to stand and accompany them. Once we're out, I go to my car but the petit girl holds me back.

" You're in no state of driving. Come on! We're going to get you to the hospital."

Every thing is shaking. Is there an earthquake? I hear my teeth and realize it's I that's shaking. I get into the ambulance and watch them keep pressing his chest. I tell them to go to my hospital. And since it's near they don't fight me on it. I know and they know that he's long gone. I saw the life go out of his beautiful big brown eyes. That Sonovabich! Why did he do this to me? I put my face in my hands and try to find my happy place. I can't! Andy killed himself. I can't! I just can't.


	43. Chapter 43

These days I'm feeling gloomier than ever. I've been walking around in a haze since Andy died. I go to my work and do my job but I can't feel anything except fear. My nightmares are back; it usually starts like I go inside the house shouting his name, Andy's, but I find James lying on the ground, cold, pale, dead. I start shrieking from the top of my lungs and scare the hell out of my beloved boyfriend every night. I can't go to sleep, because of my nightmares and I'm tired all the time because my lack of sleep.

All the drive home, my mind is occupied. I have to get out of here. I can't go like this anymore. I look like addicts, sunken eye balls, trembling hands, I'm even getting temporal wasting for God's sake! This won't do. I can't go like this anymore. I have to do something about my life. I need to take a break from everything or I'm going to have a nervous break down.

I arrive at home at seven thirty. I open the door and find that there are candles every where. Bringing my hand to my mouth, I gape at James who's standing in the middle of a heart shaped rose petals in the middle of our living room. Oh My God! Tears find their familiar way through my cheeks. I walk to him, clutching at my throbbing chest and he watches me with the brightest smile…

" Anna, when I met you I was in a bad situation. I was lost and you helped me find myself, I never knew I would fall for you but I did…"

" James…"

I sob… I can't believe this is happening...

" Anna, there are so many things I want to tell you, so many places I want to go with you, so many things I want to do with you, I want the eternity with you. I am a better person because of you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life, will you marry me?"

Shaking sobs start to overwhelm me…

" Ever since… I was fifteen… I dreamt about this… about you asking me to marry you…"

I say between my sobs…

" I tried to think what would I say?... how would I react…"

I wipe my nose with the back of my hand in the most un-woman kind way …

" I love you so much… and it's my dream to marry you…"

Well, here's the time Pritchett… tell him your plans…

" But not now!"

And I see, I see the light in his eyes turn off… he walks towards me and takes my hands in his…

" what is it Anna? Oh God, You're freezing! Why don't you want to be married to me? Are you saying no?"

Oh My God! He sounds hurt! A new wave of tears start to flow. Bringing his hands to my lips, I kiss them a thousand times. I take a deep breath and say…

" Have you ever realized that we never fight?!"

He frowns, not getting where I'm getting with this…

" So? That's a good thing! Right?"

I shake my head and say…

" No! It's not healthy. We never fight because I can't get mad at you. I can't because I love you so much that it's consuming me. I'm simply incapable of getting angry with you, so instead I get angry with myself…"

I put my hands on either side of his face and say…

" You intoxicate me, James Dornan! The depth of my feelings for you is so much that I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself in the end…"

His eyes search mine, trying to gauge my plans, scared as hell… I close my eyes and say…

" I think it's better we take a break…"

I hear him gasp… he takes me by my shoulders and says…

" No, no, no, no, no! You're breaking up with me?"

My eyes spring open and I say…

" No! Oh God No! I'm just saying that it's essential for us to take some time apart from each other. We're not breaking up. You know, our relationship didn't start as a normal one. First there was the forbidden fruit and then I went away and when I came back, we started living together. we skipped so many steps. I'm not sure that now this proposal is because you are accustomed to having me around here or because you really love me…"

He touches my face, his fingers passes my trembling lips…

" Of course I love you…"

I kiss his fingers and say…

" I know, I love you too. But we need to figure this out. One month… one month we stay away from each other… no texts, no calls, no anything. I have to go to some countries, for Bella's companies, some of them are in the Europe, one in Asia and one here in the US. I'll be gone for a month, then when I come back, if you still desired me like you do now, I will accept your proposal with all my heart..."

He shakes his head and says

" I don't want this! I don't want you to go away! I want to marry you… there's nothing more I want…"

I touch his dear, dear face, tracing his features with my fingertips, remembering in one of his interviews, he said he doesn't feel sexy. Well, I find him really sexy… his lips, they're my heaven… his eyes, they're my life… his arms, they're my solace… this very man standing here in front of me, proposing to me in this sweet romantic way, is my life line...

" After all that happened, first all my doubts about if coming back was a good idea, you going away and me missing you… then losing my baby! After that your sister called me a gold digger… and to top it all, Andy committing suicide…"

My voice cracks on the last word… Ah Andy! Why did you do this? Why did you kill yourself? James looks at me like he's losing me, the pain in his eyes is so palpable, I feel it right in my heart…

" Don't I get a say in this?"

He shakes his head exasperatedly…

" No! You have to listen to me… this is for us…"

I put a kiss on his chin and say…

" This one month away from each other, will either strengthen our bond…"

I fight the lump that's forming in my throat…

" Or… or cut it out for good…"

James wraps his arms around my shaking body…

" Don't leave… we'll figure it out… Anna please…"

I turn my head to lock my lips to his. I was going for a small chase kiss but he crashes me against his chest and starts kissing me so fiercely. Taking me by my waist, he sends me up, making me lock my legs around his waist. He walks through the candles to our bedroom. Tears wash my face. I can feel his tears too. He puts me down in the bedroom and starts undressing me. I can't see clearly because of my tears but I can feel his hands are shaking. He doesn't stop until I'm in my underwear in front of him. He, then wraps his arms around me again and starts kissing me. This is the last time we're going to sleep together for at least a month. I want to remember every second of it. He pushes me gently towards the bed and lowers me onto it…

James's head is on my chest, I can feel his tears running between my breasts. My tears are staining the pillow under my head. I run my fingers through his hair and he nuzzles my chest…

" Don't leave me!"

I bend my head and kiss his hair…

" I'm not leaving you. We're just going to be away from each other for a month…"

He moves up and puts his head on his propped up elbow and says…

" Then you'll marry me?"

I raise my right hand to touch his face...

" If you want me then, yes with pleasure…"

I sit straight up and hold out my index finger at him…

" If this month that I'm away, you sleep with someone else, I'm going to cut your head off James Dornan!"

He chuckles and kisses my finger…

" Don't worry. I'll never cheat on you."

I pout and push him down so I can lie on his chest. It's been ten days since the last time we slept together. All these things had taken my libido away for good. But now, I want more before I go. I move my hand down his body and say…

" I want more of you… before I leave…"

He gets my intentions and starts kissing me all over again…


	44. Chapter 44

It's 10 pm when I arrive at Charles de Gaulle airport. It's not my first time in France. I've been here with my folks before and I came for a conference a couple of times. But this is the first time I'm feeling uncomfortable because I'm going to stay with Alex and his dad at their mansion. Alex said he would pick me up here at the airport. So I just have to get my luggage and passport and check out.

After what seems to be a lifetime, I come out of the transit salon and look out for my brother. Every time I think about him it makes me smile. He's a cheerful spirit and I love him so much.

" Hey there, big sis!"

I turn around and find my handsome young brother. I take him in my arms and say

" God, I missed you bro."

He pats my back and says

" Me too, honey. Let's get going, you must be exhausted."

I let go of him and yawn.

" Like you wouldn't believe. I can sleep for two straight days."

He chuckles and takes my suitcase by the handle. He puts his other hand on the small of my back and we walk to the exit door.

" the driver will take us home. Everything's ready for your arrival."

I roll my eyes and pray for it not to be a big ceremony. I just need to crash for a couple of hours. The chauffeur opens the back doors of the limo. I give Alex a sideways glance. He shrugs and says

" Company rules. You're one of the owners now. Just accept the largesse that's coming to you."

I roll my eyes again and get in the car. He's hopelessly trying to be funny. He sits next to me and takes the champagne from the ice bucket. He opens the bottle artfully and fills the flutes. We clink our glasses and say

" cheers!"

I take a sip and let out a sigh. It's so delicious. I take a look at the label, it's a Dom Perignon Brut. That thing costs a fortune. This company must be really high levelled to have things like this. I drink the rest of my champagne and Alex fills my glass again. I ask him to tell me about the company. It was established twenty years ago. It was first a small company but apparently Bella had noble ideas which attracted lots of attentions and soon she had found a lot of people interested in investing in her company. She started another office in Rome, Italy; then in Austria and Bulgaria; after that she started in the States, too. That was ten years ago. She's quite well known in the fashion world. Well I don't know anything about fashion but when I googled her, I found a lot of important information.

We arrive at the mansion after forty five minutes. It's in Montmartre, one of the classiest neighbourhoods in Paris. Well, they're nothing but luxurious. I come from a rich line of family too, but we never were as pretentious. My dad was always well off but he taught me the value of money. I wasn't some lazy ass kid who's been pampered all through my life. I worked nearly all my adult life because I wanted to. My life style is far from living in a mansion or having a maid or anything like that. The Chauffeur parks the car in the parking space by the building and gets out to open our doors. I start to open mine but Alex stops me.

" hey, I know this all makes you uncomfortable, but he gets offended if you don't let him get your door. He'll think you dislike him or something. That he's not worthy of getting your door."

My eyes pop open like two 500 cents! What the hell!?

" Are you serious?"

He doesn't get the chance to answer me because Abel opens the door and speaks English with a sweet accent.

" Welcome home, mademoiselle."

I smile and thank him. We go inside with Alex. I'm too tired to look around. I just need to hit the hay! We get inside and I find a line of maids in aprons and some men in suits. Three women and three men. They all turn to me and all their eyes seem to be soon popped out of their sockets. Alex starts introducing everyone.

"Hi guys, this is my big sister, Dr Anna Pritchett."

Then he starts introducing the women. Raison is the fat cute old lady, who's in charge of the kitchen. Rene is the middle aged lady who's in charge of cleaning the mansion. Roux is the young girl, probably in her twenties, that is Rene's daughter and Raison's granddaughter and helps her folks in keeping the household running. The guys are Adam the male version of Raison who happens to be her husband, he's the butler. Rafael is Rene's husband, he's in charge of the garden. And Samuel is Roux's fiancé and he helps with the household chores.

Raison comes up to me and starts speaking so fast in French. I only get a gist of what she's saying. Mostly about how much I look like Bella and she is welcoming me. Rene joins her and says

" Excuse my mother. She gets carried away. You look exhausted. Welcome home mademoiselle. Your room is ready. You can have a bath or take a shower then join your family for the supper."

Samuel takes my suitcase and smiles at me. I put a hand on Rene's arm and say

" Hey, I really appreciate it. But I just need to sleep. I'm not hungry. Thanks though."

" Stop with the nonsense Anna, you should eat before going to sleep. You're a doctor you must know better."

I turn around to find Mr Jones behind me. I smile at him and say

"Thanks so much, Mr Jones. Sorry for the bother. I would have gone to a hotel but Alex wouldn't let me."

He embraces me with such affection that leaves me gobsmacked. I accept his embrace by putting my hands on his back. He steps back and smiles at me.

" Welcome home, Anna! I think I never get used to how much you look like Bella."

I have an uncomfortable feeling. I don't like to be a statue to be remembered about my mother whenever anyone sees me. I'm me! He senses my discomfort and shakes his head.

" No, we know you're not something to remember her by, I meant that it's good to see a familiar face. Don't let me hold you back. Go to your room and freshen up."

" I really appreciate all this but I'm really not hungry. I had dinner on the airplane, twice!"

He looks at me and nods

" you must be very tired. It's a very long flight. We'll let you rest. See you tomorrow then."

I smile at him and follow Alex to where is supposed to be my room for the time being.

" Wow!"

This room is as big as my living room. There are photos of me from my childhood most of them from a far. And there are some of the pictures of me that are on the internet. There's a huge fourposter at the left wall of the room and there's a toilet set ten feet away from it.

" she kept your room ready, for the day you finally came home. She refurnished this room every year herself. She loved you Anna and there wasn't a day that she didn't spend missing you and regretting her decision."

" Please stop saying home! I feel uncomfortable. I don't mean to be rude but I have a home. Actually two. One is in Phoenix and other one in Seattle. I felt loved and cherished by both my parents all these years. I don't mean that I'm not happy I met her in the end. I am! But this is all so overwhelming. I need time."

Alex puts a hand on my left arm and says

" I know, I'm sorry. I'm just so happy to have you here. I always wanted to meet you and get to know you. now you're here and I'm over the moon. I'm sorry if it bothers you. I'll stop if you want."

I hug him and crash him against my chest.

" It's okay. I'm sorry for being a bitch!"

He pats my back and says

" Don't say that!"

He steps back from my embrace and says

" I won't get your time. Get some sleep."

And with a kiss on my cheek he leaves the room. I throw myself on the bed and turn on my phone. There's a ping on my email. I check it, it's from James. He's sent it this morning. But my phone was off and I received it now. With a heavy heart I open his email and with reading the first word I fall into tears.

" My Dearest Anna,

I wish I knew why you left like that. I know you needed your space. So I granted your wish. But it's not goodbye. I'm going to wait for the day you'll be back. I miss you. I won't bother you anymore.

Have a nice vacation my love,

Your James"

And there's a song attached to the email. I put on my ear plugs and play the song. The name is " It's not goodbye." I close my eyes as my tears wet my pillow.

" until the day I let you go

Till we say our next hello

It's not goodbye

Till I see you again

I'll be right here remembering when

And if time is on our side

There will be no tears to cry on down the road

There is one thing I can't deny, It's not goodbye."

I turn and try to smother my sobs into the pillow. I cry until I fall into a troubled sleep.


	45. Chapter 45

" This is our designs for this summer. What do you think?"

I'm staring at the magazine of the designs that Sam has handed me. He's apparently the head of the designers and is very talented in his work. He's earning a small fortune for his work though. I shuffle through pages and twist my lips. I give him a bright smile and say

" Truth is I don't know jack squad about fashion designing. But there's this thing, you see in the designs No. 15 and 32 they're so much alike! I don't know it's me or it's really there. And I like 27 and 22 a lot. I think they look good on people like me that don't have much curves. And design No. 17, the summer breeze, I think using both warm and cold colors are better you know. Because it's summer and it's warm but we need cooling too. Then again, I don't know anything about fashion."

He's staring at me wide eyed and wide mouthed. I'm worried if he had a stroke. Alex puts a hand on my shoulder and tells Sam

" I told you so! She would surprise everyone."

I turn to him and his dashing smile hurts my eyes.

" What's happening? Was this a test?"

He nods and says

" This was the catalogue that we presented to mom before she was gone. She said the exact same things as you're saying now. Although she used more specific terms and went into more details. But it was the same. You have her eyes. It's a good thing."

I open my mouth to say something but he cuts me short.

"And before you start! I know you're a doctor and you love your job. But you can do both. Believe me! Just give it a try. We have you for three weeks here as you said. So spend your three weeks with me. And let's see what we can do. What do you say? Hm?"

He gives me a poppy dog eyed look and a sexy pout. Had I known having a really adorable sibling who makes it so difficult to say no to was so unbearable, I'd never wished for one! I take a deep breath and pinch his nose.

" Okay! But just because you're my only brother and I love you so much!"

He throws his arms around me and kisses my cheeks so many times saying thank you. I can't help but laugh. He's so loving and caring. And I love him.

" How are things going there? How's your project going?"

Laying down on one of the stretchers by the pool under the umbrella and sipping my margarita feels like heaven. I've been working with Alex for the past week and we've been successful so far. We are holding a fashion show in a week and everything has to be perfect. I'm talking on the phone with Fae, she's been my best friend since med school. We both studied at Stanford then she went for neuroscience and I for psychiatry. But we never lost contact. We talk to each other on the phone or Skype or something else. She usually gives great advice about everything. And I love her so much. We have been room mates back then and we had such great times together.

" It's going. Sometimes I hit an obstacle but then I overcome it. It's okay. Enough about me. How are you doing? Haven't tried to call James yet?"

I feel a lump in my throat. I swallow to take it down.

"No, I've been busying myself with work. I will send you some of our designer clothes. I asked them to reserve 5 of the dresses for you. I just need your sizes."

I hear her gasp.

" Don't do that! I don't expect you to do anything like that!"

I smile at her tone. I would crash her against my chest If she was with me now.

" Cut the crap and send me your sizes. So how is that McCartney guy? How many times have you broken up with him up until now?"

She chuckles and I hear the air moving. She's walking to somewhere else?

" is he with you right now?"

" yes! I'm at his place. We were having pizza for lunch."

" isn't it like 11:00 am there? Why so early?"

She chuckles.

" We've been so active since this morning. That's why we got hungry so early. We were so busy we forgot to have breakfast."

I laugh so hard that there's margarita coming out of my nose and I'm so close to falling into the pool.

" Oh my God! You and I are so alike! I guess you're as insatiable as I! God help Liam!"

She laughs and says

" Yeah I guess am as insatiable as you! I just want to jump him every minute. And he doesn't need help. He's pretty damn good himself!"

I laugh loudly again. God, it's so refreshing talking to her. We were both virgins before our first real boyfriends. We never went more that first base with any one. I sigh with a smile.

" I'm really glad that you found your prince charming, too! I knew you would. Well he found you but then it doesn't matter. What matters is that you're happy. And you deserve it. So loosen up a bit. You'll have fun!"

I hear her sigh. She's always been like this. Always over thinking. Always so cautious. She can't let loose. But I keep asking her to. I love her so much. She's always been there for me. In every milestone and heartbreak. She took my hand through everything. I tried to hook her up with Jason but there was no luck. They never went higher than being friends. And they're both my beloved friends.

"let me know if you needed anything."

" I will honey, don't worry."

"Uh , and I may come pay you a visit in the next two weeks. I'll get a hotel near your place for a week. I decided to pay you a visit now that I'm off work. I miss you so much.

" I'll be so happy to see you Anna, and don't talk nonsense. You can crash at mine. We'll have slumber parties and maybe even get drunk. I'm so happy."

The enthusiasm in her voice tells me so. I'm so happy too. It's been ages since we've been together.

" Okay, so I don't want to take up your time more than this. Go have your lunch! And here's a tip: have some fun with the pizza. Have him eat it off you."

I hear her laugh and say

" interesting! I might do that!"

" yes do it! It's so sensual! You'll never forget!"

Memories of my own mischief with James and pizza come back. There's a bitter smile on my lips.

" seems like you're speaking from experience."

I sigh and don't answer.

"We will talk when I get there. Go have fun. Tell Liam I said hello."

" I will! Take care!

" You too babe! Love ya!"

"This one was Bella's favorite."

I have a glass of red wine in my hand, sitting on a bar stool. It's one of those expensive ones. Anne Grande Rose 1993. It's very delicious, with a chocolate taste. And it's pink. Mr Jones sits on the stool next to me and gives me a tired smile and pours himself a glass.

" the maid gave this to me, I didn't take it myself."

He shakes his head and says

" This house is yours as much as is Alex's. You're like my own daughter. I know you're not comfortable here and I try not to bother you much. But it's a real joy having you here. I just wish that Bella could be here with us too. How are the things in the company going? Do you like it?"

Soon we fall into a long conversation about business. It's a less touchy subject for me. Suddenly I feel two hands covering my eyes. A big smile appears on my face. I put my hands on the hands and no need to touch. I know it's my little brother. I take his hands to my lips and kiss them he kisses my head several times and wraps his arms around my neck.

" How's the best big sister in the world doing? Is your headache better?"

I smile at him and watch his dimples. We have lots of things in common. He's got dimples like me. And he's got blond hair like me. I don't have blue eyes though. My eyes are like my dad's and he's got his dad's eyes. I had a terrible headache today because I spent all last night crying while listening to the song James had sent me. I miss him so much and it's just only been a week. I point to the wine in my hand and say

" with the help of this little friend of mine I'm feeling a little better. Although I think I might need to get some sleep."

Alex pushes a lock of my hair behind my ear and says

" Yes, go to sleep! Tomorrow we won't be going to work. I'm taking you on a tour. We will go shopping and have lunch at the Eiffel tower. We'll make a day of it. Just the two of us siblings. What do you say, eh?"

I give him a bright smile and kiss his cheek and say

" I say whatever my little bro wants, he gets. Goodnight guys."

I pat on Mr Jones's shoulder and say

" it was a good talk. Thanks."

He puts his hand on mine and gives me a kind smile.

" I miss you!"

I called my dad as soon as I got home from my day exploring Paris with Alex. I had to tell him everything.

" Oh sweetie, I miss you too. You're a big girl Anna. You know what you're doing. Pay us a visit too if you could. And give that man a chance. He seemed like a pretty good guy. Because you love me it doesn't mean that you can't love him too. He had his house designed in a way so that half of the upstairs is supposed to be your room. Did I get it correct?"

He's talking me into liking Mr Jones. I do like him but the way he looks at me sometimes like he's looking at Bella makes me uncomfortable. But that doesn't change the fact that he really is a good man.

" Okay, I'll give him a chance. But I won't call him papa or anything. You're my only daddy!"

I pout while saying it. I miss his embrace and tears come to my eyes.

" Don't cry babe. I'm your only daddy. And you're my only daughter. And I know you're feeling this way because it's maybe your PMS or something and you're not a spoiled brat. You're my daughter and you're stronger than any person I know. And I'm so proud of my little girl!"

I hear his smile while he's saying that. Probably having one of my childhood pictures in his hands.

" I'm 5'11" dad! I'm not little!"

I hear him laugh loudly. I pick on a loose thread on my jeans and try to take it out, waiting until his laugh wears off. I can't help but smile at his cheerful laughter. I love thi sound. This is the man who made me into what I am today.

" Dad, I may not say it so much but I feel so lucky to have you as my dad. No one could be more considerate, caring, loving and supportive as you are. I appreciate you. You and mom both. You taught me everything I know. I didn't care being mocked by other people for living with you until before I went to med school. Because I knew I wouldn't want anyone else. I love you so much!"

I can't stop the single tear that trickles through my left cheek. His voice becomes a hand and wipes away my tears like always.

" Baby, I know you're afraid. And I know the girl I brought up won't be running for no reason. So talk to me. Not as a doctor, not as a father, as your friend. Tell me what's going on in that beautiful brain of yours."

I start talking to him about everything and nothing. In the end he agrees with my decision to get away from him for a few while to get my head clear. And I feel so much better. Thinking about that I did a good thing. I need this, we need this, both James and I.


End file.
